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Mom has been in denial since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (stage 6) 2 years ago. Since then she refused to go to any doctors, take her meds, etc. She is aggressive, and refuses help. She has been hiding it for years and finally could not hide it anymore when she started having hallucinations. She has been aggressive with her caregiving all along. She will not admit she needs help, and chases everyone away. My dad and I have been doing as much as we can for her. She gradually started bathing less and less. She won't let anyone help her. She hasn't changed clothes since before Thanksgiving and when she finally cleans a little can tell she isn't really doing much. She smells. We already tried all the tips every caregiver has given us to no avail, and she scared 3 different caregivers out of the home. She has hit me several times in the last 2 years. She bruised me pretty bad all up and down my left arm and leg in the summer. I have never hit her back, but it usually turns into a struggle as I grab onto the broom or whatever object she has to keep her from hitting me with it. She is little but strong, and ends up pulling my neck and shoulder out of place. I have spoken with a lawyer and got some legal advice from him. Also my dad refuses to put her in a nursing home. He finally admitted yesterday that maybe that was the best option,after she threw a glass plate at my daughter and hit me with vacuum cleaner hoses and threatened my dad's driver as well. But today he was second guessing that again. We want to know, since Mom would not willingly go to a nursing home, is there any way to get her in one without having the state drag her away?

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the hardest but best thing i did for my mom was call the ambulance.
I thought she would fight them badly, but you know what she did?
I stepped aside when the ambulance guys arrived
The man asked her how she was feeling and she made the circular motion with her finger at her ear - as in "coo-coo" ... and climbed on the gurney. (she knew the jig was up)
It was the ONLY way to get her placed. Please do this... omg it is so hard on you , but they did all the bloodwork i couldnt get done, got her on meds, and from there she went to a home. All of which i couldnt do.
Please , it is only going to get worse... yes it is the hardest phone call to make and the days after where she will be fighting in the hospital are painful- but you have waited too long... there is a lot that needs attending to now.
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angelrescue - have you figured anything out yet? Would love an update.
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Mom won't let anyone in the home. She chased 3 different caregivers out and slapped one of them. She is now telling my dad he doesn't need to go to the doctor. She was diagnosed by a neurologist with Alzheimer's two years ago like I said. Hasn't gone to one doctor appointment, refuses care, still not admitting she needs any help. No one has time for Guardianship, and my health has really suffered since I started taking care of my parents. I have chronic fatigue and fibromayalga which were on the mend but have regressed again because of all the stress with Mom. No other family members are willing to deal with how difficult she is. She has been afraid someone would put her in a nursing home for these two years now so gives everyone a hard time. It is like her strategy is to make everyone feel very unwelcome or wear them down, so they don't want to even be there. This way, she and my dad can have their independence and she can stay in her home. I was trying to provide help so she could stay in her home. Instead of her cooperating and getting used to other caregivers coming in to assist me now that she is stage 6, she never got used to anyone because of her obstinance and still being in denial of even having the disease. She is still mobile, eating, etc. but not bathing nearly enough and starting to have incontinence problems. She won't wear pads I buy her or anything. I have already asked for tips and read many articles on these subjects. Tried all of the suggestions, but she just refuses help and gets aggressive. It seems a nursing home is the only option now, but she will not go willingly.
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FROM GA. My mother-in-law began falling and we tried private home care for 4 months. Finally we reached a point she was falling two and more times a day. I was the only one that could pick her up except for 911. The head nurse of private care said we would need to get her into the hospital for 3 days and then have her transferred to a rehab/long care facility. We did put her in the hospital and then long care and she has been their for 6 months. Odd thing. Her son did not want to get involved. My wife wanted me to make all the decisions. None of the 3 of us had any legal power to sign anything. We did hit a snag. She had $16000 in her checking account and you can only have $2000 and no other assets to apply for medicaid. During the 3 month the private cost of the long care reduced the bank account to $300. At that point, she got medicaid and the state is funding the cost. She was very upset when rehab stopped and she realized that she was not coming back home. However, after the 5th month, she began interacting with other patients and no longer wants to come home.
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Angel, i just want to say how sorry i am that you are all going through this. Mom must be petrified. Dad must be frantic with worry, and worn out.

I'm with Pam about calling 911 next time she gets out of control; those handsome EMTs can be mighty persusive with elderly women!

It sounds as though you all haave a film- noirish picture in your heads of what might happen if "the state" steps in. Is this dad imagining this? Can you allay his fears a bit?. Even if a nonfamily member is appointed guardian initially, this can be changed back to family once mom's behavior is more reasonable.
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Oh, I wanted to add that your mom sounds pretty feisty for a nursing home. Does she really need skilled nursing care? If not, then I would look at Assisted Living or Memory Care, which is also considered Assisted Living.

