Can you force someone to see a doctor?

Congratulations, Heidi! A better paid job is great news, well done you for going for it! Note: I agree with you, so to get you off to a good start the new job is all I'm concentrating on too :)

Your parent can refuse all medical help. That is the law. The law also will arrest you for elder abuse and neglect if she or anyone else falsely accuses you of not seeking medical help or denying the parent medical attention. I was threatened with denying medical help when EMTs showed up for a 911 call as the parent was bed ridden for over a week deathly ill. the parent refused to allow them in the house. I did open up the window for them to talk to her, she demanded them to go away. Before they left, the EMTs tried to get me to sign some papers, I refused as should any of you. You would be held accountable, yet again, should the parent have severe complications or even die. The "elder abuse" laws are completely flawed. Your arrest will be considered a felony.
Your life will be destroyed.

I am trying to keep more distance from my mom. I think she and I are having an unofficial standoff. All she seems to want is for me to go pick up pills or cigarettes or junk food. I tried to get her to give me a shopping list -- you know, for milk, eggs, fruit, that sort of thing -- so she has a balanced diet in addition to her xanax and cigarettes. Nothing. "I don't have time." I don't know how a 10-minute task can eat up weeks of her time. I'm staying away -- again. I made a doctor appointment for her Wednesday morning, before I go to work. Oh no! Impossible, she says, and she calls and changes it. I told her then, she's on her own. I'm not changing my work schedule around because my mom can't go anywhere until she's sat on her butt for four hours and smoked a pack of cigarettes, emptied her bowels and drank a pot of coffee. I've already taken time off to take her to the hospital or urgent care. But this can't go on. I was sick with a nasty cold last week, coughing so hard it actually made my head and chest feel about to burst, and all she wanted to do was call and complain about her usual beefs against the doctor's and whatnot. To add icing, she complained about "how nasty" the senior ride program people were to her. I've called them and they were nice when I sought information. Her main gripe: That they wouldn't pick her up at her time and take her to the spot she wanted to go to. It costs $1 round trip to use the service. What does she expect? Then take a cab or hire a driver to taxi her around for $10 an hour and give a couple extra for gas money. She closes her world up and then gets furious that no one is bowing to her will. And of course, she is most angry at me about it. As usual. I swear she never wanted a daughter, but just an errand person! OK, done venting. I needed that. But I just don't get it: How can someone not want to leave their place for weeks on end? And meals on wheels is no good. Their menus are unacceptable to her because they serve things like pasta!

Heidi, my dad was like that. He would make appointments for himself (before he had his stroke). I would take leave from work. And on the the day of his appointment, he decides to not go. He doesn't tell me. I have to wonder why he's not dressing up for his appointment. "Oh, I decided not to go." This happened so many times, that I finally put my foot down. From now on, all medical appointments be made on Sunday mornings (the clinic opens half day- in the mornings.) If he needs to go to the dentist, then it has to be on Saturdays. I give him the Saturday mornings I'm off work, or he makes the appointment in the afternoon (dentist office opens all day Saturday). This way whether he goes or not doesn't affect my job.

He used to take the taxi because he refused to drive after he almost got into an accidents twice while driving. He would complain about the cost of the taxi ($10).

With regards to grocery, can you just buy your mom the essentials? Just automatically buy what she eats the most - that is not junk food. Then it's up to her to eat it or not. Keep all receipts, photocopy it if it's one of those cheap receipts that fade in time.

Bookluvr (love the name), I'm drawing some lines with my mom. I told her I can't take her in the afternoons because that's when I work. (Usually I can manage to get her to an 8 or 9 a.m. appointment and just be a bit late for work.) I know it's harder for older folks, but the thing that frustrates me most with my mom is she makes it all about herself. "I need this now ... or else!" One time she threatened to hang herself if she didn't get her cigarettes by noon. Things like that, they wear good humor and patience way down. I do try and pick up odds and ends for her, but honestly some days I just wish I could never have anything to do with her again. She tried as a mom but had struggles with drinking heavily for some years and she shows all the sings of a narcissistic personality disorder, so I've just gotten to the point where it feels like drudgery. It's all accusations, demands, etc., and I have the hardest time seeing her as an elderly lady who might really need help.

