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My mom came to live with me at 90 years. Now 100, she is still here. During that time I had cancer. I now have diabetes as well. I want her in assisted living. I’m tired. It’s not fair to me to have to spend the rest of my life taking care of her. There are no siblings to help. She brags to everyone how great her health is. Meanwhile my body is dying. I would feel awful forcing her to move, I wish she would suggest it. It’s just too much just for me. I’m depressed, irritated, in pain. And she thinks everything is great. What should I do?

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You will have to be honest with her. You will have to tell her you need peace now, and quiet and that she will have to move. You will likely have to wait at this point until Covid is over. Not everything has a magical fairy tale fix that makes things perfect, that ensures against loss and tears. Just another hard fact of life. I am so dreadfully sorry for all you are going through.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I would give your mother ONE option: to help her choose a nice Assisted Living residence now because 10 years is all you can give her in terms of living accommodations. You should not feel 'awful' asking her to move because you have your OWN issues to deal with, for petesake. With these elders living to 100+ and having NO plans for their long term care, why does it fall on US to be their 'plan'? Enough is enough. Let mom know you love her but that it's time for her to move on now, that this arrangement is no longer working for YOU, but that you'll be happy to visit her frequently as allowed by the AL, and call her daily.

My mother has lived in AL since 2014 since living with me was never an option, and I don't feel guilty about it for one iota of one minute. ALFs are like nice hotels with luxury living suites or apartments. 3 hot meals a day, activities and lots of others to canoodle with. In fact, my distant uncle George just turned 100 and he lives in the same AL my mother does (she's in the Memory Care bldg nowadays) and he likes it just fine. Plays cards with the menfolk and has a grand time.

Nothing is forever so your mom should be grateful she's had 10 years of hospitality from you.

All the best.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I'm so sorry for your health problems. I would tell her you love her and enjoy being with her but that your body is no longer able to keep up with both of your needs. Then you give her 2 choices:

1) she accepts and pays for in-home care from a reputable agency (and any other services, like cleaning, driving her to appointments, etc that take a burden from you).
2) she moves into a care community, and you will help her pick a nice one.

There is no 3rd option. Tell her what you've told us. See where it goes from there. I wish you all the best as you work towards improving your situation.
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Reply to Geaton777
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