My mom has Alzheimer's and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going to see her and I have to force myself to go. Does anyone else have this problem?

maggiesue, thank you, if your comment was to me. I am rereading this now, after 8 hours, and find it quite melodramatic. Actually, I was experiencing anxiety about a family reunion. Dad's brother, SIL and niece drove from CO to MI to see him, along with a sister from lower MI, and I knew they'd include my mom. It went better than feared, in some respects, but was over quickly. But I'd take them all in a heartbeat in trade for what I have to deal with on an ongoing basis. O, my. Sorry to vent, but thanks for the support. I am thankful his brothers and sister love him and come to spend time with dad. That means so much to me.

My Mom was just placed in the most wonderful home. Her dementia is not as advanced as it is going to get. The state took custody of her and placed her. I feel so very fortunate that the home is very quiet, restful and caring. When I go visit her now it is much more enjoyable than when I went to see her at home. This place is clean whereas her house had gotten to the "horder stage". She thought her meds were being stolen and she constantly hid things in her house. Now that they are regulating her medication she is much better and wants to come stay with me. I feel like I am walking in a mine field and if I put my foot down one way I will blow her up and if I put my foot down the other way I will blow us both up. I am afraid to try to fight the state in court to "regain" custody and bring her home with me only to have to place her somewhere later that is not as good as this facility. The guilt is with me constantly. I am happy to have found this sight where others can help me with this.

My Mom is 83 - we thought the memory problems, etc. were a sign of getting older. She was hospitalized In April with Shingles, and than moved to rehab. Dementia was diagnosed in re-hab - they said after rehab, she could'nt live alone. She was supposed to be moved into the nursing home section today (they changed the day because of some ridiculous circumstances). I wanted to be with her when they moved her; this morning, I got sick to my stomach.
I think anne123 said it best - they are a different person now. Just like a kid who changes and develops a new personality, Mom has changed, too. My mother has forgotten my name, told me to leave after 10 minutes...She can't talk on the phone, but I call the nurses station often to find out how she is, I bring treats and flowers (she couldn't care less sometimes!). I'm trying to do the best I can for her - no one - including her - and including myself - could ask for more.
Dont "suck it all in" - don't make yourself sick. Your Mom is being taken care - go when you can.

My mother has alzheimer's too, and often I will drive so far, and turn around and come back. I can't figure out why I do this, I love her and really want to see her. Is there someone else who could go with you? Please realize if you want your mother to get quality care in a nursing home you have to be present or you will find things in a terrible mess! At least that has been my experience and even if she can't say your name, she probably still knows you. Please go, find different times of day that work for you, find someone to support you and go too, fortunately my husband prods me along. I can't say it gets easier to go, but you are being a blessing to them!

The problem I had with my son not going downstairs to see his grandma was that he felt like his grandma wasn't in there. Which she's not the same. I hate this disease! I wouldn't wish it on anyone, including my worst enemy! He'd go down and visit her every so often, but not as much as he used to after she asked him if he wanted to marry her that day.
You and I know it's only the disease talking, but it sounded strange coming from his grandma. She thought he was her husband, before they got married. He grew a little more apart from her, even though he knew it was the disease talking. For crying out loud, she used to watch him, buy him crayons and coloring books. Just think, if you're male, what would you think if your grandma asked you that? If you're female, what would you think if your grandpa asked you that?

I just can't deal with her going back to her childhood and thinking she has
to go to school and her parents are alive. I tried to get into that world, but I wasn't going to let me be sucked into her world completely or I'd lose myself.

She is such a sweetie and I love her for many reasons. 1) I was caring for her b/c it was a way of paying her back. She would take care of my son, when he was younger, 2) She would take me to work and take me grocery shopping 3) pick up my son from preschool, school if he was sick, karate, etc .

