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My dad has dementia, & is in a home. My brother has been his caregiver as he has always lived at home (while I now reside in England - they are in Toronto). My brother won't update me - and gets very defensive when I ask for updates. I am being shut out. I would like to know what to do. Thanks in advance for any help!

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I have said to him I know he did the right thing moving Dad into a home - though asking him what I can do to help is a good idea. I will give that a try - he does think I am criticising him (or it appears so). Be he gets really prickly when I ask anything. :(
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Laura, maybe you could try it from another angle - ask your brother what you can do to help him, try to break through the communication logjam, emphasizing that you're not critical but rather just want an update. Maybe if you can assure him you're not going to criticize him for moving your father to a home he'll be less reluctant to share information with you.
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I have done a lot of the above - although as I only found out in May that Dad was in a home, & am trying to get on contact with the home. Every time I broach the subject my brother ignores me, or gets really defensive! :(
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Surely he responds when you ask, "How is dad doing?" Not sure what kind of updates you're not getting, but sounds like there's some history between the two of you that might be getting in the way.

Are you calling dad? Sending him cute greeting cards every few weeks? Sending your brother a gift card now and then to thank him for doing the heavy lifting? Sending a big box of candy to the nursing home on behalf of dad's family on Nurse's Day or Christmas or 'just because'? Do you fly in to see him every other year or so?

I'm asking just to come at this issue from another perspective. There must be some reason you're not sharing that causes your brother to be defensive...
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