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So, for the second time in 6 years my mother has decided she does not want me in her life. However, this time I'm okay with it. I'm much happier not dealing with her each week. I did not come to the lightly, it's taken 8 years of therapy to get to this point. I was devastated the first time she made that choice. I will never be the person she wants me to be, I can't. I've seen her for years cut people out of her life and then draw them back in again. I'm not doing that. I knew at some point it would be my turn. This all came to a head during the pandemic and election cycle. She does not understand how I don't want to discuss guns, elections, or religion with her. She can't accept that we simple don't agree. I would rather not fight, she thrives in drama. She told me not to contact her again. I will respect her wishes. Yesterday (Mother's day) was a bit rough but I'll get by. But my real questions is I do worry about her aging and living circumstances. I see my husband's mother getting older and having a harder time getting around, every time I see that I think about mom. How can I manage no relationship and making sure she is safe? I'm the only living kid and she has no mate.

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remember, she is the only mother you will ever have and whatever you do, you do not want to wake up one day and say "if only..." I would send her cards/letters, even phone calls - let her be the one who ignores your efforts. When [if] you see her, just tell her you love her and are there for her. You want to be the adult in the relationship. The likelihood is she will come around, but will continue to test you. Do you have children? does your mother also turn them away if they visit, call, etc. In the interim, you might want to talk with estate attorney to make sure will, POA, etc. are in place [for your husband's mother as well] You can only do what can do, but I think if you do what you believe is right, you will be the happier one in the long run. If she wants to talk about something that is argumentative, try changing the subject - perhaps to grandchildren, family, friends or even the weather. If she remains hostile, just leave until the next time. I do not say this approach is necessarily easy, but will be worth it.
Good luck to you!
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You apparently have the misfortune of having a political crazy for a mother who places ideology over kinship. Give her time. When she gets scared of being isolated from you, she will come around. Then you’ll just have to both promise never to discuss anything political again.
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mathisawesome May 2021
I have for years tried to not talk about politics/religion with her. I can't stand it. Nobody can have a valid point except her. She will never agree to that and if she odes for a bit...she will just say "oh I can't talk to you about that" in a very crappy tone. It's like I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts. She is from the school of "if you don't think/believe like me then your going to hell."
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Your relationship with your mother sounds a lot like mine. I broke ties with my mom after I found out that she was lying about everything all my life. My life was nothing but resentment by my mother she could be nice one moment then became very angry the next. This could be bipolar tendencies. A mental condition. Also my mom is a very controlling. These people are hard to deal with because it’s there way or the highway. I bought the book codependent no more years ago , it taught me to say no to people and stand my ground. Controlling people are narcissists. I read a lot about them because my mom and ex husband were both narcissists. There are a lot of books on mothers being narcissistic to their daughters it’s a jealousy thing they get against their daughter because the daughter is younger and smarter etc in their eyes you become competition to them. It gets worse the older they get.
I am POA of my mom. I had to sell her house. She was in a filthy house ran down childhood home with 2 guys they were financially exploiting her. She was now on Meth at 84 now 85 and probably started that stuff years ago by the looks of where I found needles around her room. They got her on Meth so they could control her and steal her money. She gave all her money and embezzled my grandparents money from their trust. It’s almost like she damaged her homes and gave her money away because she knew I’d end up with them when she died. I spent over 250 thousand dollars fixing her house and my grandparents house to sell. I’m living in my grandparents so I fixed that house because I live there now. Her boyfriends financially exploited her and destroyed both houses. Now she told her attorneys not to pay me back for my money put into the homes and paying her rent of 4000 dollars a month because she didn’t have a dime left out of millions of dollars she had of my grandparents and her money. and she wants to take me off as her POA and soul trustee of her parents house and property. Against my grandparents wishes she embezzled all their money too. It’s been three years four court proceedings and my life savings has still not been returned to me. It’s caused so much hardship upon me.

anyway for your question;
I do not speak to my mom because every time I do her attorneys come after me because she lies to them about me, I can’t take her anywhere or even go see her in the Adult family home because she calls the cops and tells them things like I put a gun to her head or beat her up. Thank goodness the adult family home sticks up for me and tells them we were never alone together or I’d be in jail. Now since I fixed my grandparents home after she and boyfriends dilapidated it almost to the ground. And she lost her home due to negligence. She’s trying to take my grandparents house back so she can move in. She wouldn’t have it if it were not for me fixing it. Now that she lost her home. I’m 60 and never thought I’d have to worry about living on the streets.

