Hi,
My father passed away suddenly in December. My mom has had her leg amputated and now has had multiple surgeries on her remaining foot to remove infected toes. She has diabetes, and has been in denial for awhile.
I am the youngest sibling, and the only one with a child still in the home. Before my dad died, he had always told me it would be my responsibility to take care of my mom once he passed. Since she has an absolute disregard for taking care of herself, I thought she would be the first to pass.
I had been in a relationship for 11 years where I took care of my partner's mom. She had Alzheimer's. My daughter and I were both caregivers, and due to the abuse from my ex, we left.
Now we are in a happy home, I have an amazing fiance, and I am going to school for my Master's degree in Special Education.
The problem is, no one wants to be around my mom. My siblings won't have anything to do with her. I had to move her from her home in California to my home in Portland, Oregon because she had no way of taking care of herself. She has been living with us for almost 8 months now, and I am at a point where everything seems hopeless.
My daughter has severe anxiety, which wasn't helped by the COVID pandemic. We got her a dog, which has been her dream for years. Now all I hear from my mom is what he's done wrong, what he chews on, and she has been physically abusive to the dog.
I have spoken with her, and told her that she needs counseling. But, like everything else, it's my fault. She smokes, eats a 5 gallon jar of pretzels a week, and doesn't monitor her diet at all.
I am not diabetic, but am at risk so I have completely changed my diet. I test my blood sugar 3 times a day. I have cut out all sugar, flour, and unhealthy carbs. I know what she needs to do, but I was not going to ask her to do anything I was unwilling to do myself. She gets angry when I don't indulge her by driving her to Wendy's for a Frosty.
She said to me that I act like she cut her leg off on purpose, in order to ruin my life. She is constantly angry, constantly yelling, and is angry anytime my husband and I go on a date or want to take our daughter to go do something without her (which now never happens, after the first blow up). After a decade of caregiving with my ex's mom, I am fed up. And I feel guilty for feeling so fed up. My sister lives 15 minutes away, has a large house, and works in the medical field. The only thing she does is occasionally takes her to dr appointments. The only thing my mom does is read, eat, and butt in.
I feel guilty for not wanting her in my home anymore. I feel like I am a bad daughter. But, I feel like a worse mom. Every time my mom yells, gets angry, or complains, my daughter tenses up. It triggers her. It does the same for me, too. I've had to start taking anxiety medication in order to function.
Every weekend she gets up early so she can go wherever my fiance and I go. Last weekend we ran to Home Depot while everyone was sleeping. I got a text 30 minutes in asking where I went. When I told her and then asked why, she said I was being rude. I'm 43. We were gone for 45 minutes.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm breaking again. My sister told me to take her back to California and leave her there, but she can not drive and her house is 20 miles from the nearest town. It wouldn't be humane. I know I can't force my siblings to help, but I'm so angry that they act like it's only my problem. And I'm angry that I was a caregiver so long, and when my daughter and I are finally happy and healthy, I have this to deal with again.
She says she doesn't care if she lives, and that she's sick of having someone watch everything she puts in her mouth. She buys candy, croissants, and potato chips, and has 2 salt shakers sitting by her recliner. Kinda hard not to notice. I don't say anything anymore. I don't have it in me to fight.
Anyone else going through the same thing? Advice?
"Before my dad died, he had always told me it would be my responsibility to take care of my mom once he passed."
And *you* replied: "Sorry, Pops! - I can't quite go along with you there"?
Sadly, no. It seems you chose to agree with him. And now here you are.
Your mother is not someone you want in the house with your daughter. Your daughter takes priority. Your mother has made her own decisions and although, of course, she did not get her leg cut off on purpose to ruin your life she most certainly did make a long chain of decisions which make her responsible for her own condition. She "decided", if you like, to allow her leg to be cut off and ruin her own life, and she continues to be wilfully neglectful of her own wellbeing.
And here's the crunch. The sacrifices you are making yourself, and which impact on your daughter's life too, *are* *not* *helping* your mother. If they resulted in some benefit to your mother there might be some recompense for what you're doing, if not amounting to an actual argument in favour of it; but they don't. Your mother continues to deteriorate. You are setting yourself and to an extent your daughter on fire and it's not even keeping mother warm.
You can't take care of your mother. You can't give her what she needs. And meanwhile you and your daughter are suffering in the attempt. If you can't square up to this for yourself, can you for your kid?
I'm not underestimating how hard it will be for you, because it involves being frank and hard-headed with your mother in a way I suspect you have never even attempted. Yes?
