My dad was just diagnosed with late onset (moderate) Alzheimer’s. My sister and I can never get in touch with him and are really upset and frustrated. He is 91 yrs and as is his wife. They live in independent living but he is not independent and should be in memory care. She is going thru immunotherapy and has a home health care person come once a week to give her a bath. Dad has 24/7 home health care and she picks up their meals (we know they need to move to AL but they refuse). Lately, we have called dad for 3 weeks, every other day, and it goes straight to vm. We text his wife to please help dad with his phone (it’s always right next to him). She always makes excuses: he’s lying down, they’re getting ready to eat, he doesn’t want to talk, etc. The past 2 times my sis and I went over there, his volume was turned off and his phone was on silent. Wife says she does that at night because a past caregiver told her she should so they don’t get calls. I told her solicitors don’t call at night and I set his phone to do not disturb from 9pm-9 am. I told her she didn’t need to turn off the volume or put it on silent anymore. Well, she’s still doing it, but her phone always works. We feel that she’s isolating him. There a slight chance dads doing this but we don’t think so. He was surprised when we told him we’d been trying to get in touch w him for 3 weeks. He doesn’t really talk to anyone on the phone except us or her when she’s gone. I’m going over there soon (I do not live close and sis is 4hrs away), and I know she’ll say he’s doing it and of course he will say he doesn’t know. Any suggestions?
They do lose ability to use a phone, a remote control, a watch, an alarm clock, a shaver, etc. etc. Sometimes they mix them up, such as trying to use the phone to change the TV channel. I wouldn't worry only about the phone. When you're visiting, check whether he is using other things - or not. It also may be a problem with his wife, who is making excuses for him because SHE no longer understands all the things that you presume she can do. People at age 91 can snowball downhill very fast.
Your fact-finding trip will be interesting. I suspect that you will find out a lot that you didn't realize before being around them for a longer period of time.
When you go there, you need a plan. You should plan to stay more than a day. In fact, staying a weekend and into a few weekdays would be advisable. This is so that if you find a wholly untenable situation, you may need to call professionals (like an elder law attorney), doctors, banks, social services, etc, and you can't do this on the weekends or evenings.
If you are not your Dad's PoA then you currently have to power in this situation. If his wife is his PoA, then ditto (unless you are a secondary PoA). If your Dad does have a PoA then this person needs to read the document to see what activates the authority (unless it is durable then the powers are active the moment the document was signed).
Does his wife have adult children from a prior marriage? If so, do you have any way to contact them? Do you have any relationship with them at all? I'd get them into the loop to help.
How long have they been married? If not long and she has other kids, then it is often the case they usual "reclaim" their parent from the brief spouse. It happens a lot in later marriages.
Don't go without a plan. Know who has authority. Know if you or anyone else has current authority. See how much disarray they are living in, or unsafe conditions. You may be able to switch your Dad to a RAZ mobility phone where YOU control everything from an app on your mobile but they don't at least plug it in to charge it, it's pointless. Make sure you know where all their important paperwork is. Maybe set up mobile banking and medical portals and bill pay if they don't already have this.
This trip is a fact-finding mission. Don't waste any time making plans until you've surveyed the situation. I wish you success in getting them both appropriate and sustainable care.
Wife does have 6 children but only 1 talks to her and she’s a handful. She’s sued 3 companies that we know of for “falling”. My dads wife told us when they got married she didn’t want her daughter and dad’s family to have any contact.
We have spoken to an elder attorney before regarding another issue, just not sure about this gray area w the wife and when dad’s family should/can legally take over his care. His care is ok for now and he’s comfortable but it’s costing an astronomical amount of money, which he did save for. Unless wife has spent his money or moved it to her accounts (against the trust), dad can continue paying this for about 3-4 years. There’s concern about what happens after that.
I’m off topic, but wanted to explain. We just want for his phone to be on and not silenced either
Try not to get frustrated over a situation you cannot control. Let them drive their bus. I know it is easier said than done. Believe me when something happens, you will know.
Don’t call. Go visit for a few hours once a week and leave it at that.