Follow
Share

Im hoping some of you can relate to what im asking about... Im 52 and my 'boy'friend is 54 (certainly not teenagers!). My boyfriend is a full-time carer for his mum; which I totally respect. The problem is, however, how can I get him to realise that him and 'us' need to have a life of our own?? His mother is a lovely lady and I know that she would be incensed if she realised he wont get on with his own life. Im more than willing to include her in anything we do. I would never shut her out; I would just like some 'balance'. He is always saying he cant do .... whatever, because he has to be on call for his mother. Were not getting any younger ourselves (I had a serious stroke recently, which certainly had an impact on my outlook). I've suggested him arranging for his sister to care sometimes; but he wont even consider it. I feel hes waiting for her to die (sorry for saying that) until he'll start his/our life. Who knows when this may be... I may go first.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Mary, I don't know how close you and your boyfriend are, or what is wrong with his mother that she requires so much time. Do you spend a lot of time together at his place? Forgive me, but I had to chuckle a bit when I first read what you wrote. When someone I am not overly interested in asks me to do something, my excuse is I can't because I can't be away from my mother that long. If you spend a lot of time with him at his place, this doesn't apply. If you don't, you might consider if possibly he is trying to avoid you in a nice way. I don't know what the situation might be, so please don't be offended if what I wrote doesn't fit.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

How long has he been the main carer, Mary? It may be that he's just too knackered and stuck in a rut to make the effort.

Umm. How about, doing it the other way round - find something you know (ask around) that he can't possibly resist wanting to do, make sure his mother's all set up while you're away, and see if that'll start the ball rolling.

And if not, you might be looking at someone who's just making excuses. Hope not!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Like any normal relationship, get your own life, be a little less available, dance away for a little while. See if he follows.

You must be laughing right about now-whatever in the world is a NORMAL relationship?

Something to get you thinking.......
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This is tough. His mother will naturally only become more dependent as time goes by. Part of your conversation might be what his plans are should she require more help. Would you then also be a caregiver? Are you willing to do that? Would he do that for your family? Not saying there is a right or wrong answer to these questions but they are things you might want to consider. It sounds difficult to me but it is all relative to what you are looking for in a life partner. His mother will come first I suspect. When she is gone he will have a transition period and might not be ready for a relationship for a good while. If your strong suit is putting your needs behind those of others regardless of where they are in their lives then it might work for you. He is probably already spending his time as he thinks he should. "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." How supportive of you was he when you had your stroke? Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Its a rough road, when dealing with a partner who is the caregiver to their LO, no matter what your status is, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance. I would recommend you type into the search box any one of tbese titles, as well as intimacy , and see what others have had to go through, and then decide if this is something that you are still willing to go through with your partner for the long run. I've been with my husband 31 years, and had his father living with us for 12 of those years, and it is Not Easy! Remember, that we are All growing older, and the LO is really getting up there in years, and health problems continue to escalate at a rapid rate. It won't get easier, only harder as you go along. You Say that you will wish to include her, but eventually this becomes harder and harder and then turns into resentment, I'm married to the guy, we gad a full life, 4 kids together and now 3 grandchildren, and even I resent this situation at times, a lot of the time! without a solid commitment, It definitely won't work unless he puts you first, and your relationship, trust me!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

How old is his mum? Guessing, based on his age, I'm thinking in the 75 - 90 range. If it's near the 75 mark you could have a long wait ahead - to start your life together. Based on your age - no insult as I'm 54 - do you really want to wait that long? Given that you are willing to accept mum as a part of the package, his wanting to wait - putting mum first in the mean time...well, to be honest, it wouldn't sit well with me as a legitimate reason to back burner your relationship. I wouldn't suggest any ultimatums - that never sits well with anyone - but perhaps it's time for that four letter word that makes most men uncomfortable- talk.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Even if his mum dies my guess is things will not change. There are some carers that are just not capable of forming other relationships, they can be very draining while giving all we have to the parent. I think it almost becomes a codependent relationship. Then other times the cargiving become a reason why they cannot do anything with someone else. Sorry you are going through this, but I woyld be doing more of what I want to do alone. Maybe I would meet someone with more time and energy for me.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.