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He is causing problems and doing things against my decisions as mom's POA. My mom is 80 yrs old and in a nursing home due to her failing physcial health (she had a stroke). I am her POA. She squandered all of her money and has $12,000 of credit cards bills that I have no funds of hers to pay, it has been a hassle to pay the nursing home each month, until we can get her on title 19. She and my stepdad got divorced to save his farm from title 19 which we will apply for later this month. They each lost their previous spouses years ago, he owns a farm and they had a pre-nup in place when they married 10 years ago, however our attorney said pre-nup means nothing in Iowa when it comes to nursing homes. My mother can be a real bitch and by god things are her way or the highway. My ex-stepdad and mom have decided that I cannot have her personal property that sits in HIS house. I have told them they are divorced and he has no right to possess her items. There is nothing there of extreme value, but sentimental things I would like to preserve, but neither of them will hear of it. Step dad has also done some stupid things (with mom's blessing) that have left a mess for me as POA to clean up. I am very stressed and tired of their BS. With both of them fighting me about taking care of her affairs I am about to scream!

What to do with an 84 yr old ex-stepfather that is a hoarder (you should see the living conditions) and mom with her "I am still in charge" atttitude that limits me of my POA duties. Today I found out he withdrew money from her checking account (with mom's permission) to get cash out for mom that she wanted to get her hair done and things she wanted at the nursing home.......he did this without asking me first. (I have full control of her checking account and pay her bills each month) I am talking to the bank tomorrow and telling them his no longer an authorized signature on her account. Being divorced and me as the POA he should not have the right do that correct? Can he do that if mom told him to do it? Does what mom says override my POA authority? She is of sound mind to a point to make decisions, she has no dementia, but she is terrible and wreckless about handling her financial affairs.
Please help I am at my wits end with both of them !

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Glasshalffull, that is best news I have heard today......I hope you are right ! LOL
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By the way - the divorce to avoid title 19 will probably not protect his farm as there is a 5 year look back as I understand...and financial responsibility may point to your ex-step dad...hee hee
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Yes, satin36, you have to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. Sounds like it might be time to fold'em!

Get yourself a support group (besides us here) and an attorney (just in case they - nursing home comes after you for her care) and maybe a councilor too.

Remind your sister to pay off her debt and call it a day. it will be hard at first but it sounds like you are already distancing yourself...

You will be ok...and mom will make her own choices and have to live with them.

Hugs to you! And strength
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Countrymouse.......I like your good news.....walk away from the POA and I will have much less stress! Thank you for responding.
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Satin, do you want the bad news or the bad news?

As long as your mother is of sound mind, then no matter how crassly stupid her financial decisions your POA is useless. You cannot act against her wishes: so, for example, you have absolutely no authority to tell the bank not to accept your stepfather's signature, particularly since he is acting on her instructions.

Glimmer of good news if you'll take it: no power, no responsibility. If your mother will not allow you to act in her best interests you are at full moral liberty to resign your POA and let the two of them go hang together.
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So if you walk away the State appoints a guardian. Mom will be taken care of.
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In reply to Chicago's question....mom appointed me her POA in November 2014. I am the only daughter in Iowa, my sister lives in Tennesssee. Yes stepdad acts as though they are still married and that is fine if he visits her in the nursing home, but he needs to keep his fingers out of the business I am trying to conduct. I have medical, financial and legal POAs. I have considered walking away from the POA and both of them (stepdad and mom) and cut ties with the relationship completely. However I need to hang on because mom sold her Tennessee real estate property to my sister in 2009 on contract. Since mom owns property, per say, she is not eligible for title 19 until that contract is paid in full and the state is satisfied with that amount to consider the contract paid off. ($25,000 balance). We have to use up the $25K (pay her credit card bills and the NH) first then apply for title 19. Since we do not have the $25K yet, there is no money in her account to pay the cc bills. The NH DHS lady told me to apply now for title 19 to at least get a case worker on it and when the $25K is gone, then go back to reapply or report there are no more funds at which time mom should be eligible for title 19. When we put mom in the NH in Dec. 2014 stepdad stated he would pay $10,000 toward mom's NH monthly care ($5,100 month) until we get this contract settled if her own money ran out. The divorce was final in Feb 2015 upon which time he called me and said "The attorney said we are legally divorced so I am off the hook of paying any money towards the nursing home now." So what happens if I walk away as POA and the stepdad passes away (he's 84 yrs old) and then there is no one to take care of mom's affairs? Not that I really care at this point. My mother has been a verbal and physical abuser to us kids since childhood and my sister nor I really care what happens to her at this point. Because of this family fued, I have only visited mom in the NH 3 times since December, I have had enough. I am 60 yrs old, disabled and have my own health issues to deal with and am tired of taking her abuse after all of these years. Thanks for the comments, it is nice to know I am not the only one dealing with these issues.
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I would certainly resign POA. This is only going to get worse. Talk to the social worker at the NH, she has seen this before, I'm sure.
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If your mother has not been declared to be incompetent by a court, she can make her own decisions -- even very bad decisions. You have the authority to act on her behalf if she asks you to -- for example to pay her bills with her funds -- but POA does not give you control of how she spends her money and who she wants to visit her in the care center. Read to documents very carefully to see what authority you really have.

It is extremely frustrating to watch someone we love making self-destructive decisions. We want them to eat right, and exercise, and bathe often, and spend their money wisely. Sigh. Unless they are incompetent they have the fundamental right to make their own mistakes.

If your mother wants her personal possessions in her ex-husband's house, that is her decision to make. If they consider themselves divorced "on paper only" they certainly can continue to behave as a married couple.

If all of this is too painful for you, perhaps you should consider resigning from the POA role.
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I'm sure someone with more legal knowledge will answer this, but I don't think your POA kicks in unless the person in question no longer has the capacity to make their own decisions. And there are two different POAs; one covers medical issues only and the other covers financial and legal matters.
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Are you involved in all of this, because you are the daughter? Because you feel responsible? Or what? My 96 yo mother can be difficult and I think that I would walk away. This ex-husband, isn't even her next of kin. I would see if the NH could keep him out, if I was wanting to press things.
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I forgot to mention that I live 40 miles away from the nursing home, my ex-stepdad lives one mile from nursing home and visits her everyday. In his mind "they are only divorced on paper." So he feels he has the control of handling her affairs.
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