She just feels like sleeping but after long mornings she gradually gets better. 90 years old. waiting for doctor to call. her bp and oxygen is "normal".
Robertray, my mother used to criticise herself for being "lazy" and "useless." What she actually was, was nearly ninety years old, with the full cocktail of health problems associated with congestive heart failure.
Recovering to full fitness from a broken leg takes a long time for anyone; and your mother is 92 years old. The immobility immediately after the fracture won't have done her any good - though it couldn't be helped, of course - and it isn't surprising that less than a year later she isn't herself again.
If you haven't already, what about asking her GP to check her heart function? Not with a view to treating it, necessarily, but to understand better what is happening with her body. I'm sure she does miss her usual activities, the shopping and the visiting, but that doesn't on its own mean that she'll be physically capable of resuming them if only you can gee her up enough.
This will sound odd, but it's actually quite a positive sign that she's even talking about these things: it's when the person appears to lose interest in what used to be important that you know depression really has kicked in. However, depending on what is going on in the background - heart and brain function - it is possible that she could benefit from medical help with this: another good reason to get her tested.
Why would it even cross your mind to tell your mother that she'll never again be able to do the things she enjoys??? There are plenty of things you can say to her that are comforting and encouraging and still true, such as explaining how the healing process works and what it takes out of an elderly person; or pointing out that when she feels so sleepy it's her body insisting that it needs rest; or reminding her how much progress she has made since last spring.
Are her friends close enough to make short visits worthwhile for them? They shouldn't stay all day, but if they can drop round for a cup of coffee and a quick chat - half an hour or so - would they if you asked?
You are doing terrific work supporting your mother and helping her keep her dignity, and that makes such a difference to her quality of life. Just be careful to manage your own expectations too, so that you don't get ambushed by it when she does approach her last days. May it not be for a good while yet.
9 hours is not at all long for a 90yr old. Let her rest, she deserves it. At 86 we even allowed my dad to eat anything he fancied. The taste buds have gone and what was the point of rationing him at this age, unless it made him sick. So we indulged him, as long as it was within reason and he could manage. 90, let her just be, as long as she can still cope.
My mother is in a nursing facility and does not get enough sleep because she is so anxious and nervous even with meds. I wish that she would sleep more . I think that sleep is good to a point . Try to get her on a schedule . Napping through out t the day is ok. When she was home I would get her up for all of her meals and then she could rest in between. We also had times when we would watch a movie or play games together which helped hold her attention for a while. It is very difficult. I totally understand what you are going through. Good luck and god bless you both!!
My mom is 91 and she sleeps till ten o clock and gets up. They do need their sleep and she also takes naps also. I go out with her to lunch and we have a good time. They need to feel needed and do things for themselves. Be blessed that you still have her.
Before 'forcing' your mother from her bed, first you must get a whip. That will encourage her more. Obviously your pleasant remonstrances are not working!
Has she been prescribed "Must rise after 9 hours sleep" by a doctor, or is it your whim?
When I am old, I shall sleep as long asd I need to. If anyone has any different odeas I shall remove them from my will and leave my overdraft to someone else.
Why the need to control? She is old. Let her rest for as long as she wants.
When I am old, I am only 80 now, I shall; take all the rest I need. Heaven help those that try to interfere with my routine.
My mother tends to sleep about 10 hours a night. She is 103. She is having some confusion that worsened after she took Levoquin for a UTI. Her caregiver helps her to get exercise, like walking her up to the garden. What meds is your mother taking?
My Mom is also 90 and is sleeping a lot. My sister agrees with most of you to let her sleep. BUT, I am reviewing her meds because some of them can induce not only drowsiness, but mental confusion. I also know that the less she moves, the less she can move - a vicious cycle. So yes, let her sleep, but also make sure that you review her meds with a doctor and make sure she gets about some to keep those joints moving.
TheBoogs - I kind of agree with you. However I spent time with her yesterday, my 93 yr old mother in law. When I arrived, she was out of it. She is recovering from bronchitis, hopefully. The longer I hung out, the more she rallied. She eventually said that she draws energy from me and her caregivers. We had laughter, good conversation, she sat up which helped her breathing.
Can we rally her from all the years of condescending remarks and secluded lifestyle? Probably not, but leaving her on the couch, laying down with little interaction should be balanced with socialization.....just not sure who the healthiest socialization should be with.
