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Hi. Thanks for all the great advise given to me on this forum regarding the situation of my mom being in a physical therapy re hab. UPDATE:
After week 4, she is still in this rehab with a discharge date of this week.
I am having a hard time dealing with all of this. According to the facility, its a patients choice to make decisions on what they eat there. She tells me of the hot dogs, tacos, hamburgers, fries, sausages etc... that she orders for food. I look at her left ankle and its the size of a softball. I am having a hard time accepting the fact that she doesn't care. Is she being cruel to her children by not taking care of herself?
My brother told me that when my mom was first admitted to the hospital 5 weeks ago, they asked her if she had suicidal thoughts. She looked at my brother and started to cry saying shes a Christian and she cannot commit suicide because she will not go to Heaven to be with my Dad.
How am I supposed to accept the fact that she is slowly killing herself? Everyone else is accepting this fact but me. My psychologist told me to accept it as well. I feel angry. How do I come to terms with this? Thanks so much.

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What you have to do here is have respect for your mother's wishes, whether you agree with them or not. You say, "......All the good memories will now be forever tarnished on how she is just giving up." Why in the world would you say that all the good memories you've shared are now 'tarnished' because she's giving up? Do you know what it feels like to BE your mother? To wake up every day in her shoes? If not, you should never say what's 'right' or 'wrong' pertaining to HER life! Right? Think about that. Nobody knows what it feels like to be YOU, so they can't speak for your life situation. The same goes for you speaking for HER. If she chooses to 'give up', then that is her right.

Trying to control someone else's feelings never works. Why? Because everyone is entitled to feel how they feel without being told it's 'wrong' or 'selfish' or anything else negative. Your mother is probably tired. Exhausted, in fact, and in the hospital and rehab for a long time now. Her husband is already passed, and she's ready to be reunited with him. How she gets there is irrelevant. Allow her the opportunity to pass away on HER terms, whatever they are.

You will miss her, of course, and that's understandable. But to insist she change her way of thinking because of it is not right. Allow her the dignity to choose her own life and her own death. It has nothing to do with being 'cruel' to you, but being kind to herself. If she's a woman of God, she knows that death is not an end but a new beginning of a pain free existence of happiness and joy. THAT is what she wants more than continued life on earth which is just too hard now.

Wishing you the best of luck reaching acceptance of your mother's decision.
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Engineer,
Hang in there!!
Follow your instincts, you know her better than the medical staff.
Don't be afraid to make waves!
Your psychologist has a point!
When someone loses their will to live, there's not much you can do.
Now may be the time to have a heartfelt conversation with Mom.
You're amazing and Mom is blessed to have you!
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You need to be hollering UNSAFE DISCHARGE!!!!!!!

This is the term that will help get her help. You can tell her how a facility will be a good deal like rehab and since she is so happy having 24/7 care she needs to be placed. Now is the time while she is happy with facility care.

Get an independent needs assessment, the rehabilitation center will probably be able to do this. This will help you know what level of care she needs. That is important for finding the right facility.

MS is a brutal disease and I would think that losing her husband on top of a degenerative disease has to be scary. She obviously can not take care of herself and she is leaning heavily on 2 of her sons to prop her up, that cannot continue.

Please get rehab to start the placement process. She will live until she dies and being in a facility at least you will know that she has help at hand to deal with her dietary choices and the resulting consequences. As well as the MS and all that entails.

This will be difficult for you, but she needs more care than what she has been getting and you sons have your own lives that need to be lived. Being a son that can help enrich her life is far better than being a burned out, resentful caregiver. I am speaking from personal experience.

As far as wanting to die, that is normal for someone that is entirely dependent on their spouse. They don't know how to live without their other half. You may see improvement when she isn't living in the home she shared with your dad. So try not to be to hard on her.

So get the brother and head to the rehab and talk to the powers that be and both say "UNSAFE DISCHARGE!!" HELP US FIND HER THE PROPER HELP AND A NEEDS ASSESSMENT! Repeat until you get results. They have the resources to help direct you. I know, I placed my dad with help from his rehab.

Best of luck finding a new home that will help your mom and ensure you men can be her sons.
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This is so hard for all of you. You wrote that her discharge date is this week. What will happen to her then? Will she be able to eat that same kind of food where she is going?

Your anger may come from having to face that your mum is declining - it can be part of anticipatory grief. (((((hugs))))
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Have you had a heart to heart with her?
It may not make any difference to her, however, it might do you good if you tell her how much this hurts you!
God bless!
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There is something about a loved one dying that makes us feel uncomfortable partly because we have not come to terms with the fact that we ourselves will one day die. This may or may not be true of you and if it is a good things to discuss with your psychologist.

On the other hand you may be at the start of the grief process. The grief process is not a neat set of stairs. You can repeat parts and you can experience parts together.

Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.

Pain and guilt. ...

Anger and bargaining. ...

Depression. ...

The upward turn. ...

Reconstruction and working through. ...

Acceptance and hope.
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MS is another horrible desease. My cousin was diagnosed at 50 and passed at 70. The reason she lived as long as she did was her husband. He was a gem. Did everything for her.

I would just let Mom do what she wants. Enjoy her while you can.

I know when Mom was in longterm care they monitored her salt because of her B/P. But, if she had been in her right mind and wanted more salt they would have had to give it to her. Rehabs maybe a little more lenient since its a temporary thing. By State laws concerning care facilities, you cannot make a resident do anything they don't want to and that covers the food they eat.
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My grandmother did the same thing. she actually asked my Mom to shoot her! Of course Mom refused. It took her 10 years to eat herself into a grave. She once caught my Dad putting vitamins in the cake mix....after that she would only eat store bought candy.

this is her choice.

sometimes they don’t have the nerve to follow through. Ask a dietician to talk with her. Maybe she doesn’t realize how bad things can get long before the end....maybe this is attention seeking? Armed with all the information, it is at the end of the day her choice.
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I’m assuming you believe your Mom should be on a low salt diet? Have you spoken to the Nutritionist? Usually they’re the one who decide what’s on the residents meal ticket, based on individual needs for low salt, low sugar, etc and that’s how the meals come out. In my experience if the resident demanded something contraindicated the nutritionist would be having a very serious conversation with them. At least that would take the pressure off you to try to persuade her.
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Hi. The place she is in lets the patients make their own dietary choices. Really unbelievable. Oh well. What I do not respect is the fact that she is knowingly doing this to her own self and we, as her children, along with her grand children have to just sit back and watch the destruction. Just when you think you have life figured out, here comes the unhittable curve ball.
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Her life, her choices. Sometimes acceptance is a difficult pill to swallow. Keep in mind that you can only control you, no one else. She has lived her life on her own terms, so should you, focus on you and your family, let her be. Hopefully, she is in a facility and not going home with you, that would really be a disaster. Good vibes being sent your way!
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Hi. Yes, I have to accept it. All the good memories will now be forever tarnished on how she is just giving up.
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