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My Mother passed away two years ago and my Dad has never fully recovered. He now has classic signs of dementia and is not taking care of himself or his home. He had told my sister and myself at one time that when the day came he would not fight us, however, he is now arguing and fighting to stay in his home. He has a long term care policy and we have found the perfect place for him close to my sister. My sister has his POA and has handled his finances for over a year. With the POA, can we "force" him to move and would we need to get help from an attorney to do this?

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Bottom line is that just because you have a POA doesn't mean you have jurisdiction or decision making over a parent's care. They must be determined by a doctor or other health authority that they can no longer manage their affairs or aren't capable of managing their health affairs.

If the parent voluntarily relinquishes their decision making to you, this isn't necessarily POA related. You don't need the POA if they say go ahead and take care of my bills, I've signed HIPPA and told dr to talk to you about my condition, etc....

You can't force parent to move somewhere or accept care and assistance legally. That was my experience.

I think everyone has to self examine their situation and long term prognosis for their loved one. I don't judge anyone here for their decisions. I admire those of you who make the tremendous sacrifice for caring for your loved ones full time in your home or theirs.

For many of us, we have full time jobs, family, live long distance or know ourselves well enough that we don't or won't have the skill set to manage our loved ones needs in the long run. Then there are those who have suffered emotional or physical abuse and don't want to recreate that unhealthy toxic environment.

If you think your parent is in danger or endangering others then talk with the dr or APS and ask for their help and options to get your parent cared for.
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You sound like you really want to do the best for your mom. Some people are not cut out for nursing homes. After my father passed away I would take my mom for weekend visits to her home, She never wanted to leave, thankfully due to her Alzheimers she would forget and return to my home with me. When she was lucid she clearly said , so what if I risk falling when its time for me to die I'm fine with that. She was an independent lady before her disease and the home will only work when she doesn't know the difference. My sisters placed her against her will too soon she did not adjust even after a month and was livid about her stay when she got out! This experience , the rift with my siblings has taught me to really consider carefully who I choose to be my POA. The hurried decision to place mom because everyone was busy and just wanted it delt with was an eyeopener and one that caught me off guard.
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The one thing my mother wants more is to die in her own home. No assisted living or nursing home. Living with me is not a viable option. As her DPOA and medical proxy I want so much to honor her wishes. Right now she is capable of living independently, but at 82 with COPD and mobility issues, I am not sure how long that situation could remain. It breaks my heart to think of moving her out of her home if it would come to that. She has financial assets, but that would maybe last a year and her pensions would only cover so much a month for in home care. Her only other asset is her home, where she wants to stay. I pray she can live out her remaining years at home with her quality of life and then pass over. If a reverse mortgage needs to be done to keep her at home then so be it. No inheritence is worth taking an elderly person out of their home if it can be made possible.
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Yes you are right homecare can be expensive , and isn't an option for everyone. I have heard of wonderful eldercaregivers who come from overseas who may be more affordable if they live in. In my mother's case she had more than enough to pay for care but my sisters were more concerned about preserving her assets for themselves.
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elizabethpadua,

I'm happy to hear your situation worked out well for you.

It's not all one-size cookie cutter, though I hope you realize. I belong to 'our society' and I was not quick to shut away my mother. In fact I am in the process of moving her to an assisted living place closer to me right now. It IS difficult, to say the least. We tried home care after my dad died, she lived with us, and now we're moving her again.

Home care would've been around $90,000 a year with Visiting Angels 24/7. That was not viable.

Assisted Living is $60,000. I visit my mom every other day and take care of her needs. If I'm not with her, I'm washing and ironing her clothes, making special treats, doing it all.

I think it's pretty rare that one can afford in home caregivers. Maybe if they sacrifice their life to pretty much 24/7, potty breaks all night long, and just a couple of hours to grocery shop, get the oil changed in the car, or see a dentist.

Heck, my mom's in an AL, and it's been tough getting to my eye doctor with all the drama going on. Of course, the move looms large. LOL

Getting her to a doctor girls on Friday. She's going to be a PITA big time. Then the state of MN has a long process for me to go through at private pay. Ship High In Transit (SHIT) It originated in the Navy, so I hear. LOL

Ladee, big loves sent your way. No church here lately. Almost 100 every day. Salivated at your rain. Don't want to see the crappin' water bill. Not the same as rain from Heaven, and it sure feels like it when it actually happens.

SA, Geez. My heart goes out to you. You keep talking about DNA. I don't want to freak you out, but it sounds like Adult Onset schitzophrenia. I know I butchered the word badl

That happens in their age range, usually when it comes out. They may well have some issues with you. I worry about that in my own situation. My guy seems okay. I made sure he came first. No matter how crazy mom was, he came first. He was and is my priority.

Last days of summer are coming up. Not the carefree Labor Day I remember.

Hell, it never was, school started the next day!

Much love, patience, a strong stomach, finding a good place that allows you quality sleep. That is hard for me. My mom is not doing well aniticipating her new logistics as far as placing her hand on the vanity. It is different.

I just have to see her through this.

My back is killing me, but we'll get through.
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Think about what is best for him. My sisters forced my mother into a home the day after my fathers funeral. She was desperate and even though she had Alzheimers was capable of choosing not to stay there. I took her out and she has been living with me 5 years. If I had had their cooperation I would have found in home care for her. 5 years later I am happy to report she has done well and I feel I've really helped her. The time to go into a home probably will happen within a year. Our society is too quick to shut away and let others deal with what we find difficult. There are wonderful in home cargivers who can give the best alternative. Alzheimers patients really do prefer to live their own lives with help as long as possible.
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@sunflo2- this is exactly what I am dealing with now. I have no POA and am an only child. Add alcoholism to this and driving..... I am powerless because of his refusal to admit anything is wrong. he thinks I am crazy and the Dr. is crazy.
What I am afraid of is that of his safety and potential safety of others.
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I am going to review the MPOA and DPOA I have for my Uncle. I was told the DPOA is immediate and it includes 3 clauses relating to medical management, so I think I would have the authority to place him in a facilitly if all else failed. Definitely review your legal documents and check with your attorney as well. I definitely agree with GrayMatter about checking the long-term care policy. Most of them do have a rider for home health care with a generous per day allowance. If you can set that up for your Dad.it will save a bundle of money until he is ready for the NH. The insurance agent should be able to guide you through the process. If not, check the folder the policy came in and call the carrier directly. Some carriers provide a health care coordinator of sorts and you will find the literature with the policy, including how to intitate the LTC claim.
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Have legal attorney review the POA. It would have to have medical provision and further, likely it requires person to be incompetent or incapable of managing their affairs. THIS HAS TO BE VERIFIED BY A DRS opinion not your opinion...unfortunately. If Dad is agreeable to a move then this is easy, if not, unless the dr dictates this as part of care plan for dads health and well being, you can't force him to do anything against his will. I've been in your shoes, and couldn't get dr to declare incompetency (although he diagnosed dementia and so did a psychiatrist), she won't move and she has fired any in home care we set up... Hopefully you will have better luck. Enlist drs help to talk with dad. Otherwise trial in home assistance. Last resort you can take him to court filing for guardianship but this is expensive, time consuming and he will still need independent medical and case worker evaluation...I hope you have better luck than I've had. Mom continues to live on her own and we have no legal rights until she gets in a healthcare crisis and drs declare incompetent so our medical POA can be invoked.
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There are two types of POA - Medical and Financial. Moving to an assisted living facility would be a medical decision. You could get adult protective services involved if you want to make the move to happen. However, check his long term care policy. Some policies will cover home care. If he had companion care and medication reminders would you feel like he was safe at home?
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