Very good philosophy, Angela. I salute you! It is very important, even though sometimes a caregiver feels she can do it faster and better. to simply let him/her do it; otherwise, they can become completely helpless long before it's time. I checked with our physician as to how I was handling him, and she said, "Good for you! Keep it up!" Every day that I refuse to do something for him that he can do for himself is one more day of triumph for both of us. Onward and Upward! :)
Littlebitangela, I don't believe I've read a more heart-wrenching report from a caregiver than yours. I wish I were there with you so that we could cry together. I don't know if my advice will be of any help to you, but have you considered perhaps not attempting to take your dad anywhere? Neither he nor you need that extra strain and anxiety. I think it would be better if he were to stay home and you could take him outside when the weather permits to sit and enjoy the fresh air and hear the birds sing, etc. etc. He doesn't need a rock concert at this stage of his life. What I had my husband do with me the other day as we sat on lawn chairs out in the back yard was what I loved to do when I was a little girl with my friends. I had my husband look up at the sky at the floating white clouds and encouraged him to imagine different pictures as they floated by. We saw an elderly man with a beard, we saw an owl, we saw a princess, we saw a king wearing a fancy crown, etc. etc. He enjoyed it very much. I plan to do this with him again as soon as possible. It got his imagination to working bigtime. :)
No, jeannegibbs, I disagree with you. By refusing to do for him what I knew he could do for himself, he went ahead and did it. My husband has always been a high-maintenance fellow, and now that he has dementia, he tends to require the same amount of attention. You would be surprised how much he can do for himself by my refusing to do for him what I KNOW he can do for himself and encouraging him to do it. This morning, the first thing he said to me when he got out of bed was "I feel so weak." I kissed him and said, "I don't want to hear it." Before long, he was up and washed and singing a hymn at the top of his lungs. Don't feel sad, jeannegibbs since you are not his wife and you have no notion of the psychology that is necessary here to make life for both him and for me better all the way around. It is easy for you to pass judgment. You were not married to my husband for 63 years, and you have no idea what makes him tick. Thank you for your misplaced concern anyhow.
Sherry, I agree with you. A home nurse visited today to take a blood draw from mom. She said, "Rose (mom), the more Maggie does for you, the stronger she gets. That's the good news. The BAD news is that the more Maggie does for you, the weaker YOU get." It's a cool way to remember the truth.
Willows, I think you are right to not enable him to become more helpless. I think that you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. My mother sometimes pushes me to do everything for her. I try to keep her as independent as possible for as long as possible. It's healthier for everybody that way. Atta Girl
Don't force her out of bed or being on a time zone. DO keep her engaged and have some appropriate activities at times in the day she is most alert or rested --for example a tea time, short walk after lunch, late morning sit on the porch with a light snack.
My mom is 91 and sleeps and naps more and more. When I visit we plan some outings but I let her take the lead. If we've planned something and she seems lazy or worn out, then I go with that and get carry out and we sit quietly while she doses off or we just talk or sit out on the porch and say nothing.
I do try to get her out some when I can because sleeping all the time can be a sign of depression if she totally has no energy or interest in anything.
Angela, it seems that your husband is motivated by social companionship, so the key to getting him more active is to figure out how to maximize his social contact.
Perhaps you could invite neighbors, church members, friends and/or family, one per day. At least then he would be up for that time.
He may not have the initiative to articulate that he needs social stimulation. That's not an affront to you; people just need companionship outside the marriage.
Are there any senior center activities to which you can take him? Sometimes they have special interest clubs, trips...that might interest him.
Libraries have discussion groups, book clubs, musical events. A one hour rock concert might be easier for both of you than a several hour one.
There's also charity work; it might be that helping others will initiate a motivation that is long lasting. I've been told by many people that they feel so much better when they're able to do something for others.
Dog parks are another possibility. Just petting a furry friend could inspire him to want to come back.
If you can find repeating activities he can go to, he can look forward to them.
But I would also try to get him for a really complete physical to ensure that there are no physical issues.
Willows, I am trying not to be judgmental, but your post makes me very sad. This man you love has just gotten the message that though he is very confused and scared he can't count on you to help him. I can't imagine how that will have good long-term results. I know you meant "I won't help you do something you can do yourself," but does he know that?
Is it really so terrible that he needs extra attention now that he has this terrible disease he didn't ask for?
So he didn't fool you. He didn't get away with his bid for more attention. Somehow, that doesn't strike me as something to be proud of.
I cared for my husband with dementia, at home, for ten years. Your post just makes me sad.