School's out for summer here so I am taking the kids with me to visit their grandpa in the nursing home. The stress is building. .. Not only that, he has broken his dentures so I have to go pick up his new ones at the dentist. I pray that they fit perfect. It is easier on me and the dentist not to have to transport him and have pee everywhere like we did when I used public transport for his wheelchair. Two hours and six pees later... added with his rudeness. OH MY! I am getting physically ill thinking about it... but here I go !

robe4579
Your 'story' is very much like mine was (Mom passed on May 7th) and I have to say, that knowing "Mom" is/was in a safe place is/was MUCH better for everyone. Don't feel guilty.... but please continue to visit her.
NOT visiting is not the answer. We both know that. God bless you for being willing to walk into the 'mind field' .

Now about her 'wanting to go home with you'. This is very normal,and with the use of therapeutic lies you can easily side step those 'land mines' by calmly and happily letting her know that she "WILL" be able to come home.... right after you finish cleaning the carpets (use that one visit) or right after you get the car fixed.

Reassure her that she is in a very safe environment and that your 'home' is in a bit of an upheaval, so ask her for a little more time to get things in order. I know it seems like a sin to lie to someone, but believe me, they will feel better and God understands.

I found it helpful to have something FUN to do when you visit. Even a small puzzle, or a small snack and a warm cup of tea helps.

Now when its time to leave, just make sure she is 'occupied', never say 'goodbye' just let her know that you are running out to the store, and you will be right back, or you have to go to work, or you have to pickup the laundry or anything else and calmly leave, preferably when she isn't watching you leave. Ask the nurses assistant to help distract her when you are ready to leave.

So often we feel 'guilty' or panic when we have to visit our parents, husbands, or loved ones, not unlike what they must have felt when they had to take us to the doctors, or leave us at 'daycare' or school. The 'flight' response is very strong, BUT since we are not in any real danger, we should fight that response and go anyway.

If seeing your parent in a 'home' bothers you, make her room more personal. Ask what you can bring to make it more personal, even just a comforter or blanket may help.

What activities did you do with your parent in their home when you visited? Did you have tea and cookies? Lunch? Did you watch TV, or go for a walk, or have friends over? Why not try to recreate this activity with them where they are now?

I had little influence over my family and their visits, but hopefully I can help others that realize what is going on to VISIT!! We can't visit them after they are gone, and the guilt and pain that we will feel by not doing it now are much greater once they are gone.

Only you can decide what is best for you. I am not one to judge, but I do know that I made up for 'not' visiting my mother when she lived with my brother by going as OFTEN as I could when she was in the skilled nursing facility. And I am not sorry I did.

Even when 'brother' and I crossed paths in the nursing home, I just let him wheel Mom away from me, knowing that he would only be with her for 20 minutes, and I would have the rest of the day with her myself. He never gave me the time of day, but that's ok... I have my OWN watch!! :)

Gigglebox: get some icecream and toppings napkins, and sprinkles, and go see PopPop! Even if they make a mess, a good time will be had by all! Bring some coloring books if the kids are young... or something for PopPop to help the kids play with. Even PLAYDOH is fine, and nontoxic.

If the kids are older and 'harder' to please, have THEM decide what they would like to bring to "DO" with PopPop, but they have to bring something!

Have them use their imagination, and tell them that PopPop's condition is not contagious, but a bad attitude is. Tell them you will reward them for every SMILE they see.

OH... and let them know that in a nursing home... kids are ROCK STARS!! Anything a kid does in a nursing home is relished by the elderly. They see their past in their actions! And its ALL good.

God bless Gigglebox...(I love the name)

Excellent suggestion, Mia! :)

Just now read your comment - we survived. Kids are older and we didn't take anything but the dentures. It was a lesson in oral hygiene - brush your teeth - ha!. We talked about school and what they had accomplished. Stayed an hour so we made it. Dad was in a good mood but he doesn't tolerate stuff so we didn't bring anything to draw attention away from him. And honey, it's always all about him. But he is proud of the excellent students - he just has a funny way of showing it... For example, he told my youngest, I don't have anything to give you but a hard way to go - enough said!!

The kids didn't get a trip to the store b/c they were so antsy - but we survived. Dad has me on my toes and anxious enough so we will save a trip to the store for another day!

Glad to hear that you survived Giggle!!

