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Gershun, whenever I used to think about any one moment in my life that I would go back and change if I could, it was all about a boy. :) Now that's been replaced by a moment I had with my Mom. She lived in Ohio and I was in New Jersey, so it was very difficult to maintain the closeness we shared. But when she started getting worse I would fly home once a month and spend the weekend with her. On one of those visits she looked me in the eye and begged me to take her home with me. And I said no. I just didn't see how I'd be able to work full time and take care of her, and applying for Medicaid in New Jersey would take 3 months for her to acquire residency. So I said no. And it haunts me to this day. Because after that I truly believe she gave up. I agree with everyone here. We're not perfect. We make decisions in the moment that are sometimes not good, but our intentions are usually good. The thing that gives me some comfort is that I know my Mom would forgive me. And I know she knew that I loved her. I'm sure your mother knew you loved her, and that's what's important.
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Moments and memories and regrets and guilt will come back often for quite a while. Completely normal. You behaved in a way that seemed appropriate at the time. Now that you can look back, you think "If only I had done that differently . . . " "If only I had realized he needed . . . "

Most of our regrets about things we did or did not do for a dying loved one were are not about anything we did to intentionally harm the LO. Do not punish yourself over those misses. That you left "early" the last day your mother was lucid was not done intentionally to cause her pain.

Our Hospice literature has a section about a dying person "choosing" his or her time to die. Whether they want a loved one present or want to be alone may be built into the dying process.

Your moments of grief and despair and regret will come and go as long as they need to. The space between them will begin to increase and more moments of happy memories will fill those spaces.
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Hello Gershun:
My Mom died on October 3, 2020 after 4 months in a hospice residence. I have many bad memories and images of those days before her passing. I have slowly trained my mind to push away the dark memories and replace them with remembrances of her beautiful smiling face. Usually before I fall asleep, I have a conversation with her telling her how much she means to me and that I hope she holds nothing against me for the times things weren't perfect in her final days. It brings me peace to block out any negative thoughts that pop into my head and to replace them with memories of my Mom that bring me joy. I could not control everything that happened to my Mom in the end, so it's best for me to accept that I did my very best and now I'll focus on the love between us. Don't worry, Gershun. Find peace. Your Mom knows you love her and she wouldn't want you to beat yourself up because you had a "human moment of tiredness". Live your life now believing your Mom is peacefully at rest and holds nothing against you.
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Imho, I try not to think about the last night that I saw my mother as a lucid person in the Nursing Home. The next morning she suffered an ischemic stroke and never again uttered words. I cannot nor do not let myself dwell on that.
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Perfection is not a natural human condition, for us nor our loved ones. We all fall short of our ideals; we all require grace, often from ourselves. I truly believe we have 20/20 spiritual vision on the other side. She knows your heart. For her the only thing left is the love you gave. Any moment of falling short is gone with the wind. Talk to her, tell her your thoughts and feelings, then let it go. Remember the love.
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Of course, anyone, who has lost a beloved loved one, endures a mixture of emotions. Did I do enough, could I have done more? During his last moments, did I realize he was dying and had I known, I would have stayed by his bedside.

Death is so final. The loss of a loved one is so traumatic! I still hear the beloved cough, or forget that he's not in his room. Could I have done more for him? I'm not certain. At the time, I felt that I was doing the best I could. Looking back though, I wish I had done more. If only I had known he was actually dying when he was dying. I thought that special care would revive him. I was so sadly mistaken!

There is that last moment of life, when the spark becomes extinguished. When it is time for someone to die, no one can prolong life. I wish I had understood this better and more gracefully.
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First of all, my sincere condolences on your loss. I understand your pain.

As for your regrets...your mom knew how much you loved her by your previous actions. You and your brother did spend time with her and it's the quality of time that matters (not the quantity).

I have dealt with nagging images at night while I stayed with my beloved mom in hospital hospice for 13 long, excruciating days and nights watching her suffer in tremendous pain. I had/have images of her screaming out in pain. I learned to live with those images and try to focus on the positive things I saw when she was well. Those memories eventually starting prevailing over the bad ones. Time is what it takes and, again, my sincerest condolences are going out to you and your family on your tremendous loss. I understand your pain.

Be kind to yourself. You did the best you could at the time and your mom knew you were there for her.
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Sorry for your loss Gershun.
I cant even begin to describe how many regrets i have. I just hope my mother is in peace.
last day, hours before she collapsed unconscious she called me with my sister’s cell phone FaceTime and i was sleeping in bed in afternoon so i kept it short.
I remember when i hangup i was haunted by my mother’s soft weak voice and her face looked pale. I remember feeling guilty for keeping it short and instantly feeling heavy and couldn't go back to sleep. Hours later my sister called that she had collapsed and doctors gave me no hope at all.