It is not beyond the realm of possibility that many dementia patients love attention, and they will do almost anything to get it. Just now my husband poked his head in the door of the study and asked me to go to the bathroom with him because "I have to tinkle, and I need you to show me what to do." I got up and began walking toward the bathroom, then did a swift turnaround. I thought to myself, "Self, what in the world do you think you're doing?" I said to him, "You go to the bathroom all by yourself and once you get there, you know very well what to do!" And I went back to the computer. He exclaimed, "Oh, I see you don't want to help me." I said, "You got that right!" He's in there right now doing his business, right as rain. He wanted attention, he got it, but not quite the attention he was expecting. Don't let them fool you because they'll try so long as they think they can get away with it.
I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive, but 93 years old - God bless her! She has been through enough, as you stated with her husband who had control issues and narcissistic disorder. Even if you're 40 years old and you lose a spouse, sometimes people don't come out of their bedrooms for a very long time. She's tired. Anyone would be tired at 93 and anyone would be extremely exhausted mourning ---- period. Be patient. Let her sleep. And, let her wake up to a new day (if so be it)…
Grief and age are two things you never want to experience, but we do at some point in our lives.
Sit with her. Hold her hand. Watch some TV with her. Let her know it's okay to rest a bit. Encourage.
How does one know if she is depressed? We have a 93 yr old who just lost her husband. He had control issues along with narcissistic disorder. This resulted in her staying on the couch all day for years. Now that he is gone, does one even attempt to get her up and moving? She is at home with caregivers, soon to have hours reduced due to cost. Her will, honored by law, is to stay at home vs an AL which will give her light, socialization and nourishing food.. Her safety, believed by sons to be ok, is not an issue as they are honoring her will.
If what you all are saying is true, letting this woman sleep will provide more safety to her along with letting her do what she feels like doing. After 71 years of marriage, she, understandably will be depressed. We will then watch her drift off into the sunset.
This is what I have concluded from your responses -- let her go.
Angela, Personally, I think that there has to be an underlying reason that he won't get out of bed. Is there a power struggle here and it's his way of being in control? Is he in pain? and as I asked before is he exhausted from sleep apnea - this condition is a silent (well with the snoring not so silent maybe) killer? Even though your stocking him up with his snacks and easy to zap food sounds like it makes for him being healthier, think about the sugar content and the preservatives in this kind of food. Could he have diabetes?
Bottom line - has he had a physical lately, and I'm not talking about the Medicare joke for a half as_- physical. I mean a real good thorough blood panel and thyroid test. Low thyroid can cause someone to sleep all the time. They might not do a glucose tolerance and thyroid panel (could the permanently swollen vocal cords be a swollen thyroid) unless you insist, so you must be proactive with this one. Since he walked all over the airport, then he should be able to negotiate a rock concert. If it's a power/control thing, try negotiating by taking him to a concert and then your payback is that he stay out of the bed days. If it's a health thing, which I suspect it is, change his diet and get him on some fresh and raw foods.
ilovemom; Serta Roma Premium Memory Foam 10" Mattress - Twin XL by Serta | Item #: 686264 Here is the mattress I bought from sams club. You can order one half the price but its rolled from China and I wanted a regular mattress without a chemical odor to have to air out. Its super comfortable. I bought the $50 Bobs mattress pad for it to make sure it stays safe but you can buy any twin xl waterproof mattress pad. Amazon has twin xl sheets and walmart in the Fall (college time). The side bars were tight so my husband expanded the railing about an inch on the hospital bed. If you need more info at all please send me a private message also in case I dont see it here, I just happened to see this, Hope this helps~~!
Angela. "Falls often"? That's unacceptable. If I fell often, I wouldn't want to get out of bed either. If my bones ached from arthritis, I'd probably not be too anxious to be up and about. And if I was with it enough to know I also had prostate cancer? I'd probably be depressed.
Sometimes the LAST one to think they're depressed is the depressed person. In fact, I'd have to say that OFTEN that's the case. I wonder what test the doctors are using to opine that he's not depressed. Oh, wait. There isn't one -- except for behavior. Which you seem to be describing to a T. First, I'd call the doctor and tell him that he needs a different anti-depressant or an adjunct to the one he's taking. Medication for depression is often trial and error.
I mean, really, would you rather have him sleeping safe and sound in bed? Or wandering around and, finally, sleeping in a chair? When we get old, we are what we are. If he wants to be in bed and you can't convince him otherwise? Let him do what he wants to do. Give him a TV and a radio...come in and see if you can adjust the dial now and then, ask if he'd like to get up, and let him be. Ohhhh, I might take the curtains down or remove the blinds to get light into the room, just to see if that'd help. Invite family as often as possible since he seemed to respond well to his nieces. What else can you do? (Go easy on yourself; this is not your fault.)
