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I can't leave her because her care would end up in my daughter's lap and ruin her life. I hate every day of my life.

I just read your profile. You say that your wife has Alzheimer’s disease and that you are her caregiver for 20 hours a day.

You say that you are exhausted but you don’t want your daughter to care for her.

You claim that your wife is too stable for a nursing home or assisted living.

I don’t understand your feelings.

Please speak to a social worker to explain to you about the purpose of an assisted living facility or a nursing home.

Leave your daughter out of the equation. This is your responsibility to find the appropriate care for your wife and rest for yourself. You can’t continue to run on fumes.

I wish you all the best.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Have you ever considered that your wife doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone, especially you?

If I were in the position of causing my husband to care for me 20 hours of the day, I would rather that my husband make arrangements for an assisted living facility or nursing home.

You can still be a part of her life. You can advocate for her well-being.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Harpcat Mar 7, 2021
This is a very wise and heart felt reply
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Her stability has nothing to do with it-it's the amount of care that she needs throughout the day. Even small repetitive things add up when you have to constantly do them. If her need for care has reached a point where it is overwhelming you or will ruin your daughter's life too, then it's time for some assistance or assisted living.
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Reply to ElizabethY
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You can't leave her? You need to find memory care for her. That is not leaving her it is getting her the care she needs. Then you can visit as a husband, when you are ready and want to. Finding the care she needs is the most loving and responsible thing you can do.
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Reply to gladimhere
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If you hate every day of your life, then, I am sorry, but your wife needs to go into care.Truly, I am so sorry. You need to have an honest sit down with your daughter now. This is not her decision, it is yours.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I'm confused as to WHY your daughter would even be involved if you needed to move your wife to a memory care facility? If my DH ever had to do that for me, not one of our kids would 'fight him' on it, nor would they want me to come live with them

If you are 'hands on' caregiving for 20 hrs a day, then your wife is NOT ok to be living alone with you, w/o help.

You can hire aides, so minimally, you get some kind of break. Or you can move your wife to a MC facility, where they are much more used to/capable of giving care.

You really don't want to become one of the statistics that says that a large percentage of CG's die BEFORE the person for whom they are caring.

Good Luck to you--
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Reply to Midkid58
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When you say your wife is stable, does that mean that she has not been declared incompetent?

I know that every state is different but I have seen on this forum there are at least several states (including mine- Florida) that require a JUDGE to declare incompetence in order to move a person against their wishes, even if the person has a legit diagnosis of dementia. The person with dementia is assigned their own lawyer. Therapeutic fibs would be illegal here!

So, it's not always possible to just place someone into care who doesn't want to go.

If OP comes back I hope he will provide more specifics. He might benefit from some care tips now, IF placement can not legally happen at this time.

I'm sorry OP, dementia really sucks. I want to tell you though I really give you credit for thinking of your daughter and her life. I hope your circumstances are such that you can arrange a good care facility for your wife. You matter too and you deserve to live your life.
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Reply to ExhaustedPiper
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disgustedtoo Mar 7, 2021
I'm not a lawyer and know nothing about FL, but is that just someone's interpretation? I ask because I know that everyone, including those with dementia, have rights and can't be "forced" to do anything they refuse to do, including move, but...

We tried the in-home help. She refused to let them in.
We tried asking about moving, to bros or AL. Nope.
The EC atty told me we couldn't force her to move. Well of course not, you're not going to take your mother or other LO kicking and screaming!
So, he tells me we have to go guardianship, aka court, judge, more lawyers, etc. Money and time to get that all done!
The facility chosen for her would NOT accept a committal. So no court.
The facility told me "just get her here, we'll take it from there."

NOTE: we did NOT have any formal testing done and no doctor ever "declared" her incompetent. She wasn't competent, but we didn't need that to make the move happen. We had to come up with a plausible fib so that she would go, grumbling, unhappy, but she went.

Again, I'm NOT a lawyer. If someone with dementia still has the wherewithal to dispute anything you say and still refuse to go, it may be the only way to get it done, but I would question whether guardianship is "always" needed, no matter what state. The lawyer is more likely to say it is needed, because that's some nice chunk of change for him and another attorney! There must be a place one can confirm this, outside of an attorney, who might bend the law a bit (note, this same atty told me to deposit the checks for mom in her acct and not tell the bank she is deceased! WRONG! I've opened an e-file with the courts to process the checks.)
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Let your daughter help you find a memory care place for your wife. She'll do much better in memory care than assisted living, and you'll be freed up to just love her rather than be burdened by her.

"Nursing homes" aren't only for "nursing" anymore. They're communities with wonderful people to help your loved one, and they can take people who are perfectly healthy to people who need help with everything from bathing, toileting, eating, taking medications, and everything else.

Please don't try to do it all alone. Your daughter can help and should be allowed to.

Also use the Alzheimer's website as a resource -- alz.com
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Reply to MJ1929
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What does 'too stable' to go into assisted living mean??? My mother was walking, talking, eating, toileting herself, showering herself, and otherwise perfectly fine when she went into Assisted Living back in 2014 with my father. She was suffering from neuropathy and no longer able to live alone or manage an apartment by herself; ie: cooking, cleaning, etc. Are you under the impression your wife has to be totally 'unstable' to 'qualify' for Assisted Living? Dementia ALONE is one gigantic reason to place her in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence and if your life is being ruined caring for her, she's obviously more than ready for managed care.

Look into Memory Care right away and learn all you can about what it's all about before you make assumptions.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Put your own oxygen on now.

Reaching out for help is the first step. Looking the situation in the eye & acknowledging the truth of it: your wife's care is more than one man can do. It so often becomes a one man show, the lone caregiver. Now time to recruit your team, before you mentally & physically exhaust yourself (as that will help no-one 😞).

Two choices I see;

A. More care at home:
? volunteers, ? daughter, most probably paid aides

B. Wife moves to where care is provided. Maybe AL or maybe Memory Care. Aging Services & professional trained in this area can be consulted to locate the right fit.

Could consider tryng A. first? At least until more people are vaccinated & the Covid risk lessons. Then consider moving to B.

Also, have a good honest chat to your daughter. Building a support team for YOU is so important too.
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Reply to Beatty
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 8, 2021
Wonderful response! I love how you described step by step what can be done to help.

We need to be reminded of these things.

So often we place ourselves last during caregiving, thinking that we are doing what is best.

In reality, we are not doing what is best.
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