My mom has Alzheimer's and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going to see her and I have to force myself to go. Does anyone else have this problem?

I have been taking care of my mom from afar for the past 11 years after my dad died, only until last year did it get worse due to mentall stability. So I know what it means. She was always controlling and hate is a word that I became familiar with at an elevating rate as the years went on. I became ill in the first year not knowing it was her controlling me that made me ill. So every year I was wondering when this will end. I always seem to get ill before going over there on my ritual Sunday in which she would never ever let me deviate from.

I would say now that she's out of the house...which is the best conclusion..is to just as what a previous poster said...psych yourself up...suck it up....prescript or a cocktail..what ever it takes ...go for at least you can't take it anymore and then leave...and then go do something for yourself...go to a bookstore and peruse for an hour..have a good espresso and a beignet...treat yourself for a little bit afterwards...it may make it smooth over a bit, and then you will look forward to a visit because you have psyched yourself out that afterwards is a present to yourself....with your daughter perhaps say...okay sweetie how about afterwards we go to the nail salon and get tips and toes done? Or a pizza feast or a movie something fun. Just an idea.

Mother, that's all that I need to hear! I get all in the air when I go visit my dad - and for some reason I always go on Wednesdays and get agitated about it for the rest of the afternoon before I have to go to church tonight... not always a good plan b/c it dampers my mood a bit!

My mother lived with my family for five years and caring for her was very difficult. I finally had to place her in a nursing home, because her disabilities and behaviors were beyond my control. I visit her several times a week. Because of her many disabilities and emotional problems, but especially because of the difficulties I had with my brothers and sisters, I ended up being burned out. I am slowly healing, but each visit to the nursing home leaves me worn out and depressed. My husband was the first to comment that I always seem to feel ill on the days when I have visited her. He is right. I don't have any answers for this problem, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Mia, first of all - DON"T feel guilty.. you have to do what you have to do - what's right for you and for your family. I just got back from visiting my dad - I dread going each week. I need to go more often, but I cannot and will not go every day. He's critical and it's just not worth my time n effort. I went today to pay his March bill - private pay... and he saw me with a receipt... WHAT's THAT? he questions me and I just say, OH It's a receipt and talk about something else. He doesn't care nor understand where his money is going... It's a sad situation. I visit alone b/c he is so ugly with company... very few of family come see him..

Tina, just hang in there. Again, YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.. don't feel guilty about it..

I am preaching to myself.. I question my decision. I wonder if they are treating him right.. I wonder what his brother thinks.. I wonder what my brother (whom I never hear from) thinks... and then I don't care... it's a roller coaster of emotions... But I drag myself there to the nursing home outta duty and love.

Thanks Maggiesue,
I know what you mean. I hate it and her too. Which makes me feel even more guilty. I gave up 9 years of my life taking care of her, I didn't go anywhere except work and errands after my Dad passed away, and now I finally have it back. I am the only child so she moved in with me. When I do go see her I get constant calls she wants to come home, etc. It makes it even worse. My daughter even went 8 hrs away to college to get away from her before she went into the convalescent home. Now my daughter is back home and going to school near by. I am enjoying spending time alone with her, that is time we never had growing up becuase my Mom was ALWAYS there. But, the guilt is incredible. I feel damned if I do and damed if I don't.

Dad not that far gone. He's pissed with me for putting him in a home. Visits not getting better. I'll have to keep trying. For now I'm not visiting on my own.

I take Xanax before I visit with my 91 year old mother. Ask your doctor for a script. He or she will understand.

Yes, I want my life back too. I hate it and I hate her. But what are you going to do? These old people need to be looked after. It's the right thing to do.

I've found her dementia easier to deal with than her original personality. I tell her lies and they seem to satisfy her better than reality. Then she forgets and we move on to some other distraction.

