Lov, I read your profile, which says you gave up your career to care for your mother.
Well, now.
What is your life plan, going forward. Are you wealthy enough on your own to retire? Do you have enough SS credits to fund a long retirement? How are you paying for your healthcare?
My point is that unless your mother has the funds at her disposal to pay you a living wage, withhold taxes, FICA, etc, you seem to be making a short-sighted and wrong-headed decision here.
1. What sort of care does mom need? 2. What are her resources? 3. What are the choices for in home and facility care in her area? 4. What public benefits can she tap into?
In your shoes, I would start out with the local Area Agency on Aging and get mom a needs assessment and help her arrange for her care. Then I would get back to being gainfully employed.
Lov3, I just can't see any win/win situations so far...
Living with them at their place cannot work for you.
Mom is competent & has agreed to live with you but this will start a family war with Dad.
This puts your Mom is an awful position of choosing her child vs spouse.
I think if I was your Mom I would really like someone to talk to about my future. If I was someone of faith, someone from that connextion, or an impartial family mediator.
I have met these stubborn my way rules big shot types & I certainly understand you wanting to advocate for your Mom.
Is Dad wanting to pay for services to help your Mom at home? I hate to ask, but is it personal with him, like, he wants her to have Aides but not you?
Or does he suffers lack of insight that she needs help?
It's absolutely personal and I also feel he is suffering lack of insight and ability to conceptualize. Thing is, my hands are tied.
Mom is competent yet not capable of many things, and that's exhausting to manage and defend non top of caregiving.
Mom & I have since moved out and now share a lease except as wonderful of a move as it may be for her, it's truly put me in a compromising position.
He's not paying me (though she recently has made slow but steady changes to gain her financial independence) but I feel as if I'm being held captive. We can't secure home care (albiey shortage or my effort to continue searching is spent). I need respite, I need to get back to work and get care in the home but without help, I'm trapped.
We don't qualify for all the programs funded by state and federal agencies due to her income but I have no income and my savings is dwindling. The answer can't depend on mom and must depend on me but I can't create help where there isn't any.
Im at a loss on how to move forward. Does anyone know of any in home respite care available for caregivers (non finance based)? How risky is private pay? Does LTC help search for availability? I'm running out of steam and need someone to do some legwork.
Her independence will take time to work it's self out but without help in the home, I'm not going to be able to see it through because my future is important too.
I suppose we all want to be in control of our own lives...
For some personalities, any loss of control is a pill too bitter to swallow, they fight till the end.
So if becomes (or is already!) a grumpy old man who can't bathe, refuses Doctors, eats poorly, becomes a drinker, mixes up his meds etc, you know he wanted it that way. (A friend's FIL is living this life now... while the family can do little but watch & wait).
But if he is stopping your Mother from receicing care that she wants - that's a different matter altogether. Cancelling, obstructing, ignoring health concerns can fall into neglect territory.
Thank you ~ He's refusing to recognize the financial power of attorney and hiring an attorney to take it back. Creating stories to try to hurt me, to make me look like a bad person. Mom wants to live with me, to allow me to care for her, he says no. He wants me to take care of her in their house or don't take care of her at all. He wants to control me like I'm still a child because he's controlled his wife for 50+ years and in essence. Mom appointing me POA, has stopped him in his tracks. No one can tell my father what to do or how to manage the money, let alone a piece of paper. Especially not his daughter.
The only option I see is fighting him in court; his lies, his manipulation, his stonewalling, his smear campaigns, his gaslighting, etc. He will never stop fighting until he gets what he wants; his power back AND he will fight at whatever cost; lying under oath, neglecting moms care, attempting to portray me into someone I'm not; losing any chance of a future or family of my own, fighting for something I have no interest in = Money. It's all he lives for.
Thank you ~ I would love to get her moved but I don't have the money to do it. He refuses to disclose her finances with me so it's only what I can manage to collect myself, when I get to the mailbox before him. The doctors 100% agree but again, it comes to money. He won't leave and I don't have living arrangements that can accommodate mom. I hesitate on an attorney because it will cost $ that should be going to her care. He's lost sight of all rational faculties due to his need to fuel their his self importance. It's truly disturbing. He will even admit that she needs my care but his need for control won't allow him to 'let go'.
You can try to set up informed delivery with the post office so you can see what business letters or packages are coming in.
They will send a confirmation letter to the address, so you will want to beat him to the mailbox on that day. It will say her name "or current resident" so it may look like junk mail.
