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My grandmother reached the point where she needed full care and is 100% dependent on others. She lived in Kentucky and my father and step mother decided to move her into their home in California because they felt guilty about putting her into a home. They own their own business and my wife and I both work for them because we are in school and they are flexible with our hours. They figured out they bit more off than they could chew by bringing her on. So they told my wife and I that we need to take care of her when we aren't at work because it is "our duty as family". And after saying no they threatened to fire us at our jobs. So we are forced to care for her. We literally spend every moment we arent at work caring for her. Wake her up, clean up her bed, carry her down stairs, feed her, physical therapy, speech therapy, bathroom trips, more sheet cleaning, throw up cleaning, medication, the whole 9 yards. Then we get to go into work. Then we go to school, then back to grandma. And after an entire day of this my wife and I get to have dinner and if we can manage it, stay up and watch tv for an hour then go to sleep. I am 23 by the way. My whole life revolves around this. I want my life back. My wife and I constantly fight about things. This whole situation is garbage. I was in the Army and nothing I put up with there compares to this madness. I feel horrible for thinking this way but I just want her to die so I can save my marriage and have my life back. I can not quit my job or risk being fired I need to pay the bills. And before anyone says it, I am not using my GI Bill I am saving it. I feel terrible but I literally see her and hope she doesnt wake up when I get her up in the morning. I hate my life right now. I put in my time for my country and was excited about getting out and moving on with my life. Now I wish I would have enlisted for another 4 years. Does anyone have any tips? Similar experiences? I AM GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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You don't need to be a prisoner. Prayer helps. My solution to you is to re-enter the military. I know you can because my husband and sons were military and this option came up. Take time to call a recruiter. This is a temporary solution but may save your marriage. Your wife will thank you and you did not sign up to be a caregiver and if it is affecting your relationship, it is not being selfish to want out. God understands, run to Jesus!
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I know exactly how you feel. I lovingly moved in with my grandparents 3 years ago, while I was working and going to school. Last year we lost grandma and now grandpa is hanging on. His mind is all there but his body is giving out. My mom is little to no help, and she is holding the fact that I live here so I should want to take care of him. I lost my job and now it's just go to school and care take. I recently have started seeing a therapist which has helped immensely. I can't wait for school to start so I can escape the house. I am only going to be able to do this for 6 more months, and then off to nursing school I hope. There is an end to everything but only god knows when that is. I know it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but take it day by day, that helps me every day to wake up and face the day. I give you a bug hug and hope that you guys stay strong and know that there is an end, you just don't know when.
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Hello everyone and thank you again for all your responses it means a lot to me. I think you all are right. But here is an update. My grandmother is in the final stages and started hospice. At this point I see no point in rocking the boat and we are going to just finish up. All of the craziness aside, I have grown to enjoy the time bonding with her. We will be by her side and try to make her passing as warm and happy as possible. But thanks to your input, we are educated and will make sure not to fall in to the same trap again. Thank you all so much you have no idea how much your words have helped in this crazy time. Lots of lessons learned. I will keep you all posted.
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Please let us know how you and your wife are doing. We do all care here and we do not want you to be manipulated or abused by your family, and we are pretty sure your wife did not sign up for this. You are both young, with a new marriage these should be the best times of your life not the worst. Poor grandma needs to be in a good, and safe facility where they can take care her. I'm sorry that your parents have failed so miserably in this.
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You need to find a job where mom and dad are not the boss of your life.
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This is extortion and nothing better. Get out, don't look back.
