My mom has Alzheimer's and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going to see her and I have to force myself to go. Does anyone else have this problem?

Glad to hear that you survived Giggle!!

Just now read your comment - we survived. Kids are older and we didn't take anything but the dentures. It was a lesson in oral hygiene - brush your teeth - ha!. We talked about school and what they had accomplished. Stayed an hour so we made it. Dad was in a good mood but he doesn't tolerate stuff so we didn't bring anything to draw attention away from him. And honey, it's always all about him. But he is proud of the excellent students - he just has a funny way of showing it... For example, he told my youngest, I don't have anything to give you but a hard way to go - enough said!!

The kids didn't get a trip to the store b/c they were so antsy - but we survived. Dad has me on my toes and anxious enough so we will save a trip to the store for another day!

Excellent suggestion, Mia! :)

Gigglebox: get some icecream and toppings napkins, and sprinkles, and go see PopPop! Even if they make a mess, a good time will be had by all! Bring some coloring books if the kids are young... or something for PopPop to help the kids play with. Even PLAYDOH is fine, and nontoxic.

If the kids are older and 'harder' to please, have THEM decide what they would like to bring to "DO" with PopPop, but they have to bring something!

Have them use their imagination, and tell them that PopPop's condition is not contagious, but a bad attitude is. Tell them you will reward them for every SMILE they see.

OH... and let them know that in a nursing home... kids are ROCK STARS!! Anything a kid does in a nursing home is relished by the elderly. They see their past in their actions! And its ALL good.

God bless Gigglebox...(I love the name)

robe4579
Your 'story' is very much like mine was (Mom passed on May 7th) and I have to say, that knowing "Mom" is/was in a safe place is/was MUCH better for everyone. Don't feel guilty.... but please continue to visit her.
NOT visiting is not the answer. We both know that. God bless you for being willing to walk into the 'mind field' .

Now about her 'wanting to go home with you'. This is very normal,and with the use of therapeutic lies you can easily side step those 'land mines' by calmly and happily letting her know that she "WILL" be able to come home.... right after you finish cleaning the carpets (use that one visit) or right after you get the car fixed.

Reassure her that she is in a very safe environment and that your 'home' is in a bit of an upheaval, so ask her for a little more time to get things in order. I know it seems like a sin to lie to someone, but believe me, they will feel better and God understands.

I found it helpful to have something FUN to do when you visit. Even a small puzzle, or a small snack and a warm cup of tea helps.

Now when its time to leave, just make sure she is 'occupied', never say 'goodbye' just let her know that you are running out to the store, and you will be right back, or you have to go to work, or you have to pickup the laundry or anything else and calmly leave, preferably when she isn't watching you leave. Ask the nurses assistant to help distract her when you are ready to leave.

So often we feel 'guilty' or panic when we have to visit our parents, husbands, or loved ones, not unlike what they must have felt when they had to take us to the doctors, or leave us at 'daycare' or school. The 'flight' response is very strong, BUT since we are not in any real danger, we should fight that response and go anyway.

If seeing your parent in a 'home' bothers you, make her room more personal. Ask what you can bring to make it more personal, even just a comforter or blanket may help.

What activities did you do with your parent in their home when you visited? Did you have tea and cookies? Lunch? Did you watch TV, or go for a walk, or have friends over? Why not try to recreate this activity with them where they are now?

I had little influence over my family and their visits, but hopefully I can help others that realize what is going on to VISIT!! We can't visit them after they are gone, and the guilt and pain that we will feel by not doing it now are much greater once they are gone.

Only you can decide what is best for you. I am not one to judge, but I do know that I made up for 'not' visiting my mother when she lived with my brother by going as OFTEN as I could when she was in the skilled nursing facility. And I am not sorry I did.

Even when 'brother' and I crossed paths in the nursing home, I just let him wheel Mom away from me, knowing that he would only be with her for 20 minutes, and I would have the rest of the day with her myself. He never gave me the time of day, but that's ok... I have my OWN watch!! :)

School's out for summer here so I am taking the kids with me to visit their grandpa in the nursing home. The stress is building. .. Not only that, he has broken his dentures so I have to go pick up his new ones at the dentist. I pray that they fit perfect. It is easier on me and the dentist not to have to transport him and have pee everywhere like we did when I used public transport for his wheelchair. Two hours and six pees later... added with his rudeness. OH MY! I am getting physically ill thinking about it... but here I go !

The problem I had with my son not going downstairs to see his grandma was that he felt like his grandma wasn't in there. Which she's not the same. I hate this disease! I wouldn't wish it on anyone, including my worst enemy! He'd go down and visit her every so often, but not as much as he used to after she asked him if he wanted to marry her that day.
You and I know it's only the disease talking, but it sounded strange coming from his grandma. She thought he was her husband, before they got married. He grew a little more apart from her, even though he knew it was the disease talking. For crying out loud, she used to watch him, buy him crayons and coloring books. Just think, if you're male, what would you think if your grandma asked you that? If you're female, what would you think if your grandpa asked you that?

