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Due to my sisters ongoing hurtful antics towards my mom for so long, my mom does not want to see her anymore and is very adamant about it. She will not accept my moms decision and is now creating all kinds of waves and making accusations that I'm controlling her, hiding her and wont let her see anyone. She isn't being hidden anywhere and nobody is stopping her from doing anything. I don't think its right that my mom be forced to see her against her wishes, but my sister still keeps insisting that its her right to see her whenever she wants, even though my mom has told her a number of times over the phone that if and when she wants to see her she'll let her know. Can she be forced to see someone that she had made perfectly clear that she doesn't want to see?

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She's your sister, just tell her like it is. Mom said that you keep trying to get her to sign a form to go to NH. She doesn't want to go. Therefore, she doesn't want to be alone with you anymore. So if you want to see mom, I will check on her. If she doesn't want to see you, then so be it. When you do ask your mom, ask her if you can record it on your cell phone. Then record you asking and your mom's response.

As for relatives, if they will always believe your sister, then there's really nothing you can do about it. For years, as in the past 23 years, my oldest brother of next door has been telling EVERYONE that he and his wife are taking care of our parents. Most people did not know about me - they thought I was a visiting relative. Most of my relatives thought I was staying with the parent scott free. It did NOT help that father complained to everyone - relatives, the govt caregivers, etc.. that I was a bad daughter. They all assumed the worst and several people had the nerve to tell me that I should do more. Hello?! Out of 8 kids ,I stayed home to help father with mom. But of course not, they believed father and bro. At mom's Mass of Intention, almost everybody was praising my brother for taking such good care of mom! This is the brother who stayed away from us. He wouldn't even help around the house. I have had to pay the plumber (and got ripped off several times) and an electrician (bro is an electrician and helps OTHER people but us), etc.... You get the drift? No matter what I did for my parents, and put my life on hold to stay home instead of follow my dreams of travelling all over Europe - Almost Everyone Believed My Brother!

Even with mom's passing away, people Still Believe Bro is the one now taking care of father. It is what it is. People will believe what they want to believe.

If you have FaceBook, why don't you do little updates once in a while. Mom and I did this or that. Or go on it and give a funny note about something that you and mom laughed at hilariously - from a tv show, or some comment that made both of you crack up in laughter. By putting these little notes of emotional touches, People will see what's truly happening. And it's up to them now to believe you or sis.
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She has a caregiver from an agency that comes in a couple times a week, and I've asked my brother to start visiting her more often since he talks with sister often.

She is calling mom on the phone, and so are the relatives that are also in on her antics. If mom answers the phone and anyone else is in the room or comes into the room, its being said that shes being controlled and not allowed to talk to anyone without someone monitoring her phone calls. If she doesn't answer her phone, its being said that her calls are being screened and shes not being told about them or allowed to listen to her messages.

Shes a troublemaker and the queen of gossip and lies, and they stick to her like glue and believe everything she says.

She wants to have my mom put into a nursing home out of state where she lives. My mom is dead against it and wants no part of it. She has told her numerous times, but my sister is bound and determined that's whats going to be.

That's part of what the paperwork was that she was trying to force her to sign at the respite facility. My mom kept hiding in the bathroom when she'd start pushing at her to sign them and would stay in there for as long as she could in hopes that she'd leave, and kept doing so until she finally left. Its been said that it never happened and that my mom is making the story up, even though she has admitted to brother and other relatives that she tried to get her to sign papers but my mom kept refusing.

Not once over the years has she ever lifted a finger to help in any way, shape or form when it comes to caring for my mom, or even been around when called when my mom was having major surgery or when shes been in serious condition due to an illness. I really wish she'd stop her nonsense because shes really upsetting my mom, and in turn the household once my mom gets upset and undone, and its not fair to her.
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I like Jinx's ideas for building evidence against the "abuse" charge. But in the end your best defense is that you do not abuse her so no one will be able to "prove" that you do.

I am very sorry that your extended family is so dysfunctional. Try not to get dragged down into their level of behavior.
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How is she refusing to accept it? Is she calling your mother and bothering her? Is she spreading gossip?

I'm thinking of how you can protect yourself against charges of abuse. Do any professionals come into your home? Do you have a pastor who could be brought in to "look over" the situation and talk to your mother? Could you get Visiting Nurse to come in and do an assessment? That would be useful to have in case of accusations.

Are there relatives or friends that you could invite to visit Mom, so that they could be satisfied that she is OK? Obviously don't invite your sister or her nearest allies, but invite people who can be unbiased. Even if they don't show up, the fact that you invited them will make a good impression, and remove some fuel from the fire your sister is trying to build.

This site makes me so grateful for the siblings I have, even though I'm sort of not speaking to my sister right now, and my brother is very loudly at the opposite political extreme from me.
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The last incident involved her hijacking my moms bank account, the time before that she tried forcing her to sign some legal papers against her will when she was at a respite facility.

To be honest, I could care less how she feels about me, I don't talk to her and have always been cordial when I've seen her, no matter how she tries to provoke an argument I don't fall into her trap... but from what I was told she plans on making things very ugly for us if she doesn't get her way. It was said to me by a cousin who is close to her and defending her that usually when people are "hidden" its because they are being abused... which to me was a totally off the wall thing to say to me because nobody is hiding my mom and she is by far and no means being abused. She also said that everyone thinks its a big concern that nobody gets to see my mom, even though I notified all of them and they all had the chance to spend as much time as they wanted with my mom during the week she was the respite facility. but they all thought it unnecessary for her to have company everyday (and those were the words used) and all chose to come at one time and spend a little over an hour visiting with her one evening because, in her words, "nobody was dying to make the trip on their own and its the best they could do".

My sister has been told that shes not welcome unless shes invited by mom, or if when she asks if she can come and mom says its ok, but she refuses to accept it.
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Not knowing the full extent of the problem it is a bit difficult to make a really good judgement on this. We all make mistakes and sometimes hurt people and we need to be able to see them to ask for forgiveness. If your sister has hurt your Mom, she may need to see your Mom to try and make amends for what she has done wrong.

If I were you and I allowed my sister to come and visit Mom, if there was an argument or if Mom refused to see her and told her to get out, then I would tell my sister that for our mother's well being, I would not be allowing her to visit with Mom for a while. They may need some time apart. I would not however tell my sister that she was NEVER going to see Mom again, because Mom might have a change of heart and want to see sister again.

If sister only wants to see Mom to give her a hard time, then I would not be letting sister back in unless circumstances changed.

There are always two sides to every story, you are stuck in the middle and I feel for you, it is not a good place to be.
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Jasmine, is your mother back living with you? Can you tell your sister that she is not welcome in your house unless your mother specifically invites her?

So, your sister gets mad and makes accusations. Is that hurting you in some way?

Give us more information.
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