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My mother has lived with me and my husband for 17yrs. With the last 2 months she has put a wedge with my brothers who don't live in the same state and they are lead to believe that we have been stealing from her. She talks about us very bad to my brothers and I am harassed to give them the authority to handle her income and for her not to contribute in our household for her living expenses. My mother had open her account with my name on it in 2001 when she first moved with us. My brothers are ordering me to hand over all her information and we should not expect anything from her. We always made previsions for my mom to feel as comfortable but it has been out of our cost range because we have 3 young men and 2 are in college and 1 will be leaving the house in another year. My mom has talked about me, my husband and our children as we are scum of the earth and I have messed up my life by getting pregnant at 26 and having to get married to someone that doesn't add up to her standards (rich). My brothers call me to repeat what she has told them and they don't listen to when I am telling them of all the changes and that what she is saying not true. Mind you my mother has been living with us for 17 yrs and my brothers have only visited her 4 times and lately don't acknowledge the holidays to do something nice for her. I made a point to make a big deal for her 90 birthday to have everyone come here. When they didn't even consider that it was getting to be a little much for us to have us live with us. For the last 5 years it has been nothing but phone calls and they think that is enough. When I let them know what is going on with her, they just tell me what I need to do. I work everyday to help support my family and I have a caregiver to come 4 hrs a day M-F which she liked it at first but that young lady was not very dependable and was in the middle of me and brothers mess which keep the confusion going. Now there is a new young lady who does not listen too much and doesn't talk to her much so my mom has told my brothers that I had something to do with it and told them that I am hiding something and I had to get reed of the first young lady cause she knew what was going on in my household as far as she is concerned.
In the last 6 years we have let her have the master bedroom so she could be more comfortable being she is getting older. We are doing the best that we can and I didn't see anything wrong with her contribute so we could have enough to provide for her needs and all our kids. I just don't appreciate that my brothers want to control me and my household because of my mother outburst of us taking advantage of her. I have asked for them to come and get her but no one has come but they keep calling me to give them all this information which I don't have all of it since my mother has made me responsible of her affairs the last 4 years.

This whole situation has put a strain on my marriage and my kids don't know how to approach my mom since they have heard many conversations with talking about their parents.
I really want her to be happy and if she wants to be somewhere else I have excepted that. No one seems to help with a solution with putting her in a happier situation since she feels so bad here.

i

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What i did in this situation was......... i printed as much info off about dementia IE "when elders accuse", "stress and caregivers" etc...........you name it i printed it all off and sent it to them by post AND email!

I am too having more problems with siblings now as mum has started telling awful lies but i am now getting a shrink to talk to them as apparently here in Ireland the shrinks will get ALL siblings together and discuss this illness in black and white! so roll on this day! if nothing else they have to wake up to this illness OR i would leave and let them at it! Dementia lose control of money and sometimes lose it so its easier to blame us than admit thier losing thier minds! Ive had mum accuse me of stealing money only for her to find it again a few days later? Its not nice when this happens but its fairly normal!
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I have to confess that in the first month after MIL's stroke, she would tell me things that her daughter and SIL were doing/not doing and I believed it. It wasn't until I caught her lying about me and accusing me of taking things when I was her caregiver that the lightbulb went on and I "Got it". I have now educated myself on dementia, even though she hasn't been diagnosed as such, and understand her behavior much more.

