What do you do when your mother just doesn't care about herself, abuses her health and won't eat right?

Some people are not meant to be caregivers. Forcing a person to assume resposibility for their elderly parent can potentially lead to abuse. I am one who does not believe it is an adult child's responsibilty to care for their elderly parents. That decision should be made by the individual themselves not society's ignorant opinion of what is right and wrong.

jo jo your answer is uncaring and yes you may not be able to change if the mother has dementia but to say wish her luck and say goodby is cruel, she can't help having a disease, how would you like to be treated that way??? this women needs help whether she wants it or not and her own apartment is not the answer, she either needs assisted living or a nursing home, you can't just throw her away, have some empathy

to: Judyc, we take care of them because we love them and that is what God wants us to do, it does not matter whether they can remember us or not it matters that you loved her and took care of her till you could no longer do it, remember love is what is important and empathy, lots of hugs

jojo,
I understand where you are coming from on this one. My Mother is the very same way, although, recently she has become almost blind, which adds more to the responsibilities. I have trouble understanding why she is so defiant, combative and hateful being in such a state as she is in, I suppose it is to let the world know she is NOT going to completely give up her independence. I try to put myself in her position, which I am a very independent person, but I cannot fathom the thought of defying a family member who would be extending their hand to help me if I needed assistance.
All I can say is, don't feel guilty about her leaving, just let her go and know things will eventually work out like they are suppose to. It is going to be impossible for you to keep a controlling eye on her after she moves out, so, you HAVE to allow what happens with this decision, just happen. You can't sit and worry about her. All you can do is let her know you will be there if she needs you.

Thank you Sylvester18. I appreciate the support and your advice. It's so frustrating....It helps to hear from others who are going thru the same things. I just found this group today and I'm still trying to figure out how to use this site, but I can see where it could be a lifesaver!!! Thank you again, your words really hit home and I needed to hear this!!!!!

Hi Jojo~It sounds to me-that your Mom has given up on herself-or she is looking for someone to be attentive to her-In either case, depending on her physical and mental status, you need to have a discussion with her (if possible), and let her know that you cannot continue, and you think it is time to check out a facility-such as assisted living. As a caregiver, I am sure that you have done your very best-and before you are totally burned out-possible change becomes necessary. Let go of that caregiver's guilt--and move forward. If there are others in your family, see if you can have a family meeting, with her present, about your Mom's care.
Best to you on your journey,
Hap

You keep saying you feel guilty. Do you mean responsible? Well, you're not responsible for anyone else's decisions. Do you mean "like I'm not succeeding at something I'm supposed to accomplish"? Well, you can't accomplish stuff that is in other people's hands, so what's wrong there isn't your "failure" to accomplish it but the sense that you're "supposed" to, even when it's not in your hands. If you really mean "guilty" then what have you done wrong? This whole episode in your life is a tailor-made opportunity to learn -- painfully, I'm sorry -- where your responsibilities leave off and other people's begins.

I'm sorry to say that I don't believe your mother is going to do any better living by herself. It sounds alot like my mother who really needed to be moved to an assisted living facility. She didn't want to go and still thinks that she doesn't need anyone to take care of her but does now like living in the facility and is being taken care of 24 hours a day. It is such a relief to me to see that now she is happy again.... I don't think that they realize how much help that they really need and fight it all the way. I had to just take action and do what I thought was best for my mom...She was diagnoised with Dementia so I did have power of attorney.........

My grandmother in her 80's was like that. The family sent her to me. First thing I did was get her enrolled into an Adult Day Care, bought her a few new outfits, got her up and on the transport bus ( because she was lazy and didn't have too get there until she got around to it IF I TOOK HER )....she was tired when she came home and slept all night ! yay!..she began looking much better and soon she was getting up and dressed on her own and out the door. Next Came Assisted Living. She really missed her place with me at the house but I did not allow her back in. The family came and took her back where they put her in a nursing home. Poor grandma. At least I have memories. She doesnt remember any of it. Makes ya wonder why we even try when they dont even remember. Sometimes we do things for ourselves and not "what needs to be done". Give the basics, Shelter, Food, and medical. That's all you can do for her. AND For yourself, take time to enjoy life before we get that age or sickness. LOL

One thing I have not seen mentioned here yet are the legalities of this type of situation. It appears to be an "unknown" as to whether jojo has POA or guardianship over her mother. If she has neither it DOES NOT matter what she wants for her mother (legally).....her mother has the right to move out, dementia or not. If mother does not agree to sign the POA then jojo will have to be appointed her guardian by a judge, then she will be able to make the correct choices for mother's care. Until then mom cannot be held a "prisoner" anywhere. Doesn't mean she doesn't still love mom, but without that little piece of paper..............................