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Dad moved in. He was very busy before he moved in, working (at 78) full time. Now that he moved in (7 hours from his home) he is sedentary. He didn't complain about his knees much before but now he can barely walk. He got shots in his knees (has been to ALL of the doctors) which was better for a few days. Now he is using a cane. I know he's not young and mom passing didn't help. He is completely bored, I get it. I work at home and I cant do everything for him. I try to get him involved. I took him to my civic club meeting to introduce him to people in his own age, I got him involved with a lodge locally and introduced him to someone his own age to help him get active. He likes to go to lunch every day but he does not have the money (fixed income) I am strapped for cash right now so I cant help him out. I do not ask him for any money to live here just he pay his bills from his SS money. He has no hobbies except construction. I gave him a few pieces of furniture (he loves to do that) to refinish but he did one and stopped. He says he cant read long (PTSD), I got him a gym membership (went one day). I cant entertain him I know he is bored. I tried to get him to seek out volunteering but now his knees are an issue. I do have to work during the day. Even tho I'm at home he has to come into the office to "talk to someone". He won't help out by even putting a dish in the dishwasher (he will watch me do it tho). Mom did everything around the house. He will go to the store and get apples then say "make me a pie"! He is just now getting around to saying please and thank you. I am not trying to be mean. I am doing a bit of tough love but I have done so much for the past year I am tired. I make him go to his Dr. appts. alone because I want him to do things for himself while he can. Its not that I don't care I do but after being out of the house for 32 years I do things on my own. We have dinner with him every night. I make coffee for him every morning. I don't want to try to replace my mom but I can't be with him 24 hours a day. He has his own living area in the house, we invite him to be with us but we do like our own time. I have taken him on business trips with me during the day to get him out of the house. I mentioned him to go the the library etc.... but unless I set it up he wont do anything. He is not happy I am not going on our annual hunting trip as I am out of money (spent it on an 8 day fishing trip I took him on this summer) As long as he can drive around and go places he is good. He is going to visit my sister soon and some relatives for a week with a lot of driving and that worries me. He will be fine doing that as it is normal for him and he will be back in the home area (spending money he doesn't have) but once he gets home from that I am out of ideas.

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It seems that you have done (and are doing) everything that you can, however you may underestimate the impact that your mom's death and then your dad's move have had on him. That's a lot for anyone to absorb let alone someone who already has at least one mental disorder.

It seems to me that he may be suffering from depression which may or may not be relieved by medication, but counseling may help. Some joint counseling may help, as well, so that you can both come to a better understanding of how this arrangement is supposed to work.

You'll have to get this figured out (his living with you) so that you can both have some time apart as well as together time. If counseling doesn't help, you may have to consider assisted living for him so that he has people around. I'd suggest in-home care first, but that will cost money unless he has a waiver of some type and you mention that you are both financially strapped. Eventually, something will have to change, so I'd try a doctor first. Good luck,
Carol
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Do you remember how your parents raised you to be a responsible adult? This is the same concept with the shoe on the other foot. Communicate expectations, ground rules, and boundary lines. Don't do for him what he can do for himself. It might be a good idea to go to his next doctor appointment. Provide a heads-up to the doctor beforehand so that he will know your concerns. As others have stated: Assisted living is a good option, if you can find an affordable facility. Senior subsidized housing is another good option, and probably affordable. Call your Area Agency on Aging to find out what's available and whether your father qualifies for their help. No matter what living option you all choose, you will be a caregiver. Get your family onboard and discuss how you can share this responsibility. Write a contract of commitment for everyone to sign off on. Good communication with EVERYONE involved, including Dad, is key.
Barbara M., author
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Thanks, all the answers are helpful. He wont even think of a facility or day care, he is not ready for that. I have gotten him to go to lodge meetings but the guy he was going with is out of town for a while. I get it he is lonely. He is very good about sleeping in to give my wife and I time in the AM to get ready for work. Things are slowly morphing. He is learning our routine. He does his own laundry. He is still in the mode of being invited to dinner. He hears us making it and then scoots to his living room then we have ti call him. I try to cook healthy , proteins, veggies every night. Once in a while a home made pizza. He was going out to lunch every day but the money finally caught up to him ( I tried to tell him but when he bounced a few checks it was finally tough love). He is going to my sisters for a few days for his birthday. It is an 8 hour drive by himself and I am worried. The off to a family event for all of us with another 7 hour drive back. He is looking forward to it but he doesn't have the finances to do the whole thing and neither do I. I will ask my sister to help him out since I front everything else. TBH when he goes there it's like the divorced parent they don't live with all the fun stuff will happen, dinners out, tours, etc.... Anyway. He has been busy with getting to the doctors for check ups and getting his knee in shape with shots. He is a bit more mobile. I gave him some furniture to refinish but he seems to have lost interest. I offered for him to go to the library or other lodges but unless I go he wont and I don't have time. I took him on a business trip for a day and he was happy to get out of the house but the next day I had to take my wife so we could get some time together. I am split between entertaining him and my wife so I'm a bit frazzled right now. Really I think I am the one suffering from depression with all of this. I try to keep it going but there are days when it is tough. Between business, lack of money (bad year) and everything else I have more down than up days and I can't talk to anyone about it. I just keep trudging along. I am happy when I leave my house and more happy when everyone else leaves! I am happy this site is here as if not I wouldn't know what to do. I know it will get better then most likely worse down the road but... For now I am trying anything I can. If he had money and could travel it wouldn't be a problem. He has no money (just enough to pay his bills). So he just sits around the house. I have tried with a few repairs around the house but for the time it takes, me to find the tools and help him I can get it done myself. I did have him run the splitter last week while I put up firewood. easy job for him (killed me tho) he seemed to like ti, but I cant entertain him everyday.
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You are such a good person. I know how much this site helped me and I'm glad we are all here for each other. It's a great place to vent and then find out we are all struggling with similar challenges... and to learn from each other.