The key for our family is to have me & DH in communication with his sister and her husband. When the 4 of us talk, it is easy to sort out the lies and manipulations she is concocting! You are in a tricky spot, maybe there is a trusted family friend who could share info about dementia with your brothers and help them understand that her accusations are true in her mind, but not in real life.
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Sure, take her to the airport. Just make sure TSA calls him and not you.
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We have found out that taking her out of her comfort zone is not a good idea. They like what is familar, and routine.
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Well, thanks again but I only been handling things for the last 4 years because she keep telling me to take care things for her. I am a organized person and have routines with my household to get things done and make sure I get my time in for myself. I have asked her many times when she was always in her right mind to have her desires documented but she would tell me she didn't need to do that and that is why she had my name on her accounts. I know it would end up like this but I will work on getting everything together to protect myself. One of my brothers is sending for my mom to go spend some time with him next Tuesday but he really does not understand that may be too much for her to travel by herself but I will get her ready and let them see what all it takes. Knowing that she likes things a certain way it won't last long and I may have to go and get her myself because she is 91 and is very fearful of things. Being able to vent to others that have been and/or are in the same situation has helped me to get peace withing myself. Thank you all. We will see how it goes......
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You’re in a very hard situation, really and I do acknowledge that. This simply means that you love your mother, in spite of and despite of the things she does and the things she says about you and your family. Continue being the good daughter even though your brothers as well as your mother think otherwise. After all, as long as you know the truth you can sleep comfortably at night. You can never please everyone especially those people who thing wrongly about you. Do not waste yourselves on these negative feelings. Move on and focus on the more important things in life.
In regards with your mom, continue giving her the best you could offer. This is the least thing you could do for her. After all she is your Mom and she is the reason why you’re here, having a life and family of your own. Explain this to your kids. Tell them that you’re doing this for your Mom because you respect her and you love her. Sometimes giving out love and respect is not reciprocated with such, just like what you’re experiencing right now. But that does not make you less of a person.
If this situation is driving a wedge with your relationship with your husband, then it’s focus on this instead of the problems you have with your Mom. Continue doing the things that you do for your Mom but make sure that your husband and family is getting the attention and the care that they deserve from you. You have placed so much time with your Mom, focus on your family and your relationship with them. You can always resolve your issues with your Mom when you’re done catching up with your relationship with your husband and kids.
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We are going thru the same thing. We have been taking care of my mother-in-law for 26 years. She lived in another state. But my husband and I would make trips there all the time. We finally moved her in with us 2 years ago. She sold her house, we shipped what she wanted home. Hopped on planes at different times and brought her home to live with us. No help from her other two children. She always fought with her other kids. At the time we where the only ones who did anything for her. The first thing we did was get a lawyer. And let her tell him what she wanted, in private. My sister in law came into my house, while we had a care giver. Searched our house. From then on we have been stealing her money. My husband and I put a block on her cell phone, mind you we have provide for 10 yrs. We know we had enough when she told the neighbors we were stealing her money, and they called the cops. She is now in a Senior living center, $3,000. a month. And we still get the same thing. How do they think they are getting there money??? None of her 3 kids speak to each other. You can't help but be bitter!
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here is the article: www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-patients-confuse-facts-171466.htm?cpage=0&post=1&cm=391194&z=1 and one of the posts: www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-is-having-very-vivid-dreams-171571.htm?cpage=0&cm=394369#394369. Most eldercare attorneys will advise you to spend yrou parents' money on their home and their care, not yours. Your brothers may not realize it, but what they are really expecting and asking of you is for you to spend your own money and have mom's money left over for a bigger inheritance, or to have a bigger buffer of money if mom ever needs care and you can't provide it. That is not really how it is supposed to work, but I can understand the expectation; I remember asking our estate planners who should be paying some of my mom's bills and the upkeep on her house while she was not living there but we still hoped she might go back, and the answer was Mom and Dad's funds...but there were times I ended up chipping in a lot when their funds were short.
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Most people do not know that people can sound OK but not be OK with some types of dementia and really do take everything at face value. There are many threads on here about that, even an article pretty recently - print them out and send them, along with whatever financial details you can.
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We are so sorry that you are going through this.

We have found that my MIL's largest targets for aggression and violence are her caregivers. At one time, it was us. Now it's a facility staff. Your situation sounds similiar but the aggression is different.

