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Mom had a major stroke a month ago and likely will not be able to walk again or make major decisions so will need 24 hour care. Dad barely can care for himself and really needs to be in a home now but is fighting for his independence. I am the only child and dealing with his outbursts of anger and poor decisions concerning moms care and other choices. There is no written POA and although the understanding medical staff are working with me, dad will not hand over full decisions of moms final care to me. When we get to the end of her rehab he wants to take her home and hire $8 and hour people to change her and bathe her belie he watches TV while she just sits there so he's not alone. I can NOT have that. Of course she would like to go home but that's not the life she should have when there a facility near with church services, gospel bands that visit, field trips, family days, activities more than I can keep up with. My husbands Aunt is there and his mother will be there soon as well.
The hang up also with dad is his assets with Medicaid and how they will go through all he has and divide it up. He still plans to get fishing land and fish with mom. It's just not possible now. He is very angry and we even butted heads once in the ER while mom was being checked out. The last thing she ever wanted. He's just not able, plain and simple. He forgets chunks of days past and looses things and has mini strokes himself and needs a thorough check but will not go by my say. I am really stumped.
Is there a way to further protect what he has or do I just need to bite the bullet and have him deemed incompetent at this point despite what either of them would have wanted to get what's best for them both? The stress he's causing me and others is way more than what mom and her stroke has caused.

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Oh and yes, mom is very much aware. She just is having to learn to speak the words again so she can get frustrated. She had the stroke on her left brain so her right side is affected and her speech area was caught in the mix.
Being her daughter and growing up with her, I can tell not only by expression but eyes and the words she can say she understands what she hears very well. And there sure isn't anything wrong with her hearing. Lol
If three people talk at once it's a bit much for her but otherwise she's right in the conversation keeping up, laughing, or making a gesture cracking us up.
We wonder about her short term memory since we haven't dealt with this type of stroke before. If it's short, comes and goes as long and short, or just chooses what to remember. I guess every mind is different though.
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GardenArtist, I have never heard of "protected individuals", not that it isn't here- I am in Alabama. There so much you don't learn unless you really dig when it comes to this type of situation. I will look into that though.
Yes, actually, I have been able to get my mom to write her first name with her left hand legibly so that even the rehab workers applauded for her one day it was so good. The attorney I have spoken with is int he same office as the one who has agreed to do my dads will (so no, there have been no wills drawn up) so I need to ask if her signing a POA to me is a co Flickr of interest for him so I can get another attorney if so. I spoke with mom a few weeks ago and slowly explained how we were deciding her medical care and we needed to put it on paper. I asked her "do you want dad to make your decisions.... Or me to make your decisions?" And she patted my leg. This was before she was beginning to speak. She was concerned about my dads feelings of course and doesn't want us butting heads, but that has never been my intention.
Mom needs to be moved to a safer facility and he is worried I will move her 7 miles away instead of the 3 miles which is an easier drive for him, but I have no issue arranging transport. I do have a problem with the fact my mom was allowed to fall in the bathroom within the first hour we were in the facility, it takes 30-45 minutes to get a nurse to answer a call on a "full staff" of 3, and my dad feels he needs round the clock sitters because of their incopetence. The other facility has several family already there, is safe, has activities I wouldn't even imagine and she may not want to ask to go home everyday if she actually want afraid to be there. The girls responsible for letting mom fall in the bathroom have stated they don't plants bathe her in their day to avoid dropping her. She has to have a shower.
He has now shown signs of possible strokes from last weeks and chest congestion with his COPD which can lead to pneumonia and needs to go to the ER and insisted to wait until his regular doctor was in tomorrow.
He has forgotten chunks of days and so weak he can't walk at times.
I plan to call the attorney tomorrow morning and see if he is able to notarize the POA for my mom to me and if so set it up ASAP and visit the new facility when I drive into town.
Beyond that I will double check that her insurance approves of the facility which I am sure of and ask how a transfer works due to the issues I have had.
I guess the crap will hit th fan then but I won't have to worry about 10 sitter rotating schedules watching my mom round the clock, only a transport of one angry man.
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If your mom can give you POA then that is the first order of business. In my opinion, if it's at all possible for you to pay for the preparation of POAs I urge you to just go ahead and do it because your dad will not. When we got my inlaws to sign their POAs we had a Notary there plus a non-family member witness plus my husband and me. When my inlaws got emotional during the review of the POA we middle-aged adults remained logical, firm but reassuring that POAs had to get done because the family had to be prepared for the future. I feel for you - it's very difficult (and draining) to take charge of parents and change family dynamics. Because you're an only child, I think you would benefit from having a mini team to help you get this done because elders who are scared of losing their independence can be shockingly manipulative. Some law schools have elder law clinics. Good luck to you!
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It is a good idea to utilize the law in order to protect assets, but when neither party is able or willing to authorize you to do it for them, then I don't know what options you have. It sounds like Dad is just not making sound decisions. Even though Mom had stroke, is she mentally impaired? Can she understand enough to sign a DPOA and HCPOA? Can she direct someone to sign for her if her hand is immobile? Does she understand what is going on? If not, then you may have to proceed with obtaining guardianship for her.

If you and your dad are butting heads about her care, the providers are going to have a difficult time knowing what to do, especially if mom is not able to say what she wants. Most states have procedures through the courts for emergency situations. The petition is filed with the courts and things happen very quickly within a matter of days. See an attorney who handles this type of thing all the time, so they know the most efficient way to handle it.
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TM, I checked an earlier post and learned that apparently there has been some disagreement in the family earlier, and that your father's behavior has now reached the point of being unreasonable.

I think your mother and possibly your father may both qualify as "protected individuals." Michigan addresses PI's rights in a specific statute; I don't know what state you're in so I can't check your state's statutes, but the social worker and/or discharge planner at the hospital or rehab center should know.

If both your parents qualify as PIs, there might be an accelerated method by which you can get guardianship, or obtain authority over their medical and financial decisions.

I'm not very familiar with PI issues, so I can't offer any more insight. It might be worth it to see if you can get some free legal advice, either pro bono, or from one of the local senior centers or communities. In my area, some or both of these entities have weekly or biweekly limited free sessions for residents.

That might help clarify what options have to be taken to wrest control from your father.

I do think that your father's "plan" for care would be considered irresponsible enough to justify the hospital or rehab center's intervention. Even APS might intervene; you could contact them and see what they suggest.
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Taylorsmom, I feel for you. How's your mom's cognitive state at this point? Is she coherent? Could she give you POA, despite your dad's objections? Would she do that? If not, I don't see that you have much to work with to get around your dad's stubbornness. It sounds like his mini strokes have ruined his cognitive abilities.

Maybe talk with the hospital's social worker to see what he/she suggests as next steps? Do your parents have wills? Maybe talk to that attorney to get his/her suggestions about what to do? Hugs to you...it's frustrating...
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