I speak only to the resident owners of the AFH. Only!!! To check on mom they contact me if she needs anything or they need anything.
I am telling you break all ties with your mother. You won’t be a free living spirit if you hold on to her. She’s out to take you down. You don’t need this kind of person in your life mother or not. She’s poison to you. You are better than that. And she knows your better than her. You grew into the person she wishes she grew into that’s why she treats you like that and it’s only going to get worse if you keep letting her back in your life. Go through other resources., or another person if you want to find out she’s safe. She obviously doesn’t care if your safe so don’t worry about her. Easier said than done but this is the way she chose to have things. Let her soak herself in it. She will die a lonely person if she treats people like she does.
She will find anyway to hurt you. Break the cycle. Respect yourself and take care of yourself. Do not let her make you feel guilty.
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bigsun May 2021
Amen
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Imho, you are a kind person. You cannot change your mother into something that she isn't.
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Unfortunately, you can't monitor her life without some kind of relationship. Try to establish contact with her neighbors and ask them to call you if they notice problems. Explain that your mother has "cut you out" of her life. If that doesn't work, somebody will contact Adult Protective Services or Police if she has problems.
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Please don't give up on your mother! I see lot's of comments telling you not to even try! Try sending her a card on special days just to let her know you are still there and care about her. It reminds me of the scene from Home Alone where the old man told the child that his son no longer wanted him around and was afraid to call him. It had been years since they spoke. He told him to try again. This time it worked and they both were sorry for the things they had said.
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DeniseMiller May 2021
I don’t mean to be brass but you obviously didn’t grow up with a mother that resents having you. The painful way a mother treats you. At every turn they try and make you as miserable as they can. A narcissistic mother. There are dysfunctional relationships with mothers and daughters by the thousands out there. And the only way to have a happy life is not to have a relationship with our mothers if that’s the case. Every time you try and let them know you care they try and coax you back then turn on you and destroy you all over again and again. If you don’t know about mommy spiders that eat their young then don’t suggest she still stay in contact. That’s not helping her. Her mother obviously doesn’t care if she’s okay. I dislike it when someone say’s oh your poor mom you should love them because they are your mother. That’s Bull. Mothers like this are narcissists. If you don’t know how a narcissistic mother is read up on it. It’s years and years of abuse. Would you suggest to a rape victim to send the rapists cards and let them know you care. No. Mothers like this try and rape you of everything you have and are. they drain you if they see you happy. They act like they care then eat you up every time. Just because some lady births you doesn’t mean they care and love you the same. They resent you for who you are. The mother chose to not have a relationship. Not the daughter. So why should the daughter keep trying. Her mother chose to have it this way obviously for a reason we know nothing about. But I can tell you I have a mother that eventually destroyed me and my relationships with my children and my two husbands Etc, Daughters won’t be free spirits until their mother dies. It’s like a hex someone has put upon you . And until they die you can’t get out from the bad things that are happening to you because of your mother. It’s not a fantasy world out their like a little girl that dreams of a perfect husband that sweeps her of her feet and lives in a little house with a picket fence with no problems to worry about. They married a alcoholic that beats them over and over. Life is not what they dreamed. It’s the same thing with narcissistic mothers believe me. I see most girls having issues with their mothers the more they try. Your only feeding the lion that ate you up years ago. That mother tries to kill you at every chance they get. So to keep trying to hold on just because she’s her mother will only hurt her worse over and over. You can’t move on with your life because you have this hoax constantly hurting you if you try and be the good one. Send mom cards only hurts you life and the life your trying to live because the mother wanted her life to be like her daughters and it’s to late to mend the damage done so they keep trying to sabotage you because they can they are your mother. When that mother opens that heart filled card or stares at those flowers sent. She doesn’t think oh I raised a beautiful sweet daughter and I’m thankful and should talk to her. No she’s thinking oh boy I get to play my evil game again. Mother will sit back for hours thinking she has you all over again to hurt and play this sick game with. Breaking all ties with these kind of relationships is the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you, Find another person to pour your love into that appreciates having your love. Don’t waste your time on a person that doesn’t care if your alive or not they don’t have a heart they only have evil thoughts towards you and they will use them every chance you get mother or not. I don’t get people that don’t understand their are terrible dysfunctional families out there. People that don’t understand this dysfunctional family situations should not be given advice. Because they only make you out to be the bad guy. This happens to me. I can do all the good for my dysfunctional family or mother but I’ll always be the bad guy to people that don’t understand our lives. I can see if this mother loved back b
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Change the question to “How do I care for someone who doesn’t want my help?” The answer is you can’t. You can try, but it will take a huge toll on you. It can even be deadly for you.

I suspect that she will call you one day when there is an emergency. At that point you can choose to step in or not. If you choose to step in, do so in the role of case manager not daughter. You can use your energy, if you are willing, to shepherd the assistance of others such as doctors, social workers, care facilities ect... but you keep your distance from your mother.
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Riley2166 May 2021
WHAT A WONDERFUL ANSWER - bravo.

