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My mother (82) is showing signs of dementia as well. She has hearing and short term memory loss. My father is currently in the hospital after he was discharged to her after being in a skill rehab facility. He is 6'2 over 250 pounds and can not walk. He severed two car accidents back to back which may have contributed to him not walking. He was walking after the accidents but progressively deteriorated. He began to fall was hospitalized several times At my dad's request my mother signed him out AMA. He was hospitalized the third time and stayed. My father had gall bladder problems and had a tube inserted to drain the gall bladder fluid. He was referred to a skilled nursing facility/ rehab upon discharge from the hospital. My father was there about a month. My father's insurance would no longer cover his expenses because he refused to walk except when I was there. I live in another state as my parents and would go as often as I could. He would eat more and do his physical therapy when I was there. My father was evaluated by a staff psychiatrist while there and was diagnosed with unspecified dementia with behavioral difficulties. My mother sent back medical equipment ordered by the rehab facility because she didn't like the way it looked in her home. The facility reordered the hoist which she was taught to use prior to him being discharged and the staff taught her how to care for the drainage tube from his gall bladder.. My father was provided with services at home upon his discharge. My father's home is small and thus the hoist would not fit in his bedroom. My mother put a mattress on the floor versus moving his bed in the living room which I was available to help her move. When he got home he refused to sleep on the mattress and slept on the floor. She fed him and changed his diaper. The physical therapist came for a visit and called 911 because my father's breathing was rapid and she was concerned about his overall care, During all this time my father was hospitalized I offered to bring them back to my home to live with me so I can care for them. I have a big home and accommodate them both well. I was willing to take a leave of absence from my job as a social worker to care for them both. My mother refused to sell their home. I go to see my parents and have been actively involved in helping my mom run errands as she doesn't drive and assist her in paying bills. I do not want my father in a nursing home. They have both been great parents and I want to care for them. I am an only child. My older brother died 15 years ago of acute leukemia. My mother is refusing to let me take my father. She believes she can care for my father alone. I can not relocate with them as I have a son who still lives at home. I fear for the safety of my father if he goes home with her. My parents have a few dollars saved but not enough to pay for services at home nor for nursing home services for long term. I spoke to a lawyer who stated to apply for services to cover nursing home care they go back five years and look at the monies saved, My father will thus not qualify for benefits to cover nursing . He would need to pay for services out of pocket which would cost 300 dollars a day, I am in dire need to get custody of my dad. I did research. to get legal custody will take time money and I have go to court to have my mom declared incompetent to care for my father. I am heart broken at the possibility of something possibly happening to my dad because my mom is unable to care for him. My mother is stubborn. So many people would love their children to care for them willingly but not my mom. Please please help me find a way to get custody of my dad.

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You state that your parent's have modest income/assets. If that is indeed the case, and unless your parent's gave away a large amount of money in the past five years, there is no reason they (he) should not qualify for Medicaid.
The state does not care if they had money five years ago, they are only concerned with where it went. If the money was spent on the health, maintenance, and welfare of the couple there should be no issue at all.
And even if they did give money away all states have "hardship provisions" in their Medicaid eligibility rules that should permit qualification. Most families are not considering the possibility of requiring Medicaid benefits as they move through their financial lives and hardship provisions exist for these circumstances.
It may be fruitful to consult another attorney or Medicaid application specialist.
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Dealing with a very stubborn parent with early dementia is extremely difficult---trust me, I know from experience. I think the way to proceed with this situation is this:

Rather than going to an attorney & doing things behind your mother's back to get guardianship of your father, which will infuriate her, you need to sit down and have a talk with her. You need to tell her that you are very concerned about them--not only that your father is not being taken care of the way he should be, but also that she is unable to provide the kind of care he requires. Point out the things you have stated in your post. Her desire for a tidy home simply CAN NOT over ride your father's care needs. Putting a mattress on the floor because she doesn't want his bed in the living room is unacceptable. Signing your father out of the hospital AMA because that's what he WANTS, despite what he NEEDS, is also unacceptable. Explain to her that if your father ends up in a long term care facility because he is unable to live in the house with her, Medicaid will take the house to exhaust whatever assets are available to pay for his care first---so her refusal to sell the house in this situation is irrelevant. Explain to her that she would be better off moving herself & your father in with you, selling their house to have money available to pay for outside help as needed and other needs for your father's care. If the money they got from the sale of the house was used to pay for care for your father or your mother, it will not be considered a "gift" and they won't be penalized in the 5 year look-back period by Medicaid. You just have to keep good financial records of how that money was spent.