My Dad passed away in 2005 and he had Alzheimer's and now Mom has it. She is in an Assisted Living Facility. Within a 2 year period she went from living in a Senior Apartment to Assisted Living. She doesn't talk much and I am afraid she is losing the ability to speak because she hardly speaks and when she does it makes her cough. I just dread the day when she doesn't know any of us kids anymore and I know that is coming very soon. I am also at the point (I hate to put this in writiing) that I dread going to see her. It is so sad and I get so depressed and then I feel guilty. All I know is that we do the best we can and see them as often as we can and try to deal with it.

I am a POA for a friend I have known for 50 years. She gradually started losing it mentally some years ago and her husband was not only oblivious to what was happening, he too developed problems and could not take care of her. I did everything humanly possible to help both of them and keep her home where they both wanted her - but it was no use. Eventually she got so bad, she became like a zombie. I do occasionally need to go and check up on her (I live in another state) and when I do, I am so upset and horrified by the environment I have nightmares for a long time after the visit. She is well taken care of and seems contented but it kills me to go there. Her husband visits her weekly and it doesn't seem to bother him - but he too has problems. No, it is not wrong to hate to visit a nursing home. It is nice if you can handle going and try to bring some joy, etc. to the patient but if it is going to destroy you mentally and physically, then do not do it. You are probably younger and need to take care of yourself so you don't end up in the next bed.

It sounds like maybe your daughter has the exact same problem as you're having. Sometimes those feelings may be a sign to just move on and don't force yourself to do what you struggle to do. Your mom is not the same person anymore since she has Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's changes people from who they used to be to someone they aren't, that's not her anymore and I feel that you're sensing that you're going to see a complete stranger who is no longer your mom. Biologically she is but the person she was is no longer her. This may be exactly why you're feeling like you're describing. My foster dad is seriously demented to the point he's no longer daddy anymore. Do I miss him question yes, absolutely! I still love him but his guardian who is likely just in it for the money won't let me see him anymore. I don't feel she intends to protect me against what happened to him, I think she was just in it for the money and that's my opinion and what I'm feeling. You may love your mom and you would miss her, but just remember she's not the same person anymore. I don't know what all other reasons may cause you to feel physically ill over going to see your mom at the nursing home unless there something going on that you don't know about and the physical illness is trying to tell you something. Listen to what's going on and follow any gut feeling you may be getting because there may actually be something very sick going on over at that nursing home that you don't know about. I don't know if you know it, but all too often there is abuse going on in nursing homes along with neglect. I would hire a private investigator her to find out what is really going on in that nursing home that you don't know about. I would also set up some kind of remote monitoring like start with a hidden camera for starters. Start there and get one that will let you look in from your smart phone or tablet. Record anything you see going on and run to the office of an elder care attorney if you see something suspicious. You would not be feeling physically ill if there wasn't something really bad going on at that nursing home, you don't feel like that for nothing. Obviously there something going on that you just can't see you right now and God may be trying to warn you for all we know. You may not see it or hear it or know what's going on or even understand why you're getting sick at the thought of seeing her, but obviously there something more going on then you know about or you wouldn't be feeling like you're feeling. Definitely check it out now!

I'm so glad to have found this site. Reading through all the comments really does help assuage the feelings of guilt just a little. For me, it's my husband who is in a nursing home. He has advanced Parkinson's disease and Lewy Body's dementia. A sufferer for 30 years, but only the last 10 years or so that dementia has really taken hold. No winners.. No survivors. But just take it day to day....