I just can't deal with her going back to her childhood and thinking she has
to go to school and her parents are alive. I tried to get into that world, but I wasn't going to let me be sucked into her world completely or I'd lose myself.

She is such a sweetie and I love her for many reasons. 1) I was caring for her b/c it was a way of paying her back. She would take care of my son, when he was younger, 2) She would take me to work and take me grocery shopping 3) pick up my son from preschool, school if he was sick, karate, etc .

My mother has alzheimer's too, and often I will drive so far, and turn around and come back. I can't figure out why I do this, I love her and really want to see her. Is there someone else who could go with you? Please realize if you want your mother to get quality care in a nursing home you have to be present or you will find things in a terrible mess! At least that has been my experience and even if she can't say your name, she probably still knows you. Please go, find different times of day that work for you, find someone to support you and go too, fortunately my husband prods me along. I can't say it gets easier to go, but you are being a blessing to them!

My Mom is 83 - we thought the memory problems, etc. were a sign of getting older. She was hospitalized In April with Shingles, and than moved to rehab. Dementia was diagnosed in re-hab - they said after rehab, she could'nt live alone. She was supposed to be moved into the nursing home section today (they changed the day because of some ridiculous circumstances). I wanted to be with her when they moved her; this morning, I got sick to my stomach.
I think anne123 said it best - they are a different person now. Just like a kid who changes and develops a new personality, Mom has changed, too. My mother has forgotten my name, told me to leave after 10 minutes...She can't talk on the phone, but I call the nurses station often to find out how she is, I bring treats and flowers (she couldn't care less sometimes!). I'm trying to do the best I can for her - no one - including her - and including myself - could ask for more.
Dont "suck it all in" - don't make yourself sick. Your Mom is being taken care - go when you can.

My Mom was just placed in the most wonderful home. Her dementia is not as advanced as it is going to get. The state took custody of her and placed her. I feel so very fortunate that the home is very quiet, restful and caring. When I go visit her now it is much more enjoyable than when I went to see her at home. This place is clean whereas her house had gotten to the "horder stage". She thought her meds were being stolen and she constantly hid things in her house. Now that they are regulating her medication she is much better and wants to come stay with me. I feel like I am walking in a mine field and if I put my foot down one way I will blow her up and if I put my foot down the other way I will blow us both up. I am afraid to try to fight the state in court to "regain" custody and bring her home with me only to have to place her somewhere later that is not as good as this facility. The guilt is with me constantly. I am happy to have found this sight where others can help me with this.

maggiesue, thank you, if your comment was to me. I am rereading this now, after 8 hours, and find it quite melodramatic. Actually, I was experiencing anxiety about a family reunion. Dad's brother, SIL and niece drove from CO to MI to see him, along with a sister from lower MI, and I knew they'd include my mom. It went better than feared, in some respects, but was over quickly. But I'd take them all in a heartbeat in trade for what I have to deal with on an ongoing basis. O, my. Sorry to vent, but thanks for the support. I am thankful his brothers and sister love him and come to spend time with dad. That means so much to me.

I understand as I too have experienced the horror that family can create. Some days it just overwhelms. Take care. We are all here for you.

I would appreciate your prayer regarding anger, resentment and bitterness. I am struggling with an ungrateful, wrathful, lying, and vindictive mother, and a conniving, covetous, wicked sister, who are more interested in things that caring about family relationships. Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, and held everything together, as long as he could. I am his guardian/conservator, and am attempting to keep things going in the right direction, with a sister and mom fighting/striving against me. Ugly is polite terminology for what I have to deal with, including false accusations, backbiting, theft, legal battles, and worse.

I love my dad, and spend as much time at the nursing home as I can, but his wife (mom) rarely goes, and only for show. That is the worst part of all. Yes, it's difficult watching dad decline, and all the behaviors associated with Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, but the horrendous family dynamics are the biggest heartbreak of all. Thank God some people see it for what it is, but some do not, and they are part of the problem. Wednesday's child is full of woe, and I was born into adversity. I'm asking for strength to endure. Mom is declining in her cognitive abilities, and worsening in her envy and hate. My sister's greed and bitterness knows no bounds. I grieve. At least my dad still gives me hugs. No pity party here, just stark reality, and it's not pretty.

Ultimately, we stand before God. And he knows our heart, and who is doing right, and who is doing wrong. Ultimately, I hope to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Now, enter into thy rest." That is my great hope. Until then, I'll appreciate all the prayer support I can get. Thank you, and God speed, fellow caregivers.