Your brothers can solicit the court to order you to provide a financial accounting, depending on your state's laws. It will cost them money to do so, becuase they'll have to hire an attorney who will have to go to the court to get a court order. One way to head this off is to provide that accounting information to them up front. They seem to want that. Make them see that you have done nothing but use your mom's money for her care and expenses, which includes her share of living and eating in your house.

There does come a time when your mom might need more help than you can provide, which may be at the point she's too much to handle with all these accusations. At that point, you'll probably need to file to Medicaid support if she doesn't have a huge stash of cash or long term care insurance. Medicaid will want to see the last five years of accounting, bills, etc, and will specifically look for any "gifts" of over $1,000. Every transaction over $1,000 will require an explanation.

Just posting this to say that you should be prepared to address these concerns and NOT to suggest that you did anything wrong along the way during the last 17 years. As the one who's handled the finances between my wife and me, I made it a point to keep my in-laws' finances completely separate from our own, except when we bought them something on a credit card and then had them pay us back, just to be ready to address these kinds of problems should they arise.

Finally, Jeannegibbs suggested that perhaps she'd like to go live with your brothers a while. Great suggestion. Then they'll get a first hand look at what you've gone through for the last 17 years! And then they can see how much they're "stealing" from your mom!
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I really do appreciate all the responses. I don't have a power of attorney or elderly guardianship so I will pursue having this done as soon as possible. One of my brothers who is interested in overseeing her finances is 1500 miles away and he has said that give him a few months if I want her to come there. But he tries to make me feel guilty of wanting to do that. The other one has not talked to me in the last month since everything blow up. But he sends me text with threats of taking us to jail however he has not offered to come and get her. She is getting the attention from them that she really wants but it is so toxic with me and our relationship that I don't really want to deal with it anymore. I just want a peaceful and happy environment in my home.
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google up capgras effect . you and your family will see that this may get worse . i experienced being accused of stealing from mom , trying to poison her AND of being an imposter -- just like the medical text predicted ..
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Your mother's behavior is not uncommon among people who have dementia. (My husband thought I was stealing from him. Sigh.)

This is generally only a problem with outsiders who have no understanding of dementia and also no knowledge that the person saying these things has dementia. In other words, your brothers.

Your mother would be spending money on her housing and food and care no matter where she is. That she is spending it with you is NOT "stealing."

I do think that you need to spend some of her money to consult an attorney who specializes in Elder Law, on her behalf. He or she can advise you about guardianship. Maybe a letter on the firm's stationery explaining to your brothers' the current situation would settle them down a little.

It MIGHT be time to find other living arrangements for Mom. Would she want to live with one of her sons? Would they do that? Or some kind of care facility might ease the strain on your marriage while still allowing you to be her advocate and visit her as a loving daughter, not as the hands-on caregiver. Maybe it is time to reclaim the master bedroom.
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AGRogers, you have not been doing anything wrong. You're mother would be paying for her upkeep if she were living on her own. It is probably costing her less to live with you. And she is probably enjoying some extra services she wouldn't get if she was living independently.

I would just be open with my brothers about how much money your mother is spending to live. You don't need to hide if you are charging her for housing and groceries or caregivers. Those are expenses for her maintenance. If anyone talks about stealing money, all you have to say is, "I would never do that." You don't owe any other explanation.

Is your mother of sound mind? Maybe you can ask her why she thinks you're stealing from her. That may back her down in an honest way. (Either that, or he answer will make you even madder.)
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If she were living in my house, with the information you've given here, and assuming every word is true, it'd be a cold day in hell that I'd be sending my brothers anything. They'd get NOTHING.

Further, if I even suspected with my pinkie finger that they would hire an attorney and try to do something legally? I'd go for guardianship of my mom so that they'd find the ship they planned on boarding had already sailed. (This is, of course, assuming that she has dementia.)

It is not wrong for her to contribute to your household. Seventeen years indeed. Lord, what's wrong with people??

If I were you, just on general principle, I'd spend some of mom's money and get myself to an elder law attorney to explore guardianship. Please tell us you already have her financial power of attorney.
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