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So, I have posted before about my friend Richard, and his youngest son that does not like me. For the past two weeks, Richard has been declining rapidly. We saw his Geriatric Doctor at the beginning of August, got him into physical therapy but he has not been able to do much. Last night he called me at 2 am and said he was lost, did not know where he was, and could not move. He also pushed his fall button. I drove over as quickly as I could, paramedics had come but he refused to let them do anything, so they left. When I got here he was slumped sideways in his chair and still confused. He wanted to get into bed, but could not stand up at all. I told him he needed to go to the hospital. He resisted, "They never do anything and it costs me a hundred dollars" I told him I wold pay the ambulance, that he really needed to go. Called them, they took him, today he has been admitted. Initially all they found was mild pneumonia and his blood sugar was off. I called his niece, brother and sister and let them know, asked the brother to contact the youngest son. Hospital then started having issues, confusion came back, he refused medication. They needed to do an MRI but did not know who to call for permission. I do not have POA. So I told them Tyler was his son, Jim was his brother, told them they should contact one of them. Tyler is now talking to the doctor, sending out updates to family members - but not me. I am getting info from the niece. I spoke to his nurse, and to him directly, but was not told of other decisions and issues. I am worried that even if he gets better, Tyler will stick him in the cheapest SNF he can find and bar me from even visiting, then go after ME because I was helping take care of his bills and grocery shopping, with Richard's full consent, but I did not have any legal documentation to do so.

LS2234 - you are a good friend and you have been a great help to Richard. It seems that the need for your help has come to an end. Under the law, without being assigned to be his POA, you being a non-relative, don't have much influence and don't have any right to direct Richard's affairs. He has been very lucky to have your help all these years. Now, it's time for you to let go and be an observer. If you don't think Richard is being well cared for, you can certainly call APS.
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Reply to polarbear
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Richard and I have been friends since 2003, shortly after his second wife Nancy passed away. Long time friendship. We went to Hawaii on a cruise in 2010, we used to go camping every weekend in his travel trailer. His sons helped me move house 3 times, because Dad told them to. We also used to all go out on the boat he owned, with the sons, at that time they were late teens/early twenties. His sister Jill moved into his "back house" aka in law cottage about 7 years ago and moved out just before he went to live with the one son. His family is well aware that I have been a fixture in his life for nearly two decades. I am not some "stranger" to them.
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LS2234 Aug 30, 2020
I suppose if anything they feared I was going to be "stepmonster number two" at some point, but that has never quite gotten past the "Well, maybe someday" stage between us.
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At Richard's direction, I have been paying his bills from his checking account, going to the grocery store with his debit card to get groceries, taking out cash at his request so he can give money to his disabled son. We are both rather old school, probably too trusting of one another, from the handshake is as good as a document generation. He was paying me $300 a month to be his caregiver, not even minimum wage, but it was all we both felt he could afford and it was just enough to make a difference in my budget. He also had me driving his old F150 truck to get to and from his place to mine, around town, taking him to doctors and church, and he paid for the gas. In May he sold the truck to his grandson and bought a small SUV that gets much better gas mileage, and now I drive that back and forth and on his errands. He still pays for the gas. Up until the last few days, he was still coherent, oriented, and able to make decisions. Whatever is going on now, has him completely disoriented, he does not understand where he is, and has been combative with the nurses attempting to medicate him. When I spoke to him on the phone yesterday, he said "I am at my brother Bill's house, and there are a bunch of crazy people here saying they need to do tests. I don't know what new get rich quick scheme Bill has got himself into now, but I need to get out of here". His speech is clear but he is not at all oriented to his surroundings. I told him he was in the hospital and the people were his nurses and doctors, at which point he said "No they are not" and hung up the phone.
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What do you mean you were "taking care of bills" without documentation. Do you mean you were simply assisted a mentally capable person in handling their monthly bills? There is not a problem with that at all. However, if you were signing bills or were having Richard sign anything but his OWN bills, there is a problem.
As to who the family has to give information to, that is up to them.
IF you have been the one Richard calls, the one sending him to hospital, the one paying his bills, the family, who may not even know who you are, may be naturally suspicious, and feel that you are predatory. I would contact the son in charge, tell him who you are, and the ways in which you have assisted Richard, and beg that, as his friend, he allow you to be informed of important changes.
You will of course really have nothing to say about future placement for Richard, nor should that be a subject for you to bring up with family. You are a friend. They are the family.
Do tell the family what you have been doing in assisting Richard with his bill payment, and anything else of value you can think of. Go through the person who is informing you.
Any overstepping of your rights here is going to get you completely and I do mean COMPLETELY frozen out. Your best move is to tell all who you are, how you have been helping, express your love, your caring, and tell them if there is ANYTHING you can do moving forward please let you know, and beg to be informed of any important things going forward.
Again, if you overstep your bounds with this family you will be one and done. Be careful if you care about having any contact going forward. Wishing you luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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For what would the son come after you? If Richard doesn't have dementia and is not in a coma, he can legally do whatever he wants. His son is not the boss of him, especially if he is not his PoA (and even if he were it could only kick into effect if Richard becomes incapacitated. But if Richard hasn't had PoA legal documents created it may cause problems for him shortly down the road. The county may wind up getting guardianship of him and then neither you or his family will be making decisions for him.
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LS2234 Aug 30, 2020
That is exactly the issue, he was fine until recently, now is suddenly almost hallucinating, disoriented, uncooperative with the health care team. He does not have the capacity to make decisions like "Do you want to allow us to do an MRI?" when he does not even recognize that they are nurses and doctors. The hospital is trying to discover what has gone wrong with him, whether it is a stroke, his diabetes, a medication issue, etc.
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