Follow
Share

Mom has been in NH for 2 years now; I live the closest and so visit the most--at least 2/3 a week--and I still have to force myself to go every single time; still feel guilty that I don't go more often, still hate myself when I have to say goodbye to mom and leave on each visit...and now that Christmas #3 in NH is looming, feel dreadfully sad and hopeless.

Does anyone else feel this way?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Yes, there are many of us that feel this way. My mother lived with me for 25 years and helped take care of us. I remarried 19 years ago, and she remained with us. Yes, my husband is a saint. When she became a fall hazard and was waking us up every hour on the hour, it was time for her to go to assisted living. She is starting her third year of being miserable, and I feel that is her choice. I found a wonderful small house that is clean and serves good meals. They dote on her. I visit twice a week, but I now have a life. I used to feel guilty, but no more.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes. I dread every single visit. It's not that I'm heartless, but all my mom does the entire visit is cry and wail and look miserable. I leave depressed and down every time and wonder why I'm continuing to subject myself to that.. It's not like my mom was happy before she got in there. My mom has been dissatisfied, unhappy and miserable for as long as I have memories. I honestly can't remember a time when anything or anyone pleased or satisfied her. Nothing I did caring for her for over a decade seemed to make a difference and I went above and beyond, and did contortions trying to make her happy, to no avail. I finally just gave up. We, my oldest son and I, used to visit several times a week, but it felt like being tortured. It's hard when you're hoping that your efforts, be it at home caring for her, or in the NH when you can't anymore, will at least do SOMETHING to make SOME good difference...but they just...don't. It's like my mom has been determined, come hell or high water, to have some damn thing to bitch and moan about, and if there wasn't anything, damned if she wouldn't FIND something. I just see her behavior in the NH as more of the same, and frankly, I'm worn out from it. My son Sean, who's had a much better relationship with her than I ever did, even said that being around her anymore and just wears him out and that he dreads having to go see her because of her behavior... She's driven us off with her endless non stop misery. Do I feel guilty for not visiting as often or placing my mom to begin with? Hell no. I tried to make her happy, to do something, anything to please her....for 48 freaking years, and over a decade of care giving so she could stay home, going out of my way so many different ways to bring her some peace or at least contentment...and she was still a miserable old bitch no matter what I, or anyone else for that matter, did for her. She can be miserable by herself now. I only visit once a week now and I feel no guilt whatsoever.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Again I say it's the guilt that effects us the most!

It's better to give than receive...Try to look at the visit as something you are doing for Dad, not something for yourself.

I struggle with guilt every day..I hope I can learn from my own advice. LOL
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I would only like to say go whe you can do not feel guilty but go unannounced at night I have worked in nursing homes
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I ate a lot of candy bars as self-bribes when I was visiting someone in the NH. It is hard.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

if mom is doing well in there thats the most important thing. i dont mind visiting aunt in nh as im not her pri caregiver. no duties just quality visiting time. i brought her to my basement bunker a couple weeks ago and we just sat and grooved on the open fireplace for a couple hours. admittedly shes pretty intelligent, sweet and low key.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Absolutely..! My dad was in a NH that was on my route home from work.. I would say to myself, "going to see dad today", then drive right past it and go home.. I was tired.. The visits weren't fun and always the same.. I always felt guilty going home.. My brother and I made a deal.. We would go together every Sunday for 2 - 3 hours.. Worked out well for us, but I know my dad wanted to see us more.. If his state of mind was not impacted by dementia, he probably would be on our side..

Don't feel bad..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.