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We found a wonderful assisted living facility nearby for mom. We took her to see it, got the tour and free lunch. Both my sister and I loved it and feel it's the perfect place for her. My sister and I have limited time to be running to mom's house to help her with menial tasks etc. and feel this is the best scenario for her. Problem is, she is happy with "Daughter Assisted Living" and sees no reason to change it, except that she is lonely most of the time. Can we actually make her do this assisted living thing or are we stuck with her decision to stay put. Neither of us want mom to live with us.

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I looked up the legal definition of incompetence that applies to elder care. The Free Dictionary online writes "referring to a person who is not able to manage his/her affairs due to mental deficiency (lack of I.Q., deterioration, illness or psychosis) or sometimes physical disability. Being incompetent can be the basis for appointment of a guardian or conservator (after a hearing in which the party who may be found to be incompetent has been interviewed by a court investigator and is present and/or represented by an attorney) to handle his/her person and/or affairs (often called estate)." Using the definition as a guide, a person who couldn't walk may be deemed incompetent to live under certain conditions -- say, they are unable to use a wheelchair and won't hire help to come in. In situations like this it might be helpful to get APS involved. If a person's mindset works against their disability so that they can't perform the normal activities needed for living, they probably would be declared incompetent to make their own decisions.

Many of the parents of people in this group would be incompetent if living alone. But since they have help they are able to do things they need to. The only people realizing how bad it is are the caregivers. I guess you could say we are the competence of our parents.
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Incompetent: not having or showing the necessary skills to do something successfully.

If you can't walk, then you don't have the necessary skills to get around the house assuming no wheelchair or other device is used.
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Rushdown, not being able to walk does not make a person incompetent. President Roosevelt couldn't walk, and I doubt anyone considered him incompetent!
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Chicago 1954...you are so on....my husband will live longer after me...I guarantee it.
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I'm in a very similar situation as the original poster, except my parent cannot walk and therefore I doubt this fits the definition of "competent".

Is this enough reason to have the ability to force her to go to an assisted living facility?

By the way, I am considered her caregiver. Anytime social security sends us a letter my name is on it.
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You can't force her, but at the rate you are going, she will out live you. She must have a plan, if that happens.

I think you need to go on vacation and force mom to do something else.
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You can't make a competent adult do anything she doesn't want to do. (Except if you are law enforcement and what she doesn't want to do is stop selling street drugs. :-D )

But you can decide what you are willing to do. If it is not running to Mom's to help with menial tasks, she can't make you do it! And indeed, why should she want AL when she can have Daughter Assisted Living?

Something that might be good for all of you is to have In-Home Assisted Living. That is, hire the menial tasks done. Also any special-skill tasks. She should certainly have a cleaning service. She could hire a companion, someone to take her grocery shopping. If/when she needs it. a visiting nurse could be arranged. How about meals on wheels? My own mother was able to continue living in her apartment four or five years longer with these kinds of services.

Mother objected to getting these services. She told the social worker "my daughters do these things." But the daughters spoke up and said "when we visit you, Ma, we want to play cribbage and gossip and remember old times. We do not want to spend the time cleaning your toilet!"

If you could use your limited time to do daughterly things that improve the quality of Mom's life (and your lives!), and Mom could hire the menial tasks done, that might be almost as good as assisted living from your perspective and better from hers.
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Sorry, but as long as your mother is competent, you can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to. You can, however, make yourself less available to her. AL may look more attractive as time goes on. She might love being around people her own age.
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