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It has been a year and a few months and I still despise living with my Mom most of the time. Hard to explain in a few words, but in general, I am living a nightmare and now have depression and I am stressed to the hilt and see no end in sight to this nightmare. I want the best for my Mother, but I want someone else to help now. I want my home and my life back!

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Your well being comes first. Realize you can't care for someone when you are worn to a frazzle, and your own health will suffer badly. We owe it to our parents to see they are well cared for, but not by killing ourselves in the process. Her MD may recommend an assisted living facility or even a skilled nursing home. It's time to have that conversation with him. Read many of the posts here. You have to know your limits.
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I feel your pain, believe me, and I'm sure a lot of others here have and are still experiencing some level of that frustration and anger you feel. Pam is right. When you've reached your limits, you will exceed them and become ill yourself if changes aren't instituted.

First, set aside some time for yourself, RIGHT NOW, whether it's going out or just shutting your bedroom door and being alone. Read, listen to music, craft, sew, or go outside and garden.

"Take yourself outside your situation" by imagining the kind of things you would do now if you had no responsibilities to your mother. Then think how you can re-integrate those activities into your life by decreasing what you feel you need to do for your mother.

I've recently decided to use a combination of meditation and daydreaming to create a more pleasant mindset that allows me to do what I have to do. I imagine myself gardening, teaching again, things that I used to do and enjoyed. This occurs first thing in the morning, and I don't get up until I feel relaxed and able to tackle the day's tasks.

If you need to fix breakfast for your mother, perhaps you could put together a meal the night before and she can just microwave it. If she can't or won't do that, fix a sandwich that she can have, or maybe set out cereal and a bowl. Begin helping her help herself (unless she has advanced dementia, which is a different situation).

Get Meals on Wheels to cut down on the lunch and dinner prep. Unless she has swallowing difficulty, take a break and get out of the house while she's eating.

We've just implemented MOW; the meals are enough for 2 meals so that's lunch and dinner taken care of. The relief of not being obligated to cook and prepare meals is palpable.

Start interviewing home care agencies; I've collected information from them at AAA Expos, but you could also just contact your local AAA or Google home care agencies in your area. Don't let Mom deter you from this task; she may feel a sense of rejection and claim you're not a good daughter if you want someone else in to care for her but tell her that it's BECAUSE you are a good daughter that you want the best care for her, and someone to help out will achieve that.

Think of everything that you do that could be done by others - hire the laundry, cleaning, if you can afford it. If she's a church member, contact the pastor to find out what their relief society will do - even just a visit will give you some free time.

But start right now and take some time out for yourself - just get out of the house and go for a walk if nothing else.