My feeling is this - she may be you mother and you had hoped for a close loving relationship which you obviously never had. She was not a real mother to you no matter what. Why are you so concerned? I don't feel she deserves what you are trying to do. In life we often find ourselves in these situations - do we stay and suffer and feel guilty? Or are we worth more - and we cut the ties and move on and live a normal life without this stress. This is where I see you. Why do you want to help? She does not want your help - why does not matter. She sees you as trying to make her do something she does not want to do. If she finally does reach out be prepared to give her all kinds of information on where she can get help from professionals who are there for that. Or, if you want, you might want to step in but beware of how she truly is before you take that on. And if your husband's mother is a nicer person, do help her. My motto is to help only those who treat you with respect and love.
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Does she have any friends that pop in from time to time? Explain your situation with mom and ask them to let you know if they observe anything that needs attention. If it is critical, you can call Adult Protective services to go there and do an evaluation.

Eventually, given the history, she will call you again when she needs help. To avoid the conflict of what will come after that - her cutting you out again - be prepared with some options. If there's money, assisted living - there's a nice place close to your house. I can arrange for you to visit there and see what you think. If there's no money, NH will be the option. Offer to arrange visit with an attorney to get her affairs in order - POA, Medical POA, a will, etc. Tell her you will step out of the room so that atty can talk freely with her because you want to avoid conflict with her about her decisions. If she names others for these duties, so be it. Make sure atty has correct phone numbers and addresses for those she selects.

If you have concern for her welfare now, you will feel badly later on if you do nothing to help her locate care when she needs it. So best to come up with some options and have the list ready
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DeniseMiller May 2021
She will feel badly if she didn’t have anything in place. Really,, her mother chose this kind of relationship with her daughter. She dug the hole and wants nothing to do with her daughter. It’s not the daughters fault. And no you don’t call APS chances are they don’t do anything. Your supposed to call 911 and have an officer do a well check they will contact APS if they feel this mother is in any danger. The fine line with that is her mother in the courts and APS’s and rules are they can live the way they choose to. They can be financially exploited if they want or even do drugs BECAUSE.. they are not court deemed incapacitated. That’s right they still have their rights. Believe this from a daughter that lived this and called over and over. And kept getting the same answer they can live and do the things they chose they still have their rights as a human being to live the way they want to . I did this about over a dozen times. Until one day my mothers house was so filthy rat infested. Doing drugs anc living with to guys that took everything of value from our family and left my mother broke and homeless. The police finally went up pulled her out condemned her house and put her in a shelter for two weeks. Then I took her in just to have her pick up some meth at the condemned house when I took her to get clothes. Then three days later she smokes the drugs says horrible horrible things to me them demands a way out by a taxi and leaves in her diapers at 6:00 am and ends up back with her meth addict financial exploiters because they own her brain. Found at motel six. Then goes out and gets a protective order on her daughter and husband to be thrown out on the streets so she can move into her parents house that was destroyed to the bone everything pawned off of value out of her parents home that her daughter just spent her own money in the tune of over 200 thousand dollars to fix so she could move in and save it. Then spend a year and more thousands of dollars fixing her mothers house to sell and paying rent of 4000 dollars so her mother has an adult family home to take care of her in that her mother totally fights against. And is still fighting to take the very home her parents left that she destroyed and would have been taken by the city. And still wants to live here. Her attorneys fighting to put her back in the same harmful life that her daughter just spent years trying to save her mother from. Her attorneys denied paying the daughters life savings back so now the daughter is totally broke and that was 3 years ago she asked for it back. Her husband ended up getting cancer and needed 6 thousand dollars before they would do surgery and was denied by her co trustee attorney. They very attorney that caused the daughters life to go broke and became a night she cant wake up from. Because the mother lies and lies about who and how her sweet daughter is and that she’s the drug addict that took her homes and her money and that’s all she wanted from her mother. After the daughter just spent every dime and and her time trying to keep her mother safe. Her daughter is being thrown out on the streets without any option because they stole her life savings and now has to sell everything she owns because she can’t take it all with her to live in her car. Because the attorneys believe her mother over the daughter and the attorney tried to buy the property and house of the grandparents years ago and also warned him her mother was in danger and he didn’t believe the daughter. He wants to drain every dime from two trusts so he can get his grubby hands on the property and house. A letter was found to the grandparents threatening them to sell it to him. Thousands of attorneys fees because the insane mother keeps calling to see if the daughter is taken off the trusts and evicted yet. The daughter ended up borrowing money two times from the trust. The other grandparents trust was embezzled from the mother. But the daughter ended up paying every dime back
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The simple answer is:
"You do the best you can that is comfortable for you."
Although perhaps this is what you are asking us -
It would help us to know (1) how old your mom is and (2) what her cognitive functioning / brain changes (dementia) is - to know what we are dealing with in terms of how to interact / support her, and YOU.
What I would do:
1. Depending on her financial situation - and yours:
- insure as best you can that she has caregivers.
- if she doesn't want, then you need to let go (and let God - ?)
2. Insure and/or get her legal documents in order, i.e., are you her POA ? do you want to be?
- Who will handle these things when she cannot ?
- If not you, can you encourage or assist her to set up a guardianship with someone else or an organization that does this?
3. Take care of yourself - as you have been. This must be very challenging for you emotionally and psychological (and other ways) although you've worked on yourself A LOT to handle it.
- Learn that you can only do so much. You have. And you still are (reaching out to us, still caring / worrying about her in the future).
- I suggest that it might be her brain chemistry (changes) that are saying to you 'stay away' vs her personally as your mother. Whatever the situation, perhaps send her a card every month or so saying you are thinking about her and/or flowers - to stay connected in a VERY distant way so you are emotionally protected from her response(s).
* If you feel it necessary block her from calls or screen so you don't have to listen to her screaming or whatever she might do on the phone.
*** Ultimately, you need to take care of yourself the best way you know how and that 'how' may change depending on the day and how you feel. Flow with it until you find a sense of equanimity in yourself that feels more constant or consistent. Your mother will do what she wants - or can. . . . as most mothers (wounded, as mine was) do. We are all doing what we can with what we got.
Warmly, Gena aka Touch Matters
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It's obvious that on some level you care, but have been pushed away. Whether that care is because she is your mother or just because she is a living being that might need help at some point, who knows. My mother was not as bad as some related in various threads on this forum, but was no saint either. She also could push me away by her pig-headedness and sometimes cruel comments. It took me time to realize she doesn't define me. I am who I am.

