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Please get some counseling. This is not healthy for you. I’ve felt that way too, and had to cut back a lot on how much I would do for my mom. I needed a professional’s advice each step of the way.
If anyone is “sucking the life out of you”, you need to get away. Just because a parent gave birth to us, that does not mean that we owe our life to him or her. Parents chose to give birth. Not so with grown children.
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Patathome01 Aug 24, 2020
Hi, Nancymc:
I was in a similar extreme caregiving situation with my feisty mother back in 2012-2013 AND UNEMPLOYED AT AGE 56. THANK GOD I had some family to help my Mom into assisted living so I could get myself professionally diagnosed for my anxiety, see my doctor for my situation and get Trazadone meds to relax me, allowing me to seek new work.
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Karen, I've been there. I did go for anxiety meds (in small and judicious doses). They allowed me to continue with the physically and emotionally exhausting business of being a 65 y/o primary caretaker. I am completely dependable and competent in my role. These (caretaking full-time) times ain't normal times or circumstances. the 'shoulds' and 'should-nots' about anti-anxiety meds are just plaint Victorian and opinions of 'should not', in my own very personal experience, expressed by folks who couldn't imagine in their wildest dreams what it's like. My occasional, judicious use of my prescription keeps the balance within manageability. I'm resisting itemizing the long list of extraordinary things I've accomplished physically and emotionally. Seeking, taking anything that can SUPPORT us through this physically and emotionally time is NOT necessarily weak--it is purely practical. The poster who said that these prescriptions are for 'the weak'--well, I'd LOVE to know the details of their own personal circumstances. I was 100% alone, physically and emotionally, and they helped me and my mom do what we both needed to do. Total rambling, because there's SO much in this topic that brings up so many things ...
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sunshinelife Aug 23, 2020
you are not weak...but in fact very strong. It wasn't the medications that helped you, it was your own spirit of goodness and determination. And, probably the Angels that surround us when we reach to help another unconditionally.
All medications have side effects which destroy our health...some more slowly than others
When you are ready, check out ashwaghanda powder & Moringa powder...These are very rich in nutrition, build ongoing strength & steadiness of the nerves & blood. And have no side effects. And many side benefits.
Keep smiling, the river of life is constantly moving, and we with it
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You have to do what makes you feel better and more able to cope. I haven’t ever taken anti anxiety meds but I wouldn’t be against it if my methods of coping fail. I do yoga, ride my bike, shop online and treat myself to something nice (at my mother’s expense), and have a glass of wine while making dinner. I read a lot and try to do what makes me feel good. I tell her I have to go ....now when she really gets on my nerves. On days when days nothing works, I just tell myself that tomorrow is another day.
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I take a 1/2 Ativan once in awhile when I need it, it really helps me and my Dr suggested it when she found out my parents were moving in. I am not addicted,, only take it when I need it. It must depend on the person, Alvadeer.
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AlvaDeer Aug 20, 2020
I think I was short with my answer because the question was so short, Pam. I am known as the 10 valium a year girl by my doctor, who swears she wouldn't give a senior like me valiums. But in a really bad time on a really bad day, that 1/2 of a 5 mg valium kept me unstuck from the ceiling with anxiety. I am sorry to be so short today. I think on the forum these days we are seeing so many "questions" that really aren't questions. They are statements without any explanation in the topic line only. I know there are DAY when it is so hard, and we need help. But the above looks more like help for a day. Or two days. Or three. It looks like mental and physical breakdown, and no explanation of why. So I made a short answer. I should apologize. OK. I DO apologize!!!!!!
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I am in a similar situation with my sister who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She "fired" the two agency helpers I had gotten for her without telling me. When I found out I became the most enraged I have ever been and felt my BP soaring. I had a prescription for Zoloft from my doctor but had not started taking it. I immediately started it that day. I was a psych nurse for 38 years and knew I needed something to take the edge off of my moods. It was that day that I decided that I was not going to battle with her any longer and that she would do what she was going to do. The weight off of me was immediate and I was glad that I was able to do this. My BP has gone down and my mood is much better. Giving up control was a great decision. This is not a recommendation for meds necessarily but I plan to continue with them. It takes up to 6 weeks to reach effectiveness but it still makes me feel better.
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Hi, Bobbie, I am new to this forum.
I can so relate to your situation. I have been living fulltime with my mother since covid hit. It has been extremely challenging. After months of extreme anxiety I finally found that taking time every morning to meditate (I particularly like the Calm app) and try to stop and do tapping when I find my 10 year old self responding to her latest accusations has really helped me to keep my anxiety under better control. I also walk away from difficult conversations that I know are not going to go anywhere but downhill and announce, "Oh, gee, it is time for my yoga". I just go in the next room shut the door and put on a youtube yoga video for 10-30 minutes. It makes all the difference and I can sure use the exercise too.

