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I moved in with Dad about one year after my mother passed away. I saw it as silly to be renting an apartment and driving 13 miles each way and every day plus paying rent. Dad has a bad case of tunnel vision. It's his way or no way. Three years before my mom passed away, my younger sister passed away and a year after that, I found my best friend dead. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He has been a spectacular support for me. He lives 90 miles away. He comes just about every weekend. I used to go there a lot. 4 months into the relationship, I had a seizure while driving home. Fortunately, all I did was total the car. 17 months later, the same thing happened. It has been a little over 3 years since the last one. Doctors can't pinpoint what caused the seizures. I am on medication. But every time I want to go to my boyfriend's place, Dad throws fits that I might have a seizure. Well, that could happen on my way to work or to the grocery store. I feel like I am caught in the middle because Dad gets mad if I go there and my boyfriend gets frustrated if I stay home. There are little other things that Dad does. He always needs to hover over my shoulder for every little thing I do. An example is last night I boiled some sausage in water, The water was greasy, so I was going to dump it outside. He started yelling that I used the wrong pan to cook it and what am I going to do with the greasy water. I mean, REALLY! Every time I go somewhere, there are always 50 questions to answer, such as where I went, who was there, what time did we get there and leave, what did we do, and on and on and on. I have an older brother and a younger brother. The older brother moved out east and hardly ever calls, but thinks he knows all. My younger brother tries, but he has other issues going on also. At the time my sister died, it was a very traumatic time for the whole family. It is something no parent should ever have to go through. I was there for my parents as much as I could. The day she died, Dad was reroofing his sister's house with 2 other men. I got the call from my mother at 10AM and went. I called my dad the first time to tell his sister that he was needed at home for the emergency. He didn't come. When the ambulance took her, I called there again to have his sister tell him that he needed to go to the hospital. Again, he did not show. When we were told that she had died, I called my aunt and told her to firmly tell Dad that he needed to get to the hospital NOW!, no questions asked. He finally came and I was the one who told him. I tried to hug him. He pushed me away and didn't come home until 7PM. During the preparation for the funeral, the funeral, and the days after, I stayed. I would try to go to the bathroom and literally would have my pants halfway down and he would be screaming for me to come for something. After a few days of this, I finally hollered back that I needed to go to the bathroom. That turned into a big argument that even the neighbors a 1/4 mile away heard. A year after Jane died Mom and Dad put the 120 acre farm into a living estate, the 40 acre lot with the buildings being mine. Now his mission is that I will never be able to handle it. I assume in his mind it's 2 things: I am a woman and things wouldn't be done his way, therefore it would be wrong. I am wits end and have no where to turn. What do I do? we will not be moving in with them

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Frustrated1881, you will have a lot on your mind and on your to-do list in the coming weeks. I hope you will try to make a little time to keep us updated on how this works out for you. We care!
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My Dad is 82 with COPD. But his worst problem is his stuborness. He has pushed his sons away already. And with support of my new friends that I have met on this website, I realize that my brothers are right and I have heard what I already knew. I will move out temporarily for now to see how it goes. I have a good job at Aspirus with a wonderful boss. This doesn't work, moving closer to my boyfriend in Oshkosh isn't out of the question. He has been more supportive and patient than I have ever expected and I don't want to lose him. Thanks for the support.
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Frustrated, we don't know how old your dad is or what his care needs are. That might make a difference to my answer.

But you need to decide whether 1) you are going to knuckle under and live by your dad's rules and just keep saying Yes Sir, 2) you are going to try to continue to live with him but on your own terms, or 3) you are going to live your own life, from your own residence and help him as you can.

Personally I would totally reject option 1. Maybe those who say Dad can't change are right and if you are going to live with him it has to be on his terms. That is fine if you are stopping in for a few hours. Molding your life to this view of you as a subordinate being? I absolutely would not do it.