As to you becoming isolated, I can't imagine why. You have caregivers. None of my business, of course, but I sure would encourage you and your family to go about their business. It could be a very long road you're on. If you're not careful, YOU could be the one who doesn't want to get out of bed.
You're a good daughter, Angela. You can't change "what is" -- and you can't blame yourself. We can only do so much...
I hate to say that I am 60 years old and on Saturday when I can I sleep that long. I would just make sure she is ok and only worry if she becomes depressed.
Does your mom have sleep apnea? That makes sleep not very restful and deprives one of oxygen during the night causing exhaustion upon awakening. Often the sleep apnea sufferer needs frequent naps during the day. My mom had a sleep study at 102 and was prescribed a cpap machine. It's a pain in the butt to use it because I have to be the one to put it back on after midnight and daylight potty runs, but it seems to be helping. Also, check her O2 levels. Low oxygen can make us drowsy. I keep an oxometer handy and use it daily, sometimes hourly as my mother has an oxygen accumulator that we can use if its low. She was originally prescribed oxygen for the sleep apnea.
Maryjane my mother has a riser-recliner armchair and will doze very happily in that during the day (or "just close my eyes for a minute"). If your mother's sleeping posture is an issue this might be an option?
I think your aunt's story is a completely different matter; but how terribly sad, I'm so sorry this happened to your family.
Thanks for all the responses. I just wanted to add that the doctor told me if she wanted to sleep more, it's ok, but laying flat for long periods could also affect her lungs so at least try to prop her up some with pillows. My mom is doing ok and I would never actually "force" her physically to do anything. I think some people think I might be kind of mean. My uncle let my aunt sleep too many days before getting any help. She died in a diabetic comma.
Recovering to full fitness from a broken leg takes a long time for anyone; and your mother is 92 years old. The immobility immediately after the fracture won't have done her any good - though it couldn't be helped, of course - and it isn't surprising that less than a year later she isn't herself again.
If you haven't already, what about asking her GP to check her heart function? Not with a view to treating it, necessarily, but to understand better what is happening with her body. I'm sure she does miss her usual activities, the shopping and the visiting, but that doesn't on its own mean that she'll be physically capable of resuming them if only you can gee her up enough.
This will sound odd, but it's actually quite a positive sign that she's even talking about these things: it's when the person appears to lose interest in what used to be important that you know depression really has kicked in. However, depending on what is going on in the background - heart and brain function - it is possible that she could benefit from medical help with this: another good reason to get her tested.
Why would it even cross your mind to tell your mother that she'll never again be able to do the things she enjoys??? There are plenty of things you can say to her that are comforting and encouraging and still true, such as explaining how the healing process works and what it takes out of an elderly person; or pointing out that when she feels so sleepy it's her body insisting that it needs rest; or reminding her how much progress she has made since last spring.
Are her friends close enough to make short visits worthwhile for them? They shouldn't stay all day, but if they can drop round for a cup of coffee and a quick chat - half an hour or so - would they if you asked?
You are doing terrific work supporting your mother and helping her keep her dignity, and that makes such a difference to her quality of life. Just be careful to manage your own expectations too, so that you don't get ambushed by it when she does approach her last days. May it not be for a good while yet.
Has she been prescribed "Must rise after 9 hours sleep" by a doctor, or is it your whim?
When I am old, I shall sleep as long asd I need to. If anyone has any different odeas I shall remove them from my will and leave my overdraft to someone else.
Why the need to control? She is old. Let her rest for as long as she wants.
When I am old, I am only 80 now, I shall; take all the rest I need. Heaven help those that try to interfere with my routine.
Can we rally her from all the years of condescending remarks and secluded lifestyle? Probably not, but leaving her on the couch, laying down with little interaction should be balanced with socialization.....just not sure who the healthiest socialization should be with.
I think you are right to not enable him to become more helpless. I think that you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. My mother sometimes pushes me to do everything for her. I try to keep her as independent as possible for as long as possible. It's healthier for everybody that way. Atta Girl
My mom is 91 and sleeps and naps more and more. When I visit we plan some outings but I let her take the lead. If we've planned something and she seems lazy or worn out, then I go with that and get carry out and we sit quietly while she doses off or we just talk or sit out on the porch and say nothing.
