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Sole caregiver and care manager to my 80-year old Mom; cared for and managed my Dad's care until his death from Alzheimer's disease. Little and no consistent help from 4 brothers and their wives. I've always been the communicator of information to all family members. After years and years, in fact decades now - of begging for help, making suggestions, trying to set up regular visits or family time like scheduling a weekly meal together, etc. I quit calling/emailing/texting them. They don't communicate with me; my gut tells me they all hate me when in fact I've done nothing to any of them but for trying to keep them involved and 'keep the family together'.

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Dear Alexis, I am an only child caring for my Uncle (in re-hab at the moment) and overseeing Mom's care in a NH. Everything relating to their care and well being has been on my shoulders for years, but no matter how tough it gets I thank God every day I have no one else to answer to, as all other close family members are deceased or too old themselves.

All these issues of inconsiderate siblings has become my pet peeve! Some siblings even demand an accounting of finances from the one who is doing all the (unpaid) work, while they do nothing and expect everything from the caregiver. There should probably be a whole section on that topic alone. Here are my comments for what they are worth:

Have you unwittingly made yourself the 'capable one' over the years, or is this servitude expected of you because you're the girl?
Are you single? Did you live with your parents and continue to live with your Mom and your brothers somehow just assumed you would continue managing all the caregiving duties?
Who has the Medical and Financial POA for your Mom? That person is legally responsible for their care whether personally, or hired out, or in a facility. If it is not you, then someone is shirking their duties.

If it is one of them, and you are doing the caregiving, you could present him with a contract for services and start demanding payment (might be taxable income however). Keep in mind that if you had an outside job, you would get wages for 40 hours, overtime pay, vacation, and benefits. I doubt you are getting anything close to that.

If you are the POA, you can write everyone a letter stating your intention to start paying yourself from Mom's funds (you are entitled) and also to hire outside assistance to help you and pay them from Mom's funds. You just need to write up your own caregiver agreement to hire yourself and sign it as POA.

Sit back and watch what happens. If your Bro's (wives have no legal say) didn't listen before, they sure will now! As POA, you are in the driver's seat, and if they are worried about conserving Mom's assets, they just might decide that they suddenly have time to start helping out.

If they suddenly 'get religion', it would be up to you to delineate every single aspect of caregiving that goes on in a typical day: personal care, feeding, cooking, shopping, doctor appts, hairdresser, housecleaning, laundry, ironing, etc. With that, you might be able to set up a care schedule that everyone can live with.

If I were in your place, I would discuss all these things with an Elder Law attorney, and then put your plan in motion. What you are doing is much more than a full-time job and you deserve some respite as well as recognition. You have stated that think your siblings aready hate you, so I would have no qualms giving them a good reason!

I do hope you end up with a positive resolution to all this. Sometimes you just have to shake people up and demand the respect that is due to you.
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I truly know how difficult this must be for you. My only advice is to just let it go. They don't hate you. For whatever reason they are unable to step up and do any caregiving or give support and the easiest way out for them is to do nothing. Hopefully, you have other help and are able to take time for yourself.

At the very least, they should be contributing something so you can hire someone to come in at least once a week for you have a day to yourself or maybe a long weekend off every month. Some folks just find it easier to send a check than put themselves at your service.
I wish you all the best!
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