I did step in when help was needed, due to dementia, but chose to do it my way - initially trying to get her used to having help in her place (she thwarted that) and later having to find a place for her.

There were some good times over the years, so not so good, some really awful, but that's in the past and I can't change that. I can only learn to deal with it and get it out of my system.

Worry will only eat away at you. It is very common for us to worry about things, but rather than focus on what *might* happen, change that focus onto what you can do to take care of the situation, should it happen. In your case, it may just be waiting for the inevitable medical crisis that occurs. Meanwhile, you can inform yourself on what services are available, find ways to keep an eye on her, and let what happens happen. We can't prevent anything, especially not when we are pushed away. Know what you will and will not be able or willing to do. Most likely taking her in or moving in with her should NOT be on your to-do list, should something happen.

Make up a list of services, APS, facilities, aide agencies, etc and then put that aside. You may never get the call to step in. If you do, you'll have a list of resources to fall back on. Put the worry aside. She has made her choice, for now, so just go on with your life. If something does happen, beware falling into the would've/could've/should've trap. Just as we can't prevent all accidents or injuries when raising kids, we can't prevent these from befalling our parents. We can only deal with the results. In your case, this will most likely mean leaving the decisions in someone else's hands. If she ends up in care, you can make the attempt to visit or maintain some contact, but that's up to you. There is no shame in not maintaining that, esp if they continue to push you away.