I can understand this. My life started a downhill spiral when both my parents took ill in March 2007. Mom has dementia that has been getting gradually worse since 2000. Dad was taking care of her at their home in NJ (I'm in CT) but at 94 it was getting to be too much. She had a UTI and had fallen several times. I took time off from work to go to NJ. I got mom admitted to the hospital and started talking to dad about assisted living. Dad had hurt himself trying to pick mom up when she fell. I took him to the ER to be checked out. The attending prescribed a muscle relaxer. After being in NJ for 5 days I returned to CT.

I got a call that night from dad that was incoherent. I called a neighbor and a cousin that live in NJ and dad was hospitalized. It turned out to ba a bad reaction to the meds. So they were both in the hospital and I had to return to NJ. Eventually they were both released to a conv home. the social worker determined they should not live alone. To get them out I arranged for an assisted living apt here in CT. After I got them moved in Dad was a royal PITA. Wvery few days I'd get a call that he wasn't going to stay and had to take time off to meet with the facility staff. My boss told me I had an attendance problem. Eventually I moved my parents into my house (BIG mistake). I was eventually laid off from my job. The time I had to take off was a factor in the decision to vote me off the island. Mom is now in a nursing home and really doesn't know who I am. Dad still lives with me. I feel bitter that my life has been taken over by them. I have yet to hear a "thank you" for what I have done to make them comfortable. I interact with my father as little as possible. 3 times a week he takes a the dial a ride to the senior center then to the NH to visit mom. I can feel my BP rise when I have to go pick him up. I just want my life back.

Mia, it's perfectly understandable the way you feel. You are so honest. You had your mother in your home for nine years, and now it is only natural that you are feeling the way you are---that you like having your space and so forth. You have given your mother so much of your time and love, and now you can give it to her in a new and different way. Someone suggested making your visits short. That sounds like a good idea. You could think of it like just "ducking in" for a few minutes to say "Hi." Maybe then you wouldn't dread the visits so much. My Dad has dementia and there are times when I make my daily telephone call to him, or when I visit him, that I discover that he is in one of his bad moods that day, and the call/visit leaves me feeling depressed. It's depressing to me to hear my dear father saying ugly, negative things, and sounding nothing like his former self. My Dad was the kind of man who was the "life of the party", who was kind and thoughtful and considerate of others, and had the best manners. He is now like a different person, due to the personality change in him. At this point in his disease, we are still able to experience moments of love, and I hope that is the case for you and your Mom, in some way.

My dad just gone into care, am visiting most days. Don't want to, to be honest I dread the visits. I am getting pressure from him to let him return home. I refuse to have him back and my husband won't have him through the door now he's gone. Need to continue visiting though hope it will get better.

Mia I too find myself hesitant when I go see my mom. Frankly sometimes I just flat out don't want to go. She's in her own home with a care-giver 12 hours a day. My sister and her family live there with her, (16 years they've been there).

She had a stroke last October and is bedridden. She is in the beginning stages of Dem/Alz and now thinks people are stealing from her.

I have my own place and she will call me and call me, and call me several times during the day so finally I go over(it's a long story) but most times when I get to her front door I start having the feelings of depression. Then when I get to her room, my whole body just seems like it wants to give out. But then she starts asking me to do this and that, and this, and that and I forget to breathe and I forget everything else, cause I don't have time.

Yes it is understandable how you feel like that but you must remember that the care takers at your moms facility need to know that your mom has someone so they will treat her with dignity and respect. If they think no one will come, no one gives a darn I wouldn't want to think how they would treat her.

I may say the total opposite of what others may say to you but I say suck it all in, and get over there to see your mom. Even if you can't stay long, go! Sometimes stay a while, and sometimes a little. That way the staff never knows what to expect. Keep them guessing but go see your mom. It's OK if your 19 yr old doesn't want to go, my 21 yr old doesn't like going with me either, can't really take her that way. I understand and don't force him.

Oh here's something else that might work prior to going to visiting your mom ----V-O-D-K-A!!!! :):):):):)