How can I teach my mother to stop acting impatiently and abusively to my Alzheimer’s father?

Your local Alzheimer's Association could help your mom.

One thing I've noticed is that not all spouses make good caregivers for Alzheimer's patients. They can't cope with the changes in their mate and they live in denial. They can actually become abusive. If your mom won't get help and learn how to handle him with compassion, you may need to look at assisted living for your dad.

This doesn't mean your mom is a bad person. It just means she can't cope with the "loss" of her husband. It happens more often than one would like to think.
Carol

My mom's always been mean, and there's no teaching her. But the Alzheimer's Association and others, like this site, have been helping ME. It's a journey... We can't make anyone perform the way we think they should. But we can model love and compassion. I'd say your dad is blessed to have you looking out for him!

Mom is not so much in denial as angry at the added time & patience needed to cope with Dad. We just recently moved them into a nice assisted living suite because she refused to handle Dad's meds and he took her meds twice - once he had to be resusitated in the ambulance. Now we are dealing with her anger at being forced from her home as well. We have power of attorney for both of them but we are trying to let them handle their own finances as much as possible for now. One sibling is encouraging the negative outlook which doesn't help.

I know this is a hard adjustment time for them, but I'm getting very depressed myself, trying to keep up with finding and fixing all their business details as well as helping take care of the empty house. It is just overwhelming at times because it's like working in the dark. Any questions about their affairs is met with an "I don't know" and you're left to muddle around until you find the answer. Important papers are missing and that is so frustrating for me - I like everything organized. I've been on meds for depression and anxiety for years so I'm finding it a real struggle.

I guess I just needed to sound off today.

Glad you did. Hope it helps! I read your post, and think, "Been there, done that, am there now...." Can relate to your struggle with your loved ones. All I can think is, "This too shall pass." Just try to stay calm, focus and also take care of you. You are the blessing they don't recognize! Vent all you need.

I can relate to your situation. My Father has had some health issues for years, he is 85. He trys to keep his mind active and he is for the most part reasonable and rational. My Mother however is NOT! She has gotten increasingly anxious and forgetful to a point where my Dad says "she is driving me crazy". I took her to see the Dr and we had some testing done, she is now on aricept. She is also angry and does not want to accept what is happening. She is 82 Dad is 85. I do everything I can for them however I am concerned they are declining to the point that they need some more care... It will be me because my sisters do not live close. take care and hang in there...

My brother has been living with and caring for my parents for many years now. My father now has parkinsons and dimencia and mom is a bear to do what she needs to care for him.
My brother's DR. has told him he needs to get away or he will get sick as well.
Can he leave them alone for a time so he can recover?
What is the law regarding this?

I can definitely relate to your situation. My mom is angry & frustrated about my dads dementia. I don't think she is stressed out about being a caregiver because we have had a caregiver in their home from 9a - 7:30p.m. seven days a week. She stresses out and starts screaming when she has to get him in bed after the caregiver leaves. If the caregiver stays till 9p.m. to get them in bed, she stays up until 10p.m. and then cries and melts down when she has difficulty getting him in bed. I think she is angry about her life and angry about the condition of her spouse. My parents had a great 50+ year marriage. I'm am frustrated with her behavior because it is totally not typical of how my mom used to be. Don't know how to help her accept this and make the best of a very bad situtation... There are 4 of us kids plus now they are in assisted living and she still makes things harder than they have to be. She is more of a problem than my dad now. This is stressful to us kids because my dad's situation was hard enough to accept and try to manage, now my mom is having "issues". Hope it helps to know that your mom isn't the only one acting that way.