It's so hard being a daughter and being told it's your responsibility. It's not. Your mom is making things more difficult and doesn't even see what a huge sacrifice you are making.
Like you, I felt abandoned by my siblings. I tried so hard to do the right thing but it took a toll on me mentally. I should have said no a long time ago. But the people pleaser in me didn't know how.
I hope you will find a social worker that will help you get your mom into long term care. She needs it. She has no right to make you feel like this in your own home.
I wish I did this myself before the anger and resentment took over.
Thinking of you.
Congrats on leaving a toxic relationship! I am glad that you are in a happier relationship now.
Obviously, none of you deserve to be mistreated, not you, your fiancé, your daughter or your daughter’s dog. Not all elderly people appreciate dogs. Your daughter certainly deserves to have a dog to enjoy.
You realize that if your mom wasn’t living in your home, you could have a peaceful home, free from the chaos that she creates with her behavior.
I understand that your mom needs help. You do not have to be the one to provide the ‘hands on’ care. I know how hard it is. I cared for my mom. It gets harder with each passing day. Don’t rely on siblings. They aren’t always interested in sharing the responsibilities. If the truth be told, even though it would be nice to receive help from siblings, she is their mom too, but they aren’t obligated to help. They are leading their lives, just like you can after you find a solution to your situation.
I doubt at this point, that you or anyone else can change your mom’s long time behavior. She is set in her ways. Sadly, she has paid a high price for her bad habits. I am sorry that she is suffering. I know that you don’t like seeing your mom suffer. It’s difficult to watch our parent’s health deteriorate.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? See what services they can offer. Also, ask your mom’s doctor for a contact number for a social worker. They can speak to you about elder care as well.
What is she planning to do with her home?
Decide what you want in your life for you, your daughter and your fiancé. Speak to your mom about your plan. Your mom has a couple of choices, go into a facility, which the best option, in my opinion. If she doesn’t approve of that option, she will have to find other living arrangements and hire help from an agency or hire a caregiver that works independently.
Speak to a therapist if you are struggling with your emotions regarding this matter. Wishing you and your family all the best.
So I shall stir the pot & take the other side! (this is what a therapist told me is 'confrontational statements' or something similar). Ready?
This is YOUR Mom. YOU need to look after her. DO everything for her. Make her eat better, exercise, fix her old age problems. Basically FIX all her problems. Right?
Get your blood boiling? Sure did when this was said to me!! 😡
Then throw in: You MUST obey your Dad - must obey his instructions to take on responsibility for your Mom.
But break it down. What does responsibility mean?
Definition: having a duty to deal with something.
Does it mean proving her housing? Taking on responsability for her lifestyle choices? (diet, exercise, medical non-complience)
Strumb, what do you answer to these bold statements? CAPS ON yelling back at me is OK 😉 get it off your chest!
There is literally no shame in finding a safe caregiving facility or arrangement for your mother where she is well cared for and you get to be JUST her daughter. And your daughter gets to be just her granddaughter. And you can dedicate the time you want to her, to your daughter, to your husband and to yourself!
I have watched my SIL's physical and mental health deteriorate over the last 5 years after she began caregiving for my FIL. All of us have helped where we could but the rest of us have full time jobs and she and her DH live there and she does not work outside of the home so the bulk fell on her unfortunately. We have been begging them to get to the point where they were ready to move out so that he would agree to go to skilled nursing because he will not go as long as they are living in his home and are there to provide his care "for free". But there are tons of stories of caregivers getting sick and not being able to care for the one they have been taking care of because caregiving has ruined their health and then you've got TWO people who need someone to take care of them.
You deserve the opportunity to take a deep breath and consider your options outside of this being the only path. Taking care of your mother can come in so many different forms!!! Give yourself the chance to explore those too!!
This. ⭐⭐⭐
The obligation your father imposed upon you regarding her care was not a legitimate request. It was actually alive of the cruelest kind. It may have been caused by his illness, his fears or his own guilt, but whatever, it was unreasonable and unfair.
The advice that will solve your problem is to stop “obeying” her, ignore her attempts to own you, fin her a suitable community to live in, and walk away.
Difficult yes, but at 43, you deserve a life. You have attempted to help her develop a better life in the past, and she has chosen not to take your help. Her toxic life style is a danger to you, your daughter, and your marriage.
The life you are leading is unfair and far out of balance. Please reclaim the life you deserve. No one is entitled to use another human being as this sick, tragically damaged woman has used you.
Enjoy your free, new life as soon as you can begin it. You certainly deserve it.
If her house is worth something, have her sell it and place her in an assisted living.