If your mother still refuses to move in with you & sell their house, let her know before you proceed with the legal route. Tell her that you are proceeding the legal way because she will not voluntarily consent to a very reasonable & sensible solution to their problems, that your decision is not based on her refusal---that it is based on maintaining your father's safety and that your father requires care that she cannot provide by herself. Remind her that the physical therapist actually called 911 because she was concerned about your mother's ability to properly care for your father---and that was based on the judgment of a medical professional. Perhaps at that point, she will concede when she knows that you aren't bluffing.
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Several persons on this forum have had experience with guardianship. Someone will be along with suggestions about that, I'm sure.

I want to comment on the Medicaid aspect of this. The program expects that citizens pay for their own needs as long as they can before applying for tax-paid financial help. The five-year look back period is a way to discourage/prevent someone from giving away all their assets (to their children, for example) and then saying "I'm poor. I need help." If that is what has happened, the program will disqualify the applicant for a period of time.

If an applicant has savings or other assets, he/she is expected to use that for their own care until it runs out, and then Medicaid would be available. An applicant can "spend down" assets to get to the point of being eligible for the program, as long as the money is used for the applicant and not given away.

The situation for a couple is set up to avoid the community spouse (the one at home) being impoverished.

Whether you get guardianship or not, whether your parents ultimately come live with you or not, I think you need more in-depth knowledge of Medicaid before you dismiss it as a possibility. Medicaid helps with in-home care, incontinence supplies, drugs, equipment, etc. as well as nursing homes when that is necessary. It is important to consult an attorney who specializes in Elder Law about these matters.

My heart goes out to you and to your parents. I hope you come up with an immediate temporary solution and also a long-term plan. Keep in touch here. We learn from each other.
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princess319, I see an instant replay of my Mom when my Dad had a heart attack years ago. Mom insisted she could take care of him at home, that was her "job" as his wife. Dad could barely walk he was so weak, so I moved his recliner to the other side of the room so he could be closer to the powder room. My Mom was horrified that I did that, the recliner didn't look good there. Rarely did I ever raise my voice to my Mom but I could no longer hold it in when I said "Mom, this isn't all about you".

No bed on the main level, Dad slept in his recliner which he didn't mind. Mom slept on the sofa to be close by. She was in denial about Dad's health, refusing to believe he had a heart attack, oh my what would the relatives and neighbors think. Mom didn't even like the nurse and physical therapist who came to visit Dad.

Oh, I forgot to mention, my Mom was 90 at the time. My therapist said as long as both had some clear memory, they could do what they wanted, but they would need to take full responsibility of their choices. So I left them alone as I was becoming a nervous wreck trying to get them to do what I thought should be done... but I was just "the kid" [in my mid 60's] so what did I know :P

Princess, your parents need to be in some type of Assisted Living Memory Care facility. They way they would get all the care they need. It is great that you want to bring your parents home, but you would eventually need to hire 2 or 3 shifts of professional caregivers to help you out.

My Dad had around the clock caregivers once my Mom had passed and it cost him $20k per month, yes per month. He found moving to Independent Living was much cheaper, then later into Memory Care, then he sold the house to help pay for his care. He loved all the attention he got in Memory Care. If my Mom was still around, they both would still be in the house with all the stairs.... [sigh]
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If there is a possibility that either parent could qualify for hospice care it might make your situation easier.
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This sounds like an emergency situation and may call for emergency guardianship. Maybe the hospital would help with that, it would be fairly quick.

Unfortunately, in many cases like this, if parent is cognizant, you will have to wait for an situation to occur that mom will finally admit she needs help.
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For a guardianship you will have to inform others. Your mother will be livid if she thinks you are declairing her incompentent and will fight it. These wounds will not heal. I don't know what court would give guardianship to a daughter when the spouse is still willing to provide the care.

I know you feel bad about your father's care but, I would just consentrate on getting services that help your mother care for your father.
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sounds like hub's aunt and uncle, only she says he's the one that won't go;
freqflyer, so your dad had the money to pay?
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It's best to hire an attorney for this need. Do it NOW.
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Try getting mom on board to go to your place as 'temporary' by renting out their home on a 'short' lease until dad is back to 'snuff' - the reason to rent it out is to provide income so you/mom DON'T NEED TO EXHAUST FUNDS while dad is at your home - once dad is able then they can move back [NOT LIKELY] to the home dad & mom have loved so long & it is 'giving back' by supporting them in their 'short term' need

If house isn't sold then they can on paper move back - otherwise it is a source of income that [put the carrot out there] they can return to with only 60[90?] days notice - hope this helps
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