Someone on here mention being a POA for a friend. Be very wary of being someone's POA if they happen to be starting to become demented, this could very well spell disaster and only having a POA past a certain point when a person gets real bad is a big red flag because the demented person is sitting duck for vultures who prey on the elderly, especially those without any more mental capacity or competency. This actually happens a lot when someone only has POA over someone, this can be very tempting to start stealing from someone even if you know them very well. Be very careful and very wary of being someone's POA if they become demented or get Alzheimer's. By this point they need a guardian and not just a POA because POA can actually take advantage of people in that state of mind. Yes, i'm hearing this is pretty common much to my surprise. Don't get yourself into a situation where you could be tempted to go too far and possibly get yourself in hot water at some point, you'll come out on the losing end and get that dirty end of the stick in the end. Don't go there, just don't. Do the right thing and keep an eye on the elder and if this friend or family member actually needs a guardian, doing the right thing to gain guardianship legally through the legal system. Guardians I heard are monitored when they manage someone else's money and assets. You can keep a nursing home from grabbing the person's assets by preparing ahead of time before the nursing home is needed. You can go through lawyers who actually specialize in estate planning and protect your assets from nursing homes and prevent those nursing homes from grabbing them. If the person happens to rent, some landlords or managers can be vultures, even if they seem to be good people on the outside. What do you need to do is to protect that elder legally so no one can go in and start looting that person's place if they happen to die at home. I think new laws should be in place to really cracked down on people who go in and start looting in crisis situations even when someone dies. This is why everything of value should be locked up and locked up well out of sight. That way if you happen to die in your rental for instance, your landlord or manager can't steal and if they do the right people who execute the deceased person's last wishes will notice if somethings missing, especially if they know that person well enough to know what they had right before they died. If you know someone well enough, you know who comes and goes and when. This is why setting up your will and other arrangements to protect yourself legally is a very smart move.

We didn't organise POA for my husband as I thought there was plenty of time to do so. At that stage, dementia was manageable and whilst I knew in my heart that he would need eventually to enter a nursing home, I also imagined that there would be plenty of time. There wasn't... Lewy Body's progressed so fast to the point where he wouldn't have been able to sign documents.

However, having learned from that, I have organised that my son have POA in regard to myself. I probably ought to think about putting my home in the children's names also.

I'm unsure as the whole financial situation can be a minefield.

I must say here that the local council, due to their underhand dealings and theft (proven) almost forced me to sell up and fork out massive amounts of money that was not owed to them.

They (council) actually had themselves appointed as Guardians, and stopped all my husband's pensions at source... leaving direct debits and insurance unpaid ..

Please organise POA with someone absolutely trustworthy. It is NEVER too soon to get this organised.

The best thing you can do where financial matters are involved is to never ever ever give anyone access to your financial matters, your bank accounts, assets, insurance policies, etc. as long as you can take care of yourself, don't give anyone access to nothing. If you one day discover someone's gained guardianship or some other position over you, one thing you can do is put a fraud alert on your credit and freeze it for starters. For Social Security, call them up with your banking information and other stuff and tell them there was a fraudulent position taken over you and ask them to put your Social Security on one of their debit cards. You can either take one of their debit cards or just move your Social Security to a new bank and alert the new bank to what happened and have them set up your account where no one will grab it. you can then contact an elder care attorney yourself. Set up your will and the other estate planning, protect everything you have that is of value and take inventory of everything and let the lawyer put it in your file. With your doctor, add your lawyer as an emergency contact number in case of something happening to you. That way, the lawyer can step in and intervene where needed

This stuff is so hard. My mother, the primary caregiver, was always very mean and difficult (Undiagnosed bipolar and/or narcissist I think). My father who was strong and silent now has Lewy Bodies Dementia and is "disinhibited." After reading some of your posts I suspect some of your LO's suffer from LBD. Key characteristics include periods of lucidity (always in front of doctors and others) leading them to believe nothing is wrong, and delusions and hallucinations (this looks like schizophrenia from the outside). I am an only child and live in another state but have been going out to help every six weeks or so. I've come to think of my parents as mutual combatants. My father's verbal abuse (fueled by the paranoia) is non-stop. My mother is starving him, poisoning him, stealing all his money, trying to 'send him up the river', 'banging' all the men in the neighborhood. Ha, as if she had any time. Every time she thinks, that's it, I need to place him, he is lucid for a couple days and she thinks she I can't do it now. I am afraid the stress will kill her.

