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They are 83 and 75 (she has early alzheimers. They signed a contract at asstisted living, and they keep cancelling - He shouldn't be driving and one minute they say ok we will go - then the next day they are cancelling saying they are fine in their home for 2 more years. They eat one meal a day at the same restaraunt - if he doesn't feel like driving - or eating - she doesn't eat at all - could be 3 days before she gets her next meal (she doesn't remember and drinks ensure). He drives and shouldn't - she can't remember to call 911 in an emergency - can't remember conversations yesterday - and they both can't tell me what day of the week it is, or when Christmas is - We want to force this move but are not sure how - husband has POA

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I agree that you can't force them to move. They may do much better with in-home assistance.

You could call your local Alzheimer's organization as see if a social worker can come to your home to evaluate the situation. They can be very helpful and there's no agenda to sell you services. This person may be able to suggest in-home services available in your community, as well.

Take care of yourselves and please let us know how this progresses.
Carol
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It isn't good to force any elderly to leave their home for a nursing home or assisted living if it is against their will. Both of these two people could live another 10 years without much difficulty at 75 and 83 years old. A decade is too long to be in either an assisted living or nursing home.

They probably can be happier at home with support. If driving is not advisable, then they need to be driven to appointments, social outings, church. If they need someone to shop for them or have their food delivered (consider paying for meals on wheels for them).
If they are not able to manage cleaning, hire a cleaning lady for them. Do their laundry weekly or pay a friend to do it for them.
Get the mother in a daycare program for people in the early stages of her disease. This will give the older father a chance to rest while she is being looked over.
If Dad can still do the check writing fine, if not get the POA and write the checks for them so their running bills are paid. I would get a home health aide there daily to help get them bathed etc. If not done already, get the home set up for handicapped especially in the bathroom to reduce the likelihood of a fall.

Bottom line assisted living isn't for people who can be cared for better in their own homes with help. The last 2 or 3 years of life should involve nursing homes and assisted living ---not decades of it. We are living longer, and we can support elders in their home.

If you get a POA remember, you need to assist them to do what they want for their care. I think their cancelling out on the assisted living tells you they know they are not ready for that type of placement yet. When I had the POA I did what my father wanted and we reached "agreement" on the home supports he would receive. Forcing the elder (like forcing a teenager) generally leads to rebellion--you want their last years to be cheerful and you having their respect and love. It can be done. Yes it is more difficult then a transfer to assisted living where the elder is left to deal with strangers meeting or failing to meet their needs. Many assisted living facilities do not offer much support and are ill prepared to deal with your mother's illness or any mental health issue. Don't
listen to the sales job when they say they do it all---investigate.

Good luck---this is aging, it is a normal part of life not a crisis.
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Unless you have been given custodial custody of this couple by a judge, you can not force them to do anything I'm afraid. What you can do though is contact senior services in the city/town where they are and ask them to get involved as it sounds like the wife, especially, could be in real danger. They should make a visit to the house and assess the situation and you can go from there.

Good Luck!
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It was not all uphill once we did move them into AL. My dad experienced hostility and depression. But with constant contact with his physician, we were able to work through those issues granted medication was given. I have to admit there were times we (me and my siblings) did feel a little guilty, but bottom line he is in a better place. It was not possible for any of us to take both of them into our homes so this was the next best thing. I have learned that there is not right way or wrong way to care for your aging parents. You just have to do what feels right in your heart and in your mind.
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I got a live in for my mother. It's cheaper in the long run than assisted living and it makes her happy. Her caregiver is chatty and involved. They are doing well.
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My mom's neurologist was a huge help. I kept him informed about the specific things mom was doing via email, which provided a diary the nurse read and passed on to the doctor. Mom did very badly on Demenia test they gave her at her next appointment and HE told her she need to be in an ALF. She argued, cried and refused. He told her he would have to inform the State that she posed a danger to herself and they would place her in a facility if she refused. She stopped arguing and was very mad at the doctor, but that did it. Our parent's generation believe what doctors say like it's gospel.
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In some states (at least in California) you can contact the DMV and have them call your father in for a driving evaluation. The only problem is that, if they pass, they can't be called in again for some time (I think it is 18 months although I haven't checked recently). 18 months is a long time, and things can get a lot worse, of course. However, if you are fairly confident he won't pass, you might try to contact the DMV. The other option is to contact his doctor. His doctor probably won't tell you anything, but will listen to what you have to say.
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Might have to go thru Guardianship/Conservator ship process in probate, we don't know the relationship you are (son/daughter, niece etc.) That process has many unpleasantness, can be a very high expense, and may have surprising or disappointing turns.
Another question is involving private pay: how much income and assets do they have to sustain the 'assisted living'?

another consideration is that they likely (if they decide to move to an assisted facility), they would not be happy in a 1 room arrangement. It may require a 2 bedroom suite, with a living area.. again cost....
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My aunt's doctor had her driving license revoked when she was about 90 yo. She rebelled and went down and took a competency test and driving test. Needless to say, she fired her doctor. Her license was restored. She died alone in her bed at age 98 from complications of pneumonia.
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I have had to deal with my elderly parents for the 1st time this yr. My dad, while clear in mind, can barely walk with walker and mom did everything for him and around the house. She paid the bills, everything. When she got Parkinson's and started to become confused they tried to hide the problems they were having from us but soon we found bills not paid, stove left on, door left unlocked,etc. Then dad had to go to hospital with CHF and mom was left at home. Dad wouldn't approve to hire sitters or live in sitter which would have been around $275/day. So, we tried to go and watch over her but couldn't be there all the time and 1 day she wandered from home, locked herself out and police found her. She had to go to hospital and then when she was going to be released we knew she couldn't go home because we couldn't afford sitters around the clock or the live in help so we were going to put her in respite care at a local facility while we figured out what to do because my dad by this time was in rehab. Neither could take care of themselves or each other and we finally put them both in respite care at the same facility with my mother on the memory care floor. He had not seen her since she wandered off from home and didn't understand that mom was different now - we don't know what caused her to go from confusion to dementia in a day or 2- so we had to talk to him about staying n the facility because going home was too expensive, there was a good chance she would walk away again and she couldn't take care of him anymore. He didn't know his meds, hadn't paid a bill in over 15 yrs so it made more sense andwould be safer for both to go to assisted living with them on memory care floor so mom couldn't wander away again. He didn't like it, we argued, he's still mad about it but he's finally seeing there was no way they could manage at home and while he hates not being home this was best decision for my mom. It's a very hard, trying time. I will pray for you and God bless you and your parents.
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