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Well, today was further confirmation that it is definitely time to move Dad to full assisted living before he hurts himself or someone else. - The combination of his ailments has proven to be problematic. Try getting an almost completely blind man with dementia to manage oxygen. It's been a challenge to say the least. - I was able to get him to stop attempting to iron by "accidentally" breaking his industrial steam presser a few months ago. Whenever he asks about it, I simply change the subject and he normally forgets. However, he's insistent on trying to maintain his laundry. Not only is it hard for him to walk down the hall to get to the washer and dryer (thanks to his COPD), but he can't see to work the machines, so he often misuses temperatures and sets timers leaving a damp, stinky mess which I have to redo when he's not home. In addition, he completely irritates the other residents because he will only place two or three items in the washer and use a full tub of water. He will then forget his items are in the laundry and takes up machines other residents could be using for hours-only to become upset when residents out his laundry to the side so they can do their own laundry. - The IL facility did turn off the stove in his room and we depend on the microwave. However, today Daddy attempted to reheat some leftovers. Thankfully, I came into the room as he was placing the entire plate (FOIL and all) in the microwave!!! I was horrified!!! What if I had not have come when I did? Daddy has several oxygen tanks and a concentrator mere steps from his kitchen. This could have been tragic!!!! - I've tried to gently explain to Daddy that there are things that we (the IL staff and I) are happy to help with, but he INSISTS on trying to do things himself. Is this dementia denial or is he just being stubborn? I would love to use this as reinforcement that Assisted Living is the best option, but whenever I try to explain these things, he becomes combative and complains that I'm treating him like an invalid or a "cripple". What should I do?

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Oh, so they did diagnose him with dementia. With that being the case, then I doubt that you can really convince him of anything. His mental condition may not allow him to reason as he has before.

Often harmful or annoying behaviors have to be redirected or restricted by those in charge. Allowing dementia patients to continue to use stoves, lighters, candles, etc., is risky. My cousin is in Memory Care and the residents are not even allowed to have toothpaste or mouthwash in their rooms, since they could ingest it. They no longer realize what they are eating or drinking. It's all a matter of protection. Reasoning is not very productive, because even if they process your concern, they forget it soon thereafter. It can be very frustrating. Sometimes these things go in stages though and eventually the person may stop insisting on taking care of laundry or cooking. Once your dad gets settled in, maybe he can be entertained with other activities that are supervised and occupy his time.

When my cousin first went to Assisted Living, she was hesitant to go to activities. I spoke to the social director and she asked my cousin if she would come to help her with the projects. She had my cousin hand out some things in the class and it made her feel needed and special.
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id hold out too if i were the old timer . my mom spent 4 months one time in an upscale AL facility and the nasty hors stole her pain meds often by the handsfull and riffed thru her purse for cash every time she tried to nap . sick people . we underestimate our elders . they know human nature and dont want to be subject to it ..
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Sunnygirl1, after lots of back and forth with the VA, they finally sent him to a psychiatrist which prescribed Seroquel (though its contraindicated in dementia patients). She confirmed that he has dementia but did not prescribe medicine for it.
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Tinyblu, I think that your question as to whether there is dementia denial or just being stubborn stands out.

From what you describe, it sounds like there are multiple instances of forgetting how to do something properly, plus, there is poor judgment on the part of your dad. Sometimes, dementia is not just forgetting, but also using poor judgment. When safety goes out the window, after repeated warnings........it gets my attention. Often there is a crisis before the senior takes heed. I suppose it depends on how comfortable you feel taking charge. At some point, the senior's wishes have to take a second seat to safety and well being. If it is dementia, it's not likely that he will have an epiphany and inform you that he needs more assistance in a facility. You say that he will not listen or cooperate with you. I think that I would make my decisions regarding his care before IL tried to.

Has he been assessed by his doctor for mental decline? Have you shared your concerns regarding his behavior and decisions with is doctor?
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Well it sounds like it will have to be the IL who will make the decision for when he will move.
Good luck to you both.
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97yroldmom, Daddy has been legally blind since I was born, and I've taken care of him since I was 6 years old (long story-multiple wives, lots of kids, abusive, narcissistic - not pleasant). Over the years, his sight has deteriorated to the point where he will probably go completely blind soon.

I have offered to help with the laundry but that's when he says I'm treating him like a cripple.