As noted, my mother wasn't nearly as bad as some. While there were many reasons why I wouldn't provide the care myself (physical, logistical and emotional), I did take on the role of overseeing it all. I have 2 brothers, but relying on them for any of this was a joke. Between their lack of understanding, help and eventually even being there for mom, I am DONE with them too. Still some paperwork to do, but once that's over, I, like you and many others, will become an "only" child! We can pick our seats, we can pick our nose, but we can't pick our relatives. We CAN choose to keep them at arm's length!
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Almost an easy answer. You've invested a lot to get to where you are bless you....and in spite of the pain she has inflicted, you still care....double blessings to you. Guessing she may be living independently. From my distanced perspective here are my thoughts. One possibility is that there will be a crisis, a fall something. Someone near will notice her missing or not communicating. Police do welfare checks...go to a residence and check on the person if someone conveys concern. So she might wind up in the hospital or in some sort of facility. No doubt she may mention you as a contact and you'll know. Sounds like you are next of kin. Next, every area of our country as far as I know is covered by a local area agency on aging. If you connect and explain they may reach out or even call her city and ask about resources for seniors. You can call whatever agency that is and explain and they can reach out letting her know what is available. Sounds like she'd not going to accept what she doesn't want....at least not until she is uncomfortable enough to want it.....but there are plenty of home provided services. And god knows you are not the only one to be in this unpleasant position of caring and being pushed away. Sounds like she can't be reasoned with which is so energy draining for all of us. For ease in the future I'd also be wondering about legal issues, wills, POA's....all will be a challenge without her willingness to cooperate. But it might give you peace of mind to know where you stand and what suggestions a certified elder law attorney might have. Good luck:-)
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mathisawesome May 2021
Thank you!
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I don't have an answer for this as I'm dealing with the same problem but I wanted to say that your mom's behavior sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Please google this and see if the symptoms match up with her behaviors. It'll give you some insight on how to deal with your mom and protect yourself from her attacks.
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mathisawesome May 2021
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this also...thank you
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My answer is....you don’t. I had a somewhat similar relationship in that mom held on to anger and there were long periods of time when we didn’t speak to one another. (ie”I will never ever forgive you for this.....and I have a VERY long memory. “ And she held true to that. Regardless of time or that the “horrible” thing I may have done was not, in retrospect , all that horrible. Like not writing home from sleep away camp or at the age of 6 going into my newly decorated - expensive wall papered room - and deciding that it was important at that moment to take that black India ink bottle my sister had in her room to mine and try to open it to see that interesting dropper attached to the lid which then splattered a bit on on the wall by a accident. Or - later in life - not coming down to help her prepare for a holiday dinner or thinking to offer help even though there was not one time in my then 35 years of life that she ever invited or asked me to do that ever and never asked then. But I should have known! Or the time she stopped speaking to me because I chose to print my wedding invitations left justified instead of centered and she didn’t know how she could face her friends. Stuff like that - so many blow ups and heated exchanges to recount. Some I deserved - others I certainly did not. All nonsense in retrospect. When my father passed and my mother was left alone, bereft of the one thing that kept her going - her husband, life, reason to live even though often she was angry with him when he was alive - it became clear that decisions, if any were made, for her future were poorly planned both from a practical financial stance & from a basic mental health standpoint. She needed someone to swoop in and help her. My sister would not do that. When my sister asked me why I was, my reply came from a place deep inside that even I couldn’t quite understand. I brought her in to live with my husband and me (even with her telling me daily/hourly how much she couldn’t stand me and how the apartment embarrassed her). I brought her in because no matter your relationship, this is your mother and for all the aggravating, upsetting stories I may relate, there were many that were not which are too easily overlooked. Caring for me during illnesses as a child, worrying about me, being there when someone else hurt me, so many things. She is your mother and believe me, that single connection no matter how you try to ignore it is powerful. Caring for her is not easy. This isn’t the Donna Reed show or the Walton’s. In my case, a stroke, constant urinary tract infections, GI bleeds and finally vascular dementia made her care even more challenging. But this is your mother and you will have to trust me on this one, when she is no longer living, a day will not go by when you will not be thinking of her and wishing she were here and you could have more time together. I miss my mother with all my heart and in the end I know she did love me. I am thank G-d I was there for her when she needed me. I thank G-d I had opportunities to tell her I am sorry for unkind things that I did do and joyful for the times we shared that were happy and most of all that I was able to tell her I loved her finally. I told her that a lot. It surprised her each time but it was true. Take your relationship for what it is. Know your mom is not the sum of your arguments- look at the whole life. Not a perfect person - sure. But she is your mother. I leave you with the words of my 102 yr old grandfather who said to me, “my only regret in life is all the precious time we lost with family and friends simply because of stupid arguments about things we thought were so important at the time.” I remembered him telling me that. Perhaps that is how I knew what to do when the time came to help my mother. Listen to my grandfather. He was right. Listen to me. Hold on to what you learned in therapy but don’t lose your humanity/compassion in exchange. Forgive her and forgive yourself. Help her.
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Hire people PT, and sign up for "Pea-pod" or whatever grocery store delivery you have.

I hired 24/7 live-in staff, because she required it. (oxygen, wheelchair, dementia)
I popped in from time to time to check on things, but it relieved me from being around my childhood abuser.
She had long-term care insurance, and eventually had to go into actual assisted living, when she required 2 people and insurance would not pay for 2.
Be careful who you choose for "live-in."
Companions and Homemakers were thieves. I did not pay the last $7,589.00 bill.
I attached the police report and I never heard from them again.
(Its NOT "libel" if you write the truth) #TrueTalk
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disgustedtoo May 2021
Although various forms of elder abuse can happen anywhere, whether in a facility, hired help or even with family, those who argue for keeping someone in their home and hire help to do that need to understand what you've written here. It happens. It isn't even just the bad help that is an issue. Sometimes the person you are trying to help becomes the problem.

