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My husband (alz) took a nap today and woke in a poopy mess. I put him in the shower and changed the bed. Then he sat in his chair in the den and watched tv.
He is so rational much of the time I almost forget something is wrong until 5 minutes later he asks me something out of the blue. I cooked supper and then asked him to come get his plate and drink. We eat in the den where we have eaten for years. He said no. My back was hurting so bad and I have congestive heart failure. I am 70, he is 72. It made me so angry I wanted to throw his plate at him. I knew if he was normal he would have jumped to help me. It is just so hard sometimes to remember he isn't himself. He is getting more and more selfish like this. After an incident like this I feel so guilty because I know he can't help it but it is so hard. How do I deal with this. I was angry a good 20 minutes and I know I am only hurting myself.

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I agree all around! Guilt stinks..When I feel guilty I remind myself I am doing the best I can to care for my Mom..Just try not to ruffle his feathers. Walk away take a deep breath and remember the better days...

Do you have any services coming in the home to help? Does your husband go to Adult daycare? I hope you get respite time for yourself!
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Yes, yes, and more yesses. I have to constantly work to maintain an even keel and not become annoyed at things which shouldn't be troublesome under other circumstances.

It takes a strong mindset to be a caregiver, and takes a lot of work to create that mindset.

Sometimes you really have to take life a minute at a time. It does help to stop and think how you would react if you were in the situation of the person you're caring for, if you didn't realize you had dementia and were losing comprehension. That minute or so is sometimes enough time for the compassion to take over.
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SondraO, I don't have a great answer, I just wanted to offer you a big virtual hug. What you're doing is HARD. Much harder on you, because you're aware of the changes in your husband. I think you're probably mad at the situation...which you have every right to be!

I get angry at my stubborn mom sometimes...and it makes me feel guilty. But I know that I'm doing the best I can overall, so I cut myself some slack.

Hugs...
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I get angry a good bit. I know it doesn't do any good. Sometimes I get on AC and write about it and it makes me feel a bit better. Sometimes it seems like my mother's default setting is NO. If I want her to do something, she'll fight me about it. I think it is her trying to keep control when it probably feels to her like I'm controlling everything. It is frustrating when we hear No so much.

Something I've found that works is to tell my mother something is available as soon as she wants it. For example, instead of bringing her plate to her, I would tell her that it was on the kitchen table when she was ready for it. That plants a seed in her mind and soon she will get her plate. She really did want it. She just didn't want me to be the boss of her.

I don't know what it might be for your husband. I guess if I woke up a poopy mess and had to be cleaned, I might have a bit of an attitude, too. But you weren't the cause of his attitude. See if planting seeds of ideas in his mind will work. Maybe he will go get his own plate in a few minutes.
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