Now i keep thinking about her face and her last breath, she appears in my dreams thank God and i just wanna sink into deep sleep and spend time with her.
miss my sweet mum so much.
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I know it is hard, but do what you have to do to stop ruminating on it. Do some meditations about self forgiveness or self care or something like that. One time in one of these meditations I listened to the person said if a friend was telling you that they were in the same circumstance and that is what they did that you were most likely advise your friend not to be so hard on herself. So that is what you have to do, don’t be so hard on yourself, you did the best you could at the time and what was possible for you to do and that’s all you could do at the time. You did your best, forgive yourself, forgive your Mom and let it go.
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I would just like to say a huge thank you for posting this question. I am glad I am not alone. I look forward to reading your responses. I asked a question on here last year and was amazed how supportive everyone was. We are in this together.
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Thank you all again to all of you for sharing. I knew I could count on this wonderful community of caregivers to respond and open up your hearts. I believe that discussing these things really does lift the burden a bit.

I haven't read all the responses yet but I will. I'm so grateful more of you are posting on this.😘
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My Mom moved south from Sarasota to be near me, her son. She bought a condo nearby, and for several years all was good. Then one day her neighbor called to say I should come and rescue her. She had set her kitchen on fire and was sitting in her living room with the firemen putting out the fire in the kitchen. I took her home where I lived and to her doctor the next day. When he asked her to count backward from 100 by sevens, she could not do it. His diagnosis was Altzheimers.
Ever since before going to sleep, I count backward by sevens and can now do it without error and fast. The side benefit is that I fall asleep immediately following that exercise so there is no time to spend thinking. I recommend the process to many that have difficulty going to sleep and believe it is the best way to eliminate troubling thoughts that can keep you awake. Good luck.
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OkieGranny Jan 2021
I will try it, because many times I have so many regrets and ruminate over my bad decisions in life, that I can't get to sleep.
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Oh, my yes. Actually over the years, there were several times when I felt I was unkind or ungrateful to my parents. The one time that haunts me, though, was after my dad had a spill from his wheelchair, broke his shoulder, and was going into a nursing home. He said something about being sorry that he was such a bother in his old age, and I replied that some day my kids would be picking out my nursing home. He got such a surprised, shocked look on his face that at that moment I thought to myself that he didn't think it was a permanent move. He looked as if he had lost his last hope.

In less than a week of being in the nursing facility, he stopped eating and communicating. He looked so sad. He died in a few days time. I still wonder if what I said was what made him give up all hope and just die. Why did I say that? I said it so flippantly. That will always haunt me.
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NobodyGetsIt Jan 2021
Ohhh, "OkieGranny" this was so heartbreaking to read and brought tears to my eyes.
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Gershun, thank you for posting this painful question. I am reading thru tears that we all have regrets. Mine are fading, it is 4 months now. I have been talking to a grief counselor and it has helped tremendously. I want to say that your Mother wanted to see you, but she would not have passed if she was upset with you. She would have waited for you to return. She was not disappointed in you. She loved you and now she is a peace. You are suffering and she would never want you to. I am now able to remember the wonderful moments and replace the bad ones. They still pop up, but I know I did all that I could. If you believe, our dying loved ones sometimes send us away. My Dad sent me away, he was not even expected to pass according to the doctor. Then my Mom passed away when I left the room. I did tell her to go with the beautiful angel because it was too painful for me to watch herbgo, but we don’t have to tell them, they know. The guilt is part of grieving, so we all have to forgive ourselves in time and know that we did the best that we were capable of. Journaling helped me so much, because I could write everything I felt (guilt, anger and just the deep pain in my heart). Nobody else can read it, unless you want to share. I am so sorry for everyone that wrote, the loss is so painful. I pray this helps a little. 🌹
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Bigdummy, all your stories help. I knew I wasn't alone in my feelings. I loved my mom so much. In fact I often felt I had a unhealthy attachment to her. But even though I knew it would make it hard for me when she died I never distanced myself cause I enjoyed her company so much. She was my BFF.

So I'm embarrassed to admit that it's been 5 and a half years since she died and I still find myself stuck.

I did hear something the other day that helped. Someone said that if you still get emotional about the loss of your loved one it shows you are still connected to them. If not feeling these things meant I had lost my connection to her then maybe I'll try to welcome these feelings.
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I sent a message earlier, but I have had a little time to think about your situation since, and can add a little more.

My own Mother lives in a large Nursing Home. On Christmas Day I observed a number of relatives turn up and stay with their resident for a short period of time only - give presents, wish them Merry Christmas - and leave within minutes.
(Probably rarely even bother the rest of the year.)

These were people doing their duty; ticking a box and going off for the day without another thought. Even at the time I wondered if some of them were almost discussing in the car with each other how little time they could get away with...

These will not be the type of caring people writing on Ageing Care and reading kindly and responses from other equally understanding others.
They won’t have a conscience or be processing their actions, or lack of them.

