I'm so upset right now that I almost don't have the energy to type out my thoughts. I have so much to say. So much to write. I have been up for 2 hours crying in bed, sick.

I gave up my job to go to my parent's house to spend time with my mom and help while she is on hospice. I have 2 small children who are with me.

I feel taken advantage of at times. I feel like a slave. I feel disappointed at how I'm treated and how my children are treated. My mother is always crabby, and quite frankly..... Right now... The way I feel is that I like it when she's passed out sleeping because she's not so negative, so critical, so crabby. I used to feel guilty for those feelings, but right now.... I don't..

My dad has treated me like a child and has underminded my parenting at times.

I just don't have the energy to type a whole lot or explain. Maybe I'll feel more up to it later.

My mom has stage IV cancer and is on hospice. I feel so disappointed at the time spent here with her. So very disheartening....

Anyone else have these feelings?

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Why do you feel the need to be at your folks' house caring for your mom, when your dad is there with her, and so is hospice? If she's miserable and complaining all the time, then subjecting yourself and your small children to that toxicity is not healthy for any of you! I'm very sorry that she's dying of stage IV cancer, that is very sad, and it's also understandable why she's not in the best mood, perhaps. But she should also be feeling somewhat upbeat and grateful that her daughter & grandchildren are there to help her and bolster her up right now. But she's apparently not.

Which means it's time for you to get out of there and go back to work. Visit once a week (or whatever you pre determine to be best) and take your life back. If it were me, I'd leave the children home for most of the visits, too, because they're young and may feel traumatized by the atmosphere in their grandparents' home. Unless you feel that SOMETHING positive is gained for them by the experience, then don't expose them to it. Childhood is so fragile and so short lived; allow them to remember grandma in a positive and loving light. That's my suggestion.

And finally, hospice can drag on for quite a long time. My mother has a friend who had a TON of serious health issues and wound up being on hospice for nearly 3 YEARS. Nobody can say how long a terminal person will live; only God has that information and we're not privy to it.

You've done enough, methinks. Time to step back now & rethink your next steps in this troublesome situation. Wishing you the very best of luck moving forward.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to lealonnie1
gemswinner12 Apr 16, 2020
Great answer! My Mom was on hospice for about two years, so just the term "hospice" is by no means a definite indicator for life expectancy. So, if Mom does pass away soon, then you're stuck in the house with angry Dad? I just cannot see the benefit to you and your children unless you don't have the funds to live anywhere else. Get back to work, save up money if you need funds, and get out is my best advice.
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I had to grieve for the relationship that I could not have with mthr before I was effective at helping her at all. Mthr was not capable of being a nice person to me. That meant that I limited my time with her, although I help her from afar.

I want you to consider your nursing skills. What skill is it at the end of life that you have that the other members of your family lack? Can they not change diapers? Not wipe lips with swabs? Not pull drops out of a bottle? I think they are fine doing those things.

It may be that you are hoping to get some kind of affirmation from your mom that she's never given you. She sounds like she and your dad are unappreciative. You have given enough for now. You don't have to knock yourself silly to work towards a goal that may never come.

Your children are being affected. I remember when mthr took me on a long trip to my grandfather's house to clean it out. I remember being told to play on the walkway of the townhouse in a city, and to never talk to strangers. I remember vividly a very tall woman coming up to me and asking where my mother was, and freezing in fear because a stranger was talking to me and would surely kidnap me.

I remember nothing else. I was about 4 or 5. What vivid memories will your children keep? Control what they are exposed to!
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Reply to surprise
Harpcat Apr 18, 2020
Insightful answer.
I think no one with 2 children should quit a job when Dad is there. And he can't be that old if you have children.

Can you get your job back? Can you go back to your own place? This is not working. You need to get out. You are in their house so hard to set boundries.
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Reply to JoAnn29
Stress2020 Apr 17, 2020
I'm an older mama. my husband and I had children later in life. So, my dad isn't a spring chicken, but he's not way over the hill.

I agree with you now. I wish now more times than not that I did NOT quit my job for MANY reasons. My bills are taken care of. So, that's not a concern at this particular moment in time (thankfully).