Thanks for that advice, rliddle... yeah, I know about the siblings - those that are away (and do nothing but criticize) want the pay in the end! I had an auctioneer tell me that infamous quote. SO TRUE!... They will be there with theirs hands out! You have given me hope in my efforts not being wasted and that the bitterness and resentment will fade in time with the useless relatives! DO THE BEST YOU CAN! AMEN!

My Mother was in a nursing home for four years. It was a very good home. I cried every time I left her and it was because of the enormous guilt I felt. I only went once or twice a week and that was so difficult for me to do. She gradually faded away and there was no real relationship so I just stayed a short time. I don't know whether she had any real knowledge of life (does anyone know how much real thought is left when they are in the final stages of dimentia. ) Well anyway, my advice is: just do the best you can and it does end. That is when the siblings who wouldn't have anything to do with the situation will be on hand. They want to make sure they get whatever is left of the estate. It does make for bitterness, but after five years I finally can find it in my heart to forgive them. I'm proud of the effort I made.

Do what you can when you can. Taking a friend is a great idea - often helps with the whole ordeal or it can make it a fiasco (depends on your visitee's mood!! Dealing now with transport - my visitee broke his dentures!!

You don't have to stay long really just 30 minutes is enough. really. yes we get sick visiting my uncle's wife. I went once only and I never went back because she is not mother, if she were my mom, I would force myself also. so don't feel bad nor guilty because you get sick because you don't want to see her suffering. good luck.

short morning visits if you can. time it around PT and perhaps you can hang out while she does the therapy. staying no more than 1/2 hour to hour tops might be healthiest for you..

you have to forgive yourself. I found that it helps and take life a little lighter. It's true you can only do so much and just realize that. You've done alot already. I could not have had my mother at home that long, she's such a depressive person and that doesn't make me a bad person. I use to beat myself up over negative thoughts or verbal replys and found forgiveness helps. Mom doesn't mean to do what she does either and I now realize that. One day and a time.. that's all we have anyway. Live, Love and be happy-good to yourself and to those around you incuding mom which you are and have been doing.

i stopped seeing my mom in the hpspitol the day she leaned over to my dad and whispered, ' bill, who is that? she frightens me. who is that?' God, my heart sank and i was afraid to go back there. the last thing i want to do is scare an old lady!! ( i do look kind of scary, biker look about me) and then it was to the point when she was close to dying, i talked to my dad , i felt bad thinking i should go see her before she dies, but if she doesnt recognize me, i scare her, and the bottom line was i dont want the last image of her in my head to be her all messed up..if its gonna freak you out to the point your getting sick over it, dont go ! if shes asking about you though, thats kind of another thing, but if she doesnt recognize you anymore, then dont beat yourself up. if shes asking about you, then maybe take a friend or someone with you?
you can do this, we arent given things in life we cant handle...

I am a home attendant and I am taking care of lady with dementia. her daughter and granddaughter live with her and they are really helping caring for her. my job is to encourage her to eat because she has lost her appetite and she doesn't want to swallow even though all her food is blended. she get aggressive when I made her to eat, but when she hear her daughter's voice, she changes her personality completely to be nice again. she is bedridden, so I have to do everything for her. her two son are not going to visit her tomorrow being mother's day which I think is wrong, but definitively, I wouldn't like to see my mom with dementia, either because is very stressful. visiting your mom at least weekly is fine. It doesnt' have to be daily. my aunt has dem/alz and her daughters put her in a nursing home and she fall down twice/injuring her head/eyes/elbow/legs and they didn't do anything about it. she went to sleeps in another patient's bed because of her dementia and the staff allows her wonder inside the nursing home maybe another pt. beat her up . now she is bedridden and doesn't recognizes anybody. she tried to choke her husband and two times she got lost and the cops found her, so her daughters put her in a nursing home.

Dear chik, my heart goes out to you. I will tell you what I tell myself: you did the best you could, loved them, and provided for their needs in a responsible manner. Forget the words and images, and above all, forgive yourself!!! I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. That must hurt a lot. And your dad is not now who he once was, but it's not your fault, so you need to lighten up on yourself, sweetheart. From your words, you want the best for him. It is hard when we cant "make it all right," but we can't. See if forgiving yourself relieves some of your anxiety. Self-talk yourself into believing you are a loving daughter, who would do anything to help, if you could. And rest knowing you did! God bless you my dear. I do know what it feels like. I spend sleepless nights in anxiety. Saw my dad at his nursing home today, and it left me feeling quite down. But life is about more than their decline, though that is part of life. It's also about beauty, joy, forgiveness, and comforting others who are down.