I tried hiring help to allow my mother to remain in her own place longer, once dementia came into play. She didn't need a lot of help or oversight at the time, but I wanted her to get used to having help. It was only 1 hr/day with intent to increase time and duties as needed. Since I didn't live close enough to check on her daily and several times couldn't contact her by phone (she either didn't hear it or in one instance managed to turn the ring off the phone!), I needed some "eyes" on the situation. It was, at that time, mainly to get her used to it and to have some peace of mind that she was okay and that she took her meds (BP put in a timed/locked dispenser.) This didn't last 2 months. She refused to let them in. In her case, dementia lied to her, so she would always say she was fine, independent and could cook. Although her plans before this included moving to AL when she felt the time was right, that went out the window with dementia. Meals on Wheels? Paugh! She'd never eat that crap! AL? You'd think it was a prison hovel in the ground!

I have no proof, but find it odd that her engagement ring is missing. At some point I found her wearing some odd ring, no idea where it came from. Did one of the aides swap with her? Who knows. All I know is the diamond is missing.

That said, there is no one-size-fits-all. There are wonderful home aides. There are those who couldn't care for a toy pet. These people exist in home care and facility care. At least in a facility those who are not up to snuff might be recognized by admin and removed. We did have cameras to keep track of who came/went, but they were not in such a place that all activity was monitored.
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depending on her age and IF she has dementia......provide her with information on "home care" to help with chores, washing clothes, feeding, etc. and let it go at that. if she doesn't want the help thats her choice. find another relative (cousin, one of her siblings) to check in on her, etc. i know my words sound harsh but I doubt if you are going to be able to "distance" yourself emotionally when you are at her place and she wants to "start" an arguement. other than you then walking out the door, it has already then impacted your emotional and mental status. Don't throw 8 years of therapy down the drain for someone that doesn't care. She must have grown up in the same situation and doesn't know how to change. i wish you luck in this.
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Does she have a neighbor you could use to check on her? Do you have any friends that would check on her from tome to time? Is there someone from your church or place of employment that could help?
Sometimes in life we have to set boundaries. Seems like you have decided to set healthy boundaries.
You might still be able to check on her through a friend or by keeping it " all businesslike" . Just let her know you love her, however, you are only checking on her welfare. By telling her you are not there to visit, you keep those boundaries. Or opt to find a friend or her neighbor to check up on her.
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You can't take care of someone if they don't want you in their life.  I feel like you need to be "all in" or "all out".  Keeping one foot in the door is not going to help your situation.  Of course she is aging and will eventually need some assistance...but is that your problem?  She asked you not to contact her again.  Honor her wishes and move on with your life.  If she ends up hospitalized and they ask her who her next of kin is...it will be on her whether she gives your name or not.
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marymary2 May 2021
I like how you put your good advice. Now, I've got to get my own one foot out of the door.... Hard to move on, but trying thanks to all the advice on this site.
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mathisawesome, be thankful you are not in her life - things happen for a reason. One of the resources I read mentions "when a toxic person cuts you out of their life, run!"

Over the past few years we wanted to make sure my drama-creating MIL was safe and cared for, in her early 70's, so we helped her into a senior living residence. She was doing good, but we didn't know part of her drama was telling lies about being mistreated - by her family (see Narcissistic Personality Disorder). We actually just gave her a larger audience who is trained to care for the elderly to get caught up in her drama. Not only did we have to deal with my MIL but also the management team at the residence who for some reason think they need to protect her from us. It escalated into a dangerous nightmare as we continued to spend thousands of hours trying to care for her and get everyone on the same page for her care, sacrificing our emotional well-being in the process.

You were given a gift of freedom by a toxic individual and perhaps saved you so much emotional trauma in the future... it is painful it is your mom, but we are all here to be joyful and live our own lives.

Most states have tons of help and assistance for the elderly, from transportation to meals, financial support, living situations, etc. that are available for her safety and care.

Another resource I have mentioned "toxic individuals don't get better as they age, they get more toxic." That was true in our case.

best wishes -
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You need to take care of yourself and keep yourself and your husband healthy, happy and safe. Live a good life. There is nothing you can do right now and worrying about it won’t change anything. It will only take a toll on you. By cutting you out of her life she is trying to hurt you - step away from that drama. I agree with many of the posters here: you should not borrow trouble and you don’t know what the future might bring.

A friend of mine once said, a long time ago, that even though my mother failed at many things and was an abusive mother, somehow I became her success story. I did cringe a little hearing that as it was a tad “woo woo” for me. But I think she was trying to say that despite my mother’s horrible parenting, I turned out to be stable and loving. I could be proud of that success and in some way also became my mother’s success - that was how to honor a parent while not being in that parents life. She knew I struggled with the whole “honor thy parents” thing. Like - how do you honor parents without a relationship? So, go be happy. Be a good person in the world.

