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Did your spouse ask you before your moved his mother in?
My spouse now has pancreatic cancer himself. My mother in law is in assisted living and I made the rule that she cannot visit with out a caregiver transporting her. A taxi won't deal with the oxygen and walker. Her other son in Colorado has eluded his responsibility for over 30 years, leaving his younger brother with this burden. I have my hands full and I don't want to be left with his mother. My hope is to move to Florida as soon as this ordeal is over.
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ask them to help
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Don't expect things to change. I have two brothers and Mom lives with me. They just visit when it is convient for them and I have asked if either would like Mom for a while they both avoid the subject or give so many explainations as to why. I just know that this is the way it is and you may have to just sit down with your husband and do the list of pros and cons. If your marriage is at risk or if no one else is helping then a group home or assisted living maybe what you have to do. If you can cope with life with Mom then remember speak to your husband and use her income to have help come into the home so it isn't all left to you. Home cleaning or adult caregivers are available. Mom should be using her money to pay for these cost and the other family members should have no comment as to how she spends her money to help with you home expenses if they have not or do not help with Mom.
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Firstly, what does your husband have to say about this? You need to discuss the situation with him if you haven't already. Is your mother in law elderly or sick? Does your husband help? Have either of you told them you needed help and what kind of help? Do they live close to you? You want to avoid disputes within the family, but you also need to speak up in a friendly manner. Do you want your mother in law living with you or do any other members of the family want to take care of her? You need a break and some time and comfort for yourself. You and your husband need to be on the same page and see if the both of you can come up with a way to get the in laws to help out.
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I know your pain first hand. My MIL's family have been no help whats so ever with grandma. (My MIL's mother) I took her in because they don't care and wouldn't think to offer their help to me. And yes they have their hands out and have taken and the poor woman is still here! Like the old saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Same with family that don't want to help! Get some outside help from a good agency for your own health and sanity!! You can scream till your blue in the face that you need help, but they have no clue what it takes to care for someone till they themselves need the help. The world is full of selfish people, and they will never know the joy of just being there for someone in need. Keep your chin up and use your resources to get you through this. An elder law attorney might be a good place to start!! Know your not alone, there are a lot of us out there that are in the same boat as you are. All I can say is your MIL is lucky to have you in her life!
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TALK MONEY! Gets them in a second! Tell them you are getting a caregivers contract made up and you will be getting paid for this care, they will call you quickly. Whos the POA?
They will be there immediately if she dies, for sure, with their hand out. good luck
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One sure way to get the other family members involved is to pass the word that your MIL and your husband are visiting a lawyer and a financial planner to update the Will, define POA for financial and medical matters, and looking into the cost of Assisted Living Facilities in your area--just in case. I am willing to bet you will have a lot more interest in helping out from other family members. BTW-If any of these items have not already been done, they need to be done sooner rather than later. It is a lot easier and far less expensive to set them up correctly from the start than to have to go back and petition the court to revise them.
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Been there done that, i also begged and pleaded with my 9 brothers and sisters to help, nothing. Suggested that even if they all came just once every nine weeks to take her to lunch, to say hello etc it would be a great help, nothing. I have my youngest son going off to college this coming Auguest and have already started begging them to take Mom for a week so I can spend the time with my son, getting him ready and just spending time with him. So far I have gotten all nos and this is 9 months in advance. I have come to believe that what goes around comes around and one day they will understand what they have done. They are teaching their children that parents don't count, so the time will come when they too need their children, think they will be there? Anyway I am sorry I can't tell you everyting will work out, well it will but only because you take care of it. Wish you luck, took me a long time but finaaly had to let it go, was starting to hurt me.
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I have quit my job to move in with my mom and dad after my dad's massive stroke and congestive heart failure. I have one brother, half way around the world. He helped for a month and that was it. Now he is going to have to give money if he can't give time. that's my solution
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I had a wonderful MIL and unfortunatally she took her life due to the stress of my FIL having dementia/alz. She never asked for help and at the time noone even realized what she was dealing with until she was gone, then, my sisnlaw took on the task of her dad she ended up overdoseing due to a combo of her mental health and the stress of his illness. I sure realized then... unfortunately too late... I could have help but noone asked. Then he passed away, Alz took its toll. The whole experience prepared me for my Mom being diagnosed with dementia at 72 drama set it off. I have a sister and a brother(not well himself) my sister has 3 boys on overload and deals with my brothers issues and she was more concerned about money than mom. So I got strength from knowing I am doing what my mom prepared me for, by taking care of me when I was sick, and how she looked after her mom when she was ill. There is no better feeling than doing what is right in your heart. Those who do not make the effort to do so will suffer an empty heart and have to live with an empty soul I would much rather take my soul to my grave than thiers. You will find a peace of mind, heart and soul the others cannot comprehend. Negativity seems to feeds on negativity so try not to let that weaken you. My sister seems to get it when I put a price tag on my efforts and care which I do not take one cent to do. If I tell her what it would cost her out of her pocket like a bill she wakes up but still has an attitude, I believe the attitude is due to her wish that she had the same peace and understanding I have gained, by controlling the ordeal as if she wanted me to fail or fall apart. Ask for help divide duties and if that dosen't work , Figure the cost and send those who won't help a bill. Write down all you do keep records of care, etc. and mail certified copies to them so you have legal paperwork so they can't say we didn't know.