Thank you for posting. It is helpful to hear about your story.
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Hi - I like the idea about counseling! It will be so helpful to have a third party lay out suggested ground rules for this new living situation, that none of you are familiar with - adults in the same house I think is always a bit unusual for us. You are doing such a great job, good luck.
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Oh, man, does he need to go to a nice assisted living place! Are there places nearby that would be affordable for him? Is your state one that will take Medicaid for AL? He sounds bored and depressed; is his doctor aware of his lack of motivation?
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If your county has good, subsidized senior housing, take him for a visit and explain that he's moving in. There, he'll be surrounded by others who are looking for ways to fill their days. Near me, a senior who qualifies can rent a one bedroom apartment for about $750 per month, including utilities.
Sounds to me like your dad has dementia and is unable to plan even small tasks. He sounds just like my dad. He lives on his own and doesn't lift a finger to clean his apartment. It's like he no longer recognizes that it needs to be done. Another symptom is how oblivious he seems to be to your financial situation and your work demands. Same here. I find it always helps to remind myself that I'm the adult now.
Moving him into senior housing is obviously easier said than done. I've given up, but if he was living with me, I'd make it a high priority. Respect yourself first. Good luck!
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You need support. Your family is a good place to start. I have a similar situation with my mom. She has mobility issues and dad used to do everything for her. He loved doing it but he did rely on me for relief. Dad passed away last year and mom and I moved to senior housing. I think I underestimated how much care mom needed. She suffers from major depression, along with her mobility issues. I have greater concern for her lack of interest in activities she was once involved in, and sleeping much of the day. I work closely with her Dr. I know that grief has had a huge impact. While there are activities here at the senior housing, mom is uncomfortable in the company of "strangers." She feels weird doing things without dad. We do get out and often eating in a restaurant will evokes tears as she witnesses others with their mate. I get no help in moms care from my siblings. I have however, gotten meals on wheels to come while I am at work. This gives me some peace of mind knowing she is at least getting a meal during the day. Assisted living is an option for you depending on the level of care needed. It is not for everyone... which is another great topic to post. I gave up everything to care for my parents, and I mean everything, so I understand why this is not a position everyone can take on. Care giving is possibly the most stressful job on earth.
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Does he get enough dietary fat in his diet? Lack of quality fats can worsen depressed moods and even lead to brain disorders. Quality fats are natural fats, e.g., butter, extra virgin olive oil, coconut oil, avocado, raw nuts and seeds. Even fatty meats from grass-fed animals can be beneficial.

Avoid unnatural fats, e.g., trans fats; or GMO soy, corn, cottonseed, canola oils. Also avoid deep frying.
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Thanks for the ideas, the have him help may be more of a hindrance. He likes to cook but I will have to do the cleanup and get all the tools out thus more work for me. I am trying to give him chores but suffice to say there is nothing he would or can do. Everything turns into something. If I give him a small job I end up doing it with him. I had him deliver lunch to my FD while we were training, it got there with some issue but he was happy to help out. We were out with friends (actually his age) who I watch after. They wanted to take me and my wife out to dinner for helping them with their house. They asked me to bring my dad. He keeps going on about how "they didn't have to take him out to dinner". He forgets this was my dinner for my wife and I. I was hoping he could strike up a relationship to hang out with them but that wont work, plus he like to tell stories about me so it embarrasses me. It can be a challenge some days. I am making my moms cookies for the holidays so maybe that will help. I try to cook the home meals and things he likes. I just have to not listen to the backhanded compliments I get. Maye this weekend I can get him to make a meal he wants. He keeps going on about the things he wants but they are all things like pigs feet, stomach, liver all the things I don't like, mom wouldn't let him make and you cant really get around here plus they are bad for him. I think he does it to push my buttons. He has been helping to clear the dishes after dinner. I tried to get him to mow the lawn on my tractor that didn't last. The furniture refinishing job is still in the garage taking up space...
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