The fact that you are here and sharing your sorrows and seeking advice - and living with your perceived guilt - to me automatically makes you a decent person.
If I can pick that up from an email, that means your Mother would have known it in real life too.

We all have our off days. You left a bit earlier than you might have. But folk in the outside world underestimate the toll having an elderly/infirm family member takes on people. The stress, concerns for the future, constant niggles at the back of the mind etc. - it adds up.

Many a person (like the type I’ve described above) maybe wouldn’t have even bothered popping in on their relative at all that day, if they felt drained like you did. They’d have said - “oh just take me home” - and they wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

But you did, you went - and I’m sure you were lovely at time. I bet you’re so busy mulling over the length of visit, you forget nice things that happened during it - and previously on other visits, as well as during a good lifetime relationship.

Everyone here describing their regrets (me included - I’m the queen of it) is only suffering from overthinking. I know from a personal point of view how destructive overthinking is - and it leads to anxiety.

But I hope that such processing that we’ve all done makes us lovely beautiful human beings, who have been full of love toward the people we are now beating ourselves up over the slightest thing we may have said or done differently.

Much love to you all.
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Gershun Jan 2021
zoecan, thank-you! You are right and even though I know this instinctively there is that nasty little voice that runs me ragged. I am the Queen of feeling guilty. Which is funny since I always tell people on this site "don't feel guilty" A true case of do as I say, not as I do.

But thx for what you said. It helped.
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When my mom was removed from life support 36 years ago I was not there. Several people convinced me it would be a horrific experience and I listened to them. I have regretted it ever since and swore I would not do that if something happened to my dad. Well, I convinced him to move into assisted living several months ago and he started to decline. He went into the hospital a month ago for a raging UTI and then into rehab. I think he if finally giving up and wants to let go. Now I have no choice and CAN'T be with him. The guilt over convincing him to move is killing me because I think once he was out of his home of 51 years that he just lost interest in everything. So, I certainly understand the feelings. My daughter keeps reminding me that I was doing the best I could for him.. You have done your best--be at peace.
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Gershun I don't think there is anything wrong or abnormal about still having feelings about losing your mum. If these feelings were getting in the way of you living your life that would be another thing. If you were still crushed by guilt, that would not be good. I dreamt my dad was still alive for years and years after he died. I guess I just couldn't quite let go. I still miss my son and he died nearly 20 years ago and it's OK that I have those feelings, My 2 cents.
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Thx Golden. You are right. I used to have that with my brother after he died. I'd always dream that he was alive. Never with my mom though.

In fact quite often my mom is in the background of my dreams. Almost like a walk on role in a movie. I'm always aware of her being there but she never has a starring role in my dreams.

It's kind of how she is in my waking life too. I still have these nagging feelings like I need to call her and when she was alive I would call her and then feel better but now there is nothing I can do to get that feeling better feeling. Does this make any sense?
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golden23 Jan 2021
Totally makes sense to me. It's part of the missing. For me the missing of my son and my father has never gone away. For my mother, due to her mental illness, I had little grief. I think I grieved all my life that I didn't have a "normal" relationship with my mother and there is no missing feelings for her when she passed. Your mother gave you comfort and that is wonderful.

I think the feeling you need to call her is similar to the dreams that someone is still alive - it is a form of denial. Grief is a complicated process and the closer you were to someone maybe the more complicated it is. ((((((hugs))))

zoecam - I was one of those who visited my mother seldom and didn't stay for long - not for the reasons you mention, but because of a need for self protection due to a lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse. There are a number of us here and we do/did an extraordinary job, if different in some aspects, of caring for our abusive parent despite the pain.
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I read recently that a loved one can become a spiritual companion after passing.

My sister passed and I admit I don't feel her loss as tragically as some might believe. She was never hands-on with my mother but we both had the same understanding of our mother. I don't expect anyone else to understand. She is my spiritual companion as I anticipate family loss. This helps me move forward.

A doctor once told me to not second guess my decision. This too helped personally.
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My mother died a month ago, alone in the hospital with Covid. I was able to visit with her briefly a few days before she died. Now my last memory of her will be listening to her gasping for breath, unconscious, unaware. I am not a religious person but I like to think about her reunited with Dad, my brother, and other loved ones.
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NobodyGetsIt Jan 2021
"Frances73,"

I still think about you and what happened with your mother every time I see you post on a thread.

You're still in my prayers!

May God's peace work in your heart -
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Gershun, I have many such issues and am trying to forgive myself too. None of us are perfect. It sounds to me, in the many years I was on this forum, that you cared deeply about your mom and did what you thought was right at the time. How could you have known what was to happen? The past is over and done and we can not change that, but know you did the best you could and try to replace those bad memories with good memories, they are the ones that matter!
I believe your mom would want you to release these bad memories of the past and forgive yourself for anything you did wrong...you did the best you could and were a good caregiver to your mom. Cherish the good memories and love yourself, your mom loved you afterall and she would now want the best for you.
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