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I have now been married to my husband for 2 years. Last year my father in law moved in with us to help around the house and with my son who is 11. I was ok with it and was excited for the help. But now after a year of all living together I'm falling apart!! My husband is like a baby boy! My FIL caters to his every need and kisses him goodnight every night!!!!! My FIL does everything in the house and outside! My husband and I are like roommates and they are the ones who are married. My FIL is only 52, no illness, no dead wife!!! Nothing!! In fact he walks 5 miles everyday and works out. I ask him to get a part time job or friends or a girlfriend he laughs at me and says he doesn't need any of that because he is happy here all day, all night, 7 days a week!!! I feel like such a bad person because he does help around the house but he is constant and I take care of him financially too!! We pay for him if we go to movies or dinner, anything!!! I try explaining to my husband how I feel and he looks at me as though I'm crazy! Thy have a bond that I know Will always be before me an our kids... It's hard to say that but it's true... An I know the things I'm upset over seem small and petty but they eventually accumulate and feel as though I'm drowning! We even had to give our puppy up for adoption because my father in law couldn't handle having him in the house! I know counseling is an option but I need some ideas to maybe help in the short term.... He even cleans our room when I ask him not to. There is not one space in my own house that is mine.. It's really all his! Any thoughts???? :(

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What is stopping your husband from being the man of the house? He doesn't need his father's permission for that! What is he "guilty" about regards his father? If he brushes off your concerns as petty there is a problem here, no matter how much you adore him. This is worth working on. Go to an objective third party, and get some counseling together. The situation you are in is not healthy Do whatever it takes to change it.
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My husband and I are wonderful together!! When we lived in North Carolina together it was great! I have always gotten along with my FIL and he has been divorced for 10 years now! Time to move on. At first I thought it was just my FIL recovering from his only son being in afganistan and fighting. So I have it some time , gave him some space with his son but nothing's changed. My son is absolutely in love with his grandpa and his dad! We were prego but lost our baby.. We just bought a house and he came right along with us! He does help around the house, but I don't need my home cleaned everyday!!!! He has become a financial responsibility that I was not ready to take on as a new couple. If he was eldery or sick I could maybe understand!! But perfect healthy and can move better then me and I'm supporting him?? He has also become very passive aggressive and I'm just fed up!! He needs a job and to help with finances and to get friends or a girlfriend... My husband feels guilty for his father and wants to help him! But it's not helping him it's crippling him in the long run.. It's come to the point where he almost doesn't even think for himself anymore!! I adore my husband, trust him with all that I have and no he would never hurt me, I don't want to seperate but I need his father to give us breathing room! Let my husband be the man of the house and me the woman!
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You are not a bad person. You are not crazy. The things that upset you are not small and petty.

Your marriage is in serious trouble. Relationship counselling sounds like a good idea to me. Or individual counseling for yourself if hubby won't agree to go.

The situation you are in is not healthy.

See a counselor. Then, if necessary, see a lawyer.
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It would make sense if your FIL were feeling a tad misogynistic just now. Not in a scary axe-murderer way (God forbid) but in a "women! Who needs them anyway?" way. So it would also make sense if this male bonding thing makes him feel more secure, and from your husband's point of view it's nice to see his dad coping so well, and neither of them is looking beyond the next scene in this buddy movie.

I'm possibly not the best person to advise on being patient during rough patches. Umm.

What does your son make of his (step?) granddad being around the whole time?

How did you get on with your FIL before he moved in? Was his marriage already on the rocks when you and your husband got together?

I would say give it time, except you don't say much about the original state of your and your husband's relationship.

I wouldn't live in a house with three males where I felt like the proverbial pork chop for all the tea in China. But, truly, that's just me. How do you see this going? What do you want to change?
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Pepsi pays a decent pension. Dad will eventually get over his loss and find a new woman. I just hope you can hang on that long. Women become insanely territorial when they are pregnant. Could you be?
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Adri, glad to hear that you are "real". sometimes we hear stories on this site, well, you can understand why there is sometimes a "huh?" reaction. But the consensual validation on this site is invaluable. No, you're not crazy. Or overly emotional. FIL needs to get a life, your husband (and probably Dad) need counseling or therapy. Marriage counseling...well, that's your call if you want to stay in this relationship.
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You have not been had!!!! It is very very true!! My father in was put thru a horrible divorce with my mother in law. She cheated and took him for all he was worth! He had worked at Pepsi for 20 years and they have him early retirement and since the divorce he hung on to his son with all he has!! No friends no girlfriends!! No life!! I'm stuck!
Thank you to everyone who has answered! It's help validate my feelings that I'm not crazy or over emotional!
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I never heard of a 52 year old male who is healthy, who walks 5 miles a day, who prefers to live with his young married son who is in his 20's or early 30's instead of going to work, being out with friends, or have a relationship with someone. I think we have been had with this "story".
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You need marriage counseling. There isn't even a senior citizen in this equation. A good father would not even consider moving in with his son's family. If your husband will not go for counseling, go yourself. What the heck is your FIL cleaning your bedroom for? I am wondering if your husband and FIL are both narcissistic and love themselves, more than you?
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Your problem isn't really your father-in-law. It's your husband. He is not putting you first. He's discounting your feelings, ignoring your protests and it's clear to you that everything is just going to keep on keepin' on unless YOU do something.

See, "the rule" is -- he handles his family, and you handle yours. And he's 'handling' his dad to your detriment. Make a list of what you don't want FIL to do; give it to your husband. Tell him, "For now, having him NOT do these things will make me happy. But long term? I expect him to move out."

Let's face it. It's probably going to have to get worse than it is for you to get him out of the house -- and that's because it may not MEAN that. It MAY mean YOU getting out of the house with your kids; setting up a separate life; and sending your HUSBAND the loud and clear message that you've had enough. Maybe only temporary. Maybe forever. *shrug*

You have an 11-year-old. Then you talk about your "children." Please tell me you did not have a baby with this man. Your odds aren't looking too good right now.
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I think the key issue is in the sentence about ' They have a bond that I know Will always be before me an our kids." Counseling is not an option, but a necessity to help your husband re-prioritize. You're not a bad person, you're trying to function like a grown up married lady with a family to care for. Whatever change you try to get regarding Dad will need your husband's support in order to succeed.
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I got the feeling the FIL moved in with them. And from the sounds of it, FIL has been totally ignoring your boundaries and stomping all over your territory. It would make me miserable, too. Your husband needs to get a grip on this before he ends up losing everything. Don't let him trivialize what you're saying. What you described is something that will destroy the marriage if your husband doesn't get it corrected.
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Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can do while you are still living in the home. Would it be possible for you and your son to move out and live elsewhere for awhile? Think about it, your father-in-law could be there for the next 30 years.

At 52, he really needs to be out on his own. Where is your husband's mother? Or does she no longer have any connection to your husband's father?
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