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My brother (77) shoulders most of the day to day responsibilities at the behest of our mother (99). He is geographically closest to the care facility. My brother, myself, and my mother want my sister's adult children to step up and move their mother to a location near them but as yet, none have offered because, in my opinion, my sister is not easy or pleasant to care for. She's demanding, ungrateful, and takes no responsibility for getting herself well enough to be released. My brother wants out from under the burden, I'm not geographically close enough to be of much help, and of course my mother is too old. My sister's children are all adults and capable of taking over. How can we force the issue? Thanks.

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SDWebb50, your family has extremely unrealistic expectations here. Your sister is facing the consequences of a lifetime of decisions and behavior. Perhaps she has been mentally ill and could not help her unloving behavior. I don't know. That would be very sad, wouldn't it? It might have been useful if someone had intervened years and years ago and gotten her some help. Maybe. Who knows?

But to try to intervene now by decreeing her children must take action on her behalf is absurd and totally unrealistic. What if it was one of her children writing here and saying "my mother is demanding, ungrateful, and takes no responsibility for getting herself well. My siblings and I have had to distance ourselves from her for our own emotional health. My aunt and uncle are trying to force us to take responsibility for her care. What should we do?" Do you think we would be urging that poster to take over their mother's care? No, indeed!

Sister is in a long-term care facility. Unless you have reason to think she is being neglected or abused, let them take care of her. It is nice of geographically-close Brother to visit her. It is foolish of him to let it become a burden. He should stop taking her repeated phone calls, unless he wants to talk to her. It is entirely up to him. That Sister tries to impose on him is not her children's issue.
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It sounds like your sister's children have emotionally divorced themselves from a mother that wasn't easy to get along with. They are doing this for their own survival. There is no reason any of you need to be there every day. Visit once a week.
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Unfortunately, it seems that your sister's attitude has spoiled any chance of her own children taking care of her. Under the circumstances and the limited options you describe, the better solution might be at a facility with round the clock staff who are trained to deal with someone who doesn't cooperate. Sorry, but that seems to be the attitude your sister has.
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Many caregivers would give their right arms to have a loved one tucked up in a care facility especially if they lived far enough away to not have to visit too frequently. I would say count your blessings, leave well enough alone and don't feel obligated to visit too often.
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I don't know if you can force anyone to care for her. The only thing you can decide is what you are willing to do to help. It sounds like she is not a very pleasant person to deal with. What is her condition that she can't care for herself any longer?
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The concern here is for your brother. If he continues to have to put up with the caregiving burden for your sister, his life will be shortened significantly. Your mother has no say in it, really. (And where is she, and who is her caregiver?) If she's 99, will she even know if your brother steps back?

If your sister is in a facility, what are the day to day burdens that he bears?
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You can't force anyone to be a caregiver...that goes for BOTH your brother and the sister's children. Definitely your brother should not be burdened with the care of two people. He has every right to step away from the sister...that doesn't mean you can force the children to be the caregivers.

If she is in a long term care center already, as you state in the title, then she already has round the clock care....what exactly still needs to be done? I'd assume that if shes already in a care home, he doesn't need to care for her...just for his mom (which is a huge job in itself).

Angel
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I understand how you feel, SDWebb50. It doesn't seem fair that your brother, who is 77, should be dragged into this when there is a younger generation who could be stepping up. But I agree that there's no way the adult children can be forced to step up, and I think it's a lost cause. It sounds like the children have not only divorced themselves from their mother, but they don't live close enough to each other to share the burden equally. (I gather this from you saying that you and your brother want them "to move her to a facility near where one of them lives now".) I can't imagine one child volunteering to be on the hook for the needs of the demanding, ungrateful, difficult parent when the other sibs are getting off the hook. Maybe each of the children is laying low hoping that another one will volunteer or get roped in, or maybe they've all agreed that none of them will do it. And honestly, they're wise to steer clear. Nothing can torpedo an otherwise good relationship among siblings faster than attempting to care for for a difficult, ungrateful parent.
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I agree with CarlaCB, but it is still a very sad situation for the 77 yo brother! At this point, if she is there, and presumably going to stay there, and perhaps is on Medicaid? I would leave well enough alone, and have him visit only as he can, With low calorie snacks! There is no way you are going to get her children involved in her care, ans that is extremely sad!
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What jeannegibbs said. Absolutely right!
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