Can you convince her to go visit a facility? Just at a visit the staff can talk to the person and make it seem like a good choice. They start by asking questions that invite the person to want to join in. For example, they might ask, "Is there any reason that you couldn't come to breakfast by yourself in the mornings?" My cousin said no, that she could come by herself with her walker. They asked her would she prefer cold cereal or eggs for breakfast. She answered. They asked her if she ever needed help washing her back. And if she liked getting her hair styled. They had one on premises. She said yes, that would be helpful. And so on. By the end, she had a good idea of how she would benefit and fit in. She said that day. I went home and packed her belongings and took over there later.

I will also add that as long as she is combative and violent, placement is going to be difficult. They may want her to be in the hospital to get meds adjusted first.
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I would look for locations that she would be safe in. Hopefully, a doctor could prescribe some meds to help with her anxiety. Can you do that now? Perhaps, if she were not so anxious at home, she might be more open to relocating temporarily to a place where she could get some help. The violence needs to be addressed immediately.

My loved one was very opposed to Assisted Living too, but her doctor and I convinced her to go. She was able to think the Assisted Living would be a good rehab for her to get her memory and strength back. It sounds like your mom might be past that point though. Still, if she were more calm, it might be an easier sell.

I would most likely locate a Secure Memory Care facility in your area, visit it and discuss what they need to get mom registered. They deal with this kind of thing all the time. They may not accept her if she is violent though. They may be able to offer you some good information and tips on how to get her admitted legally.
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Angel; I think that you should start looking at NH options for your mom. Go visit as many as you can and see if you think mom would fit in, or if you think she needs a higher level of care, like a secure memory unit. Get her on wait lists. In other words, do the leg work for dad and make the process easier and more understandable for him.
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angelrescue, the state does not need to "drag her away". A court evaluator will visit her at home and make a recommendation to the judge.
In our case, the court evaluator recommended Guardian status and NOT bringing mom into court, for obvious reasons. The evaluator said he spent two hours of listening to her ramble and not answer his questions. He was very kind and did not upset her in any way. We were not present at the interview, but the Head Nurse at her facility was.
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Angel, if you and sibs sued for guardianship, an attorney would be appointed for you mom.

Mo needs a medical and cognitive eval for NH admission. She might need a memory care unit within a NH. Can you all get her evaluated?
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There are only 3 options....she goes on her free will, family convinces her to go, or state mandates it. Option 1 and 2 are unlikely. You have a strong moral and legal position to go with the third.....no guilt, it is the right thing to do for all.
Best of luck
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Mom isn't mentally capable of fighting a court battle. She would probably threaten all of them, too. She is beyond that point in her thinking capacity. I already spoke with a lawyer, and he said because my dad owns the home they live in, he is the only one who can make the decision to put her in a nursing home other than the state. I know I can't make her go. Dad is starting to finally see that she should be in one but is 89 and weak. He isn't physically up to the challenge and not even able to do the research.
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Mom would not willingly go to a nursing home. It's not about the money. Just want to know if there is a peaceful way to get her there without a possible altercation.
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angelrescue, even if you had two MD's certify her as incompetent, she has rights and will fight you in court. Ask any nursing home or ask her social worker if she has one. Ask your own MD, without mentioning names, what you should do. In California they call this "Baker Acting" someone. For the safety of everyone, get her checked out.
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Could you be more clear as to what you think you would like to happen? What is it with 'the state' that is so heinous, is it to do with money? Do you or your parents have a lot of money? Does she have insurance? Do you have a nursing home in mind to deliver her to? No place will just take someone without paperwork, Medicare, Medicaid, previous address. (All I can imagine is you think it's possible to hire a few nurses or orderlies to break in the house, drug and kidnap your mother, and deliver her to a nursing home somewhere? there are so many things wrong with that scenario my head is spinning. I think you would end up in jail.) If you had guardianship, you could have her removed and put in a nursing home, but no way to do that except through legal channels. I will be interested to see what readers will suggest in this situation.
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I'm not sure what you mean by "involving the state". Do your parents have the means to pay for care privately, or do they have long term care insurance?

Are you making reference to "means to pay" or something else that I'm not familiar with.,
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That is still involving the state. Is this the only option, or do you not know?
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When she is out of control you call 911 and have her committed for psychiatric evaluation. Either that or you do nothing, she injures someone or kills dad and ends up arrested and in jail. So which is the better option?
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