I can and will never have a relationship with my mother. That is reality. I do oversee her care right now as she has advanced dementia and there is no one else. It’s painful. I have no feelings of “thank God I’m here and, oh, suddenly my mother appreciates me.” Fat chance. She is still awful and I have great anxiety at times. I don’t want this job. But because I have built a stable life, have my own solid and healthy family ties, good friends, and have enjoyed myself, I am strong enough, most days, to withstand this burden of care. I do no hands on care at all and never will. I have said this in other posts that I effectively act as my mother’s case manager. But there is no love there. And, I had to wait until she could no longer manage anything by herself. Her parting gift to me was to let me clean up her messes. I never want my children to go through what I am going through.

Don't task yourself in advance with this thankless job. Someone else said that your mother may pass quickly. It is painful most days, and really unsatisfying. My mother’s current accusations and her years of gaslighting me, the manipulation, the drama and and constant chaos that I experienced as a child still bother me. But I likely do the best job of managing her care and finances. That is my parting gift to her.
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marymary2 May 2021
So sorry you had to go through all that, as I'm sorry for all of us here who had to. Your friend's comment is so interesting. I never thought of being my mother's success either. My sister (her darling) is just like her - a narcissist, lifelong housewife who values money and status, and cruel. But my mother always warned me how horrible men were and how I had to have my own money, so, surprise, I worked and saved my whole life. Ironically, she never valued anything I did. In retrospect, though I'm not a "success" by societal standards, I achieved all that she told me to do - have a career and make my own money. Thanks for sharing a different and possibly helpful perspective to thinking I'm worthless - as she and her darlings treated me my whole life.
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I feel for you I am in the same situation but feel better for not seeing my mum mid week anymore and only do her shopping on a Saturday which has helped my sanity I just get the list get her shopping and go home is there Carers that you could keep in contact with? They will keep you updated in her I gave up arguing with my mum as I used to see her every day but she was stressing me out saying Carers were stealing her food etc for your own health and sanity just try and stay away for the time being and keep in contact with even her doctors or care that she has good luck x
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Lealonnie1 is so correct: Don't borrow trouble that isn't there. None of us know how our lives or anyone else's is going to end. Your mom sounds as if she is in decent health now, and natural aging will take its toll, but she could die suddenly with no need for any sort of care at the end of her life. Both my parents died suddenly. Of course your mom will be on your mind occasionally, but don't let it dominate your enjoyment of life. She made the choice. Accept it and go about your own business.
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You are a kind person. If the truth be told, your mom doesn’t hold a candle to you. I wish that she would wake up and see what she is missing out on, but we can’t make anyone see something that they don’t wish to see.

I have no idea what is best in this situation but I want to offer my support to you. Your compassion is inspiring.

You are so wise to know your limitations. I wish you peace and joy in your life.
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Mathisawesome, you are a better daughter than she deserves and I give you credit for being concerned for her welfare.

I agree with the others that your mom made her choice and yes, she will probably call on you when she gets in trouble. While you have been cut out of her life, think about what you might be willing to do for her and think about the boundaries she will have to abide by.

Is there anyone you know that can keep an eye on her for you without letting your mother know? Someone who could have wellness checks on her if she isn't seen for a while.

Work on keeping yourself to be mentally healthy with the fact your mother may refuse you even if she needs you. You have no control over her actions. Live a healthy, happy life.

I wish you well and wish blessings of peace and grace for your life.
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I’ve never been in your position and am truly sorry that you find yourself in this place. I have known people with such toxic relationships that all caregiving was done from a distance. Your mother will likely be calling on you when her needs increase. If you choose to be involved, do it from whatever a safe distance looks like for you. A care manager can be hired, for example. Or if she’s moved to a NH, you can visit without her ever seeing you and ensure her care is good. Don’t accept blame no matter what you choose. I wish you peace
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mathisawesome May 2021
Thanks, I never thought about a "visit" without actually seeing her. I doubt she will go to a NH willingly. But she may end up there. I just want her to be well taken care of, that what's the most important.
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I agree with everything that has been posted by the other forum sages. I had to deal with a manipulative, passive-aggressive step FIL who thought we (me and my entire family) were his and his wife's (my MIL) "retirement plan". He had Parkinsons, was broke, upside down on his 2nd ballooning mortgage and had tens of thousands of dollars in cc debt. Yet he thought we would "take care" of their daily calls and needs in spite of the fact that my husband and I were both working full time running a business, had younger kids in junior and sr high, and he wouldn't give us any ability to legally help him (like assigning PoA). Finally when he had me fill out the Medicaid app for him but then refused to sign it when he realized his money would go directly to a facility, I had had enough so I sat him down one last time and told him in polite but no uncertain terms that he either be cooperative (on Medicaid and multiple other issues) and assign someone PoA or we would back away and let the county get guardianship of him. He chose option B. I never went to visit him in his Medicaid facility and felt little sympathy for him. He didn't have cognitive issues when I was laying out the options and outcomes before him. I did it for his sake AND mine, so that I could go to sleep at night with a clear conscience that the choice was all his. You may want to consider doing the same with your mom and then backing away completely. If you are not her PoA then when she is no longer able to manage her ADLs then you contact APS and report her so that the county-assigned guardians will eventually take care of all her needs.
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mathisawesome May 2021
I don't understand how parents think all will stop when they are older. I don't expect that from anyone. I will go into AL and the NH. It's not going to be great but it is what it is....My mom thought I would retire at 50/55 and be her fulltime assistant. I would need heavy medication.
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On a different discussion thread here on AgingCare (about narcissistic parents), one of our posters was saying how she'd read a memoir which talked about how we need to give up hope for a better past. That's quite a profound statement, isn't it? I know it is for me; I've spent what feels like a lifetime wishing for a good relationship with my mother, which I've never had. Instead of wasting more time wishing for what never was and for what never could be, I'll focus on MYSELF for a change and on TODAY, you know?