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James, you deserve decent employers, which your "family" is not. Keep on looking and hold on to your wife and a good life together. You really are better off with your parents at a good distance.
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James, I am so sorry that your parents are abusing you and your wife like this! Let's see - You and your wife work, you both go to school, and you are full-time caregivers to your grandmother......hmmmm that's 3 full-time jobs for you and your wife! and your parents? They work. Does your mom work? That is still only 1 job they have. So you and your wife get to work 3 jobs and they do 1? And they chose to bring her to CA? I agree with the others, find out what the REAL reason is that they want Gma home for....it may very well be for her money, I think most of us smell something 'fishy' here, especially since they seem to be so very willing to sacrifice you and your wife. Beware, since you've got to know they will want you to care for them....no want is not the right word, they will demand and guilt you into it. Best of luck in your investigation of what is really going on and to you and your wife. Linda
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James, do you have an employer-employee contract with your dad and copies of past W-2s which shows that you work for him? Has he been taking out taxes from your paycheck which he is required to do?
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If you are working for family, they still have to abide by state and federal laws. Therefore, if your job has been threatened, I would suggest speaking to an employment lawyer to find out what your legal rights are. Please don't state: "this is family" because they certainly are not thinking about your feelings when they threatened you. I have a huge family and I am a caregiver to my great aunt who is not even a blood relative. That would be the day someone threatened me! Game on!! Also, I don't know what state you live in, but there are ways to get paid for being a caregiver to your relative. I am only learning about it myself, as my great aunt now has long-term care and it may only be a program that pays family or friends - as caregivers - for providing care. The program is called Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Program (CDPAP). Again, I don't know much about it because I was recently told I could get paid for approved hours per week. I have been out of work for 4 1/2 years and when I was called for an assignment for the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security, I only worked 2 months and when I got back, my great aunt changed all her doctors and her dentist, and it took me 8 months to get her back on track! I do hope you investigate your legal options through your Department of Labor, because I truly believe "your boss" has no right to threaten you (intentional infliction of emotional distress). There is always Adult Protective Services where you can call them and report your family members for abusing and threatening you and your wife. No one has the right to threaten, intimidate, harass, verbally abuse, etc. anyone and that includes family or friends. Good luck to you.
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can you get back in the military and get the heck out of this mess? It sounds better than your current situation. If you are good at sales.. find another job, Enjoy your life, your wife and your home before you lose it all, and you will... Your parents are some piece of work.
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You might want to check out The American Association of Caregiving Youth website (AACY.org) for resources.
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I do feel your pain we have a situation with my grandma but not as bad as yours. My grandma lives alone since my grandad passed two years ago and shes gone rapidly downhill. She wants constant company ringing me my mum and aunty up all the time we bend over backwards for her, shopping, drs, meds etc but if we dont go we get the calls and if we refuse she calls the drs or ambulance when its her mental illness nothing life or death! We are all loosing our patients as she says we dont love her and calls us to other family members. I am 31 with 2 young children and work and visit her 3 times a day but thats not enough for her. My aunty goes 6 days a week sometimes twice a day but forbid we have a sunday with our husbands.
People have gave some good advice but I know its easier said thsn done getting a new job etc I do hope you get your freedom soon :-( we are going to tell my grandma she needs to go into a home we are all so drained
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"Trust me, you will wish you would be taking care of grandma when real work to make ends meat is just too overwhelming.... Grow up"