Anyway, I was feeling resentful that I had to take care of people who didn't take very good care of me finally felt forced to see a therapist after my father tried to have sex with me. The therapist and I we talked about the advice from all religious traditions and philosophies led back to forgiveness being the key to peace. I decided that I wouldn't be able to properly care for my parents until I got past my resentments and forgave them. I found this forgiveness meditation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNp6C1Rq-Ow and listened to it every morning for a couple of weeks. I found all my agitation around past hot button issues disappeared. In fact, my mother is much easier to deal with these days, I think because she is too tired to be mean, and I can see that all her meanness comes from her own insecurities. She is doing a pretty good job with my Dad all things considered.

Anyway, I wanted to share the meditation with all of you. It's easy, it's free and non-addictive. And it helps us do the right thing. So let's put on our big girl panties, be kind to our ailing elders (jerks or not) and especially kind to ourselves cause this is so hard!

Best to all of you.

Please, please listen to me. These people are not who they once were so you should NOT feel guilt about not wanting to see them. They lived their lives and now it is time you live YOUR life. Think of YOU first and if it upsets you so badly, then just make phone calls but do not go if it is going to upset you and destroy you. You need to take care of yourself.

When my dad first went in the nursing home..I would start walking to the door and I would have dry heaves..even after a xanax...and I would leave crying..this went on for the 1st month until I got used to going to c him which I did every day but Sundays...he was jolly and would ask about going home and where my mother was (I made up excuses for the many times she didn't visit) I always told him when he got to where he could walk again he would go home..they had to use a lift on him he thought he could walk up until he passed..not a day goes by I don't think about or miss him...now have my mother living with me complete opposite of my Daddy...a story for another time 😠

When you sacrifice decades of your life doing and giving to parents who are capable but selfishly enmesh their life with yours, there comes a point when you realize your own life has passed you by. Then your parent(s) age, continue to be self centered and continue to make your life miserable, which effects your spouse, your grown childten, not to mention killing off all your own hope's and dreams for your own life. So, why do we feel guilty about anything at this point? Because this unwarranted guilt is from a lifetime of giving and caretaking, making us feel we have to dutifully suffer till we escorts them to their grave. Just because this person is our parent does not mean we have to spend our adult lives dedicated to them. A truly unselfish parent would release you with love. We were born through them but we dont owe our life's to them. Yes, they did provide and care for us when we were children. They are obligated to that by law. I get soo irratated when people say to my mother.. "you took care of her when she was little, now it's her turn to take care of you" Let's examine that statement. First of all, it's ignorant for someone to make that statement. In my case, my mother makes herself out to be so angelic when she tells everyone, "Ohh, I feel badly she takes care of me." Thats a flat out lie. She says that to elicit some kind of compliment to her, telling her she deserves it. Her sense of entitlement has me running ragged and has her lifting her feet as she sits in her bedroom chair while I'm vacuuming and cleaning her room.
With emotionally abusing, self-entitled guilt producing parents, we have very minimal obligations to them, eg: safety, food etc. Those of us with these types of parents will most likely take the severly damaging repercussions of our parents selfishness to our own graves... and here I am, with my miserable, unappreciative, self entitled narcissist mother living with me and complaining how she hates it, tho every need and desire of hers is met. My grown childen don't come to my home as her only interest in them is how they make her feel... my husband endures my daily complaining about her. If she thinks we're both out, like when my husband is walking the dogs and I'm in the back yard and she didnt see me... she gets all pissed off that we left her alone. Why? Because her driving privileges were take by her doctor and she''s angry staying home. Everywhere I've taken her for social activites she refuses cause at 87 she doesnt want to be with "those old people".
Tell me exactly why I "should" feel guilty if I am caring less about her and more about my emotional preservation, my children and my marriage? For those of you in my shoes... think about your life of unwarranted guilt. Our parent(s) instilled the "guilt button" in us and we push it ourselves. My kids hate my suffering, They tell me, "Enough with the BS guilt. Go live your life, mom!"
That's my message to those of you who relate. God bless you and me with the couage to take care of OUR needs and start living!

