Frustrated daughter. Why do I feel guilty?

Believe me when I tell you that the title of being family, or even the supposedly more sacred one of being a mother, does not excuse any family member from rude behavior. Your walking away, as severe and drastic as it may sound, is the right call for all parties concerned, and you saying it makes you feel guilty just shows your good nature. If not appreciated, a little distance is a sound move. Respect earns respect, and unless we are talking of a basket case with zero ability to recognize what is going on, if you don’t feel welcome, take a long walk and commence to get along with your fine self again. Guilt is capable to hunt a person all the way to the grave, I urge you to not let that happen to you. God Bless You and best luck in everything!

Because you were brought up to........However you are an adult now and you do not have to have guilt or feelings of guilt because you behave in an adult manner and that includes not having her rant at your son in a despicable way. You need to forgive her for your own health or it will eat away at you - but you do not need to forget. She is old, housebound, possibly bored and no doubt frustrated so forgive her rant but if for your health and that of your son, because being put in the position he was is unacceptable, you need to walk away then do it. You can make phone calls or drop in visits but as soon as it becomes unpleasant leave, or hang up, tell her you do not have to be spoken to in that way, and the choice is hers civility or no communication. She'll either come round or not either way its her choice and you should feel no guilt about her making choices.

If mom is suffering from some kind of dementia they tend to exhibit abusive vocabulary in certain instances. It is very hard for those of us who are receiving the meltdown. Don't take it personally, but do take care of yourself and son. You need to step away and forgive her no matter how hard as she isn't of sound mind. You most likely will never forget, but that is OK. My dad had me in a choke hold during one of his episodes. I forgave him, but realized at that point he was too much for me to handle and placed him in a 24/7 care facility or someone with dementia which was better equipped to take care if him. Never feel bad about doing what you know is absolutely the best for your parent. Many of us on this site were raised and have felt that we owe our parents as they took care of us growing up. This guilt seems to build up when it doesn't work out when we try to care for them as a form on respect. Placing a parent in a care facility shows you do live them as they have people in their own age group, activities to participate in preventing them from feeling isolated etc. Mom may get mad for a while, but that too is normal just remember this is about getting her care she deserves and gives you and your son a healthy environment without stressful living environment. Take care, do your research before placing mom in a care facility.

Maybe you were caring for her to set a good example for your son, but instead, he is watching you get hurt by her. You don’t want him to grow up and think it’s okay for people to treat him like that.

if your son is already a grown man, setting a good example is still relevant.

Take care of yourself. Teach him to take care of himself. It’s okay to make the choices that you need to make in life to be happy.

Maybe your mom is acting out because she is not happy either.

The whole goal in life is to be happy and by your own narrative, you are making choices that don’t position you for that opportunity.

As for guilt, generally, . . .
Guilt starts and ends with you. It is a self-harming emotion that we impose upon ourselves.

Own your selections, your thoughts, words and actions. Right or wrong, support yourself, end of story. Most of the what we do involves our own choice, so once you make the decision, move forward, move ahead and don’t dwell backwards. There is too much to do in life to get mired down and stuck in “ what ifs.” We all make mistakes and when you make one, acknowledge for a brief moment that you made a mistake, apologize to someone if need be - and then move forward- you are human and it is over.

Choose to be kind and protective to yourself instead. When you recognize you are starting to feel guilt, stop abruptly. Change the circumstances so that guilt can’t creep farther in to your psyche. How should you do that? What rewards do you give yourself? A walk, a call with a friend, a new blouse, an ice cream cone, reading news on your cell phone, an indulgent TV show, time playing with the dog? An extra hot shower, walk in the park, moisturizing foot lotion just because. Make your favorite dinner instead of asking others, use your best perfume for no reason, change into your soft pajamas early - this gesture can be large or small, it can cost money or be free. The important thing is that you get yourself away from that guilt that you are inflicting on yourself and be nice to yourself until the situation and threat of guilt passes. Look at this as a “retraining” or happiness exercise.

If someone was bullying your son, you would use all your powers to make the abuse stop. So use that same philosophy to protect yourself from your cruel pointless self torture.

I get called selfish too. I would feel this way if your mother treated you like that. I think the guilt is coming from the fact that you want to be with her more but at the same time she's mad that she has to be confined to her home instead of being out and about. I think she's just not good for you to be around all the time. I think she is also losing her filter when it comes to speech and it could also be a symptom of dementia too. I thought I would put that out there.