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My mom is getting out of hand...she had a stroke last april...after all the help at rehabilitation /nursing home and the 6 month in home help to do things for herself with my help was over she fought me everyday on doing her physical thearpy exercises...I have no other family members to help me...she has a fit if I even bring up doing the exercises so I quit doing so...now of course its all my fault...she throws in my face any little thing I did as a child that was bad and how she had to put up with me and now its my turn...no matter how she acts I got it coming...when I ask her to please let past go...I'm sorry for all I did but I can't fix those days now lets move on from today...she yells I won't forget them...they happened. ..I won't I wont. ..she kept saying...I understand the anger about what the stroke has done on left side and that shes 88 but from day one they told her it was a long hard work to get where she wanted to be...which was walk...braces were made...but like I said she told me after everyone left she wasn't going to do anything they said...and I always did listen to everyone but her...I said mom in this case yes they are the professionals...I don't care they don't know anything...I've talked to her doc and I still get chewed out after he talks to her...I feel at times I'm up against the wall...shes threaten me with false accusations of physical abuse if I call anyone to come in and talk to her or anyone from the county to help me talk to her...shes throws herself out of her chair and then cries...won't let me help her up for 20 mins or longer...I told her to please talk to someone with all the anger built up inside her...its not just with me but dozens of issues shes mad about...she yells I'm not nuts...you pay for a psychiatrist. ..I said mom the elders have free services for this...atleast I think I read that they do but don't really know for sure...just want her to say ok...but she flat out refuses abd says just throw me somewhere cause I can't live like this...I said mom no one wants to throw u anywhere but I can't keep fighting with you and you need special care...would she get a demintia test...no she said I don't have any of that...dad has some of that but he doesn't act like she does...infact its effecting him the way she acts and towards him too...I think they both need special care but their afraid they'll vome take them and take everything they have...I said to both I really careless if I got a red cent and you can't take what u do have with you so why not be where you can get the right care and I can come visit and maybe we can be a family again...no we can't afford it...I feel lost on what to do...and how to do it as not to hurt them...any ideas on a place that will talk to mom about her anger issues...

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Sandy, you need to call APS, AAA and get out of this situation.
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Jeannegibbs they did not take me out of foster care. ..I was just saying I could have been in foster care like other siblings but was adopted before any of that...there was about 11 of us with different fathers...my dad now is actually my uncle...his sister is my bio mom....anyways I do want whats best for them and I am leaning to reaching out whether mom likes it or not...just trying to do so as gentle as I can...thxs again to all for such helpful ideas..
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Sandy, I've re-read your posts. From my point of view, this is what's going on. Mom goes to rehab, does well with professional care. Guilds you into bringing her home. Stops going well. Verbally abuses you when you try to get her to do exercises. Verbally abuses you when you talk to her doctors about the fact that she needs more help than any one person can provide. Keeps you in line by threatening you that she'll report you for physical abuse.

She's got you cornered, hasn't she? She's used fear and guilt " oh, the state will Jeri us out of here and take everything we own..." that's HER fear talking. She's projecting it in your direction so that you become entangled in it and become paralyzed.

So, what happens if you have a heart attack and die? (That's happened to people here who were caregivers, and has happened in my family). What happens is that the dementia patient lives out their years contentedly in a nursing facility. They have no hostage to complain Tom so they make do and are content.

In your shoes, I would call APS myself today and tell them that your mom is making accusations of abuse against you and for that reason, you can no longer be the caregiver. Call the area agency on aging and let them know about the first call, that your parents are vulnerable adults who need help. Call their doctor and tell him/her that your parents need immediate placement as your health no longer allows you to care for them.

You do not deserve to be abused in this way. Once they are placed, visit once a week and have a normal as possible relationship with them.
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You REALLY need to call your area agency on aging and explain this situation to them. Your mom needs professional care and meds to help with her mental issues which are from the stroke. Please call them today.
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Your childhood problems should not be the reason to put up with verbal and mental abuse. No one here says that it is. Please get your parent the professional help they need and get yourself the help you need to continue on with your life.