So frustrated! I was going to take my mom shopping Sunday since she needs a lot of stuff and it's impossible to get her to write a list. (She'll lose it or something.) She calls today and says she has to cancel. Her legs are swelling up really badly. Since her blood pressure has been high in the past and low lately, plus she has other issues (mild dementia, a stroke 10 years ago, smokes, diabetic, etc.) I ask if she'd like to get in to see her doctor. No, she does not. After talking to her for a few minutes I see she pretty much just wants to talk -- not have a conversation, but just talk -- and is ranting about this or that.
One of her friends just died on Sunday and another friend is getting a big flower arrangement to send to the family and all my mom can do is rant about her $15 cut. She is convinced this is a racket. Well, don't send the money then. Easy as that. She still has to go on. Finally I change the subject and ask again if she is willing to see the doctor about the legs swelling. No. But she assures me she's going to die very soon and I need to call her once a week so she doesn't just rot there. Never mind that I've spoken to her every other day for the last few weeks! So she wants attention but I'm frustrated because I'm trying to work and am too dumb to just cut the call short. She assures me this time she really is going to die soon. I don't know anymore. She's been dying from something for 30 years. It's crying wolf. She always gets "sick" or "near death" when she wants attention. One day she'll die and it'll be like the wolf finally came.
Is it cruel of me to say sometimes I wish she would die? If it was someone who wasn't bitter about $15 for a funeral flower arrangement or who had made-up ailments half the time or who accuses me of being mental or having my period every time I'm too quiet (or I'm too like my dad, who's been dead for 25 years) or a little too firm on the phone it'd be one thing, but this version ... I don't like her very much!

Heidi, your mother needs to see a doctor. Is she on a diuretic? Is she taking it?? The thing is, this could be heart or respiratory failure and - understandably turbulent emotions aside - you don't actually want her to die unnecessarily. If she won't agree, call her doctor yourself and describe what your mother's told you. With a bit of luck, her doctor will be the militant kind who'll call her and take no nonsense. Good luck!

Countrymouse, you might be right. My mom could be having serious troubles, but one thing has me cautious, and that's that one of her friends died about a week ago. My mom has shown no grief. Only response from her is she's complained about being asked to contribute $15 toward a big flower arrangement. (The funeral is out of state.) I strongly suspect part of her dark mood is due to that. She heard "Margaret died" and instead of being sad she just heard the word "died" and is thinking she's soon to die in some sort of odd transferrence. Or, my mom could just be annoyed about the attention (sounds cruel, I know) and is kicking up a fuss. My mom loves to be the center of attention and any situation that takes it from her is not welcome. But I can give her doctor a call and give a report, see what they suggest. It's just frustrating to deal with her. She could use so much help and refuses anything practical. My mother-in-law just had surgery and my mom sniffed, "What? Does she want to live forever?" Um ... well, this lady enjoys her life, so she wants to enjoy it pain-free and as mobile as possible!
All I can say is I'm very angry and frustrated about the whole situation with my mom. I was in therapy a few years back and stopped when my husband was laid off and we lost our good insurance but I'm going to see how much it costs out-of-pocket. If I can swing it or find something affordable, I'm going to try and go again. This whole situation is making me too angry and bitter and that's not going to help anyone.

Darling Heidi, I do understand the frustration and exasperation :(

The only thing is, she's told you, now, about her legs (would have been better if she hadn't, given that she then refuses to do anything about it, but there it is - she has). And you've put it on the forum. And we know, and you know, that - assuming it is true that her legs are really badly swollen, and she doesn't just mean her ankles are a bit puffy after a hard day's ironing - this is a major symptom. Which means that doing nothing, while still an option, might be something you later regret.

