Mom is almost 103. She has been in assisted living for 5 years and is understandably very unhappy as she has lost her hearing and vision. I have one living sister who refuses to visit or answer Mom's caption calls for over 5 years. She sends Mom a letter about every 3-4 mo. telling her how much she loves her "even if she is not there". Sister's 2 sons are in their 40's and have gone to their grandparents for thousands of dollars and have stolen money from their grandparents (both used to be drug addicts). They also have no contact with their grandmother. My Mom and Dad were very good parents and grandparents who tried to be fair to all their kids. My sister and her husband always feel they are being unfairly criticized. Mom is depressed and harder to deal with but she is still a great Mom. If Mom is crabby my sister and her husband retreated in the past rather than trying to talk with Mom. My sister's family live 45 min. away but even when Mom was living in the same town with them they would not come see her. My Dad died while Mom was hospitalized for gi bleeding and my sister and her family did not visit Mom while she was hospitalized other than to plan Dad's funeral after I asked them to please come for that. My Mom went home alone and I took a short absence from work to help Mom. Before the assisted living I drove 45 min. almost every other day to be there for my Mom. After assisted living I visit Mom every other night at least for more than 3 hrs. I do her laundry, her hair, her nails, her wash, her finances, taxes, etc. and fight all the battles with the assisted living. (which are many). My Mom has lost her son and my brother when he was 19. She grieves the loss of my sister and I have asked the family to repeatedly visit Mom. They are not asked at all to help in any way. I have not asked for frequent visits, just visits occasionally. My Mom needs family encouragement and I am the only one that gives it. It is wearing on me to be the only one who Mom can talk with about her issues as well as the other caregiver duties. My husband thank God is very understanding about the time I devote to my Mom. My husband has his own issues with his adult handicapped son so he can't visit that much. We are 75 and 78 so caregiving is hard on us. I can't bring my Mom to live with me as my older home is not wheelchair friendly. We would also like to travel but 7-8 days out of town is all I can do due to Mom as she is very lonely and isolated with her vision and hearing loss. She tries the best she can to do activities such as bingo but she is almost to the point where she can't. I don't think I will ever have a relationship with my sister again. I think she and her husband as well as their little spawn have thrown my Mom and me under the bus, so to speak. I grieved the loss of my sister after my Dad's death but I don't anymore. I am not even sure I will notify them when Mom dies. I need help with the bitterness and anger I feel. I guess Am I not over everything if I still have these feelings? Letting go is having no feelings about the other person, right? I went through a messy divorce and both my parents helped me. I have helped with my parents for 15 yrs, by myself. I am weary...
If it is important to you to go on a longer vacation, you should. You should be doing the things you and your husband want to do while you both have the health and mobility to do them. There are no do overs in life.
If your mom is the good mother you say she is, she will tell you to have a good time.
Letting go doesn’t mean having no feelings. It means not letting the feelings control you or consume your daily life.
Now, reevaluate your own relationship and needs. Why, at your age, are you doing your mother's laundry, hair, nails, and wash? Doesn't her assisted living facility offer those services? Why do you have "many battles" with the assisted living? Maybe you should look into a facility with a better quality of care, to lessen the demands on yourself.
You do need to take care of yourself, and to find some rest and enjoyment in your life. Cut back on either the frequency or the length of the visits with your mom. Do the traveling with your husband, before one or both of you becomes disabled or deceased. You won't get this time back.
Being angry takes energy you need for other things. Let it go. Believe me, a weight will be taken off your shoulders.
For whatever reason, she’s not interested or not available to do the things you do for your mom. You need to concern yourself with your life rather than being consumed with hers. And while I understand you have some hard feelings about your nephews former drug addictions and taking money from your parents, if you called my children “little spawn” I wouldn’t want to talk with you either.
Chances are these wounds are not going to heal. It would take apologies on both sides that are too difficult. You are probably better off treating yourself as an ‘only child’. Remember that as an only child you are not alone. Think about how other only children handle the situation. Look after yourself, as well as your mother.
I suggest you go on a 2 week vacation with your husband. Mom is in good hands in AL and she'll be fine. When my mother was in AL, my husband and I took trips for up to 3 weeks to Europe and Africa. You, and we, deserved the time off after many years of being the only ones to care for our parents. The whole purpose of AL is to be able to do that w/o worry. Now, before disease kicks in or a debilitating situation which prevents you from doing so.
Lastly, you're doing what you are for your mother because you want to, regardless of anyone else's involvement or lack of involvement with her. If you cannot let the anger and resentment towards your siblings go, speak to a therapist who can help you learn how to.
Btw, I understand Burn out, being tired, disgusted with shameful behavior from other family members, all of it, after being the only child to 2 parents who lived to 91 and 95. I had to let it all go, though, or further risk my already compromised health.
Best of luck to you.
Anger really is a choice. The very saddest thing about it is that it does nothing to change those we are angry AT, but it does great self harm, eating us up from the inside out.
Do seek help. You deserve that. I would suggest a good cognitive therapist; they can be a great help at changing habitual ways we travel our own well-worn roads. "Talk therapy" won't work here. You have talked about all these family dynamics and entire lifetime by this point.
It is time to stop trying to change things, to stop trying to understand things; it is time to let them go, and do things that bring you great joy. For me that is reading, gardening, walking, fostering dog, cooking, sewing kimonos. And I am thrilled I can do those things still in my 80s. And to live a companionable life with my partner. You will find your own joys, and those things that bring you the Zen of peace.
Time is short. Look upon the beauty. The bad things are there and will sneak in. Sweep them back out the door as soon as you can.
I surely do wish you the best.
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