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my mother is yrs old. i have been helping her for a long time. now she can't live alone anymore and wants me to move in with her. she has got a very negative attitude and nothing is ever right with her. i don't think i can live with her. i would be miserable and so make her miserable. i clean her house, buy her groceries, pay her bills, take her to dr.'s appointments and i'm wearing out. how can i get her to go to assisted living?

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You are right to understand ahead of time that living together won't work. Good for you! It works for some, but not for others. It's way better to figure that our ahead.
Try to get third party help with this. If there is a friend you and she trust or a spiritual leader, try to get that person to explain that she needs more help than you can give her. Also, you may get her doctor's help on this is you write her or him and ask.

The main thing is - don't give in. Tell her she needs more help that you can safely give and it's for her benefit that she live where she can get this help. Then remain firm. She will complain, but eventually you will get this accomplished.

Good luck. This will be hard.
Carol
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I have a very negative and controlling mother. She is also very non-compliant about taking her medicine. She had a stroke due to not taking her high blood pressure pills. She really needed to go to assisted living. I knew having her live with me would not work. We had taken her to see a facility before her stroke and she flatly refused to consider moving out of her house.
She had her mild stroke and the hospital put her on antidepressants. This really made a difference in her outlook and behavior. My husband spoke with her about her inability to return home while she was in rehab. He could do this much better than any of her children because he didn't feel the resentment that we do from the past. He slowly convinced her that she really needed more care than any of us could give her. He emphasized that she would probably get more visits from family and have better times with them when they were not being her care givers. He also talked about how lonely she has been in her own home and how she would be around people. He spoke of the upkeep of being in her own home as opposed to being in a small apartment that had housekeeping and maintainance.
She saw that she needed to make the move and we moved her in yesterday. So far so good. Having an in-law instead of one of her children speak with her really helped us.
Good luck with your Mother and getting her to see the light.
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Lamplights, that was a good idea to have somebody else to do the talking rather than the children of the parent. My sister and I had talked to my mom several times about this and each time resulted with extreme anger coming back from mom. To, Moonbeam, all I can say is keep coming here to ask questions, that is why I am here too, for support. My mom's doctor has suggested this more than a few times to my mom. Telling her the benefits of it and why. We have had social workers that came in from Heartland Home healthcare, that also told her the benefits of it. There have been so many that have come out to the home to try to help us with this fact, but she still feels she needs to hang on to her home and stuff. So this is a very hard topic for me as well. I have been taking care of moms needs for years now, and was starting to have a break down from it, until my niece came now and moved in with her. But we all know this is temporary as time goes on and she is on a list to go. She knows it as well. She is being very crabby at all of us and I limit my visits right now to very little as possible just so I can handle this. Yesterday she was sweeping the porch , when I asked her what was she doing and why? SHe said well, I can't just sit in a chair all day.
All I told her was, if you go to one of those assisted living places and be around people your own age, you won't feel lonely any more. I tell her off and on the benefits of not feeling lonely or feeling bored, daily and hoping that it will eventually sink in.
If you haven't already, take your loved one to tour the assisted living places around your area. You don't want to tell them your coming. Just stop in. I found out that it is best if you do it around lunch time where your mom can sit in and eat with them. They may capture a smile or attention from others, and I believe it is the breaking ice for them to see that there are friends out there. I found out that after visiting them, that mom said , if she did chose to go, she would have gone to the more smaller home setting where there were only 12 in the house. She didn't seem to like the bigger facilities. So tell her you just want to go see them and that it doesn't mean she has to go there. Like I said, around your own area, they might even know somebody in there. Good Luck, I am also still working on this, so I am right there with ya!!
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Thank you cowgirl for your insights and suggestions. I am sorry for the position you are in and the health problems you are having as a result of it. I am also sorry that your mother is taking it out on you and your sister that she has come to this stage in life. It is not your fault. Please do not feel guilty. You are trying to do what is best for her. Also please protect your health. My husbans is disabled due to caring for his father. It is good that you are taking care of yourself by limiting contact when you need to do so..
I really think without my husband and a stroke my mom would still be fighting us about the move to assisted living. She is adjusting and complains very little. Although she would never admit this to us she is happier there and enjoying the company of her peers. She is also more calm since she has 24/7 care available if she needs it. They also administer her meds so she is taking them consistently. The antidepressant she if finally taking is also doing its job.
Good luck with convincing your mom that it is time to go. I hope it all goes well for you. Several people told me it took a health crisis to convince thier parents to make the move.