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Have you ever told them point blank that you need help? I mean make it specific. Their mother has to get to the doctor by this time, I need you to take her. If you have and they still don't do anything, then forget them. It sucks, it stinks and it's not fair that it's their mother, yet YOU do all the work, but it is what it is. Although my mother-in-law doesn't live with us, I'm still the one that gets her to her doctor appts, takes her to movies, mini road trips etc. My husband does what he can, but he's the bread winner so it's really up to me. I love my mil that's not a problem, she's a wonderful person, so that does make it much easier believe me! My husband and I pick her up every Sunday for church, then she comes home with us and we eat breakfast. I keep her with us for either a few hours or the rest of the day depending on what's going on. But it's me that entertains her while she's here. When my husband gives me that look when I ask him to take her home and make sure he stops at the grocery store on the way for her, I remind him that's it's HIS mother he's taking home. "Oh yeah" he'll say. ha. Since we're the ones that live the closest, it's me that she relies on and feels most comfortable with. Not them.
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How much is your husband chipping in?....after all, it is his mother and she is HIS primary responsibility. Don't know what your situation is, but I have seen so many men who step up all to quickly and volunteer their wives to do the brunt of the work. I hope your situation is different.
Nevertheless, others should be chipping in. Do you have the type of inlaws who can sit down and have a civil meeting? If so, do it sooner than later and explain your situation. Have concrete solutions in mind such as rotating schedules, holiday rotations, and respite for you and your husband. Also, one of my friends had good luck with a rotating schedule. He had 3 siblings. They agreed to take their Mom in for 2 years each. She got to enjoy all her grandchildren and no on felt put out. It was a fair solution....(would not work in my family. Sib "checked out" long ago.)
Good luck....do something now so the resentment does not turn itself on you.
Lilli
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as a in-law it makes it frustrating when you watch you loved ones family take advantage and live in denial of the situation. You will have to decide that you are doing it because you love your mother in-law and do what you would hope be done for you...also finding sites like this is nice so you can vent those frustrations out, since it's not fun or healthy to carry that kind of resentment...that being said it is hard not to hold resentment when you feel that your generous heart is being squashed and you keep hitting a brick wall with the people that should be caring the most for your loved one. The only comfort that I have had since taking care of my husbands grandmother and my mom at the same time...is that you did what you did for them and it is from your heart. They know at the end of the day who was there for them and who took time out of their lives for them. That is what has gotten me thru after losing grandma to cancer, and then later the same year my mom to complications due to Sarcoidosis. At the end of the day you know that you've done everything in your power to help this family. You might have to bring it up over and over...and maybe nudge them to thinking about paying someone if not for all the time care at least some respite care. If your mother-inlaw is able to go places then check out your local senior services and find out what is out there that might lighten your load. Sometimes there are weekend care facilities and some even have daycare programs for when you really need a break. Hope this helps...I feel for you and it is tough, but you will be a better person for doing it. Get your husband to talk with his family if you can't get thru to them...they might take it from him better...and then you know that you've done everything possible and your husband can tell his family that you need a break.
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My sister-in-law had the main responsibility of looking after her elderly parents. She gathered the siblings together and explained that she thought is would be good to set up a rotating schedule so that one of the siblings came every weekend to visit their parents. They had no problem with this and did it until both parents died. My own experience with my elderly mom has not proved that easy. I have found that if other family members won't help there is really nothing I can do about it. I can't even get them to make regular phone calls. I had to realize that I am doing what I can for my mom because I am her daughter and I love her and want to help. I can't put my expectation on others to have that same sense of responsibility. They will be the ones who experience the guilt when she dies.
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dont think theres any way u can get them to be involved . talk till ure blue in the face , cry ur eyes out , they ;ll look at you thinkin u need to go central state hospital .
they have no clue what we all go thru cuz they re not in the same boat we re in . .
sorry i cant think of any better ways to tell you . you can offer them to take ur mother in law for few days but they ll end up sayin oh i cant this weekend blah blah , excuses and excuses .
i took my dad over to my brothers house and told him that dad wants to spend a weekend with him , spend some quality time father and son . well i left thinkin yippy horayyyy , next morning early early !!! he calls and said umm dad said he is ready to go home , i told him ok i ll be there in less 2 hrs . i went to get him and asked dad why u were ready to go home ? he said i didnt .. i said well he called said u were ready , he said i never said that . so that is the last time he went there .
so good luck and i feel ur pain .
my daughter watches my dad when im about to lose my mind or if husband and i need to go somewhere ,
see if u can get an outside help ?
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