If you end up staying the current course, you likely will die of the stress and they will become wards of the state and end up in a nursing home. I hope you will not allow this to happen. Stand up on the inside and be the adult daughter you need to be and they need you to be although they will not recognize or admit this.

Good luck and keep in touch.
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Your parents did what needed to be done for you at age 2 -- they removed you from foster care and adopted you. Awesome.

Now you need to do what needs to be done for them. They need professional help. Please strengthen your backbone, ignore your guilt impulses, and do for them what they need to have done.
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I meant in put...
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Yes she did give good advice...I have walked out of room a few times...I have asked mom to talk to someone and I have looked into facilities. ..but I have no legal right to make any of these things happen...I am now concerned of the recent threat of abuse bringing anyone in...my dad I take care of things he just can't do anymore including his meds...in between carehiving for them I try to go outside and clean up tree debris as they l8ve in the woods...they should have moved out atleast 8 yrs ago when dad had a heart valve replacement and now a pacemaker and 3 stents...no one wants to leave here and when they do they don't want to hire help to do the moving or get house fixed up to sell and first and most of all they don't know where they want to go...I always felt they should be in their home instead of a home and they can't really afford assistant l I ving and after checking into long term care its kind of to late for that at their age...no other family members in our state or alive to help in any way....I feel like I'm up against a wall...I get the guilt trips when I say I can't do this anymore with the fighting...mom tells me then shut up and start listening to me instead of anyone else... (doctors...nursed...ot...pt...you guys...professionals of any kind) I get told go u don't want to take care of us anyways...go someone will find us...on and on...I feel horrible how its all turned out...I took mom out of home to soon...but she cried and said she rather be dead than stay there...I figured I was there everyday took part in physical thearpy and was already doing transfers and clothing her ect...so I felt instead of her giving up there I fought to get her out and in her own home...the first two weeks she did great ...then ut started to change...all she wants to do is be in bed 20 hrs and then watch tv until 11pm...she slept 16 hrs before the stroke...I am 60 in april but feel like 80...I was put on heart meds cause the stress had started giving me weird and too fast of beats...I love my parents but everyday is a big negiative and never a positive. ..I'm beginning to change from it...I was always ready to help others make them laugh and very open minded...but I think its changing...yet their my parents and I still don't want to hurt them by taking them out of their home...dad can make his own lunch and breakfast and take his pills just not order them or fill his weekly organizer for his pills...he forgets stuff alot...I guess its just going to have to be my job...they adopted me at 2 yrs old and saved my life from foster care...its my turn like mom says but I just don't think my childhood problems should be the reason to put up with verbal and mental abuse...maybe I can just keep trying to ignore that part...if I fall or die from stress it will then be over....thxs everyone for your out put....
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I looked at the post cmagnum remembered from about seven weeks ago. Have you done any of the things suggested in that post, such as call the area agency on aging? Are you ready to now? My heart goes out to you. You clearly want to be the Good Daughter, but your parents need professional intervention at this time.
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Sandy, I think you need to remove yourself from this toxic situation.

Who is taking care of your Dad with dementia?

What kind of help does Mother need? What activities of daily living can't she perform?

I don't mean to walk out and never see them again! But remove yourself from the daily caregiving role. Which means that someone else will have to do it.

Start with your state's aging agency to understand what options are available. Also consider calling the social worker at the hospital where Mom was treated.

You definitely need to be able to visit her as a loving daughter, and not as a caregiver she dumps her anger on.

Keep us informed about what you try and how it works out.
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This reminds me of your earlier question in January.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/who-can-help-without-legal-problems-176596.htm

freqflyer and Babalou had some very good advice for you.
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It does sounds like she has dementia and thus counseling for anger management would not help her at all.
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