Okay, this is really rude and uncalled-for. There is no reason to think this poster would fall apart when faced with a real job - he's been in the military for heaven's sake! And I think most paid jobs are much easier and more rewarding than caregiving in general. Doing something you enjoy and that you're good at and that brings in a paycheck - all good! Exhausting unpaid personal care for someone you don't have a deep personal connection with - not good at all. I agree with cmagnum - many caregivers wish that the care recipient would die and it has nothing to do with age or maturity. There's no reason for such a snide response.
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Here's the context of how he said she would die which includes saying he felt horrible for feeling this which is also true of caregivers who feel that way.

"I feel horrible for thinking this way but I just want her to die so I can save my marriage and have my life back."

He and his wife constantly argue and his time is all eaten up with work, school, and grandmother. What are his parents doing? I don't know, but it sounds like Jame's wife is picking up where James can't and she's not even being paid for taking care of his grandmother is that is in fact what she is doing.
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Daughters, in my opinion that is a heartless non supportive response. James like other caregivers on this sight have at some point and usually when they are burnt out thought, felt and written here that they wished the person they are caring for would die. It is an honest feeling. I do agree that he needs to find another job and get a roof over his own head. He has a real job with his parents, but adding to that the free care of his grandmother is just too much. He and his wife are young and need to have their own life and his parents need to take some responsibility for the grandmother.
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I felt sad for you until you stated you hoped this lady would die. You are heartless and selfish. She is the reason why you are in this earth. Its a part of life. We will all go through this. She did not ask to live this long and I am sure she hates to be a burden to you. Believe me...she knows she is. She deserves dignity and compassion. I care for both of my elderly parents. Yes, it is extremely hard but its called serving those who can no longer serve themselves.Get a real job or better yet two (full time & part time), so you don't have to rely on your parents for a roof over your head. Trust me, you will wish you would be taking care of grandma when real work to make ends meat is just too overwhelming.... Grow up.
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James13B: you're making this impossible. Great at sales? There are companies big and small who would hire you in a minute and you may even see bigger commissions. What kind of parent's not only demand you and your wife look after the grandmother (they should be doing this especially if they don't want to place her inNH) but also threaten their son with job termination if they don't. Put yourself and your wife first and get out.
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First, see what kind of help you can get for free or with your grandma's insurance, such as visiting nurses and home health aides or even a companion for her. That may help ease the burden somewhat while you a.) look for another job and b.) look into nursing homes that accept medicaid if your grandmother needs to be on that for her care; the nursing home can help you get her on medicaid. Since your parents have apparently absolved themselves of all responsibility in this matter it's up to you to change matters. Whatever you do, don't take your anger out on your grandmother -- she's simply a helpless elderly person who is probably frightened and confused and possibly terrified of going into a home. But sometimes there's no other choice, especially if she needs a great deal of looking after. Good luck!
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James13b,
Sounds like a very very difficult position... I would meet it with a well thought out plan. I will pray for you & your wife, that The Lord would give you wisdom on how to handle everything. I commend you for not running away. While you & your wife are caring for your grandmother, write down everything that is required for her care & her mental & physical ailments. I'm sure that she qualifies for care of some sort. Even though this is very difficult on you & your wife, I recognize you do not want to jeopardize your family relationship... Also very wise. Do not make hasty decisions based on emotions. Maybe you can initiate talking to your grandmother's doctor or someone in healthcare that can help you get the ball rolling on grandmother's care? She may qualify for a caregiver coming in x number of times weekly for x hours, which would lighten your load. A plan to care for her without you & your wife working with her all day- is possible. Then find and pray about a good opportunity to sit down and talk with your folks. If possible, iron it out & pursue peace. I know you've endured if you have been in the military & I thank you for your service to us!!!! Also thank you for caring for your grandmother- this work although thankless & difficult, is not in vain!! You will be blessed for it. His Blessings to you in this endeavor.
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James & All - ???, now Gran gets some sort of income. Gran for sure gets SS $ and perhaps also has retirement income as well and perhaps also has savings. So where is Gran $$ going?? Parents aren't paying James & his young wife for the caregiving, it seems, so where is Grans $ going to?

James - Are your parents using Grans $ to make ends meet? You say dad was struggling in their business, so is the ability to use grannie's dependable income a factor in their moving her from her old state to live with them? Could your parents decision to move her from Kentucky to California be less about love & compassion but more about income & assets? But they totally miscalculated the time & physical costs of care. So to make the equation now work, you parents need free caregiving by you & your wife.

I'm going to guess that parents probably have other issues - not current on taxes, not paying proper withholding to state & FICA; underinsured for their business & inventory; maxed out on some credit cards. Look about & listen about, are there past due invoices coming in & creditor calls happening? These are all red flags that there are bigger issues ahead beyond caregiving for grannie. Are you & your wife being properly paid your wages with FICA done? If not, then that too is a warning sign of bigger problems in the future.