I'm so glad you posted on this site. I hope that helps a little. If I were there, I'd offer you a cup of coffee and a hug. I'd attend a dementia support group with you. Know you're not alone. God cares, and I'm saying a prayer for you. Please keep writing. And please take care of yourself. You deserve to live free, and at peace. Hugs for all you're going through.

I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it was to move my parents (91 and 93) from Florida to Illinois.In assisted living,they were paying a small fortune monthly. They fought like cats and dogs in a one bedroom. They wanted to change "hotels" and go back to Fort Myers in the fall. Mom was moved to a memory unit.My dad went beserk trying to bust her out. He went to a behavioral hospital, fell and broke his hip and went to rehab after surgery. I drove my mom 68 miles round trip three times a week to see him. She was depressed because he didn't always recognize her. I got depressed seeing my once vibrant, active parents in diapers drooling. Mom went to a behavioral hospital when she refused to eat. I put the house on the market . After four months, I finally found a mediciad nursing home that would accept both. By this time, we were running out of money. The house sold a week before mom died of pneumonia. She looked so tiny and gray. I hated that it was my last visual of her. She died 5 weeks ago. My dad is unaware that she died. When I visit him, 48 miles round trip, he is usually asleep in his chair in the community room. I often can't wake him long enough to talk. The last words he said to me when he was coherent last year, " I don't know how you did it, but I know you are behind our incarceration". I have had severe anxiety attacks, asthma attacks, and gained 40 pounds self medicating with food. Their house sold for $175,000 less that it was worth 3 years ago but it will keep dad going for a while.
Both my parents would have hated to see themselves in chairs, wearing diapers and unable to feed themselves. They were proud strong people married seventy years. I get physically nauseated before my visits and deeply depressed after. The only other relatives are elderly and living in Florida. The nurses and cna's are great people. My parents were always clean and dressed properly when I visited. It's Mother's Day tomorrow and i'm in the fetal position sucking down ice cream. My life sux right now and I want to be free from the pressure.

Hello all! I am just now getting caught up on this thread - wow! Well, the quote of the week was 'Where the CAT HAIR have you been?" Talk about YAMMERING - I take one week off of spring break (even unplugged the computer when we got back) and I didn't hear the end of it! My goodness!

Life is so the drama - and I see that the drama has continued for all of us. OH - and he even called all of the relatives b/c I was missing in action (I let the answering machine pick up!) Do you know how annoying it is to be in Wal-Mart shopping and have your cell phone go off fifty times? GRRR!

Oh my! How I have missed you all!

Secret Sister, you are so right - it's all about BALANCE! And how I needed a break !!! A few days away and a few more hiding out at home with my family - it was wonderful!

wow this thread lasted a good long while....I dread everytime the phone rings cause it might be mommy dearest with her strung out delusion of constipation....NOT>..she's driving the caregiver nutz as well with this same stuff, even though the caregiver and I are constantly flushing down what the caregivers uses "BM"...LOL...so tired of hearing the drama over and over and over again.

I go to see my dad regularly. He knows me. He smiles when he sees me. He's pitiful, as far as mannerisms, but he's my dad. It really encourages staff to see us visit often. They always tell us how thankful they are. Who knows what my dad is thinking? I love to visit, though. He will fade gradually, but not without my visits. It is sad sometimes, but I'll have no regrets later. I do balance my life with lots of joy, and encouragement from friends. Prayer helps a LOT!

Mia,

I fully sympathize with not wanting to go. My Dad also has Alzheimer's, and lives 500+ miles away. I dread driving to the airport for another visit, dread making the phone calls. It truly hurts to give up control of one's life, but they do need oversight.

My GP put me on Celexa because it is an antidepressant with some amount of anti-anxiety activity. This has helped, and I also have Klonopin (anti-anxiety) which I take on the actual visits.

Other things that have helped - forcing myself to take time to walk on a regular basis, especially when I am at my Dad's home. Talking to friends and to my pastor.

I wish you all the best.

Medication isn't always the answer, but sometimes it can actually stop all the nastiness. Ask your parent's doctor.

I know it is difficult for many family members to go visit their loved ones at a nursing facility. It is even harder if you know that they are not going to remember it anyways. But force yourself to go regular even if only for a few minutes. I am a nurse who has worked in long term care and I know first hand how over worked the staff is. A nurse will be assigned 25 - 35 patients and the nursing assistants 8 - 12 patients each. Even in the best facility there is, even when intentions are the best, the resident that the staff knows has family coming for a visit are sure to get attention first because they do not want family complaints. I am not saying that someone who gets no visitors will be neglected and not cared for, but the staff will work harder if someone is checking up on things.

Sounds like what you'all are dealing with is DREAD. It's the same emotion that I feel every time I have to go to the doctor or dentist. But in my case, I throw a little diarrhea in for excitement. It's the knowledge that I HAVE to go, but I don't WANT to go. Good old DREAD. :(