My mom has Alzheimer's and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going to see her and I have to force myself to go. Does anyone else have this problem?

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement Anne123. It is nice to be able to vent and share stories with others who have similar experiences. Somehow it gives one the strength to keep on going when you know that you are not alone.

ditto, Pirate gal!!

PirateGal, you are right. Your mom needs to go to a nice assisted living. They can offer 24-7 care for her. You can gain a peace of mind and your Mom will have someone to attend to her every whim and need, real or not.

Neither of my parents had to deal with their parents. My dads parents died when he was young and my mom moved away to marry my dad and left her siblings to care for her mom in another country. So when my dad was ill I and my mom was there to care for him in his last month (melanoma) and now I have been tending to my mom's nees for the past 11 but the past 6 months has been declining and loosing her power and control over me. I don't know what to do with her because she is like a roller coaster..I never know if her mental faculties are gone or not or if she's really ill or not. Going day by day. I think the best is for her to go into a nice home where they can attend to her every whim and need real or not, cause I go to work everyday. So...going by day by day.

Dedestock, You are doing the best you can with your mother. It sounds like she, as many other elderly parents, is not entirely rational. My mother had her marbles pretty well until she died, but even she was starting to say irrational, unkind things to me. During her last months on earth, she said to me in a threatening way: "Just wait till YOU are old!" I felt sad that I was hearing my Mom ( always a classy lady) talk to me in an immature way, but I chalked it up to mental decline. The comment you describe that your mother said to you is truly unkind and unjust. If it helps, try to picture a pile of jewels in heaven, piling up higher and higher each time you bear a burdensome comment from your mother, or do something for her that you are not thanked for. I believe you will receive a big reward some day in Heaven. I hope that you are able to experience loving moments with your Mom still, and that she is sometimes reasonable and kind to you.

I go to the nursing home alone - he berates me in front of company and I don't subject my kids to that negativity... they hear enough of my complaining at home.. He's rude, insensitive and such. I am getting a little better about letting it roll off my back... a little.. some visits I just cry all the way home or stop n get fast food... Did I mention that my mom waited on my dad hand and foot and that I wasn't about to??? Don't get me started on my soapbox...I am gigglebox, afterall. Laugh to keep from crying, y'all! !!! Chin up!

Meanwhile, I am sending prayers up so that blessings will come down. It;s a hard road to travel...and it's easy to be angry! I know how you feel and so do so many others on this message board! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Almost four years later, my dad in his 80's, was put into a nursing home. He made it almost 2 years of living alone without my mom. A fall led to hospital stay to rehab to permanent placement in a nursing home. That's my story... sorry to repeat myself.

Maggiesue, my relationship with God has changed as well. Although, I still believe and I still pray. I have stopped going to church and am angry a lot. It was just for my burden, but as I see more and more people going through the same sort of thing, I am angry for everyone's burden. I don't know about your mom, but mine had a great life. Never had to care for her aging mother (she does like to point out that she visited once a year - ha), she traveled, my father waited on her hand and foot and frankly, I'm jealous, that she lived such a carefree life and I have never had that chance... I'm angry with God that so many of us have to go through this with our angry and bitter parents. I think that I deserve to have a happy life too and at 52, I would like to start it now!! She is just so mean and ugly.... no matter what I do, it is not enough.. We had gone on a vacation one time, me and my daughter and her, and she was so mad about the hotel I had chosen that she told me to "get my ugly face away from her".. I always hope that my daughter is not listening or hearing, but later (much later), I made some comment about my looks and my daughter told me that I didn't have to listen to what grandma says and that I am not ugly... it was so sweet of her, but so sad that she has to hear that ugliness so often. I am now severly limiting the amount of time, my kids are subjected to her and that is making her royally mad... "I'm mean to her, How dare I keep my children away from her. I'm the one that has put all of these ideas in their head about her being mean, etc....."
Sorry to ramble, Maggiesue. It does make everyone feel slightly better knowing that we are not alone, but it certainly doesn't solve the horrible situations that we are in..
Have a lovely evening and keep your chin up!

I hadn't been in a nursing home in several years since my Mamaw passed away - truthfully, who goes unless they absolutely have to. I was ten at the time... Thirty years later my mom was dying of colon cancer and we had to put her in a nursing home.. she lived there only five days. Hospice wasn't called in per my dad's request... so it was borne alone. I sang hymns to her and read Scripture to her in her last days. Absolutely nothing that I regret, like you said naheaton. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding me of mine. May God bless you- and you probably gave Grandpa a break as well! Truthfully, we do go visit for ourselves sometimes and not for them. Needed that reminder! Thank you!