I would suggest that you & your wife put on your best Hardy boys & Nancy Drew and try in the next month to find out just what the financial situation is. For grannie, she will be getting 2 documents from Social Security between December & January. 1 will be her award letter that states what she will received each month as SS income for 2015; the other will be the tax statement for what she was paid in 2014. These come in a trifold mailing - the kind that you tear off the sides & the top to open & NOT in a regular envelope. If grannie gets any type of federal, civil service or state retirement ( or her late husband did & she gets survivors benefit), those too will send out awards letters for 2015 & payment issued for 2014. If she has savings, it will be getting a tax form for interest paid and you can probably do a rough estimate of what the account has based on the interest paid. You & your wife want the hard data to confront your folks on your being paid for your caregiving from the $ that gran gets. It will be a confrontation & won't be pretty but you have to take a stand in this for you & your wifes behalf with documentation. at some point your wife's patience in all this will be gone and she may walk to save her sanity.

Do you have siblings? If so where are they in all this drama?

Also the whole fire you if you don't care for gran has EEOC violations. I'm guessing that dad views his business as not subject to rules since its family and privately held. Well he's wrong.
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James, maybe you should show your parents this forum so they can see how they have abused your trust. I have three sons around your age and a 90 yr. old mother that needs much care and I would NEVER put that on my boys. I have been going though this with my siblings, nobody wants the job! Last month I went to check out nursing homes and assisted living by myself. I was so impressed with the assisted living, my mom is there now. It's a big beautiful apartment, furnished with her own things. They have wonderful live entertainment, she orders off a menu in a beautiful restaurant, her care will increase with her needs. My mom is doing so much better and we have our lives back. Your parents have an image of dirty, smelly, nursing home, however they have some very nice places and they are way safer and more engaging than being at home. If I were you, I would go find a nice one, then take your parents there and I bet they'll agree that it's a better solution. Your right, you do deserve your life back!
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James, Age related decline? Really? Does grandma have dementia? Other physical ailments? From your description, she needs 3 shifts of caregivers. Sit down with you parents and figure out who those three shifts will be and where it will happen. Why is she throwing up? If she's incontinent, she should be wearing protective undergarments, not soiling the sheets.
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James, it's never going to end. Your grandmother will be needing more and more care. I wonder who's going to make the sacrifice to care for her 24/7? You? Or most likely your wife (being a female)? How is this going to affect your marriage?

I tried to put myself in your wife's place. // "All I see is that my husband is putting his family first before me, before our marriage. To me, they will always come first. Yes, husband promises this or that. But I look at the over-all picture. And I don't see any ending soon. So, I become discontent. I'm not happy. I experienced what marriage was suppose to be - you work, come home, we snuggle afterwards, maybe eat out or go to a movie. Where's all this? Now, it's just work and grandmother." (Well, you know your wife, just replace some of my words with hers.)

Guilt and Obligation - is what your father is doing to you. Think about those 2 words carefully. HOW is your father playing on your guilt? On Obligation?

I know the family obligations of caregiving family - no matter what. Think very carefully of the now and of your future. I've been helping my dad caregive mom when I was age 24. That was 24 years ago. My dream was to move to the states and take long weekend holidays to travel all over Europe. I put that on hold - thinking that mom would not live too long. What little I knew about dementia. Mom passed away 2 years ago. Then dad got His Stroke. He's age 86 and he's still going strong. Now, I'm so torn at the moment of what I now want in life. I stayed on this low paying, no retirement plan job because of the work flexibility. When mom needed to go to the ER, I was able to drop everything and just go. So, James, please think very very carefullly on this. You and your wife will end up being the caregiver if another member needs caregiving. Because you both have experience, you're the children (that's why they have children- to take care of them in their old age - per my dad) and because it's family.