Can I get my job back? Sure I can always start back. I started babysitting from home a few months before mom was rushed to the ER, admitted, and then sent home on hospice. I quit my job then.. I was a stay-at-home mama so that I could spend more time with my children. I was a stay-aat-home mama for 3 years (10 years of nursing prior,). My children and I can always return back to our home, and I could always pick up babysitting from home again truth be told. Financially I don't have too but I like too for extra spending money for my babies.

Yes, boundaries are VERY hard to set in THEIR house. Yes ma'am they are!

Thank you for your response..
Get a new job, move, and get on with your life.

Your current situation is clearly not working and must change.
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Reply to HelloImMinsu
Stress2020 Apr 17, 2020
I agree with you. Change is needed most definitely, and I'm working towards that as we speak. Thank you for response.

Definitely agree!
The thing about hospice is that family assume that means imminent death, but in reality it may mean many months. Is there any possibility of a hospice facility? At the very least you need more hired help so that you can recharge and deal with your other obligations.

Sorry, I just read your updates - there is no need for you to subject your children to this when there are other people available, for goodness sake go home and limit your help to the days and hours your husband can be there with the kids!
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Reply to cwillie
Stress2020 Apr 17, 2020
Aw yes, thank you! You reminded be that is a hospice benefit! Many months? Sometimes that seems like a good thing, and times like this.. I'm ready for it to all be over.....

Respite care - Up to 5 consecutive days at the hospice facility to give caregivers a break! I need to remind my dad and sister of this.

My mom woke me up at 06:30am by snapping her fingers VERY hard, VERY long for a long time. She wanted a glass of orange juice and 2 pieces of buttered toast with cinnamon sugar. Why snap fingers? I guess because she didn't want to exert herself speaking (?) Nor wake the kids (?). We sleep on the sofa bed in the TV room next to her room (former dining room). I was up for 3 hours straight last night, and then when I did sleep I woke every 30 minutes to an hour partly because my kids are all over the bed and partly due to my stomach being upset and thinking about everything.

Thank you for reminding me of this!
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So glad I read further and saw that you’re going home. And sorry for the stress and bad treatment you’ve received. There’s no excuse to be mean and cruel, even when on hospice and knowing the end is coming doesn’t give an excuse to treat your help in such a way. Please don’t set yourself up for more of it. You’ve done your best, now do your best for your own family. Return when the end is very near to say goodbye. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930

my mom contracted covid19 and was hospitalized - she is 88 with heart failure, diabetes and hypertension but she was still cooking , cleaning and doing laundry before covid….she came back from hospital a completely changed person - mostly due to not feeling well from corona - has not gotten out of her pjs since mar 10 - sleeps a lot - gets up every hour to spit sputum and pee - and I get up with her since she needs assistance now getting out of bed, etc...….im now doing all cooking, shopping, laundry......etc - sometimes she is critical and snappy BUT I realize its because she is angry at being sick , angry at being old, angray at needing assistance and bothering I try to swallow my pride - eventhough im dead tired and try to understand that if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be happy either....she is weak, cant use her right arm due to torn bicep/rotator cuff.....I know its hard to just accept it - sometimes I snap - but I try to understand it....I know when she is gone, I don't want to remember us arguing so I accept it as much as a I can.
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Reply to Mhillwt
Lizzyvoo Apr 19, 2020
You've been doing it from March 10th, imagine doing it year in, year out, 1 person can't keep it up.
This is what stood out to me, because it was my experience: "It could be tolerated more if the crankiness and critical spirit and negativity was not present I'm sure."

I was only (very!) briefly a live-in caregiver for my mother, which turned out to be just over a week when she became nearly helpless because of some muscle strains. It was awful. But from that experience, I figured out that I would never do personal care for my mother.

She lived "independently" in her condo 7 minutes from me. I called myself the "Dummy Daughter Driver," because that is all I was when she gave up driving at age 90 -- her driver. She did not like the boundaries I put on that, would not let me grocery shop for her (I wouldn't pick out the exact right piece of fruit, can, box, etc.). Anything I had to drive her to do took hourssss....She doubled-down on the orders about how to do every.single.little.thing because that gave her the illusion of control. I was stupid, and didn't know anything at all, according to her.

