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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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I lost my wife two years ago after Alzheimer’s disease destroyed her over six years of awful symptoms that have been explained many times on this forum. I was her 24 hour/7 day a week caretaker, and I have no regrets. But, it clearly took a tole on my mind and body. This might sound strange, but after they removed her body from our home, the walls started closing in, and I just went outside and started walking. And over the following weeks and months, I walked and walked and walked. It helped clear mind and my back pain and neck pain and headaches just went away. This physical activity has helped me through the grief and improved my health tremendously. Do something physical, get out of the house. Just move! It helped me and I am over 70 years old, and never exercised regularly before. Just do it.
There is hope and life after caregiving and I am living proof. I cared for my late husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage after he had a massive stroke, then gran mal seizures, several different surgeries, vascular dementia, aspiration pneumonia and then sepsis and septic shock. He has been gone 5 years this past Sept. When he first died I found myself wandering around my house wondering what it was I was now supposed to be doing, as I was lost and exhausted. So I opted to just start taking better care of myself by resting, getting back in church, doing more things with my friends, and slowly but surely my new life started to take shape. It has transformed several times over the last 5 years as I am still figuring out what I want to do when I grow up and I am 66. But I am happy and I choose to fill my life with things that give me joy as I don't have time for anything else. So take things slow and just start doing things that bring you joy and in time your life and hope will return. And rest....as in lots of rest. You've earned it. God bless you for taking such good care of your mother. She would now want you taking good care of yourself.
funkygrandma, I love your answers. I feel like I can relate to you in so many ways, and you often say the same things I am thinking. I am 63, and 10 years of my 15 year marriage have been taking care of my sweet husband. Even though it's killing me, physically and emotionally, I can't bear the thought of letting him go to a nursing home. What would I do without him in my life every day? I'm glad you are finding joy in your life again.
Start with getting rest. Sleep, including naps if they help. Sit outside in the sunshine -- even if just a few minutes if it's cold where you are.
If your house is messy, get some help to freshen it. If it needs organizing, hire a professional organizer for a session or two. She may get the job done, or she may just help you to see your way clear to getting to where it needs to be. Then hire a cleaner for a one-time, all-over session. Having your home environment looking and feeling nice will boost your spirits every morning when you wake up and every time you come home after being out.
Then just slowly start making that bucket list, and go for it. Catching up with old friends who you haven't had much time for probably should be near the top.
You've been very generous with your time and I hope you will be generous to yourself. Let us know how it all goes.
I'm in the same boat. Both of my parents have/had dementia/Alz. I started caring for them around 2018 and was the sole caregiver for them with my husband's help up until first of this year. I live 1,000 miles away, so from 2020 on (as they progressed in their journey and needed more help) , I was on a plane on average every 3-6 weeks (max) using my weekends, PTO, and every holiday off from work to get everything taken care of from fixing things in the house to every day needs.
We placed my dad in a nursing home in 2022 and he passed 12 months ago. Once he passed, my mom started going downhill quick with her memory, so I had to place her in a facility, and sell off their home of 50+ years. Luckily had help with that. I am just now about done with finalizing everything, however I'm still her main point of contact for care, so even though I can relax, I'm still dealing with things, but it is so much better now.
I'm so grateful for the help now, but I have not been able to shake the burnt out feeling. I have no energy to take care of my stuff and dig myself out of a hole with clutter. I feel like I'm drowning in mounds of paperwork and items I have to sort through.
My life was on hold for so long, that I feel in a sense I've lost a bit of me. I have good intentions on getting my house in order on the weekends but all I want to do is relax and socialize with friends, and spend time with my husband. I lost out on so much for so many years. I feel like this overwhelmed feeling will never go away. I love the idea that the person above mentioned to hire a home organizer and a one time house cleaner to get me started! I think that is such a great start.
Would I do what I did all over again? Without a doubt. I can say I did everything in my power to give them the best quality of life I could. I also did my best to keep them out of a facility for as long as possible. It has taught me such a valuable lesson in life. Get your affairs in order at a youngish age, so you don't leave your loved ones to deal with really hard things.
Bless you for taking care of your mother.. You should be proud of that. I think things might come back slowly without any specific path.. No need to rush it get immediate solutions. Just living day by day you'll begin to be more attracted to doing things for yourself again.. You can start maybe by helping others on the forum, tell people what worked for you. Gradually you your old interests will return or maybe you'll have new ones.. wishing you the best..
12/19/25 - This is a timely post for me. It's nearly a decade of "medium-level" care for my Dad. then a brother, who passed in September. I find myself suddenly idle. Time on my hands that I'm not used to. Life has been moving around me, and I have some "catching-up" to do... maybe. After the Holidays I'll get off my butt and get back in the game...maybe. Stay Well, ALL !