You and your wife needs to sit down and figure out the today and the tomorrow. Set goals. Goal 1 - strengthen your marriage. Goal 2 - find an alternative caregiver for Grandmother. Goal 3 - seek another job if parents won't compromise/cooperate. Goal 4.... Goal 5.....
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Hello and thank you for your responses. My wife and I live in our own home. We are usually only there to sleep. My wife and I got married while I was still in the service. I just don't want to ruin what little is left of my relationship with my parents by pulling the rug out from under them. I was gone for so long and recently started strengthening my relationships again. In response to being called a child, my father's business is struggling and I took a job with him with the promise of flexible hours because I am a wizard in sales. My ability to make good numbers keeps my wife and I afloat with my commissions.
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countrymouse, I think calling the parents' choices a serious miscalculation is just too kind. It sounds to me like a calculated, selfish move on their part with no real consideration of James and his wife's young marriage, their sanity, and future happiness. This also sounds to me like a clear message that the parents will one day expect James and his wife to do for them what they are doing for his grandmother. I don't think such a mindset can be negotiated with. This is another good reason for not doing business with family. Things get messy. Imagine how much messier things would be if James' wife was pregnant or if they had a young child? Sounds to me like this is a loyalty to family game with the choice being grandmother and parents or your wife and your life. I don't think you are going to be able to change your parents. I think you need to cut your losses and move forward with your wife and your own life out from underneath this crazy situation. Your parents will figure out what to do with your dad's mom.
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I completely agree that this situation can't go on as it is. I also agree that James's parents are making unreasonable demands on James and his wife and it has to change.

What I don't agree about - or not necessarily, it depends on other factors - is that it is necessary or desirable for a 23 year old who, up until the grandmother's arrival, was both benefiting from and contributing to a successful, supportive family enterprise to jettison the lot, jeopardise his and his wife's relationship with his parents and head for the hills.

The parents have clearly made a serious miscalculation about what it would take to "save" Grandmother from a fate worse than death i.e. a nursing home. Their threat to make their children's employment retrospectively conditional on providing care was also badly misjudged and grossly unfair. But James and his wife are benefiting from housing, flexible employment and support to continue their studies, all without having to negotiate loans or deal with less sympathetic employers - they would be giving up important advantages if they were to cut and run.

More tentatively, but I think it's also worth pointing out that James's parents offered him and his wife a home, employment and support for their future. That offer was, presumably, accepted with both hands. I repeat that I disagree with their then demanding payback in the way that they seem to have done, but on the other hand you can see why they might feel that they are owed some kind of reciprocation. It's a question of what's reasonable, and what James and his wife can fairly be expected to contribute to the grandmother's care. Not their sanity, their young marriage, their future happiness, that's for sure - but maybe something. Why not negotiate?

I repeat, things can't continue as they are. But there could be other, better options besides a) stay and put up with it or b) get out of there now. So - I wouldn't be too hasty.
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No more info needed...you both are being used and abused by your parents. Your grandmother is their responsibility. Move out, get other jobs, student loans and get on with your life and education.

By being so dependent on your parents you have no choice in the matter. You initially said NO to being a caregiver; they made threats and here you are....still tied to the apron strings. Hard to believe you came out of the military so willing to become a child again! It could be a tough few years once you accept responsibility for your own future. But what a sense of accomplishment! Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage, happiness, independence and self esteem for a paycheck? Good luck. Being an adult is not always easy!
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When I was 23 I had two children, thought I knew everything, and thought my youth was over. I was in a such a damn' hurry. The point of this observation is to reassure you that you have *so* much time in hand. To both you and your wife, the first thing I would say is "don't panic."

I am sorry - for you, please note - that you have these feelings about your grandmother. They are horrible feelings to have, especially in a decent person with a strong sense of duty, such as you. They do not make you evil: they reflect the stress you are under, that your poor grandmother is the innocent cause of.

Could you say a little more, please? I have some questions: how long has your family been dealing with this situation? How old is your grandmother? Are you and your wife living actually in your parents' house? How long have you been married? Were you together while you were serving? That's enough questions! - I'll wait to hear from you.
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As long as you are dependent upon your parents for your income you are going to be over a barrel. I agree with jeannegibbs, find another job so you can get out from under this obligation to your parents. They're just going to have to find another solution for your grandmother.
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