He can't walk two feet without collapsing from exhaustion, so he should not be walking. I have purchased him a 3 wheel scooter which he is reluctantly beginning to use.

His COPD has morphed into a lung mass that the doctors don't feel should be operated on, so we're just...waiting. In the meantime, he is on oxygen 24 hours a day.

He forgets how to turn on his stationary concentrator at home despite several people showing him how to flip the switch and place on his face. He's supposed to use a portable tank when he leaves his apartment, but he can't keep it straight. He can't see well enough to set the regulator, turn the oxygen on and off, etc. As a result, he will go up and down the halls (walking again) knocking on doors and asking residents to help him.

I'm at the facility more than I'd like to be because either he or the staff will call me several times a day to attend to him. This has caused me to abandon the good paying job I had because it required extensive travel and opt for low paying hourly jobs--two of which I have lost because I have to leave to attend to dad or be absent for his multiple hospital visits / doctors appointments.

So, it's complicated to say the least. Him going to full AL will benefit us both. He will get the care he needs and I can get what I need which is to work. I can barely pay my rent, and my credit has tanked since I took on caregiving. Besides, he's now in danger even in IL. He's just going to have to face that he can no longer be independent.
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Does your dad take medication? How does he handle that? It sounds like you are around quiet often. Good for you. If the other residents complain enough, he'll probably lose his laundry privileges. I assume the laundry is easy for him to access and doesn't require a special door key or code. The walk is good for him don't you think? Perhaps you could pick up his laundry when you visit and help him with it. If he's like me, he likes to do laundry and would miss it but it would probably be easier for you to do it at his IL than carrying it back and forth. Absolutely you should remove anything dangerous that has to do with his oxygen and the safety of all the residents. He sounds amazing to be so independent and self sufficient with his disabilities. I know you are proud of him. How long has he lived where he is? Is his eyesight getting worse? It might be better for him to learn how to get around in the AL while he still has some eyesight. I wouldn't know the answer to that but it is to be considered I suppose. He doesn't sound like he's having that much difficulty where he is. I know it must cause you anxiety to see him growing less able but hopefully you'll assist him in IL a little longer before he makes the next move.
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Tinyblu, I think it could be a mix of stubbornness and some memory issues. No one wants to feel they can't do things any more.

Oh my gosh, hogging the washer. Maybe try to get Dad to use a kitchen timer to remind him that he has clothes in the washer.

Take away the tin foil, and replace it with wax paper. I use wax paper in the microwave to cover food while cooking.

My Dad is now in Independent Living and all of his life he was always fixing things, so even with his move where he can call Maintenance to fix things, he still wanted to have his tool box. So I brought from his house his tool box with a mix of some tools so he can tinker with things. I just hope he doesn't mess with the furnace and water heater which every apartment in the complex has their own.
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Well, today was further confirmation that it is definitely time to move Dad to full assisted living before he hurts himself or someone else. - The combination of his ailments has proven to be problematic. Try getting an almost completely blind man with dementia to manage oxygen. It's been a challenge to say the least.

I was able to get him to stop attempting to iron by "accidentally" breaking his industrial steam presser a few months ago. Whenever he asks about it, I simply change the subject and he normally forgets. However, he's insistent on trying to maintain his laundry. Not only is it hard for him to walk down the hall to get to the washer and dryer (thanks to his COPD), but he can't see to work the machines, so he often misuses temperatures and sets timers leaving a damp, stinky mess which I have to redo when he's not home. In addition, he completely irritates the other residents because he will only place two or three items in the washer and use a full tub of water. He will then forget his items are in the laundry and takes up machines other residents could be using for hours-only to become upset when residents out his laundry to the side so they can do their own laundry.

The IL facility did turn off the stove in his room and we depend on the microwave. However, today Daddy attempted to reheat some leftovers. Thankfully, I came into the room as he was placing the entire plate (FOIL and all) in the microwave!!! I was horrified!!! What if I had not have come when I did? Daddy has several oxygen tanks and a concentrator mere steps from his kitchen. This could have been tragic!!!!

I've tried to gently explain to Daddy that there are things that we (the IL staff and I) are happy to help with, but he INSISTS on trying to do things himself. Is this dementia denial or is he just being stubborn? I would love to use this as reinforcement that Assisted Living is the best option, but whenever I try to explain these things, he becomes combative and complains that I'm treating him like an invalid or a "cripple". What should I do?
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Sorry about the run on.... for some reason the ENTER key is not working.
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