The thing is, if it were me and not you, I'd be free to think "well, okay, you don't want to see a doctor, it's your life, I'm calling your bluff" - it wouldn't turn round and kick me in the b.t.m. if anything were to happen to her.

I don't know why I'm whittering on at you. Hope the doctor can get something moving and that, either way, your mother gets whatever medical attention she does want. I expect the truth is she has very mixed feelings about carrying on, sometimes - after all, don't we all, at least a bit?

Sorry, I'm half asleep - I didn't mean I'm tougher than you and wouldn't worry if my mother had a major symptom, which is what I sound like back there - I meant if I were talking about someone other than my mother, someone not personally known to me.

I'm going to go and have some coffee. Morning everyone!

my husband has a mental disability but he refuses to go to a . wdoctotrhat can i do. he is getting violent now.

Since your husband is a danger to others, he needs to be reported. Call 911 and get help now.

Call the police. Call adult protective services or any group that helps abused spouses.

I had a problem like this with my husband who, it turned out, was dying of cancer. No one anywhere could figure out what was wrong and I finally I told him I was taking him to a teaching hospital in Philadelphia three hours away. Naturally he was NOT willing to go. So I gave him two choices - I said he could come with me "peacefully" or he could choose option two. I hired two men who would restrain him and take him - or he could come with just me. After the initial shock, he chose to go with me - he knew one way or another he was going - and he did. You may have to do the same thing because this was my only option. And I am glad I did bluff because it got him to go.

First, buy no cigarettes for her. Second, be smart. Tell her sweetly she needs to go to the doctor and you will taker her and then go to lunch. If she refuses, then tell her you have hired two people to take her to the doctor and she better know for sure they WILL get her to the doctor. Then ask which way would she prefer to go to the doctor. And then do it.

I don't believe you can under the current circumstances.

Recently (3 nights ago) my DH fell and hit his head, was bleeding and I had to call neighbors in to assist me in getting him up. The bleeding had already stopped and no cuts could be found. He refused to go to the ER as, in his words, "there is no cure for being 95.

I agreed as he was still in his right mind and not bleeding from the head wound. Instead I watched him carefully for signs of concussion which would have necessitated calling 911.

He fell again the next day in the bathroom, causing skin-tears on both arms. This time I was the one that knew the ER couldn't bandage him as well as I could, I've been doing it for 32 years. BUT, I took him to the doctor on Monday! They checked him over and he was ok.

I'm telling you this because as long as a person is in their right mind, I do believe they also have the right to make their own decisions. Had the need arisen, I would have overruled him and called for an ambulance.

By purchasing her cigarettes, you became an enabler - I believe it's called "co-dependent" and that I won't personally do. I was never able to get my mother to go to the doctor and told her all I could do was try and she wouldn't ever make me feel guilt. So when she called me, haughty as all get-out, telling me she had cancelled the doctor's appointment and not to come pick her up, I said I thought you would and told her to have a nice day.

Will this help you? I don't know. But at some point in life, children must grow up and not be afraid of their parents anymore. Respect is earned, not a birthright.

If your mother doesn't want to go to a physician, let her know that *whatever* it is her choice and go on with your day. It is what I did and I have no regrets. After her passing, I assisted my Dad for 7 years and he too had to learn to trust my judgement but that I would honor his decisions. I had no problems with him after that.

Bless your heart, I know you want what's best for your mom and like you I would be pushing for an X-ray. However it comes to the point where we are beating our heads against a wall and stressing ourselves out trying to take care of someone who doesn't want our care or concern. Don't beat yourself up, you are doing your best and that is all we can ask of ourselves. Pick your battles, some things just aren't worth the fight.

Stop! Get her her cigarettes and just let her be. When you change your behavior, she will change hers. Don't talk about carting her off anywhere. She will soon ask why you don't care. That will open a new avenue of communication. Cool it.