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Wow. It sounds exactly like my situation. My mother is 87 and in poor health. She has a mobility problem and now is in a wheelchair. My mother needed to be in a place that would take more care of her than I could. She was alone in her house and fell 4 times in 1 year before moving to the AL facility. My husband and I who live 35 miles away shopped for food, took her to dr appts., filled her prescriptions etc etc. My mother had negative thoughts about everything and didn't want to talk about moving out of her house. She knew she couldn't stay there but she didn't want to go to AL either. Whenever I brought up going to visit an AL facility, she would change the subject. I have a sister and brother who don't get involved yet they live about 10 min from her. After the last fall, I kept toying with the idea that maybe she should move in with me and I could keep an eye on her but I wasn't sleeping and was making myself sick about it. It just wouldn't work. I love my mother but to live with her was out of the question. She demanded so much time and would want me home with her 24/7. It just wouldn't work. My husband and I visited several AL facilities and found one in her area that was beautiful. It was expensive but after selling my mother's house she could live there for a year and then apply for Medicaid. My mother was not happy about this arrangement but the dr, her friends, relatives and everyone who spoke to her said it was the best thing for her. She was not happy the first few months there. She's been there almost a year and a few months and she's just getting around to joining in a few things. She would rather not do anything but sit in her room, knit all day long and watch tv. I've spoken to social workers and they agree that even if she stays in her room, she still has to go downstairs for her 3 meals and her meds, attendants come in to clean her room and help her with getting dressed so at least there's contact with others during the day. She's not all alone in her house. She wears an alert bracelet so if she falls, there's always someone there 24/7. I feel for anyone going through this. It's a tough decision but it's the right one. It's good to come on here. So many of us are going through the same thing. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Good to read all the input here! My mom is 88. And no I haven't been taking care of myself for awhile now, but it has to start. Like I said , I am going to take advantage of my niece being there and gives me such a needed break away. It is no good for someone to take care of their parent if they are burned out and getting sick too. I woke up the other night sad and crying , feeling like I was drowning with my bills and situation here, and feeling like I was letting go of mom's hand. THe thing she don't get, is that moving to assisted living is not only a change for her, but a big change for me as well. It will probably take me a while to adjust to not going over to her home anymore to help her, or knowing that she is going to have to sell her home and get rid of her things. But life does go on and we cannot give 100% quality care to our parents on our own, without a lot of sacrifices on our own part. I also have a friend who took care of her husband who got MS for 5 yrs until he passed. They both were in their 40's. Anyways, he is gone now, but during that time, it became too much for her and she tried to lift him one day and they both fell with him landing on top of her. It had screwed up her spine, and now she is disabled herself at the age of 49. It just is not worth it, but so many people want to do all they can to keep their loved ones at home. You just can't do it because it is too dangerous also. I am just going to work on getting over the guilt from it that I can't be there anymore, and know that I am making the best choice for moms care. I really don't care anymore how mad she gets at me over this as someday I feel she may even enjoy herself there. All I can say is, we can't keep talking to them everyday about it if it makes them so mad......just going to work on the task at hand to get her in there, and let the Doctor and the nurses keep explaining to her why.
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Having gone through all of the above, I can see tha transitions are difficult as we get older.
I think it is much easier if you can talk parents into unloading that big, empty house BEFORE they need assisted living or a nursing home. If they can "downsize" to an apartment first, then it is not so hard to move to an ALF because there are no personal attachments to an apartment. Also, it gives them a chance to sort through their things in a less stressful situation.
Several years ago, when I saw that Mom's home was just too much to care for, I suggested that she sell her home and move to a regular senior apartment. At first she resisted, but finally discovered for herself how much free time she would have. She was no longer stressed about the upkeep of a home.
In regard to the discussion of ALFs. I found that getting "buy in" from your parent makes the transition so much easier. I would recommend discussing the topic, then leave it alone for awhile so that your parent can interanlize the idea. Then start gathering information and narrow your search to one or two facilities. Schedule a tour for your Mom. Sometimes fears dissolve when they actually see how nice these places are.
My Mom has a lovely, spacious apartment, lots of help, prepared meals that she loves, and nice people to visit with. And we can go back to being the helpful family again. It is a win-win.
As Carol said, it is good to recognize that you cannot live under the same roof....I think that it is challenging to combine two adult households under any circumstances.
good luck
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Moonbeam - My mother was given an alert bracelet to wear as soon as she moved into the AL facility. I had thought about getting one for her when she was living in her home alone but never looked into it. Of course at that time my mother never wanted to even think about getting one. Every time I brought it up, she changed the subject. I had an incident where I was on the phone with my mother early in the morning to remind her of a dr appt and she fell while I was on the phone. I could hear her screaming for help and while I was trying to keep her on the phone, I was calling her neighbors with hubby's cellphone, the first aid squad and the police to get someone to go over to the house because my mother couldn't move. Fortunately the neighbor had a key to my mother's house and was able to open the door and let the paramedics get to her. That sealed the deal for me. She went to the hospital and then rehab and then straight to AL. There was no way she could live by herself.
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what is the best and cheapest medical alert system?
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Pensionärer är mycket ensamma. De skulle kunna flytta ihop med varandra dem som är ensamma. Dem skulle må så mkt bättre med likasinnande. Jag är pensionär och jag skulle gärna flytta ihop med en dam som är pensionär för sällskaps skull.
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