I do try to get her out some when I can because sleeping all the time can be a sign of depression if she totally has no energy or interest in anything.
Perhaps you could invite neighbors, church members, friends and/or family, one per day. At least then he would be up for that time.
He may not have the initiative to articulate that he needs social stimulation. That's not an affront to you; people just need companionship outside the marriage.
Are there any senior center activities to which you can take him? Sometimes they have special interest clubs, trips...that might interest him.
Libraries have discussion groups, book clubs, musical events. A one hour rock concert might be easier for both of you than a several hour one.
There's also charity work; it might be that helping others will initiate a motivation that is long lasting. I've been told by many people that they feel so much better when they're able to do something for others.
Dog parks are another possibility. Just petting a furry friend could inspire him to want to come back.
If you can find repeating activities he can go to, he can look forward to them.
But I would also try to get him for a really complete physical to ensure that there are no physical issues.
Is it really so terrible that he needs extra attention now that he has this terrible disease he didn't ask for?
So he didn't fool you. He didn't get away with his bid for more attention. Somehow, that doesn't strike me as something to be proud of.
I cared for my husband with dementia, at home, for ten years. Your post just makes me sad.
Let her sleep.
And, let her wake up to a new day (if so be it)…
Grief and age are two things you never want to experience, but we do at some point in our lives.
Sit with her.
Hold her hand.
Watch some TV with her.
Let her know it's okay to rest a bit.
Encourage.
My thoughts are with you.
If what you all are saying is true, letting this woman sleep will provide more safety to her along with letting her do what she feels like doing. After 71 years of marriage, she, understandably will be depressed. We will then watch her drift off into the sunset.
This is what I have concluded from your responses -- let her go.
Even though your stocking him up with his snacks and easy to zap food sounds like it makes for him being healthier, think about the sugar content and the preservatives in this kind of food. Could he have diabetes?
Bottom line - has he had a physical lately, and I'm not talking about the Medicare joke for a half as_- physical. I mean a real good thorough blood panel and thyroid test. Low thyroid can cause someone to sleep all the time. They might not do a glucose tolerance and thyroid panel (could the permanently swollen vocal cords be a swollen thyroid) unless you insist, so you must be proactive with this one.
Since he walked all over the airport, then he should be able to negotiate a rock concert. If it's a power/control thing, try negotiating by taking him to a concert and then your payback is that he stay out of the bed days. If it's a health thing, which I suspect it is, change his diet and get him on some fresh and raw foods.
Serta Roma Premium Memory Foam 10" Mattress - Twin XL
by Serta | Item #: 686264
Here is the mattress I bought from sams club. You can order one half the price but its rolled from China and I wanted a regular mattress without a chemical odor to have to air out. Its super comfortable. I bought the $50 Bobs mattress pad for it to make sure it stays safe but you can buy any twin xl waterproof mattress pad. Amazon has twin xl sheets and walmart in the Fall (college time). The side bars were tight so my husband expanded the railing about an inch on the hospital bed. If you need more info at all please send me a private message also in case I dont see it here, I just happened to see this, Hope this helps~~!
Sometimes the LAST one to think they're depressed is the depressed person. In fact, I'd have to say that OFTEN that's the case. I wonder what test the doctors are using to opine that he's not depressed. Oh, wait. There isn't one -- except for behavior. Which you seem to be describing to a T. First, I'd call the doctor and tell him that he needs a different anti-depressant or an adjunct to the one he's taking. Medication for depression is often trial and error.
I mean, really, would you rather have him sleeping safe and sound in bed? Or wandering around and, finally, sleeping in a chair? When we get old, we are what we are. If he wants to be in bed and you can't convince him otherwise? Let him do what he wants to do. Give him a TV and a radio...come in and see if you can adjust the dial now and then, ask if he'd like to get up, and let him be. Ohhhh, I might take the curtains down or remove the blinds to get light into the room, just to see if that'd help. Invite family as often as possible since he seemed to respond well to his nieces. What else can you do? (Go easy on yourself; this is not your fault.)
As to you becoming isolated, I can't imagine why. You have caregivers. None of my business, of course, but I sure would encourage you and your family to go about their business. It could be a very long road you're on. If you're not careful, YOU could be the one who doesn't want to get out of bed.
You're a good daughter, Angela. You can't change "what is" -- and you can't blame yourself. We can only do so much...
I think your aunt's story is a completely different matter; but how terribly sad, I'm so sorry this happened to your family.