I find this very awkward. The two of them split up about 3 1/2 years ago. He says she didn't have symptoms of dementia at the time, although I don't know much about it. I met him at church a few months after my husband died around that same time, and became part of his circle of friends, which included this woman, "Stella." She seemed very sweet and nice, and he didn't tell me for a year that they used to be an item. She was diagnosed about a year ago at the age of 68, and her younger brother moved her into a memory care facility. He chauffeured her around but now is moving to California and has called on my boyfriend (who is 80) to take over driving Stella. For free, of course. He wants to do it, but I find it very awkward, and I imagine she does as well. She still recognizes both of us and the friends, although she can't remember which handbag is hers or how many bedrooms are in her apartment. Am I being too selfish to see this as an imposition? My bf is saying that he may not be able to take a trip we had planned (mainly at my expense as he has very little) because he is "on call" for Stella.
This "gentleman friend" sounds like a leech.
I have been far too involved before with a man who counted on my financiers to his use. Yep..out of there.
If you agree to continue to be use doormat, bank, etc. the "needs" will continue to be imposed on you.
Get out of this relationship....now. If he is concerned...then he should stay and take care of her. Not require it of you while he uses your money to go away.
Think this over. You are being used...big time. Get gone
Stella didn't have an illness before him, and she must have had money too, before him. You are next!
Besides the other important issues mentioned above, there's the issue of providing what are essentially commercial driver services (w/o any remuneration), and the technically proper issuance of a commercial driver's license and related liability insurance (for any potential accident).
The issue of not being paid complicates it - you'd be providing what are essentially commercial services, w/o pay, at the request of someone other than the passenger, but would still be liable for transporting a nonpaying "customer) if there were an accident. If you were driving her as a friend, she would be merely a passenger, perhaps as an "invitee".
I'm not even sure how the BF's involvement would play out - if he would technically be considered an agent for placing the trip request or what.
Being rather blunt, I find his request inappropriate, overbearing, inconsiderate, and manipulative. He could easily clean his car out and provide the transportation himself.
I would refuse, politely or not, and suggest that he investigate other sources, including commercial paratransit service through a local transit company. The cost would be cheaper than any commercial service such as a cab, ambulette, Uber, etc.
I'd be hesitant to transport a person with cognitive decline, who is not a close friend or relative anyway, because what if she acts out, damages property, takes something, gets sick, walks away and vanishes, etc. There is a fair amount of liability associated with taking responsibility of this person and that would make me uneasy. I might ask this person if they had considered this.
For some reason your boyfriend still feels obligated to his former girlfriend, which is sweet that he wants to help. But he needs to draw boundaries, such as needing to feel he is on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Cancel that trip, or go yourself with a girlfriend. As whenever someone is in Assisted Living, one never knows what will happen the next day and your boyfriend would feel the need to be there.
No, you are not be selfish, as Stella isn't your relative or even a close friend. If she was your BBF, that would be different.