Good luck on this path; it's a hard one to walk.
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Heres the bad news: It will never be the same again. Here's the good news: it will never be the same again.
Here's the fact: it is what it is. Mostly, its your perception that makes it bad or good. Here's a fact: death is immanent -- for Mom and for you. Here's a fact: You are only your mom if you cant figure out how not to be her. My biggest problem with dads was boundaries. If he felt bad, I figured it was my duty to feel his pain. I didn't know how NOT to feel his pain. I would remember how he took care of me and small things he did for me (and things he did TO me) and it would just make it worse. Somewhere, God gave me a gift, because I I slowly slowly was ready to receive it. It was the gift of separation. It went through steps. People here would tell me to get some me time and I had no idea what that meant. But they knew what I didn't know so I faked it and did it. and little by little I started telling those people who said "let me know if theres anything I can do to help" exactly what they could do to help. And I kept praying (im not a religious peson, so I guess you could say I kept thinking of the universe and how big it was and how I could fit into it without carrying around so much weight) How it was possible for me to trust that someone else, even though they might now do everything my way, could do them and that I wasn't the boss of everybody. And now, being honest with myself, I understand that I have always and will always be a caretaker. Ever wonder why its us and not one of our siblings? its because we are caretakers. some people are and some aren't. and as soon as I pulled back from dad, I found myself caretaking in other arenas.
this journey is a long one, but you can learn so much about yourself. and gain peace from it all. Heads up, shoulders down. You are brave and wonderful. breathe it in and keep going. I know you can!
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I can really relate. I am going on 3 years now as my Mothers caregiver. After about year one I became very depressed, hated my life, did not want to get out of bed and resented my Mom. I knew that I had to help myself because my sibs had effectively disappeared and my Mother has the intellectual ability of a 4 year old. First I got into therapy for my doormat behavior towards the rest of the members of my family. This helped a lot because I became more assertive in my need for respite and help. I got on an antidepressant because I am of no use to anyone if that deep depression starts. Joined a gym close to the house so I can get away for a couple of hours to take care of my physical needs. I also have joined a group for caregivers of elderly parents. This took me a while to find but I finally found one at Kaiser. I also volunteer at the local Humane Society because I love animals and they provide me joy in my life. It is still hard and boring many days but much better than it was that first year. Bottom line though if you feel so miserable maybe it is time for a different living situation. No one should become so depressed that it takes away your contentment and sanity. If you help yourself first it becomes easier to help others. Good luck on this very difficult road. Remember that everything is temporary and it does change - just so hard when you are in the center of the storm.
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It is such a hard situation and each one is different, depending on the circumstances. You MUST make some time for yourself and be very good to yourself. I recently felt stressed out, I was feeling this in my neck and back, had a constant headache, wasn't sleeping well and really did not like my mother very much. The article "Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver" helped me immensely - it is true, and I am NOT a caregiver. I had a discussion with my mother and explained to her that I did not want to be responsible for her happiness, did not want to make every decision for her (including when to water her ivy!!) and I would no longer do these things. She, amazingly, agreed - she knows she relies too much on me and will try to "help" herself. I have been enjoying my "new" life for 4 days with only tiny moments of feeling some guilt. My mother is 82 and is capable of a lot of things - I told her I would help her with the things she just cannot do (mowing the grass) but not everything. It really worked - may need re-inforcing after a while but for now, it is great. You must get some relief or you will be no good for her or you.
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Such wonderful comments from all here. I can certainly understand how you feel as I'm the primary caregiver for my dad (3 sisters out of state) and even though he does not live with me, it can be very draining. Especially when an illness or crisis occurs. I was told my life would not be the same once he moved near me and boy were they right! I just didn't know to what extent. The constant drain on your emotional energy is part of the problem. So many people on this site had such great suggestions. First of all just admit what isn't working and don't do those things but find a way they can get done. Second only do what you can. Find and reclaim your own time and own interests or you will wither into a bitter resentful person and you will not like who you become. I am finding I have to consciously and daily work on my attitude. I have finally started meditating. Why? Because first of all meditation articles and info kept appearing in my life and hitting me over the head so I realized God or the Universe wanted me to pay attention. Second, meditation has been shown via research to positively impact our brains…even to the point of helping us in the area of an aging brain. To make it simple for me, I downloaded an app on my phone and use it to guide my meditation. You will feel more centered afterwards. When our emotional energy or psyche is sucked by constant demands and negativity and negative people, it will do us harm. We have to learn how to recenter, distance ourself, and recharge. Think on these things, pray on these things and write down what you feel might help you get your life back. No it will never be the old life, but it can be better than what you have now. Get a plan and you will begin to be able to feel calmer and a sense of peace. Hugs.
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Loved what," daughterlinda" said....I invite you to look at things differently & as you do so, they will change....we go through it any way, however, we get to choose if it is joyfully or fearfully.
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There are so many helpful answers here. Depression and horrendous anxiety have been my companions in this caregiving journey too. YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Please, please see your doctor; tell him your situation; cry your eyes out if that helps (works wonders for me!) and tell MD that you cannot do this without some kind of help. I take an antidepressant and have a mild anti-anxiety prescription too and they have helped me enormously. I also attend 3 support groups--one for caregivers, two for people with depression issues--and these I couldn't live without. YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF because you are a caring, valuable person, a true asset to the world and your caregivee needs you. YOU NEED YOU! You matter terribly. Bless you and I send you thoughts of strength and serenity. It's out there, truly! If I found it you will too. Hugs
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You deserve to have a life of your own, you deserve to be happy. As your mom continues to age it will just become more challenging for you so now would be a good time to make some changes if you are able to. The posts above me are very long so I didn't read them and I apologize if I've repeated what they said. What do you see as options? Mom being in a NH? Having extra help by hiring in-home caregivers? Asking any siblings to pitch in?

Just as your mom is not going to get any better neither are you if you continue going on like this. I hope you consider some options so you can have your life back.
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You are not alone. I am in you same situation. And this blog has helped tremendously. Get help counseling to treat the depression.
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