Option #2 assumes that even though you can't control your dad's behavior by controlling your own you may be able to live more peaceably with him. It is what I advised earlier, and I think it is worth a shot. If he can be left alone for a few days, take your weekends to visit your sweetie. Cook the way you want to cook. Ignore Dad's complaints. But others may be right that he'll never change and constant conflict may be too much for you to bear. I think this approach is worth trying, but I sure would have a backup plan in place.

Option 3 -- moving out -- is a good backup plan, and may ultimately be your best bet. Depending on your job and how much help you are willing to give to Dad, moving close to your boyfriend might be a good bet. Or close to Dad, but helping him only on your own terms. He doesn't like the pans you select to cook with? Hey, introduce him to Meals on Wheels. :)

You don't have to stay in the current situation exactly as it is unless you want to. You do have options. Whatever you decide to do, plenty of us will be supportive of you. Keep in touch!
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Thanks Heart2Heart - My mom is also passed for 11 years and was also born in Poland. My parents taught us that if you want something, work for it. And I sure appreciate that! I don't want it if I didn't work for it. But on the other hand, as much as I respect my father and the memory of my mother, how far should this be able to go? My life has been on hold because the "MEN" in my family always think caregiving is always women's work. My Aunt, my Dad's sister is still alive. I take her grocery shopping since she doesn't drive. And that's nice because she appreciates it. Whereas my Dad thinks that I am there for his purpose and his purpose only.
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Frustrated... My grandparents (thank God) escaped Poland in 1927. They were beautiful, hard-working people who had the intelligence to get out of there for their family. If they wouldn't have done this, I probably wouldn't be here now... I think 'that' generation (know matter the ethnics) were that 'way'... where the men wore the pants... That's how it was... With that said, my mother is from your father's generation and is extremely head-strong to get her way, even moreso as she's gotten older... And, she lives with me... I understand what you're up against. Let us know how things progress for you... we care here... - a Polish granddaughter xoxoxo...
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My father is not a WWII verteran, (thanks to your father for fighting for our freedom), but he was born in Poland. Men are always right and women are always wrong.
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I agree with cmagnum. Inform your brothers. If you don't move, your health is at major risk. You've been through too much already. You should have your own life and shouldn't have to loose your boyfriend. If your boyfriend is serious, you could move with him (?). Your father won't change and it seems he will only continue to take his anger (from your sister's passing) out on you. I'm concerned. Please, please start talking with some people that can point you in another direction for your own sake.
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Wow! You have had a lot to deal with in the last few years. Hugs to you.

I understand the reasoning about why you moved in with Dad. In hindsight, would it be better to live close to him, but not with him? What are his infirmities that require someone to look in on him? Does he have mobility issues? Dementia?

Your Dad may treat you like a 12 yo, but please don't play into that. He wants to know all the details about you going out? Appropriate if you were 12. None of his business now. "I'm going out now and I'll be home by 8:00." Don't answer the other questions. "Where are you going?" ... "I'll be home by 8:00."

"You used the wrong pan!" "I'm the cook here. You are welcome to take over, though."

If you are going to stay there, you need to learn to set boundaries and enforce them. Even if your dad forgets, you need to remember you are not 12 yo, and act accordingly.

Dad has been through a lot. The last few years have been hideous for him. He now has a loving daughter doing her best to make his life easier. He needs to learn to be gracious about that. I am sorry that it is up to you to teach him.

Maybe some counseling would help you help yourself. You deserve it!
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Your dad does not sound like he is going to change. Is he able to take care of himself? If not, what health issues does he have? Has his doctor said that he should not be living by himself? If he is ok living by himself, then I'd move out.
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My father made 83, he was a WWII bomber pilot in the Army Air Corps. So you say "Yes Sir" every day for as long as he is on this earth. We were 4 daughters, all subordinate rank as far as he was concerned, all expected to toe the line. It will never ever change for you either. Or Else. LOL.
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