My FIL has dementia and was moved into a lockdown facility a few months ago because it was becoming impossible for MIL to care for him at home. He refuses to bathe, and the nursing home staff do not push the issue with him. I think he has changed his clothes only twice in 4 months. Today, he allowed my husband to clip his toenails. It was terrible. my husband scraped large chunks of 'stuff' from his toenails and between his toes. The skin on his feet and legs look like it is beginning to crack. We are so worried that he is going to get an infection...and if his feet look like this, what do other parts look like? (He was always so fastidiously clean, but he was having difficulty cleaning himself before we moved him.) How can we get the nursing staff to bathe him...even though it's not his choice? Isn't this included in the services for which we are paying? I just wanted to cry today, the stuff on his feet, the smell of urine...it was all too much. And then he started crying and said he just wanted to go home.
I would not think family need take responsibility for getting a nursing home patient bathed. As Pam suggests, see that there are medical orders for it.
My mother was very resistant to bathing. In the nursing home the aide simply comes in and says "It is time for your shower" and off she goes. Nursing home staff should be used to getting residents to shower or to get clean.