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My stepmother never informed me, that she was placing him in a nursing home. He doesn't wanna be there, and she refuses to bring him home. Can I bring him to live with me?

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Noodles, as some have said, a person cannot just be admitted into a nursing home by another person. A person must meet a nursing home level of care by a health professional. It also takes a doctors order and care planning by a health team. Your idea to take him out and take him home isn't logical and shows your lack of understanding of his health needs and care that needs to be provided.
I'm hoping you will check back here and read the comments of so many who have experience with caring for a loved one. Best of luck.
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Noodles, we need more information. Who is his POA? Is he competent? I would not interfere in this decision. Caring for elders is very difficult and absolutely will drain you. Before you consider this seriously I suggest you read this article
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Caring-for-a-Loved-One-with-Dementia-It-Takes-a-Village-189876.htm

This is about a daughter that took her Dad to her gome to care for him because Mom just could not provide the necessary care any longer. The new arrangement did not last long.
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I live in california and my mom is in oaklahoma in a nursing home. I believe she was made a ward of the court. I havent spoke to her in 1 1/2 years. When i last spoke to her she wanted to come home and have me take care of her in california. How would i or what are the steps to getting custody of her and bringing her back to ca? Anyone know or have suggestions?
PHanson
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The answer to the question "Can Dad leave and go home with me"? depends on a number of factors you haven't told us:

Is he there under a court order?
Is his wife his legal guardian?
Is he mentally competent (in the legal sense) to decide where he will live?
Do you have any legal authority on his behalf? (DPOA, Medical POA?)

Nursing homes are not prisons, and in general people can decide to leave. But there are exceptions regarding people who have been declared incompetent by a court.

The question you did not ask, but we all feel compelled to answer is Should you bring your dad into your home. Many, many factors go into that answer, too.

Do you live in the same town as the nursing home? Would Dad moving in with you make it more difficult for his wife to visit regularly? If she can conveniently visit often in your home, how would you feel about that?

Getting between a man and wife, even a wife who can no longer adequately care for her husband, is a Very Bad Idea. Please do not even consider this move if it would interfere with their relationship.

As other posters have said, do you fully understand why he qualifies for a nursing home? This is not like checking into a hotel, or even like moving into an assisted living facility. People in NHs are there because they need skilled nursing care, often 24 hours a day. Please be certain to know in detail exactly what cares your father needs before volunteering to provide them.

Does your father have a progressive disease? Old age is progressive, of course, but if in addition to that he has something that gets worse over time, like dementia, Parkinson's, diabetes, then you must consider not only his current needs but his long term needs. Apparently he reached a point where his wife was no longer able to meet all his needs. You are younger (I assume) and maybe you could care for him a little longer. But Please do not go into this thinking it is forever. You may give him a pleasant respite for several months or a few years, but don't insist you'll do this beyond the point where it is no longer what is best for Dad.

Is your home accessible for any appliances and devices that may be needed in caring for Dad? Wheelchair, hoyer lift, shower, etc. If not, can you make them accessible?

If Dad becomes incontinent, would that make a difference to you? What will you do if he has serious trouble sleeping at night?

Do you have a spouse or children in your home? That can be either a big help or more often a serious complication -- usually some of each.

Would his wife be accepting of this decision? Would she fight you about it?

We really don't have enough information to answer the question you did ask or the question that is equally important that you did not ask.

I think many of us would be willing to get more specific if you care to provide more information.
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Noodles, I can tell you mean well. I was once like you. Three years of this has been rough in ways I could have never imagined. I also have a more support than many others on this site and still I have been challenged to my very limits. Emotionally, financially, socially, and it probably will get even more difficult. Good that you are on this site now seeking guidance.
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Noodles, I think his wife was overwhelmed by his care and never told you all the gory details about what she had to go through. Her decision did not come easily. If she got a court order to put him there, only a Judge can decide if he should move out.
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Noodles, nursing homes don't accept patients unless there is a serious reason, otherwise your Dad and his wife would be living together elsewhere.

Please come back on here and tell us what are your Dad's health issues? Apparently something was going on that you didn't notice or you hadn't seen your Dad in awhile. Dementia patients can sound fairly good on the telephone, my Mom did, without me knowing she was having issues at home. She hid them pretty good.
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Yet I think we'll agree it's VERRRY unusual.
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Maggie, I do. My ex mil, that is where she wanted to go.
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Unless he appointed you as either his HCPOA or DPOA, you have no standing to remove him. If your dad is competent, he cannot be forced to stay there against his will. He can simply leave with you.

You'd best be right in what you're doing because encouraging your dad to go home with you is a terrible thing to do to his wife and just MAY be a terrible thing to do to your dad.

I don't know of ONE PERSON who has ever said, "Yep, put me in a nursing home! I can't wait."
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Twocents is right. Unless there are special circumstances, visiting a loved one often, bringing them treats, gifts, talking with them and providing them with support is a lot more likely if you are able to go home and get a full nights's sleep. 24 hour care often exhaust and overwhelm the care giver so that they don't have much time or energy for just one on one time with their loved one. I'd make sure I was prepared for such a huge job and that I had the proper support to help me if that is what your dad needs right now.
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Yes to all the previous statements: he may need help beyond your capabilities. If so, why are you volunteering for a situation that will be total hell by the time it is over? Are you sure you are doing this out of compassion (even if misplaced) and not getting into some sort of competition with your stepmother? Take a step back and think: you have read the posts here, because the drudgery does not end, can you handle it... Nobody really wants to be in a nursing home (well, my ex mother in law wanted it... oy) and as someone pointed out, of course he's gonna say he doesn't want to be there. Don't get in over your head. I think you can help your Dad by visiting him at the home, try and bring things that he would enjoy (as long as not verboten). Stay free.
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I would suspect that if he was admitted to a nursing home that he needed daily nursing care. Do you know what his mental and physical ailments are? As others have posted upthread, I would determine exactly what he is in need of before contemplating taking on that responsibility. Much of the time, constant supervision is required 24/7 as well as care for hygiene, medication administration, etc. I wouldn't just ask your dad what he wants, since sometimes seniors don't have a full appreciation for the work that is required for their care. And if he has dementia, his responses may not be based on reality.
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Make sure you understand what you're getting into at home. Depending on their health and needs this will-become very difficult ,,,,,,,,,,,,, .
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What are your father's impairments? How will you care for him? Have you talked with your step-mother about what difficulties she encountered in caring for him at home?

Make absolutely certain that you are making this decision with your head, not just your heart. Visit your dad as often as you can and ask for help from the nh in evaluating what his needs would be at home. Is he incontinent? Can you handle changing his dispers? Bathing him? If he has dementia, are there behavioral symptoms like sundowning or paranoia? Be aware that some folks with dementia can put on a good act for an hour or two for visitors. You need to know what a whole day and night looks like.
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