I recommend a wonderful book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, by David Kessler.
In this groundbreaking and “poignant” (Los Angeles Times) book, David Kessler—praised for his work by Maria Shriver, Marianne Williamson, and Mother Teresa—journeys beyond the classic five stages to discover a sixth stage: meaning.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first identified the stages of dying in her transformative book On Death and Dying. Decades later, she and David Kessler wrote the classic On Grief and Grieving, introducing the stages of grief with the same transformative pragmatism and compassion. Now, based on hard-earned personal experiences, as well as knowledge and wisdom gained through decades of work with the grieving, Kessler introduces a critical sixth stage: meaning.
Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
“Beautiful, tender, and wise” (Katy Butler, author of The Art of Dying Well), Finding Meaning is “an excellent addition to grief literature that helps pave the way for steps toward healing” (School Library Journal).
https://a.co/d/5SPKtsR
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom. Best of luck learning how to move forward with meaning, and live life again.
This question and thread couldn’t be more perfectly timed. My journey as a part time caregiver to my Mom began in 2020, culminating into full time caregiving when I moved her into my home in 2024. Mom has always been my North Star, moving her in with my husband and me just seemed so natural and the “right thing” to do. It was more important that I try and fail than not try at all, and I was fortunate that I had the support of family and financial resources to help. In my oh-so-naive mind I believed we could make it in my home about a year, and since Mom was inching closer to Hospice admission, it seemed obvious our home would be the final move.
I have only posted one question to this site since moving Mom in, specifically asking others what was the best thing they came away with as a caregiver. I had enough ideas of the bad, I was determined to focus on the positive aspects of caregiving. The answers were great, each in their own way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come back to look over those answers, as well as just drop in occasionally to be reminded I wasn’t alone. I never really felt like I had much to contribute, but I’ve learned so much here, even in the silence. For that, I am so thankful.
Back to my “one-year-as-a-full-time-caregiver-goal” and I’m proud to say my husband and I squeaked it out to 15 months! Yes I realized 2 months in I was in over my head and knew we’d be lucky to make a full year. In totality, it’s been great it some ways and awful in others, even with the angels on our Hospice team. As I had finally reconciled late summer I had given it my all, accepting Mom and I both deserved better, I had hopes her next move into a nursing home could come as early as Spring, maybe early summer. A literal miracle presented itself for us in late October and I’m thrilled to say we got Mom settled in to her new home a few weeks ago. She’s safe, she’s happy, she’s well cared for, and God-willing, she may even find a new purpose in her new environment. I thought I’d be riddled with sadness, regret, and guilt at moving my own mother out of my home. Turns out peace still exists in my heart and mind, it’s just been harder to find buried amongst the hardest years in both our lives.
Yes, like most everyone here, I’m forever changed by this journey, in both positive and negative ways. And my particular journey isn’t over yet. Mom’s still alive and I’m her only daughter/POA. But the shift from full-time back to part-time caregiving is already noticeable, and very hopeful. I believe there are still lessons she can teach me, my husband, and her adult grandchildren. I relish that. There are lessons I’m hoping I can share with others at some point, whether here or others in my community. I’m obviously looking forward to being more of a daughter again, I admit I feel woefully out of practice in that area.
What comes next? Like so many of you I don’t yet know. And I’m okay with the not knowing. I do know this much. Just keep going. One foot in front of the other one prayer after the other, one day…sometimes one hour at a time. We’ll get to our “next”, believe it. It exists for us all. ❤️
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
When he first died I found myself wandering around my house wondering what it was I was now supposed to be doing, as I was lost and exhausted.
So I opted to just start taking better care of myself by resting, getting back in church, doing more things with my friends, and slowly but surely my new life started to take shape.
It has transformed several times over the last 5 years as I am still figuring out what I want to do when I grow up and I am 66. But I am happy and I choose to fill my life with things that give me joy as I don't have time for anything else.
So take things slow and just start doing things that bring you joy and in time your life and hope will return. And rest....as in lots of rest. You've earned it.
God bless you for taking such good care of your mother. She would now want you taking good care of yourself.
I am 63, and 10 years of my 15 year marriage have been taking care of my sweet husband. Even though it's killing me, physically and emotionally, I can't bear the thought of letting him go to a nursing home. What would I do without him in my life every day?
I'm glad you are finding joy in your life again.
You've got 8 years of stress to purge.
Get caught up on medical checkups and eye exams.
If your house is messy, get some help to freshen it. If it needs organizing, hire a professional organizer for a session or two. She may get the job done, or she may just help you to see your way clear to getting to where it needs to be. Then hire a cleaner for a one-time, all-over session. Having your home environment looking and feeling nice will boost your spirits every morning when you wake up and every time you come home after being out.