When my grandma was in the nursing home, I used to go see her whenever I could. Grandpa would sit with her, from morning till evening, all day every day. She had her wits about her at first, then started having strokes that caused her to sleep most of the time. The granny I used to know was gone, but I still went. I went for myself, not her. She didn't even know I was there. Many times after grandpa had gone home, I would come in the evenings and sit by her side and quietly sing her favorite hymns. I guess looking back, it was my way of saying goodbye to her. I will never regret those times sitting by her while she laid in that nursing home dying.
I have to admit though, it was a decade at least before I could go into a nursing home again.

Maggie Sue, having been there and done that, I want to tell you not to give up hope in God... He is there for you... don't look to other people or other things and don't look for God in these idols, either... I don't know what else to say but I am praying for you... I have been burned out on life as well - not caregiver-related, however. You are NOT a jerk - being a caregiver takes patience, love, and unselfishness... you have a loving spirit or you wouldn't be here... you are just quite tired and worn out and perhaps very bitter at life... Again, I am praying for you... and not just saying that, either...

I salute the caregivers, too.. all of these postings make me realize that I am not alone in this... we have to pray and press on and do the best that we can, the best that we know how to do... Limits.. balance.. this is what life is all about, isn't it?

Grateful for these Caregiver Connections.. remember your friends and your family (those that care!) and move on the best that you can.... don't forget to take care of you..

As for the CAREGIVEE's negative comments and criticism, let it roll off the back the best way that you know how. The verbal abuse stinks... now my dad has got it into his head that he wants us to go out and eat! He's not been out of his nursing home since he got there and has one visit from his bro and wife... if they want to take him, more power to them... I can't move the man! He can't walk, he uses depends, and my stomach churns at the thought of our last meal together. I tried to eat Thanksgiving with him in his room - and I won't do it again.. he won't eat in the cafeteria with the droolers.. well, let's just say he needs a bib as well.

My mother won't take Lexapro as she says she loses her edge. She has been on it twice and it changed her peronality both times into someone who was calmer and easier to work with.

Because her behavior has been a lifetime of complaining, demanding and being mean, when she takes the Lexapro, she doesn't know who she is and it scares her. Once she started losing cognitive and social skills she now has nothing left except the witchy personality.

I am getting old and trying to decide how and where I want to spend my final years. I go on Medicare at the end of this year. It's hard to believe that I have this horrid burden to drag around behind me as I get closer and closer to my own death. I too, Dede, have wondered why the evil persist and those with goodness in their hearts are taken by death and disease.

My whole relationship with God has changed in the last 7 years while caring for my mother. I just don't have belief in spirit anymore. At my time of life I'm supposed to have some wisdom, but I feel like a burned out jerk.

I have been through many problems in life, including having cancer and raising two children all the way through to adulthood (including all the vicissitudes of the teenage years) ..... And moving my elderly father ( who has dementia) ) from one "home" to another home was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever been through. It pushed me to limits I didn't know I had, and nearly did me in. I had no idea that my toughest challenge in life was "up ahead" as I entered my 50's. Finding this website has been a Godsend for me, as I have been able to validate my feelings and experiences. I love my father more than life itself and will give to him unceasingly----and this was part of the problem---I was getting sick myself because I am committed to keep on giving to my father. I had to realize that I was making myself sick by over-giving to my Dad, and I needed to set limits and take care of myself. I salute each and every one of the caregivers on this site.

dedestock - my mom has been on everything too and none of it works. She is on Antivan, Celexa and Lexapro for anxiety and depression and Risperdal for paranoia and audio hallucianations. None of the meds do a thing for her.

My heart stops pumping and I feel as though I cannot breathe at the thought of talking to her on the phone, orhaving to take her somewhere....I also realize that part of this is due to aging, but I have seen people age gracefully and this is not it!

I'm sorry to hear that, dedestock.
Chin up to all of us! You can only understand what being a caregiver is when you are one!

I never know how I am going to find my mother feeling every time I go to visit. I start to shake ever time I pull into the parking lot. I she is in pretty good shape then I feel okay; if not, then I become depressed. It is not her fault, it is part of aging. I wish I could make her better, but I can't. I took me awhile to accept that.

Elizza - my mom has been on every anti-depressant and anti anxiety known to man - none work!

I hope everyone who has a difficult-to-the-max parent has explored zoloft or some such drug with a doctor who can prescribe these for your parent. It is a BIG help and you will enjoy your parent if they become more laid back.