DailySuffering...I know exactly where you're coming from...she sounds just like my demanding, unappreciative mother...If I say anything to her she tries pushing my guilt button by saying I won't always b around...I tell her I won't either and the way things r going she'll probably outlive me!!'

well I'm not sure that the nursing home is the problem. My brother and I recently confided that we both have anxiety going to visit my Dad at home and depression when leaving. I think its seeing the deterioration of their condition really. Our dad has taken to living in pajama bottoms and peeing in buckets. He tried to hide his dementia from us but the last two months have been a downward spiral. we now have in home care 3 days a week but I can see that is going to have to increase. I feel so much better knowing he is getting additional help but the stress of going to see him is still rough. Watching the ones you love slip away is heart breaking, and it doesn't matter if your seeing it at a nursing home or at the home you grew up in. anyway ,, that's my 2 cents

I feel unsettled every time I go see my husband that has Alzheimer's. Once I get there it is okay, it's just my going there that makes me nervous. Most times our visits are okay, most of the time he does not know I am his wife but he knows I'm his person that is there for him. Once I leave I feel better. It disturbs me more not to go than to go.

My mom is undergoing end-stage Alzheimer's and I have to do everything for her including manage her bowels. If she does not go after a few days I get very anxious because she can easily become impacted. It sounds sad but the center of my life is her bowels and keeping her clean and it's a struggle just to get her to brush her teeth. I think you made a very wise choice getting her in a nursing home because life is quite miserable for me. I have to watch her deteriorate more and more and there is nothing I can do about it. It is very depressing. Since she requires 24/7 care I sacrificed my entire life for her including job. Everyday I wonder if she's going to fall (I had to buy a hoyer lift) or catch pneumonia from a cold (very prone). So consider yourself lucky she is in a nursing home. You can't change the course of Alzheimer's. You forged your own life. Live it. I'm so close to my mom I could not put her in a nursing home but you can see the sacrifice this has done--I sacrificed myself for her entirely. The saddest thing after years of this I've grown so attached to my mom when she dies I will not be able to cope and may even succumb from the stress of it. So think about all of these things and take it with all seriousness.  Cargiving is a living hell and you get NO HELP from the government.  Nobody.  PS: I have two brothers. They are of no use. And I'm sure all they will care about is fighting over the estate while they live their merry lives while I am her sole caregiver: They have no concept what I go through everyday and think all of this care is free but at enormous cost to my life, finances and adversely affects even my retirement (I won't be able to).

Right now both my parents are in a nursing home. I too, get sick to my stomach every day going there. For me its knowing that they are getting worse each and every day and will never improve to the quality of life they once had. I gag walking in the place every day. I am so afraid of what I am going to see or hear about them , knowing that it will be negative. what gets me thru it is I keep telling myself they are my parents, I love them dearly, they brought me into this world and loved me every day of it. now it is my turn to give them that special love they always had for me. To see a smile on their faces when I come into their room makes me forget all about how I feel cause to me its all about making them happy till god calls their name....

Extreme mental illness and raising a normal child are two very different relationships. They can not be compared. Any mentally ill family members can bring you down into great despair and guilt. It is your duty to protect yourself from this self-imposed helplessness. Try to check in on your loved one as much as you can. If you can not, give yourself a pass. My mother is in her own world of dementia and not suffering. Everyone else around her that loves her is. I just make sure at this point, since she does not know me, that she is comfortable.

Extreme mental illness and raising a normal child are two very different relationships. They can not be compared. Any mentally ill family members can bring you down into great despair and guilt. It is your duty to protect yourself from this self-imposed helplessness. Try to check in on your loved one as much as you can. If you can not, give yourself a pass. My mother is in her own world of dementia and not suffering. Everyone else around her that loves her is. I just make sure at this point, since she does not know me, that she is comfortable.

Yes, the thought of going to a cursing home to see anyone is extremely difficult..the first time I went I cried ...and swore that my mom would never end up in one of those places.........but on the flip side if you can no longer care for them at home..and can not get adequate care for them..that may be your only choice....it's a double edge sword...because it's the most difficult thing you will ever have to do...because you are saying goodbye to the person you once knew who no longer wants you or remembers who you are. It's a sad situation and there are no winners.