Then just slowly start making that bucket list, and go for it. Catching up with old friends who you haven't had much time for probably should be near the top.
You've been very generous with your time and I hope you will be generous to yourself. Let us know how it all goes.
We placed my dad in a nursing home in 2022 and he passed 12 months ago. Once he passed, my mom started going downhill quick with her memory, so I had to place her in a facility, and sell off their home of 50+ years. Luckily had help with that. I am just now about done with finalizing everything, however I'm still her main point of contact for care, so even though I can relax, I'm still dealing with things, but it is so much better now.
I'm so grateful for the help now, but I have not been able to shake the burnt out feeling. I have no energy to take care of my stuff and dig myself out of a hole with clutter. I feel like I'm drowning in mounds of paperwork and items I have to sort through.
My life was on hold for so long, that I feel in a sense I've lost a bit of me. I have good intentions on getting my house in order on the weekends but all I want to do is relax and socialize with friends, and spend time with my husband. I lost out on so much for so many years. I feel like this overwhelmed feeling will never go away. I love the idea that the person above mentioned to hire a home organizer and a one time house cleaner to get me started! I think that is such a great start.
Would I do what I did all over again? Without a doubt. I can say I did everything in my power to give them the best quality of life I could. I also did my best to keep them out of a facility for as long as possible. It has taught me such a valuable lesson in life. Get your affairs in order at a youngish age, so you don't leave your loved ones to deal with really hard things.
Think about what you wished for during those hard years...a new job? A nice guy? Travel and connecting with friends? Taking classes, enjoying a hobby?
Seek and you will find. Make a Bucket List. Best of luck to you!
In this groundbreaking and “poignant” (Los Angeles Times) book, David Kessler—praised for his work by Maria Shriver, Marianne Williamson, and Mother Teresa—journeys beyond the classic five stages to discover a sixth stage: meaning.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first identified the stages of dying in her transformative book On Death and Dying. Decades later, she and David Kessler wrote the classic On Grief and Grieving, introducing the stages of grief with the same transformative pragmatism and compassion. Now, based on hard-earned personal experiences, as well as knowledge and wisdom gained through decades of work with the grieving, Kessler introduces a critical sixth stage: meaning.
Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
“Beautiful, tender, and wise” (Katy Butler, author of The Art of Dying Well), Finding Meaning is “an excellent addition to grief literature that helps pave the way for steps toward healing” (School Library Journal).
https://a.co/d/5SPKtsR
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom. Best of luck learning how to move forward with meaning, and live life again.
I have only posted one question to this site since moving Mom in, specifically asking others what was the best thing they came away with as a caregiver. I had enough ideas of the bad, I was determined to focus on the positive aspects of caregiving. The answers were great, each in their own way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come back to look over those answers, as well as just drop in occasionally to be reminded I wasn’t alone. I never really felt like I had much to contribute, but I’ve learned so much here, even in the silence. For that, I am so thankful.
Back to my “one-year-as-a-full-time-caregiver-goal” and I’m proud to say my husband and I squeaked it out to 15 months! Yes I realized 2 months in I was in over my head and knew we’d be lucky to make a full year. In totality, it’s been great it some ways and awful in others, even with the angels on our Hospice team. As I had finally reconciled late summer I had given it my all, accepting Mom and I both deserved better, I had hopes her next move into a nursing home could come as early as Spring, maybe early summer. A literal miracle presented itself for us in late October and I’m thrilled to say we got Mom settled in to her new home a few weeks ago. She’s safe, she’s happy, she’s well cared for, and God-willing, she may even find a new purpose in her new environment. I thought I’d be riddled with sadness, regret, and guilt at moving my own mother out of my home. Turns out peace still exists in my heart and mind, it’s just been harder to find buried amongst the hardest years in both our lives.
Yes, like most everyone here, I’m forever changed by this journey, in both positive and negative ways. And my particular journey isn’t over yet. Mom’s still alive and I’m her only daughter/POA. But the shift from full-time back to part-time caregiving is already noticeable, and very hopeful. I believe there are still lessons she can teach me, my husband, and her adult grandchildren. I relish that. There are lessons I’m hoping I can share with others at some point, whether here or others in my community. I’m obviously looking forward to being more of a daughter again, I admit I feel woefully out of practice in that area.
What comes next? Like so many of you I don’t yet know. And I’m okay with the not knowing. I do know this much. Just keep going. One foot in front of the other one prayer after the other, one day…sometimes one hour at a time. We’ll get to our “next”, believe it. It exists for us all. ❤️