Your mother is pretty young at 74, and full of her own opinions on life and how she should live it, which doesn't include you, for some odd reason. And while that's an unfortunate choice on HER part, you can't change HER mind about it. This past year or so has sewn SUCH division among people and even in families; I've had to 'unfriend' my own daughter on social media because she was constantly picking fights with me! I didn't 'unfriend' her in real life though, I just told her we will NOT discuss politics or hot topics while together. She's agreed and that's the end of that mess.

If and when the time comes that your mother needs you for something, THEN you will decide how much of your time and attention to give her. For today, you will go about your life without worrying about her or devoting your time or energy to someone who doesn't want it from you. There are others who DO. Focus your energy on THOSE people instead.

Live your life in the present and don't borrow trouble from tomorrow, that's my advice. It may be years before your mother needs help or runs into trouble, needs hospitalization or your help in some way. Enjoy your life fully in the meantime, that's your right 100%.

Good luck!
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You cannot both have a relationship and not have a relationship with someone. And the latter gets my vote. She has the number to 911. That's what I have as well, my children living across many states from me. She can access what services she wishes. She has made her decision. Look around at all the people who do not have children, or who have children many thousands of miles away from them. Your mother has the same resources. If you know of any friends you can tell them, if the worry, to ask for wellness checks. I hope you manage to stay away from what is a toxic relationship.
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mathisawesome May 2021
Thank you. And I don't have children, I know we will have to deal with these things on our own. We are ok with that. I wish it could have been different with her.
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This is her choice, not yours. She is manipulating you. Ignore her. Don't play into it. She will need you someday. And when that happens you set boundries because she needs you more than you need her. Do not move in with her or visa versa. This way you always have the option to leave. She needs more care than u can give or want to give, then she will need to be placed somewhere.

Your Mom has no idea how to nurture a relationship. If as a friend she pushed me out of her life, I would not be drawn back in. I had a longtime friend who had lots of heath problems leave me a nasty email. I tried her landline and her cellphone to find out what she was talking about. She refused to pick up. I called a friend who had been helping her and found out the luncheon that friend felt I should have told her about and maybe offered transportation wasn't even our class luncheon. This later was explained by the mutual friend. I felt that she owed me an apology and was not calling her until she called me. I had done a lot for this woman. Normally I would have gotten over but I had apologized a lot over the years for things I really didn't need apologize for just tokeep the status quo. She has passed and I did not get that apology. She ended up in a NH because she needed 24/7 care. Neither of her sons could do the care. It was COVID so I sent in books, flowers and purchased her Cancer caps. Got TU notes but never a call. My friend was a very negative person. Expected more out of people than they were willing or could give. Was passive-aggressive.
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mathisawesome May 2021
I just don't understand how peoples thinking get so far off base. I really think the expect to be apologized to for everything to be alright. I just can't do it anymore because it's never enough.
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You can not "make" anyone accept help.
Unfortunately what happens in cases like this is you play the waiting "game"
Something will happen and she will require help. In the form of hospitalization and if she is lucky rehab. At that point it will be determined if she can continue to live on her own.
Given the fact that she has decided to cut you out of her life you may or may not be informed when this occurs.
This is on her NOT you.
Your question...do you worry about her aging and having a harder time getting around...
Sure you can worry. BUT you do not have to do anything about it.
What you do need to do is keep yourself healthy mentally and emotionally.
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mathisawesome May 2021
Thank you. I just wish it was different. And you are right.
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Math, you cannot care more about a person's life and safety than they care about it themselves.

Some folks seem to lack the capacity to trust anyone, including their children, to have their best interests at heart.

There really is no good solution. Have peace in your heart that you tried.
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mathisawesome May 2021
Thank you. It's just a crappy situation. It did not have to be like this but I'm done having my life turned upside down over her moods. I'm 50 and feel I've wasted a lot of time worrying about her.
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