And she was ungrateful. She was very angry when I brought up being compensated. "You don't pay FAMILY!" she hissed at me. Yet whenever I brought up something that one of 3 (out of state, of course!) brothers could do for her, she turned on me and nastily said, "They are busy!" I was told that I was always a nasty person, my time wasn't worth anything, blahblahblah. She would have these "crying/shaking/shaming/blaming" fits. I could just feel a wall go up inside me to protect myself and a switch turn off any caring about her when that happened. I think that might be about where you are right now with your mother.

It was a very quick decline for her, when a gallbladder infection landed her in the hospital for 17 days, then a SNF for rehab, and then at that same SNF (same room, even) for long term care.

I ended up being paid for the time I had to spend with her, from when she stopped driving. One of my POA brothers agreed to it -- $20/hour. It was all a "gift" to me for what I did. She would be very angry if she knew!

And if she was more pleasant and appreciative, perhaps it wouldn't have come to that. But with the money, I treated her as just a job. Our relationship (never wonderful, but not bad) would never recover. But it made me feel less emotional about it all, too -- it was just a job.
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Reply to CTTN55
Stress2020 Apr 23, 2020
I have so, so so much to say. Wow can I relate (not just to your post but many others!). I will respond more when I can. I have two small children awake. We're about to play a game. Hopefully I'll get a free moment to respond at some point...
Go home!

Your mother has two functioning adults in the house with her. She can - and believe me, I am prepared to allow almost *any* latitude to people who are living with cancer - snap her fingers at them.

Just go home. God willing, once you've got your breath back and circumstances have eased up on every front, there will be time for you to reset your approach to your mother, and to the rest of the family too.

Go home. Have a think about where the boundaries should be, and return with them in place.
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Reply to Countrymouse

I don't believe that you should have to stay where there is such discord because your children come first. Yes.. no matter how you mom (parents) have or are treating you, you are to do what is right BUT.. that does not always mean staying there taking care of them. Your dad.... his responsibility. You do what you can but not at the expense of your children. My mom was NOT sick when this happened but.... she was always feeling sorry for herself. She would NOT hold down a job and WE NEVER HAD A MORTGAGE. She could not.. more of "would not", work to support us while we were growing up. She claimed no money coming from dad but I doubt that was true. I noticed my brothers NEVER came back at her about anything. They/ we always seemed to do whatever she wanted. (Brothers held down full time jobs while in junior high and high school) while she did nothing but "party". Anyway.. many years later, oldest brother is married with stepdaughter. My brother told me that mom showed up, sat on the deck, bawling. My brother FINALLY HAD HAD ENOUGH OF THIS. He said he told her that he is married... he has a wife and has a child. He is going to take care of them. He stated no more and went back inside the house. Mom left and there was no more trouble from her to him. BUT... she did this to me the whole time I was in junior high, high school and until she died suddenly several years later. I was 32. I tell ya... I was glad when I heard that she was probably going to die. NOW... what I wish I had done to my mother... I wished I had stood up to her like my brother. I was actually afraid of my mother. She never hit me but I was always afraid of getting yelled at. She used to say to me, quite often, "The only thing you know is what you read out of books". She had accused me of going to bed with one of her boyfriends. I did NOT stand up to her like I should have. THAT is what I suggest you do. You need to set some boundaries. Write them down if you have to. Pray before you start. Many times we enable people to do wrong by OUR choices. And they are going to keep doing WRONG if WE don't do some changing of our actions. After you list your boundaries, firmly but kindly, tell your mother what those are. Stand up for yourself and for her. You need to give her some "tough love". You need to do this as much for her as you do for yourself AND YOUR CHILDREN. GOD bless.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to DonnaF777
Stress2020 Apr 23, 2020
❤️ I have so very much to say, BUT I can't think nor type out my thoughts due to two small children (ages 4 and 6) talking to me now. We're about to play a game and hopefully I will have some quiet time later to think/respond.
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