Even if he gets to the box before you on a given day, you can see the return addresses on bills and statements and follow up with the POA.
Well first of all. Good that you have the POA. My cousin did not have POA for her mom until her dad was declared incompetent himself. Cousin was listed second behind dad. He was so controlling and if cousin wasn’t careful, he would ask her to leave and her mom really needed cousins care. If mom is incompetent and dad won’t allow you to care for her, you may have to get her moved. Talk to her doctor to see if he agrees that your mom needs more care. A lawyer might be the next step. I know this is very difficult from every aspect. My cousin had to just wait it out. Very stressful. You might get better suggestions if you give a bit more information.
Well, now.
What is your life plan, going forward. Are you wealthy enough on your own to retire? Do you have enough SS credits to fund a long retirement? How are you paying for your healthcare?
My point is that unless your mother has the funds at her disposal to pay you a living wage, withhold taxes, FICA, etc, you seem to be making a short-sighted and wrong-headed decision here.
1. What sort of care does mom need?
2. What are her resources?
3. What are the choices for in home and facility care in her area?
4. What public benefits can she tap into?
In your shoes, I would start out with the local Area Agency on Aging and get mom a needs assessment and help her arrange for her care. Then I would get back to being gainfully employed.
Living with them at their place cannot work for you.
Mom is competent & has agreed to live with you but this will start a family war with Dad.
This puts your Mom is an awful position of choosing her child vs spouse.
I think if I was your Mom I would really like someone to talk to about my future. If I was someone of faith, someone from that connextion, or an impartial family mediator.
I have met these stubborn my way rules big shot types & I certainly understand you wanting to advocate for your Mom.
Is Dad wanting to pay for services to help your Mom at home? I hate to ask, but is it personal with him, like, he wants her to have Aides but not you?
Or does he suffers lack of insight that she needs help?
Mom is competent yet not capable of many things, and that's exhausting to manage and defend non top of caregiving.
Mom & I have since moved out and now share a lease except as wonderful of a move as it may be for her, it's truly put me in a compromising position.
He's not paying me (though she recently has made slow but steady changes to gain her financial independence) but I feel as if I'm being held captive. We can't secure home care (albiey shortage or my effort to continue searching is spent). I need respite, I need to get back to work and get care in the home but without help, I'm trapped.
We don't qualify for all the programs funded by state and federal agencies due to her income but I have no income and my savings is dwindling. The answer can't depend on mom and must depend on me but I can't create help where there isn't any.
Im at a loss on how to move forward. Does anyone know of any in home respite care available for caregivers (non finance based)? How risky is private pay? Does LTC help search for availability? I'm running out of steam and need someone to do some legwork.
Her independence will take time to work it's self out but without help in the home, I'm not going to be able to see it through because my future is important too.
For some personalities, any loss of control is a pill too bitter to swallow, they fight till the end.
So if becomes (or is already!)
a grumpy old man who can't bathe, refuses Doctors, eats poorly, becomes a drinker, mixes up his meds etc, you know he wanted it that way. (A friend's FIL is living this life now... while the family can do little but watch & wait).
But if he is stopping your Mother from receicing care that she wants - that's a different matter altogether. Cancelling, obstructing, ignoring health concerns can fall into neglect territory.
What is he stopping you from doing?
The only option I see is fighting him in court; his lies, his manipulation, his stonewalling, his smear campaigns, his gaslighting, etc. He will never stop fighting until he gets what he wants; his power back AND he will fight at whatever cost; lying under oath, neglecting moms care, attempting to portray me into someone I'm not; losing any chance of a future or family of my own, fighting for something I have no interest in = Money. It's all he lives for.
They will send a confirmation letter to the address, so you will want to beat him to the mailbox on that day. It will say her name "or current resident" so it may look like junk mail.
Even if he gets to the box before you on a given day, you can see the return addresses on bills and statements and follow up with the POA.
Cohabitate? Does this mean you are living with both of them?
Unwilling to accept your POA? Does this mean he does not let you properly care for your mother?
POA since October 2020 and caring for mom since December 2019
If mom is incompetent and dad won’t allow you to care for her, you may have to get her moved. Talk to her doctor to see if he agrees that your mom needs more care. A lawyer might be the next step.
I know this is very difficult from every aspect. My cousin had to just wait it out. Very stressful.
You might get better suggestions if you give a bit more information.