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I just put my 96 year old Mom in assisted living because, after years of her doing so well, she suffered brain injuries from not using her walker and falling. She would fall and never break anything but always managed to ht her head. She then got a UTI and after a stay in the hospital, and another bad fall she began hallucinating, paranoid and mean and abusive. I have taken full time care of her due to a car accident four years ago and she has required 24/7 care. I had no idea that it was killing me until she was placed. Oh and after her car accident I destroyed my lower back and have been on hold to go in and repair all the damage that was done taking care of her. I have a ten month, in a body cast, recovery ahead of me and couldn't wait any longer. She is my Mom and this is so difficult for me but I am now suffering greatly from postponing the back surgery. Sorry, don't mean to sound like a victim but I am her sole caregiver and I even have a hard time visiting her because she is mean and all I hear about is the dead bodies under her bed and all the people in her closet every night and how I am stealing all of her money. She has never been this way and has always known that I am the one daughter that she could count on and would never take advantage of her. Just wondered if anyone else feels the same way?

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Pelmel
My dear, your mama is blessed to have you and I can't imagine what you're going through as you face a long recovery yourself

Yes, no matter how old and difficult they become with dementia, many of us feel the guilt of placing a loved one in a care facility

I did the best I could working and letting mom stay at home until the falls became too much - they were very difficult years

She has been in a memory care facility for 13 months now and there are new worries and difficulties but given the circumstances I'm still trying my best to take very good care of her

Please continue to let us know how you are doing - dementia is a long tiring journey for all
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Safety first. When we had to make the decision to place my mom in a NH her safety was foremost and that's what I had to tell myself over and over again. When she tugs at your heartstrings and the guilt creeps back in (because it never goes away) you just have to be strong and tell yourself this is the best decision to keep her safe now. Look at the positive side - she is clean, offered meals & watched over. It's hard but isn't it really the best you can offer for her now?
Take a deep breath, it's ok. I always thought about those less fortunate that her when I didn't feel my decision was the best one.
Then I used to leave her and cry for an hour, but just repeated "safety first".
Good luck dear.
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You obviously care a great deal about your mother. You have made a very hard decision that will provide her with the best care possible. If you don't take care of yourself, what quality of life will you have and what will you be able to offer your mother. Take care, dear lady and know that you are doing the best you can, faced with so many obstacles.
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Your mother's brain injury is responsible for her new mean behavior and delusions. This is not your real mother talking. She can't help what is going on. Is she on any anti-anxiety meds? Do you think that would be helpful?

If it is any consolation, this behavior may well go away on its own. My husband thought I was stealing from him for a couple of months, but then that paranoia went away.

Go have that surgery! Take care of you! Perhaps when you are out of the cast you and your mother can resume pleasant visits.

Feeling guilty? I think a lot of people do when their loved ones have to be placed in a care center. But the car accident was Not Your Fault. Her falls were Not Your Fault. Her UTI was Not Your Fault. And her dementia is very definitely Not Your Fault. You really have nothing to feel guilty about. I know that won't make the guilt feelings go away. Try to push them way to the back of your brain, and don't let them control your decisions.
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