Maggiesue - you are the first person that has expressed exactly what I feel.. I hate it and I hate her! I hate that she feels she should be the first and most important thing in my life, I hate that I have missed so much of my children's lives because I am always having to deal with her issues. Even though she doesn't live with us.. constant phone calls, drs. appts. and her demands to be with me and my family. She says that she is their grandmother and they "have" to love her. How do you love someone who makes you sick? My family has actually walked out of restaurants because she was being so verbally abusive "loudly" that the embarrasement and public humiliation forces them to walk out and then I am forced to stay, pay the bill and apologize to the staff.. we obviously won't be doing that often anymore, but all she can talk about is why we won't take her out to eat... why don't the grandchildren like her? why am I so mean to her? she has NEVER done anything to deserve this type of treatment... I have been at her beck and call for 10 years now, my children, my husband and our finances have suffered drastically because of it... I'm at my wits end.. don't know why good/young people die, while the miserable, evil continue to live and thrive while sucking the lives from their families...

I know being a caregiver is tough - I am one. But I think we are sometimes depressed for ourselves - we are mourning the loss of our parents and take it out on them! It is not their fault that they are old and incapable. They have lousy moods. . . but do you want to think of all you did as a kid that they put up with?
I am trying to say - this is life! We are cheating ourselves and our parents if we give in to the depression and anger. Let's take it 5 minutes at a time and it is then something we can deal with.

Your feelings are absolutely valid and that is all I can tell you. Don't deal with the guilt or it can drive you crazy. Just know you are not alone, there are millions of us who feel the same way and won't admit it. Just take care of your own mental and physical health or somebody will be visiting or not, You in a nursing home. God bless you

dwestlake,
With your Mom in the nursing home it sounds like your father needs to be there as well, no matter what you have to tell him to get him there. You, as the caregiver, have done all you can. You do need your life back - or you will loose it. My doctor said I was becoming sicker than my mom. You can give it all to them if you're not careful. And, yes they can become mean and hateful and that is even more reason to have them placed. You don't need the stress. You say you feel your BP go up just to go pick him up. That is exactly what is happening.

I have a prescription for Xanax for those times which are especially stressful with my Dad, or else a time when for some reason I will be "trapped" with him for several uninterrupted hours. It works for me.

When my dad was at home he would call several times a day and he would forget that he just called. I AM at home, but I sure don't do nothing all day.. and he wanted me over there all of the time to help him with something. He doesn't have a phone in his room and family members suggested a cell - which is something he couldn't keep up with nor could he use!

It is a cycle of sorts - and very frustrating!

Its hard, my Mom thinks I stay at home and do nothing all day. She doesn't remember I work. She calls my home phone crying at 9:30 in the am and the aides are dialing for her. Hello, I'm at work. Don't get the message until 530pm when I get home. When I call her, of course, she doesn't remember calling and leaving a message and insists it was her. LOL. She eats dinner at 5pm and then takes a nap right after until 9pm and then walks around the home and goes back to bed. I call, she's asleep. It's very frustrating and after I talk to her, she calls constantly asking to come home. And is starts all over again.

Lach, you need a mani pedi and I don't know how you can get one! I also don't know what to say.. I am solo caregiver but dad is in nursing home, so I pay for it... my brother is of no help other than criticism and spreadsheets... this is not a business! Is a nursing home an option? Just a thought... again, I don't know your situation... my dad was a fall risk and a trip to the hospital led him to rehab at nursing home where he refused rehab so he's there to stay.. that's my story... much simpler than many that I read on here! All I can truthfully say is that I pray for all of you! Let 1, 3 and 5 know that you need a life, even if it falls on deaf ears... I know how that is! "I understand that you have been through a lot lately"... don't get me started on my soapbox! (After all, my name is Gigglebox !)

A mani pedi sounds good! Or pizza! I have learned not to feel guilty for ME time.. For example, I am not cooking supper tonight - we are eating at church - roast beef n taters! I have had a busy day and I don't have to do it all! We have to take care of ourselves first - it's not being selfish... it's all about balancing it all.... and I am still trying to figure that out! Hubby, kids, and dad... it's a lotta caregiving!

My mother was not the best person to be around when I was growing up. After I got married, (and she was older), she mellowed some and was easier to be around.

On to my m-i-l. She lives with us, because she's a fall risk and can't live by herself any longer. She's been living here since the end of September, 2008. She is now 78 yrs. old & has Alzheimer's (AD). Some days, she is pleasant. Some days, she doesn't know which end is up.

My situation is this: My oldest s-i-l only takes her for 2-4 hours/week. The second oldest s-i-l, is DPOA, and takes her o/n at least once/week or every other week. She's also a nurse. The third oldest s-i-l, only sees her 2-4 hours/month.
My husband is the only son and he is unemployed right now, so he helps out with her when he isn't looking for a job. My youngest s-i-l comes over and helps her take a shower. I am glad for any help, but #1, 3, & 5 don't take her o/n EVER. I feel like I don't have a life anymore. I feel like my husband & I don't have a life anymore.