Another strategy that has helped me is that I put on quiet classical music on the TV most of the day. It helps keep my mother in a much more peaceful space and she has fewer episodes of anxiety so is less likely to come at me with more accusations.
I won't say it has been easy. It has been very, very hard because I am dealing with my own PTSD issues, but slowly I have found natural ways to reduce my reactivity to her and take care of myself. I make sure I take time for own activities everyday so I don't let myself become too resentful.
I am sending you my compassion, supportive feelings and hope that something in this helps a bit, even if it's just knowing you are not alone. Do take care. These are tough times.
Mary
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Karen70, I have a PRN (as needed) prescription for a low-dose alprazolam / Xanax. It does work and there is no need to have any guilt or shame to needing something occasionally to help. Of course there are a lot of other techniques to try to help, but am "assuming" you mean beyond that. Do not ever let anyone try to shame you into not taking an anti-anxiety medication.
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I just lost my mother in July, she got pneumonia and went down hill really fast. I was living with her in her home and was her caregiver. I felt many times like you are feeling now. I'm not a medicine kind of person, but being stuck in the house with someone who seems like nothing you do will please them is very challenging. I used to go play pool three times a week for respite and to get my social fix, but the pandemic stopped that. My mom would often do things for attention so when she got sick and started moaning loudly and so forth, I thought she was putting on a show for attention. The day she passed I was shocked and cried harder than I ever have in my life. The grief and guilt I feel now are overwhelming. Yes, she also sucked life out of me and caused health problems. Yes she was horrible to me sometimes. But there are also good memories to hold on to and the weight is off my shoulders now, my job is done. I feel guilty just saying that but it's true. Hang in there, one day your mother will be gone, you will feel relief and grief and guilt but your job will be done. Just take a deep breath, take care of yourself the best you can and get help if you can when things are bad. Big hugs, from someone who's been there.
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My short answer is YES.
I do believe many or most MDs who aren't into or aware of Eastern medicine practices will somewhat easily 'give a pill' to stop xxx, but not all MD are DRUG PUSHERS. You need to assess your own situation. MDs are not gods and most don't even study nutrition in school - or perhaps they do now. We, 'patients' need to take self-responsibility for prescribed meds.

In any case, I believe taking the edge off is important and REMEMBER, you can stop anytime [in a healthy way, perhaps not cold turkey.]
Try something out for a month or a few months and adjust accordingly.

Long ago I decided not to deal with menstral cramps - after years + years of horrible pain. A few years ago, I got on an anti-anxiety, low dose. It was so low that my friend (therapist) said it wasn't even a therapeutic dosage so I upped it a little more. I still have anxiety, but the edge is off and the terror waking up in the mornings is GONE.

There is always a trade off --- with so many side-effects of prescribed meds. I sort of hate taking any myself. I do my best with health practices, i.e. :
1. slow jogging or some outdoor exercise.
2. eat healthy 80% of the time, most of the time.
3. started journal writing - just 5 minutes a day. After two sittings, its already helped.
4. I'd recommend keeping a journal when / if you do start on meds and track how you are feeling, noting differences. In this process, you may become more aware of aspects of you you didn't know before which is a major plus.
5. Include plenty of positive experiences and self-pampering. I watch movies and play scrabble on my phone.

I THANK GOD + the UNIVERSE for anti-anxiety and anti-depressants and pain meds - when I need, I take responsibly. No self-judgment. This is SELF-CARE.
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sunshinelife Aug 23, 2020
this family of drugs are highly addictive. And more difficult to wean off than narcotics.
Coffee enemas and colonics were listed in the Textbook of clinical pharmacology and therapeutics for many years, all the way up to 1977 as a treatment for mental illness...from mild anxiety up to manic depressive disorder.
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Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you take care of your health, else you'll fall faint and ill and be good to no one.
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sunshinelife Aug 23, 2020
"fall faint" oh my, i haven't heard that turn of phrase for a very long time. Lovely Kings english. Thankyou :)
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